To think my dh is a total twat

[VivaLeBeaver]

hes just got back from a jolly fucking holiday in Spain. Second holiday without us this year.

He went a few days after I was discharged from hospital after a week stay with a slipped disc. He actually booked it last minute while I was in hospital.
When he left I was still pretty much bed bound and sleeping a lot due to morphine.

While he's been one dd has been poorly with a terrible old and has been off school for three days. I've hadthis awful cold, possible flu. Terrible sore throat, raised temp, sweating buckets, not sleeping.

He's come back and is slamming around downstairs. I was in bed. After 30 mins I o down, he's ignoring me. I ask him what the problem is and he's moaning about the house being a mess.

It's not that fucking bad. Front room is cluttered as dd has been doing craft stuff which I couldnt face sorting, I haven't hoovered as I'm not allowed due to my back. Kitchen has been cleaned but dishwasher needed stacking. There are some bits on the stairs that need bringing up.

How fucking dare he be such a cunt. He's had a weeks holiday and left me home sick. I'd never have gone if he'd been as bad as I was when he left. Yes he didn't know I was going o get this bad cold, flu thing buti was really bad with my back. I've told him how upset I feel and he's still not talking to me.

I think you should tell him to leave. Awful behaviour. You're right that e-rostering won't help but there are ways round that - talk to your line manager about it.

There will be maintenance payments, surely?

I am also at your H treatment of you and your DD.

Before I met my DH I was a single parent, I took home the same as you per month and I still managed. I did have help with child tax credits and working tax credits, single person discount on council tax etc but it was enough to get by, we didnt go without anyway. Dont let money be a factor, you can get some good advice from CAB and honestly having a few more worries about money compared to living with someone who clearly has no respect for you would be the better option?

Do you have any family, friends or DD's school friends who could have her sleep over when you do late shifts? You could do the same for their DC when your not working?

but with rent you can get housing benefit, with a mortgage you can't.

Nothing is going to happen to tax credits until at least 2013. That's 2 years to sort something out. Are you saying that you have to stay in this situation because you are scared of not being able to manage in case the government perhaps does something to benefits in 2013?

This is your fear talking.

At the end of the day, if you choose this because continuing to live like this is less frightening than making that break, then that is really unfortunate for you, because you deserve to be happy and to be with someone who cherishes you. But it's also really unfortunate for your daughter, because when the time comes for her to find someone, what's she going to model her relationship on?

I feel so sorry for you both and I just hope that, in your own time and when you feel strong enough, you are able to say enough. I deserve more than this. And walk.

There are always ways round these things, honestly. As I said, babysitters exist and do evening hours.

If you don't feel ready to leave just yet then don't. This will be your life until you do something about it. Could you save a little every month? Put down for a council house? Get things in place if you did decide to leave. Your dh will have to buy you out of the house or sell it. If you do love your dh then how about counselling?

"viva*, maybe the best thing is to wait till dd is 14. If you have stuck it out for so long, well, four more years is not that long...you seem to have thought things through and know what you are getting out of this arrangement.

But still, can you assert yourself more? He seems to be a real dick, strutting around tut-tuting at things. Can you not be more firm with him. At the very least, tell him to sleep in another room permanently?

Lots of xx, this must be so hard for you!

I don't have any friends or family that could help.

Line manager has already told one of the single parents at work that there are no ways round the soon to be implemented e rostering. She was told if she couldn't do her given shifts shed have to leave.

Viva he is a twat and you deserve better. Asking your dad sounds like a good plan as at least that would solve housing costs issue leaving you with more disposable income.

My SIL is trainee paediatric nurse and recently single with 4 kids who are too young to leave, luckily her eldest is an adult and can be in the house to watch over the elder two when she has nights, but the baby goes to her dad and we have the second youngest to help her out. It is not easy.

I think you have a few options, but finance will be the stumbling block. This would resolve itself eventually as a good divorce lawyer would get you money from his income for his child in court/settlement.

You could get a nanny or au pair. You might find an childminder who does overnight stays, there are a few that do it see here for childminders in your local area. You may have friends/family who could help out sometimes too if you ask.

If registered childcarer then you can get financial help from government as a lone parent you are entitled to this working above 6 hours a week and you could use that money to help you pay for nanny etc... see here.

Viva There was a high court judgement many years ago about a single parent London tube driver on this - and she won the right not to be forced to do late shifts that she couldn't get paid childcare to cover, because of the preponderance of presumed discrimination against women [being the majority of single parents].

Sorry cross-posted I see you don't have friend or family who could help and it is above 16 hours work a week not 6.

I'd paraglide him down the fucking stairs and straight out of the door. But...having been in a failing marriage that I couldn't leave straightaway, I do understand your dilemma, Viva and you are right in thinking things might be easier when your DD is a little older.

However, you have to weigh up the damage that this relationship is doing to you and your dd and it might be that the financial and childcare issues are not insuperable. If you become worn down by the strain of living with your dh this could also affect your job so I think you need to think carefully about the consequences of waiting to leave.

What I would say is that once you have determined to get out of a failed marriage, that decision alone can give you a remarkable inner strength and is, in itself empowering. Even if the actual separation has to wait a while.

Very best wishes with what you decide to do though.

I think you should go onto the Entitled To website and see just how much you would get. You are assuming you would have to leave the house - not so.

Whatever you decide to do (and I know exactly what I'd do) you need to make a decision based on the facts.

