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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

236 replies

KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 08:42

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pictish · 20/11/2011 10:31

Obviously I wrote in my message that I was upset at the moment and this was not directed at you in any way . It's just obviously hard for me to talk about pregnancy and babies at the moment, so I would ask for some space if that's ok

Oh my very GOD! You simply have no concept of how to apologise do you? That is STILL making it ALL ABOUT YOU! It's not an apology - it's further confirmation of your first inappropriate e-mail!!
How can you not see that??

FoxyRoxy · 20/11/2011 10:32

We have been ttc dc2 for more than 2 years. Sil told me recently that they were trying (we also live in different countries) and I was really pleased that I might have a niece or nephew to dote on! I didn't and haven't mentioned our problems and I won't, unless they have problems. It's not my sil and bil's fault that we are struggling is it?

I can understand why you are upset but please don't take it out on your sil, and yes, you should be happy for them! No one said you couldn't be sad for yourself at the same time.

YABU.

Dozer · 20/11/2011 10:32

OP, can see that you're trying to make things right, which is good but asking for space explicitly will come across badly, implies, for example, that you want to be even more distant from them (rejection) and that they're not allowed to talk about the pregnancy. Wanting space is fine if you can't deal with your feelings, but perhaps be more subtle about it!

pink4ever · 20/11/2011 10:33

Op-I would leave this thread if I were you now.

LuckyRocketshipUnderpants · 20/11/2011 10:34

Oh dear. It's great you apologised so promptly but I think the last sentence has pretty much undermined anything you've said. Because you've said on one hand that you are happy for them but ultimately your closing message is you still "need space"- which basically tells them that more than anything you are upset about it all and need to make it about you.

pigletmania · 20/11/2011 10:36

Oh dear OP like others have said, that will make things worse and add distance. I would have just said sorry!

pictish · 20/11/2011 10:36

Dear Brother and Sil

I apologise unreservedly for my email - it was inappropriate of me to cast my own situation over your wonderful news. I am embarrassed that I did. I hope you will forgive me.
In the meantime, huge congratulations to you both at this very exciting time. How lovely!

Your Sister

Surely to fuck?

Original poster
KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 10:42

Good advice! I am planning some trips for next year as TTC has driven me mad - clearly!

OP posts:
TandB · 20/11/2011 10:42

You can't help how you feel but I think you need to have another go at the apology.

You say your initial email wasn't directed at them but contained comments about how you felt about friends being pregnant when you weren't - there is no way anyone would have taken that as anything but a veiled hint that you didn't want to hear about your SIL's pregnancy. And the apology email still focuses on your feelings in a way that is likely to make them feel that you are blaming them.

Can you not just send another email saying something like "Sorry, I am struggling with the whole pregnancy thing but I am happy for you - please ignore all my previous comments. I'm not blaming you for me not being pregnant - please don't think that is what I meant. I haven't handled this very well."

They are having their baby, not yours and it is very, very unfair for them to be burdened with worrying about walking on eggshells around you while they are no doubt experiencing all the normal worries and uncertainties of a first pregnancy. And they were trying for 4 months and you for 7 months - that really isn't much of a difference - just 3 cycles.

Please think about a less conditional apology and then if you need space, just take it without putting the onus on them - it's not fair.

TandB · 20/11/2011 10:43

x-posted with Pictish's less waffly email suggestion.

Cakebunny · 20/11/2011 10:47

Jelousy is a wicked thing.

I've been on the other end of this with my best friend. She couldn't be around me when i was pregnant. It is very hurtful, but she did admit that she was very jelous and that she was happy for me in a way but it was a difficult time.

It really put a dampner on my pregnancy which was otherwise should have been a lovely time.
Don't spoil it for them because you are jelous, and it makes you feel better.

Just admit to them that you are jelous and you do find it difficult that she is pregnant and you are so sorry that you feel that way. You can't help the way you feel but I'm dam sure you can apologise for it!

sweetsherry · 20/11/2011 10:48

I feel for you OP. I spent 3 and a half years TTC#1, and 2 and a half so far TTC#2 without joy.

My SIL conceived on honeymoon (she was a virgin before getting married..) I couldn't look at her while she was pg.

However, I have since talked about things with her, and realise that as much as I was jealous of her hyper-fertility, she was jealous that my DH and I had had nearly ten years to do fun things (travelling, working abroad, house-buying, holidays, drinking..) as a couple before our DS came along to spoil all that!

Everyone has their own perspective.

Seven months isn't long, take it from me. I hope you get pg soon.

I bet you sort of wish you hadn't sent any emails at all now though? Maybe next time you should save your drafts and sleep on them..?!

MrsTittleMouse · 20/11/2011 10:50

I agree with pictish.

