To think my dh is a total twat

[VivaLeBeaver]

hes just got back from a jolly fucking holiday in Spain. Second holiday without us this year.

He went a few days after I was discharged from hospital after a week stay with a slipped disc. He actually booked it last minute while I was in hospital.
When he left I was still pretty much bed bound and sleeping a lot due to morphine.

While he's been one dd has been poorly with a terrible old and has been off school for three days. I've hadthis awful cold, possible flu. Terrible sore throat, raised temp, sweating buckets, not sleeping.

He's come back and is slamming around downstairs. I was in bed. After 30 mins I o down, he's ignoring me. I ask him what the problem is and he's moaning about the house being a mess.

It's not that fucking bad. Front room is cluttered as dd has been doing craft stuff which I couldnt face sorting, I haven't hoovered as I'm not allowed due to my back. Kitchen has been cleaned but dishwasher needed stacking. There are some bits on the stairs that need bringing up.

How fucking dare he be such a cunt. He's had a weeks holiday and left me home sick. I'd never have gone if he'd been as bad as I was when he left. Yes he didn't know I was going o get this bad cold, flu thing buti was really bad with my back. I've told him how upset I feel and he's still not talking to me.

By tomorrow you may feel differently.

Don't be fooled. This kind of ugly situation will repeat itself again and again.

Get advice, start planning, and know that however hard it's going to be it's surely better than what you've got. I dreaded my ex coming home at night- the whole atmosphere just got really stinky.

When we divorced I had 2 boys under 5, took home £900pw; it is doable. Just make sure you get the best legal advice you can.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

As has been said his behaviour is out of order, you and your dd deserve so much more respect.

I hope you find the strength to find a better life for yourself.

Oops. £900pm!

I'm a childminder, some do work late, I've had kids til 11pm before and my friend regularly has them til 9pm, ring a few you might find someone.

Dear Mr Beaver,

I hope you got a laugh or whatever you were looking for by treating your wife like dirt. Can't say I understand why you'd want to do this to the family you choose to live with, but I've given up understanding why miserable cunts do cuntish things.

How about doing everybody a favour and setting yourself free? If you do a mutually-agreed divorce, you can be single inside a year, with all the finances tied up and childcare sorted.

You know it makes sense.

Viva This is a shitty, shitty, horrible situation. I hope you take on board the fact that everyone here has said Go and everyone here is rooting for you. Please don't sit back and think you can't do anything because of your finances. That screams of a lack of power and a feeling of helplessness and that is honestly something you don't want your DD to see.

You can work it out. Make a plan of action over breakfast and put close to the top of the list, 'check finances'. Others have made some excellent suggestions re childcare, check them all out too. Whatever you do next, the main thing should be that you get the power back. Yes, channel some Rage Against The Machine! That should get you going. Rage against the OH!

I hesitate to tell anyone to leave their partner, but I think for the sake of your dd, you need to get out. Do you want her growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women? She will find herself a man just like daddy - emotionally abusive and selfish - is that what you want?

Good luck, sorting things out.

What a shit... I cannot imagine a relationship where a man gets to go away without his family, let alone in the circumstances you suggest, without there being big pay-backs... my husband always asks if it is okay and suggests it is a birthday/christmas gift if he wants to go away with his mates, and certainly wouldn't go if I needed care. As everyone has said, he seems controlling and manipulative and downright nasty.

He said holidays with you and his child are boring?? Screw him! What a total jerk. You deserve better and you know you do. You're a midwife so you must have seen what a real man is like around his wife and child - don't you want that sort of life for yourself and your daughter?

Leave him. No matter how little $1200 sounds, it is a liveable wage. You will find a way. Move into your Dad's for a while and save so you can pay a rent on your own place.

Make sure you get proof of all his wages as he sounds like the sort of slimy bottom feeder that would lie about assets in a divorce and to CSA.

Good luck and I hope both the pain in your back and the pain in your butt are distant memories soon enough :-)

Why exactly are you with him? WHY?
I don't get it!

I think with their wife in hospital, needing support when she comes out, most caring husbands would be cancelling pre-planned holidays, not booking new ones.

If you do want to leave him, try to start thinking of ways you can make it happen, rather than thinking of all the stumbling blocks. Try to change your mindset first.

In the mean time, is there any way you can make him see how selfish he is being, and how wrong it is for a DH to be like that towards his DW and child? I doubt he would get a clue, from what you've said, but you gave nothing to lose in trying.

