To think my dh is a total twat

[VivaLeBeaver]

hes just got back from a jolly fucking holiday in Spain. Second holiday without us this year.

He went a few days after I was discharged from hospital after a week stay with a slipped disc. He actually booked it last minute while I was in hospital.
When he left I was still pretty much bed bound and sleeping a lot due to morphine.

While he's been one dd has been poorly with a terrible old and has been off school for three days. I've hadthis awful cold, possible flu. Terrible sore throat, raised temp, sweating buckets, not sleeping.

He's come back and is slamming around downstairs. I was in bed. After 30 mins I o down, he's ignoring me. I ask him what the problem is and he's moaning about the house being a mess.

It's not that fucking bad. Front room is cluttered as dd has been doing craft stuff which I couldnt face sorting, I haven't hoovered as I'm not allowed due to my back. Kitchen has been cleaned but dishwasher needed stacking. There are some bits on the stairs that need bringing up.

How fucking dare he be such a cunt. He's had a weeks holiday and left me home sick. I'd never have gone if he'd been as bad as I was when he left. Yes he didn't know I was going o get this bad cold, flu thing buti was really bad with my back. I've told him how upset I feel and he's still not talking to me.

My neighbour was left on her own with 2 children under 10. Her husband went off with someone else with absolutely no warning.

She had a series of live-in au pairs - not easy, but she managed to hold on to her FT job, stayed in her home, and has met and married a really nice man, her kids are fine. She was on her own for about 5 years.

I have another friend whose husband was like yours. She put up with it for 20 years. This man refused to come home to be with her when she was having surgery for cancer. He kept her very short of money whilst earning a massive salary. He did exactly what your H did - came home while she was recovering from a double mastectomy, and complained that the house work wasn't done.

She divorced him - it was messy, he hid all his assets, but she got the house and maintenance. She has since remarried a lovely man who loves and appreciates her.

Life is too short. Don't waste any more time. Get legal advice asap.

That's disgusting!! I know my DP would cancel any plans he had if I was just coming out of hospital.

You can have my first Leave the bastard!

Childcare solutions.
Getting an Au pair, minus side would mean live in, but plus side can cover during day or evening, balancing the hours worked.

Childminder to cover usual childminding hours, with student/teenager to cover late shifts. I used to do this when I was at college, I registered with a nanny agency but also got work through word of mouth. Not just babysitting really, as I used to stay over night in a household of a single mum, with 2 boys when she had to do shifts.
You could try advertising in colleges, 6th forms or universities for suitable people. I was doing a Nursery Nurse course at the time, which obviously made me look more appealing, to those planning on leaving their children with me.

There is nearly always a solution to a problem, not always easy, but everyone deserves to live a life where they are valued as a person.

If you are in the N.E of England I have a 6th former, nearly 18, child experienced, comes with references ( from others not her adoring parent ) who would consider it to help her fund her way through university. There must be others just like her.

Getting a local teenager to babysit on a regular basis is a really good idea. DD starts secondary school in Sept and I'd be happier about her not having a proper childminder, etc by then. Au pair would be doable if we kept this house and dh moved out. We'd get his office back as a spare room.

You would be able to stay in the house, that is the normal starting point. And assets should be divided 50/50, again as a starting point (house would be sold/equity split when youngest child reaches 18). It's easy to be nice and say 'I don't want his money' etc, but it's not his money anyway, it's both of yours (whatever he says/thinks) and most importantly, it is for your daughter's welfare.

Maintenance is not always guaranteed and if you do split it is important you receive what is rightfully yours. It is not about taking smoeone to the cleaners, it is just getting what is fair and right for your daughter. If I were you, I would take a free initial appt with a solicitor for a chat.

OP i really dont' want to add to what is already a very stressful situation but it is important for your DD that this is NOT the relationship she sees modelled as she approaches her teens and begins to think about having relationships herself.
You said earlier that this would be better if she was 14 or 15 but by then her impression of how relationships are will already have been formed and she may find it difficult to expect better treatment from men.

PLEASE for her sake, show her that this behaviour is unnacceptable. Be strong. You have to model strong behaviour for her and show that it's better to live without a man than to be treated the way you've been treated.

Good luck. I know you can do it.

This is really sad. Has all been said about your "D"H. V sorry.

