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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

236 replies

KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 08:42

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Honeydragon · 20/11/2011 08:44

UWVVU to send that email. Although this is hard for you how is it your SiL's fault?

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/11/2011 08:44

Oh dear.

YABU I'm afraid - did you actually email your sil and say you weren't happy for them?

littleducks · 20/11/2011 08:45

I think you know YABU, it isnt their fault, i think you should apologise for the email and then just maintain a nice from a distance relationship.

cjbartlett · 20/11/2011 08:46

Your poor sil
You are being selfish
It's not all about you is it?

goingtoofast · 20/11/2011 08:47

YABVU.

You should be happy for them, you need to keep your feelings of not be pregnant seperate from your feeling for your SIL.

cosysocks · 20/11/2011 08:47

YABU. I'm not surprised she has kicked up a fuss.

startwig1982 · 20/11/2011 08:48

Sad sorry you are having problems ttc. It does sound like you have lost a little perspective though. They have every right to get pregnant and I'm sure they're not trying to upset you. I know it can be hard when people around you get pregnant before you. Maybe just avoid contact for a bit and try to sound pleased for them when you do talk. Hope you get pregnant soon Smile

Cherriesarelovely · 20/11/2011 08:48

I know how hard it is to hear that others are pregnant when you are trying and feeling sad but I think you need to share it with someone else. Its VU to tellyour SIL that you are not happy for her.

iscream · 20/11/2011 08:49

YABU.

You really do owe her an apology.

NinkyNonker · 20/11/2011 08:49

Ooohhhhhh dear. You emailed her to tell her this? And you don't normally discuss feelings etc? Yabu I'm afraid. They may have been trying for and even if not, you were bang out of order.

Ps: 7 months really isn't a long ttc period, isn't 6 months the average?

CountingDown321 · 20/11/2011 08:50

Sorry it's so hard.

But this is one reason why people shouldn't announce they are trying for babies.

Your Bro and SIL did not lie to you. They were sensible.

I always feel worried when people tell me they have started trying.

Maybe it's just me though Blush

cjbartlett · 20/11/2011 08:50

Your going to be an aunt too, isn't that special to you?
How will you feel if you fall pregnant next month? You'll expect sil to be happy for you?
You're obviously going through a hard time
Can I ask is sil younger than you? I can't understand not being happy for them
I never told anyone when we ttc, it's a private thing, maybe they weren't even trying and it was a happy accident

Can you copy here what you wrote in the email? Might help us understand a bit more?

coccyx · 20/11/2011 08:50

Good grief, poor Sil. just because you have not got pregnant does not mean the whole world should stop having babies.
How would you feel if she was like that towards you. Grow up

fivegomadindorset · 20/11/2011 08:52

Oh lovey, YANBU about your feelings but YABVU about dumping your feelings on your SIL, it is not her fault, and 7 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things.

eaglewings · 20/11/2011 08:52

Do you know if they were ttc? Could ut have been a surprise? Perhaps they had been ttc for years but not said? Had she had mc you didn't know about? Every couple is different in what they share

Your best bet may be to send an apology by email and leave it at that

7 months is normal, but is obviously getting you down. Perhaps you need to spend less effort on ttc and focus on something else for a few months?

NinkyNonker · 20/11/2011 08:52

I can't understand telling people you're trying. Nothing worse than others knowing, and having that external pressure.

Besides, it's private!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/11/2011 08:53

YABU

This should be a happy time for your SIL and through no fault of her own you've pissed all over it. I can understand why you're upset/disappointed that it isn't your turn but really, when you do get your turn how would you feel if someone told you that they weren't happy for you?

duckdodgers · 20/11/2011 08:55

Your poor SIL - how on earth have they lied to you? Its not her fault you haven't fell pregnant and not to put on a smiley face and say congratulations even if you were eaten up by sadness and jealousy inside is very unreasonable!

And 7 months is nothing - it took nearly 2 years to conceive DS2 and Im not getting anywhere now.

cocoachannel · 20/11/2011 08:55

You have been very unreasonable, I'm afraid. How can you be angry? Maybe your brother didn't tell you they were trying because they feel it's a private, intimate matter? Maybe they were having problems conceiving?

Good luck TTC. Im sure many people on here will reassure you that seven months really isnt an eternity when TTC. Have you considered that the strict diet, yoga etc. may be too much pressure? Having a week off the strict regime may do the trick.

jassinkernow · 20/11/2011 08:55

A bit. But I don't blame you, and I've been in a similar situation and felt like you say you feel. Wanting to get pregnant and not being pregnant is incredibly difficult, and I've been in the situation of knowing I should be happy for family members and just feeling very very upset for myself and (unreasonably) angry at them for being able to get pregnant easily.
I think you have to try and look at what you have to lose though. It's OK for you not to feel happy about it, but, and this is horrible, the person who has most to lose through you not being able to deal with it is you. As you say, they've got what they want (but try to remember they haven't taken it from you - though I remember that's how I felt about it). You can't change that.
I did my best to hide my feelings about my SILs pregnancy (though I doubt I did a very good job), though to do that I had to keep my distance a bit (we lived miles away, luckily).
Obviously they want you to be happy for them, obviously you can't at the moment. I think you just need to be very gentle on yourself.

KatAndKit · 20/11/2011 08:56

I feel for you. It is very very hard when you are struggling and others around you seem to be getting pregnant all the time.

YANBU to feel angry and upset. That is natural. Go over to Conception where there are lots of threads with people in the same boat supporting each other.

YABU to vent your feelings to a newly pregnant woman though. Asking for trouble.

To put things right, I suggest you phone her up (don't email) if you can't see her in person. Explain that you are of course very happy for them both (even if you don't feel that way right now) and can't wait to meet their lovely new baby. However, you have been trying for a while without luck, so although you are very happy for them, it is hard for you to talk about pregnancy and babies at the moment. And then apologise again for upsetting her.

Have you only being trying for 7 months, or is that 7 months of charting etc after a long period of more relaxed trying?

I am not one who thinks relax and it will happen, but unless you have been trying for a long long time, I think you need to take a different approach as clearly you have become very stressed.

If you have only been trying for 7 months, that is quite average really. Ditch the charts and just have sex three times a week with a healthy (not strict) diet and lifestyle. A very strict diet and analysing charts might be making you feel worse when there is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps if you like the scientific approach, get a Clearblue Fertility Monitor instead of the charts.

If you have been trying for longer than a year, then see your doctor for a referral to a specialist. But less than a year is totally normal.

I do understand that it is very hard when you want to be pregnant but you aren't. I've been there. But other people will get pregnant and you need to find a way to smile, say congratulations, and then deal with your emotions privately with your partner.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 20/11/2011 08:56

YABVU, they may have been trying for years and didn't want to say anything. You certainly shouldn't have sent an e mail, that's just rude.

If I was your brother I would have been furious.

elinorbellowed · 20/11/2011 08:58

You need to apologise to her. It's not her fault and she deserves congratulations and celebrations.

MincePieFlavouredVoidka · 20/11/2011 08:59

Of course is natural to feel upset - I have been there.

But YABU to tell your SIL how you are feeling. You have to just suck it up and get on with it. Its hard but you have to do it. You owe your SIL an apology.

From your OP it sounds like you expected them to wait until you were PG to start trying themselves, which is also unreasonable.

Catslikehats · 20/11/2011 09:01

YABVU - you must know that?

You owe both your bro and your sil a huge apology.

I know it is hard when you are TTC, but you have lost perspective: 7 months is not long and your bro and sil have not taken anything from you.

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