Well he slept in dd,s room last night. He came in this morning and asked if I wanted anything for breakfast. I said an apology and he said sorry.

I'm still exceedingly pissed off. I don't mind do much about the holiday, though would have preferred him not to go. It's how he was when he got back last night which is upsetting.

I've got some thinking to do, I know I have.

Thanks for the support.

An apology just doesn't cut it though, who would do such a thing?

Would you want this for your daughter? Please think seriously about the example this is setting for her. There are always ways round everything, hunty gives excellent advice, please take it.

FWIW I have been suffering from long-term health problems for 18 months, and my DH has been out at night about twice in that time - and has felt guilty just for doing that. If he went on holiday without me and DD I would be devastated. Your wedding vows said "in sickness and in health" not "whenever you feel like it".

You deserve a lot better.

No you're right it doesn't cut it.

I've been looking at houses today on right move. I can see 2 bed terraces in the right area for 120k. I think there must be 100k equity in this house of which I'd get half. But I'd still need a 70k mortgage which is very scary.

You deserve better Viva. No-one deserves to be treated like that. When you are convenient for him I'm sure he is lovely. When it isn't convenient he is a wanker. Someone who loves you doesn't love you depending on convenience.

Would you not get ,ore than half given the disparity between your respective salaries and you having to house dd?

Not an expert - sure others could give you better advice.

I'm still in bed, can't face getting up.

He's downstairs hoovering, not sure if he's doing it because he feels guilty or doing it in a passive aggressive, look what state the house is in manner.

I had a lovely week when he was away, apart from being ill.

If you move into your dad's house and then he asks you to move out- you could apply to the council as homeless. Just a thought....

You dont mind about the holiday now? FFS-he really has got you brainwashed hasnt he?

I do have some sympathy for you-my own dh is financially abusive-didnt even know what that was until I came on mn!

But unlike you I have no money of my own.Thanks to some good advice in here I now know that my dh doesnt hold all the cards and that has given me back some power.

You are in a far better position because you earn your own money. With benefits and the maintenence he would have to pay I think you would be able to afford to go it alone.

Please dot it for your dd sake. Dont let her grow up thinking that its ok for men to treat women like this.

At 10 she must understand that it wasnt ok for daddy to bugger off on hols when her mum was just out of hospital

So sorry, but your DH sounds like a selfish arse!

Your DD is old enough for you to have an au pair, you know! If you have an extra bedroom you could include into the hours occasional overnights which the au pair needs to be at home for - they're sleeping there anyway so it would make it all much easier.

Viva, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. As others have said to you, your husband is emotionally abusive. He controls your finances and leaves you walking on egg shells. Emotional abusers are well known for using the silent treatment too.

I had a friend in a similar situation to yours and she kept making all the same excuses as you are for not leaving. She was scared about finances, scared about the future, just plain scared basically and thought it would be better to remain in the life she knew with him even though it was a miserable, horrible one, rather than trying to break out and make a life of her own.

The thing that changed her mind and I'm telling you this as you have a daughter too, was when a mutual (much wiser than me) friend of ours asked her how she would feel when her daughter grew up and married a similar man who treated her badly too. Your daughter is seeing his behaviour and thinking this is normal and this is how couples behave.

My friend DID leave and is now living with her daughter in a lovely much smaller, but happy house and although she has less money, she manages and has transformed from someone who walked around with her shoulders hunched up, who cried a lot, who rarely smiled or laughed into the happy, confident woman she is today.

Please think this over. Big hugs to you.

If you divorced, you would be allowed to stay in the house until your daughter was 18. That is the normal situation anyway.

If I could stay in this house that would make a massive difference. There's only a 40k mortgage on the house so payments are quite small.

Also dh has money in the bank, not sure quite how much but I suspect between 30 and 50k. And he has a half share in some land valued at 60k. So I suppose I might even be able to say to him keep your money, keep your land and that I want the house and a clean break with maintenance for dd.

Viva I really feel for you, that sounds like a dreadful situation. Get legal advice asap. Go to you local council and get advice on benefits. I'm pretty certain you would be able to stay in the house. You would also get housing benefit to cover the interest on you mortgage, so you could switch to an interest only mortgage for the time being.

Right now I would be booking myself into a spa for a few days with his credit card, pack a bag now and book it, when he gets home hand over DD to him and leave for a few days. It will give you a chance to think and work out what to do next.