And I'm someone who went through years of failing to conceive and having fertility treatment. You don't have to feel happy for them - you can't help your feelings. But you do have to be pleasant to them. It's not their fault.

I used to smile and nod, smile and nod, and then go home and sob. You can vent here on the infertility board. You can get counselling (I did, when it all got a bit much). But you can't take it out on the pregnant. Chances are that you'll be in their ranks one day. :)

Original poster
KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 10:51

I am so sorry for your grief that must have been unbearable. I can see now that it's important to keep my feelings to myself - this hormone business is all new to me.

OP posts:
Dozer · 20/11/2011 10:58

oP, ttc can do funny things to people, good luck with everything.

MrsTittleMouse · 20/11/2011 11:01

It is very stressful TTC when you can see everyone falling pregnant at the drop of a hat, and it's very easy to let it become all-consuming. It certainly was for me at times. It's not at all unusual to become very angry with the whole process, and in fact I think it's very normal to have at least one episode of going loopy with it all.

By the way, we kept our TTC very private, so if you knew me in real life, you'd think that I was one of the super-fertile women (we ended up with two children :)). It's worth remembering that none of us really know what's going on in someone else's life. :)

MorelliOrRanger · 20/11/2011 11:04

YABU very unreasonable and unfair.

Why should your SIL not try and have a baby if she wants one just because you haven't been successful so far.

Nasty email to send. It's not her fault. You should apologise to them. :(

I do understand how you feel, but really 7 months ttc is not that long (we took 3 years with DD). Yes its upsetting at times and yes it's upsetting that people around you appear to get pg straight away but that's life. You should be happy for them.

Original poster
KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 11:08

Thank you everyone for your feedback - even if it's not what you want to hear - it's important. I have been concealing my feelings about this to everyone for 7 months (crying alone etc), so I guess it got the better of me and I have been a time bomb!
I just feel numb right now, but will do my best to put on happy face.

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 20/11/2011 11:09

Have read your email to them and am shocked you still haven't apologised properly.

Maybe just do what Pictish has said and leave everything about you out.

Mishy1234 · 20/11/2011 11:13

I have been there, so I know how you are feeling and it's really awful.

Your feelings are completely natural, but you are going to make yourself more and more unhappy and stressed if you don't get a handle on them.

You do have to acknowledge your feelings, but then move on. People are not going to stop getting pregnant because you aren't and they're not truly going to understand how you are feeling unless they've been there themselves.

Take a deep breath and TRY to be happy for your SIL. Eventually you will start to feel better about it.

KatieMiddIeton · 20/11/2011 11:19

Op, do you think you are maybe getting a little obsessed with ttc? Charting, cutting out alcohol and yoga all seems a bit much from the start. How many of us on here got knocked up while a tiny bit worse for wear?

You also seem to have issues with your status within the family. I wonder if you are a high achiever and you're taking this so hard because you're not used to things being out of your control?

Y have bvu and to have lost quite a bit of rational perspective. Maybe it would be good to find a better outlet for your feelings like a counsellor? It really isn't your SIL or brother's place to bear the weight of your feelings - particularly VHS email where misunderstandings are easy.

lovechoc · 20/11/2011 11:27

I feel quite sad seeing these types of threads because if the OP has kept quiet about her TTC and her SIL had kept quiet about TTC, and it was never talked about then I'm sure there would not be all this competitiveness over who had a baby first.

I never talked about TTC with anyone because it's no one else's business and there are no guarantees in life. IMO, just keep quiet about your intentions of having a family. No one needs to know until you've had a 12, or even the 20 week scan to prove it.

belgo · 20/11/2011 11:39

It is sad because just because her SIL is pregnant first, does not have anything to do with the OP's situation, and it's not really the SIL's fault that the OP is older then her brother.

planetpotty · 20/11/2011 11:40

What Pictish said and do it quickly!

It's understandable and I feel for you, but you have, like you said, lost perspective. Talk to your DH about your feelings about SIL pregnancy not her directly. It will only ever come across as jealousy/bitterness.

Remember it's your dn in there, so be sad that it's a reminder you have not conceived yet, but separate out those feelings from the ones that are in there which are happy for DB/SIL.

Damage limitation time.

Sending a hug as I think you deserve one and are having a rough time.

Panda1234 · 20/11/2011 11:40

OP - You don't need to keep all your feelings to yourself, as it can be difficult ttc. I think you just need to be a bit more selective about who you vent to! Your feelings are normal, it's how you act that makes a difference.

And, fwiw, I don't think you needing a bit of distance from the pg is as bad a thing as some people are making out - you do what you need to do to keep yourself sane. Some pg people seem to think that you should spend endless amounts of time being enthusiastic about their pg and don't realise that sensitivity cuts both ways.