Legal advice - can often get a session free.

Finances - lots of advice available, free.

If you did leave, an au pair or local teenager(s) could be really good way of covering childcare. When I was in sixth form I did two nights a week til 9pm for one family, was good money and work environment compared to other alternatives for teenagers (e.g. waitressing). Often did the odd week in holidays too.

Or you could buy / rent a place with a reasonable-sized spare room and get a lodger to help cover bills.

Have you talked to your Dad about the situation? He may want to help.

How much does it cost ofr a solicitor after the initial free advice for a full divorce? I know it can vary hugely depending how smoothly it all goes but roughly? My parents divorced and it was very messy and they spent about 10k each. Is that normal?

Nope. That's ridiculously expensive. Not sure about legal aid.

When I was first divorced I used to pay a sixth former who went to school near my children's school to pick up the children, walk them home and cook them dinner. By the time I came home, I told her, I wanted all the dishes in the dishwasher, the children fed and the counters to be clean. (You have to be very, very specific when dealing with teenagers!) It worked really, really well.

I didn't know the girl beforehand. I phoned the sixth form and asked whether they could recommend a student who wanted to go on to either nursery nursing or teaching. The girl was delighted - it's a far nicer job than working in a shop and because it was every day, her money soon mounted up. I paid the minimum wage for her age, but she had her dinner here, too.

If your daughter is starting senior school, you could ask one of the older girls in that school. Mine were at junior school, so different schools.

Agree as much as possible between you and then just pay a solicitor for a few hours' work to put it all down in a written agreement. It doesn't have to be expensive. It only tends to get that way if people (or one party) dig their heels and refuse to compromise on anything.

Get your initial legal advice. Suggest he does the same. And then try to agree on finances and access to the children. Be reasonable and he might do the same. Although as he sounds like a twat, he might behave like a twat over this too.

Thats what I'm worried about.

Hi Viva, nothing practical to add, but I often see your posts and like them.

You will be ok, that's all. You have a really good portable profession which will not be taken away from you and your daughter is getting older all the time. If you don't want it to be, this will not last forever. Good luck, you seem like a really nice, capable, highly skilled person.

He is a wanker, an absolute toss pot. I have no better advice than has already been given, just wanted to add my support. But please - leave the bastard.

You are married to a selfish boy who has no awareness of the needs of others. Suggest you print this thread and show it to him.

Ah thanks, Bobbly. Don't make me cry again! I was crying last night too much.

They don;t have to be child minder if the kid is over the age of 8 and/or if its in your own home. I'm fairly sure they don't as we did briefly use an unregistered childminder for dd and I looked this up.

Right, so we're all agreed he's a wanker and if it wasn't for the practicalities, you'd throw him out on his ear, so practical advice:

1/ Midwifery - while you might prefer to be in a hospital setting, can you look for community midwife roles? They are normally closer to office hours. The days you are working might change, but the hours are normally pretty standard (friends who are community midwives work 8:30 - 5pm, it's just the days that change, granted, Saturday shifts might be hard for you, but then again, you could try to get those on your DD's access days with your then exH). This could be a long term plan, start looking, anywhere that's commutable.

2/ money - it's not his money, it's family money. He is equally responsible for costs relating to his DD, you will be awarded maintenence and as others have said,. You will probably be better off. There are benefits available.

3/ you deserve a man who will love you.

I'm glad to see your postings are so much more positive this morning Viva - you sounded so downhearted and ground down last night, today you're exploring possibilities and making plans. Best wishes.

Ok, I'll check about the teenage thing and find out. Thanks.

Community midwifery you have to be on call one night a week for home births. Fine if I can tie that in with when she's at her dad's so its worth thinking about. However I think I'd be a crap commuity midwife. I'm shit with organisational skills and paperwork. Also I'd lose all my unsocial hours payments which would be a drop of about £250 a month so not sure I could afford it.

I could maybe ask about a job in clinic which is 9-5 and no oncall. Same loss of money but I could maybe up my hours and go 4 or 5 days a week to make up for it.

Altinkum, of course they don't need to be a registered childminder if they're looking after your child in your own house. Babysitters don't have to be registered childminders. It's the childminder's home that's being inspected as a safe place - you don't need that in your own home.