To think my dh is a total twat

[VivaLeBeaver]

hes just got back from a jolly fucking holiday in Spain. Second holiday without us this year.

He went a few days after I was discharged from hospital after a week stay with a slipped disc. He actually booked it last minute while I was in hospital.
When he left I was still pretty much bed bound and sleeping a lot due to morphine.

While he's been one dd has been poorly with a terrible old and has been off school for three days. I've hadthis awful cold, possible flu. Terrible sore throat, raised temp, sweating buckets, not sleeping.

He's come back and is slamming around downstairs. I was in bed. After 30 mins I o down, he's ignoring me. I ask him what the problem is and he's moaning about the house being a mess.

It's not that fucking bad. Front room is cluttered as dd has been doing craft stuff which I couldnt face sorting, I haven't hoovered as I'm not allowed due to my back. Kitchen has been cleaned but dishwasher needed stacking. There are some bits on the stairs that need bringing up.

How fucking dare he be such a cunt. He's had a weeks holiday and left me home sick. I'd never have gone if he'd been as bad as I was when he left. Yes he didn't know I was going o get this bad cold, flu thing buti was really bad with my back. I've told him how upset I feel and he's still not talking to me.

You do know that you deserve better don't you? You really do not deserve to be treated this way. This isn't the way people should treat each other. His behaviour is cruel and cold.

This sounds like a relationship that's at the end of its life. He's fed up with you, you with him. He's behaving like a teenager. His bags are still packed I hope, send him on his way and make space in your life for a grown-up man.

I actually feel a bit tearful viva - I'm so sorry for you, and so angry thinking about the way he has behaved, only for HIM to not be talking to YOU?!

It's all so wrong, so sad and so wrong and so unfair and so horrible....I'm welling up.

Get him to fuck mate - everything else will work itself out...it has to.

I'm sure you could pay a babysitter as and when, and you may well get childcare help, if you find out about single parent tax credits etc.

God, this is just awful- I had no idea, I'm so sorry

Yes, that's plenty. He will have to pay fair maintenance for the house and DD.

You think someone who can treat her like this when they're together would be helpful re childcare if they split. Ha.

Viva - I know what it is like to choose to stay in a shit relationship rather than go it alone, I do. It is scary. I stayed when I really should have gone because I didn't want to be alone. But, my god, you are with a man who gives every indication that - well, even if he doesn't hate you, he sure as hell doesn't love you! You don't have to put up with it. You are making excuses, you are finding reasons because you're scared. I can't leave because... But you can. Are you saying that every other midwife with children has a partner? No. There will be many who have young children and they have found childcare. It is not a reason to stay with a man who treats you with contempt.

Or failing actually giving him the boot, I not know how feasible it would be for you to mentally imagine yourself as single parent albeit with him still living in house, biding your time? comments re: house taken as if water off a duck's back. Te mantra of "this too will pass". With the goal of getting to a point where dd more independent.

I'm not sure whether I could do it, i think the pressure would get too much. But you have to deal with it in a way that suits you and your dd. if carrying on as you are but with added venting on mn is the way you need to play it, then I think that's entirely your decision and I for one would not judge either way.

Viva, is he violent? I only ask because I wouldn't suggest certain strategies if he is. My guess is that he's just a selfish slob - but I might be wrong.

I might ask my dad if I can move into his house for a bit. It's been empty for six months as he's too poorly to live in it.
It's near work for me but a bit from dd,s school but I'd just have to drive her to school every day.

My DH and I have been known to take separate holidays but when you arrive home the understanding is you are grateful for the break and pick up the reins instantly and uncomplainingly if that's what's needed.

YANBU.

Citizen's Advice on Monday morning op. Good luck.

Sorry I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said but I'm totally aghast that he booked a holiday while you were in hospital knowing that you would need help when you got home.

I'm all for partners taking separate holidays, in fact I'm paying for due to go a golf trip as I know he would love it but its not my cup of tea. But if I was in as much pain as you were and he still went I would hit the roof!

You sound so unhappy, really if money and childcare are the only things you are staying for you need to find a way to get round this or this will be your life for goodness knows how long.

Hope you manage to find a solution :(

viva, hmmm... that is a tough one. It isn't a lot to support two, pay rent and cover child care.

Single/divorced mums are usually economically worse off...and I can see how known hardships are better than unknown ones.

What would happen now if you absolutely refused to contribute to the joint family pot and put your earnings in your own savings account?

Could you squirrel enough for a mortgage and a bit of a nest for yourself and dd? Do you have a plan for when you could leave him - is it in one year, two years...?

No, he's not violent but I think he'd turn nasty and vindictive if we split up.

I'd need a childminder till 10;00pm at night and people don't do that.

£1,200 a month is not particularly well paid.

what about tax credits etc?

Why not log onto entitled to and see what you would be entitled to as a single person?

But, you know, a mortgage isn't the be all and end all. If you had to choose between man who treats you with contempt + mortgage v alone (hopefully future with nice man who values you) + rented

Would you really choose the first one? Is a mortgage really that vital?

x-post - that's great if you can move into your dad's place.

turn nasty and vindictive?

You mean like booking a holiday while you're in hospital and buggering off leaving you to recover while caring for the children and then being damned vicious about the state of the house on his return?

That sort of nasty and vindictive?

Well he pays all the bills and mortgage and I buy all the groceries and childminder. So if I stopped putting in then we'd not eat and the childminder would not get paid.

I keep thinking this might be easier when dd is 14 or 15.

Do you have friends that could help? I would happily have a friends child for "out of hours" childcare if they were in this situation.

£1200 a month is enough for 2 people to live on - especially if you have an empty house to move into.
Do it for your DD's sake if not your own. She shouldn't been around such a disrespectful and, to be honest, abusive relationship.
A father who places his own desires before that of his child is no father at all in my book.

Buts rent is as much as a mortgage, I couldn't afford rent either. I daren't rely on tax credits even if I could get them. Who knows what the gov might stop next.

sorry, x-posted. If you have your dad's house then that will significantly reduce your outgoings. Sit down and work out the math. If there is any chance you can manage financially on your own, take it! The shite must be soooo draining on your soul!

Don't change the locks!!

Who looked after dd when you were in hospital?

And I couldn't rely on my dads house long term. He will either get better and want it back. Or need to sell it for care home fees. Or die and then he might leave it to his girlfriend. Or at best half between me and my brother.

Dh looked after dd while I was in hospital.