Speak to your dad by all means, but you're putting yourself in a weak position. Why shouldn't you and your daughter live there rather than him?

Do you have space for a lodger, say a PhD student who had to do some babysitting as part of her rent?

Just went to brush my teeth and he's in his office with the comp on. Looked like the MN homepage. Wanker, how dare he come on here to see what I'm writing. He'd know I'd come on MN and it did cross my mind he might look or a post from me.

this is the 3rd so called man this weekend that has forced me to think of a certain police officer so that I refrian myself from violence because they are making me so cross I think of cricket bats/frrying pans or baseball bats.

he is erally a nasty piece of work and you would be better off without him being around. maybe not financially but by god you deserve a hell of a lot better than the treatment you are getting.

If you are thinking "I can't leave now", you should start actively planning for a time when you can by putting money away, checking out what you're entitled to etc. If you can start to imagine a real life without him, you're one step closer to achieving it. Please don't let the treatment you are used to getting become your DD's "normal".

perhaps it's for the best that he does. Maybe he needs to see his behaviour and treatment of you through the eyes of people who are not totally selfish, mean, uncaring, unloving wankstains.

(for your benefit, you pig.)

I'm sorry you feel you have to put up with this. Is there any way you could look for community work with more regular hours?

Any equity in the house you're currently in, OP?

Viva Do what you need to do.

Incidently, as long as you plan well you can get by being skint for a while and pay back slowly as and when you can.

Ring everyone you pay money to. Can you get a mortgage/loan break? Lower your gas/electric temporarily? Stick debts onto one credit card? Reduce phone/internet/TV package?

Be pro-active. As long as they're getting their dosh they don't mind if it takes a while. It just gives you a bit of breathing space.

Viva I cannot advise you on the practicalities of your situation, although there have been some good advice already. What I can tell you is that there are single parents out there who make it on far less than you would be doing if you left him. This man is a sorry excuse for a husband and a absurdly crap father. Do not allow your daughter to grow up thinking the way he treats you is normal. It is not.

There are many things you can start doing now to start paving the way for a brighter future for you and your daughter. Do not close your mind to the very good suggestions the people on this thread are giving and will continue to give you.

You husband is a horrible, horrible person. You deserve better than what this little boy is giving you.

YANBU. Your life sounds morbid with him/around him

Start your plan to leave now. If you are thinking about waiting until your dd is 14 or 15, well, that's a long time.
It seems like he has you around to housekeep for him and no doubt knows what position you would be in if you left him (so he thinks he has all the power) which finanically speaking is true, but I would start putting a plan together right now.
In the long run, you will be much better off.

As an aside, changing shifts that are unworkable for an employee and giving them the option that they work them or leave is constructive dismissal isnt it? I am sure one of the legal bods can confirm that, but I am sure that "managing out" an employee is illegal.

This is only the second time in 2 years on MN that I have said this but i will use the MN standard of

Leave the bastard. And take him to the cleaners on the way.

Your H, for example, is a cunt of the highest order.

1. He left you when you came out of hospital, in pain, to fuck off on a paragliding holiday because he fancied it? What a complete bastard. If he loved you he would have WANTED to be there to look after you.

2. He left you with all the childcare while you were convalescing? What a complete bastard. If he loved you he would have WANTED to make your recovery easier.

3. He won't pay for his OWN DD to go on holiday? What a complete bastard. If he loved HER he would do so without question.

4. He won't take a fair share of the household expenses? What a complete bastard. If he loved you and your DD, he would be HAPPY to do so, as part of an equal partnership.

5. He dares to fucking moan at YOU for the house being less than tidy when you have been recovering from an injury AND looking after his child for him while he FUCKS OFF ON HIS JOLLIES? What a complete, and utter abusive shitstain on the sole of humanity he is. If he loved you, he would have been contrite and apologetic for being such a nob-jockey and leaving you to cope alone when you were unwell.

OP - You really must not put up with this wankstain of a man any more. If you rent a property, you will get at least some of your rent covered by Housing Benefit, you will get a 25% single occupant reduction in your council tax, you will be eligible for Tax Credits and you will get 70% of your registered childcare paid. PLEASE do not subject yourself to this abuse from this wanker. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT. And your DD deserves to see her mother being strong. She is getting a shitty relationship model at the moment because her father is not treating you properly as an equal, and she will take that on to her adult relationships. The thing that got ME out of a relationship like this is the fact that I knew that if my DD thought this was the correct way for a man to treat me, then she would not think anything of it if SHE was treated like this in a relationship. . Kick him out, don't leave. If you decide to leave after advice from CAB etc, he can always move back in if he wants, it will be much harder for you to do so afterwards.

Also - whatever his income is, he will be made to pay 15% of it to you every month. It doesn't count for the purposes of Tax credits or Housing benefit. So it will be on top of your other income, it won't just be your £1200 wages. Maintenance calculator Don't forget to factor that into your financial calculations.

I'd put up a post in Legal / employment about the work situation btw - someone might have good advice for you. I'm sure that your employers can't change your shifts to ones that you can't get childcare for and tell you that you work them or leave, there must be some rules around that - constructive dismissal?

OP - You deserve to be treated much MUCH better than this abusive cunt is treating you and your DD. Get knowledge, from as many places as you can, and GET THE FUCK OUT.

^WSS^^^^^^

100% ^WSS^