To think my dh is a total twat

[VivaLeBeaver]

hes just got back from a jolly fucking holiday in Spain. Second holiday without us this year.

He went a few days after I was discharged from hospital after a week stay with a slipped disc. He actually booked it last minute while I was in hospital.
When he left I was still pretty much bed bound and sleeping a lot due to morphine.

While he's been one dd has been poorly with a terrible old and has been off school for three days. I've hadthis awful cold, possible flu. Terrible sore throat, raised temp, sweating buckets, not sleeping.

He's come back and is slamming around downstairs. I was in bed. After 30 mins I o down, he's ignoring me. I ask him what the problem is and he's moaning about the house being a mess.

It's not that fucking bad. Front room is cluttered as dd has been doing craft stuff which I couldnt face sorting, I haven't hoovered as I'm not allowed due to my back. Kitchen has been cleaned but dishwasher needed stacking. There are some bits on the stairs that need bringing up.

How fucking dare he be such a cunt. He's had a weeks holiday and left me home sick. I'd never have gone if he'd been as bad as I was when he left. Yes he didn't know I was going o get this bad cold, flu thing buti was really bad with my back. I've told him how upset I feel and he's still not talking to me.

YANBU, sounds like king of twats- are you making a plan to extricate yourself? sounds like crap situation :(

Viva I just want to add my voice to the many saying that you deserve so much more than this - a real life, a happy life.

Firstly, Viva I'm so sorry for you

Secondly, I am sure I am being terribly naive but if your husband earns a good wage (and you want him out for unreasonable behaviour and you do the lionshare of childcare) - why can't you stay in the house and he pay the mortgage and any childcare costs?

Thirdly, I would not wait until your dd is 14. 'Only four more years' could absolutely break you mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

And this coming from someone who is often urging women to stay in their marriages (if not abusive or desperately unhappy) for the sake of the children!

I am so shocked and angry that he he considers his wage 'his'. That alone speaks volumes about the kind of man he is.

OP, it's been a while since I did family law so I don't want to start giving advice, but those figures sound really positive. As someone said, you would probably get more than half of the equity in your house given the disparity in your incomes and the fact you have your DD to support, but it sounds as though staying in the current house with a small or no mortgage would be a doable and better option. Definitely get yourself down to a solicitor at least for an initial meeting to see where you stand.

Cost-wise, I think we used to do the actual divorce for a set fee somewhere between £200-£400 (can't remember how much, sorry ) then the financial settlement, which is the tricky bit, would be done on the basis of £x per hour. This means that you can keep fees down if you can agree things as much as possible between you. £10k does sound like an unusually large bill though.

Either an au pair/lodger or friendly local teenager sound like they could work for childcare, and as you say it's only for a few years.

Get yourself to a solicitor OP, I think you might be pleasantly surprised.

Hes been all nice and friendly now and having a laugh and when he's like this I think that I don't want to split up. But I seem to keep veering between the two as he's so bloody moody.

OMG he keeps his money seperate? he has been on holiday when you need him most. why are you with this man, id get that 9 to 5 job and take the cunt to the cleaners financialy, this is no relationship.

Viva - I'd just like to echo what bobblygussets said up thread.

You do a job that would absolutely terrify me and in doing that job are supporting all sorts of women who, in the main, are also pretty scared if not terrified, and going through a huge, emotional, painful, often traumatic, life-changing experience.

You do that every day you work which is just amazing. I really want you to stop thinking you are incapable of leaving this disgusting excuse of a partner - gather up your considerable resources, lean on anyone who can help you (including possibly your father- perhaps he might give you a small amount of your inheritance early?) and get yourself away from this reptile who obviously has had a huge part to play in the insecurity you currently feel.

viva, do you think he has been on MN and realized what a twat he is and that he might lose you

He's a selfish twat for taking holidays without his family first and foremost, not even taking account of doing it when you were indisposed! Yes, prize twat, in my estimation.

Of course he's being all nice and friendly now. The twats probably been reading this and is shitting himself at the thought of you leaving him and taking him to the cleaners.

Don't fall for it Viva - you and your dd are worth so much more then that simple ecuse for a man.

My exh did that to me, on another site, he read what was written and changed his tune. He is a narcacissist!

Does he know you're thinking about leaving and divorce? It might be the wake up call he needs to stop treating you like shite.

Bit of a side issue, but are you sure you are not paying too much tax or something? I don't know what band you are on, but £1200 pm for full time plus unsocial hours doesn't seem right to me. (I am a CNS working in general practice (P/T, no unsocial hours) and I don't think your take home pay is correct).

X-posts there - I do know of a woman who left her husband for a week, he was utterly devastated and has been completely different ever since because he realised he was going to lose her if he didn't change. It can happen.

However, he does sound like he's being an utter twat at the moment and I wouldn't put up with it either - he needs to change or face the consequences of his selfishness.

Would there be any possibility to be a private midwife? set up a practice of private midwives perhaps to cover/share overnight births?

Viva, you have to do something, this guy really is HEARTLESS.

If OP's husband is reading this thread, and you have some advice for OP, maybe it is prudent to private message sensitive information directly to her.

3littlefrogs - I'm not f/t at the minute, only 22.5 hrs a week.

I made the same excuses for years, Viva. Mostly because I have a disability that prevents me from working FT, so I KNEW I would be reliant on benefits. The reason I can GIVE this sort of advice is because I have BEEN THERE, I didn't want to have to rely on benefits - but it is a better life for me and my DC than the life I had while I was WITH my Ex-P, albeit a skinter one. And DD is seeing that it ISN'T right to let anyone treat you like that, and that she shouldn't put up with it.

You deserve better than someone who treats you and your DD with this little respect.

what they ^^ all said .
Re a teenager for childcare, also ask round at your local church, as quite often older teenagers help out at Sunday Schools/youth clubs so have experience. Also a Brownie/Guide leader might know of someone who is responsible etc. One of DDs friends earned good money (for a 17 yo) doing after school childcare for a teacher, but would have leapt at the chance to look after one 10 yo DD rather than the houseful of younger ones she had.

Your husband sounds like a total knob. I know money is always a worry, but you have qualifications, you have some money in the house, your daughter is at an age where she doesn't need you 24 hours a day - there is nothing worse than staying with someone you hate.

Hope you're ok x

How your DH treats you is how your DD will expect to be treated in relationships . The longer it goes on the bigger the impact on her.

A good friend of mine was staying in a terrible relationship for the sake of her DS. It was thinking about the above and how he might treat women in the future that finally made her leave. She is an NHS worker too, with a lot less equity, and has been fine.

yes, pm op loopy!

Viva. If someone was a bastard all the time, it would make the decision to leave so much easier. By being nice sometimes, they confuse you.

You have to decide if the times when he's nice and laughs are worth the way he treats you when he does things like book himself a holiday so he doesn't have to be there for you when you come out of hospital.