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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

236 replies

KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 08:42

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pictish · 20/11/2011 11:43

I am going to try to put this in a diplomatic manner.....apologies if my words are harsh though, as I cannot rightly think of how to voice my opinion without it sounding tough.

OP - first off, I know some of what you feel. It took three years to conceive our ds2. It is different for me, as we had already been lucky enough to have our first son....so I did not feel as you do, having not had a wee one at all yet. Still though...a 2nd child was very much longed for and continually proved elusive, so I do appreciate a little of what you feel and say.

However, I would not have dreamed of putting a blight on anyone else's happiness in getting in the family way....which people we were close to did, within that three year period. To place yourself on centre stage in someone else's show, like some sort of tragic heroine, is beyond the pale. To then expect them to symapthise with you and take your issues on board themselves, to the point of having to walk on eggshells around you to protect your delicate feelings is very self centred.

You say you have been TTC for seven months (which as others point out, isn't that long) and by your own admission have spent those 7 months keeping your feelings to yourself and crying alone. Did you think you would snap your fingers and a baby would come along? Whatever is wrong with being patient, like everyone else has to be?? NONE of us can demand a baby to order, yet you feel slighted because it hasn't happened immediately? You have then passed those self centred and unrealistic expectations on to your brother, in an attempt to make him and his wife feel guilty, because they have been lucky enough to fall pregnant quicker than you will! Where do you get off doing that?!

Your 'apology' email pinpoints that you feel entirely justified in your actions regarding this....as you are still determined that it should be about you and your situation, rather than rightly about them and theirs. They have not stolen your thunder....they have not done it to hurt you....they are not responsible for your situation!!

Be mature and exercise some adult patience OP, and use some manners from here on in. Recognise that this is not all about you and behave accordingly. Your conduct has thus far been pretty dreadful.

7 months is no time at all when TTC - understand that, and be happy for your brother and his wife, who have been fortunate enough to conceive sooner. It's not a competion, and you have no exclusive rights to be the winner. You CERTAINLY have no place forcing others to swallow your sour grapes.

Remember...an apolgy isn't an apology if it contains a 'but'.

Very good luck in TTC...I hope it happens for you soon xx

GwendolineMaryLacey · 20/11/2011 11:46

It's not always simple to keep ttc to yourself. I had a mc earlier this year after which everyone and his dog knew we had been ttc and that we still were. We didn't specifically tell anyone but they still knew and were waiting for news all the time.

4madboys · 20/11/2011 12:02

your are not unreasonable to feel the way you do, BUT you were/are unreasonable to have told them!! and your apology is NOT an apology like pictish says you dont have a 'but' in an apology.

years ago when we were ttc ds2 i got preg and lost the baby VERY early at 6wks, we hadnt said to anyone we were ttc and no-one knew i had been preg and miscarried. a few days later i was at a friends who announced she was expecting baby no2, she showed us the scan picture and it broke my heart, but i sucked it up and i congratulated her and i did NOT mention my loss as it wasnt the time or the place, it was HER moment and i was happy for her.

yes i went home and had a little cry and felt sorry for myself, but in no way did i lay any guilt at her feet for the way i felt, it was my issue and she had every right to want me to be happy for her. as it turns out i got preg again straight away and my friend was delighted for me, as was my ohter friend who was going through ivf at the time. i am sure she also felt sad that i was pregnant and she was not, but she didnt make me feel bad for announcing my pregnancy and you should not be making your brother and sil feel bad, it is a happy occasion, you will be getting a little neice/nephew and your future child will have a cousin, so be happy for them and stop projecting your feelings about your situation onto them.

and good luck with the ttc.

cwtch4967 · 20/11/2011 12:03

YABVU How would you feel if it were the other way round?

I had YEARS of TTC and had to cope with my SIL having 4 children in that time. No one said life was fair, TTC can become all consuming but life does go on...........When you can't conceive and everyone around you seems to be pregnant you have to try and be happy for them even when you are hurting. Focus on the positive and start looking forward to being an aunt.
Apologise to your SIL - you were out of order!

7 months is hardly any time at all - it took me 17 years to have my first! I've congratulated so many pregnant friends and relatives in that time but kept the pain inside.

newcastle78 · 20/11/2011 12:22

Op I do know how hard this is. It took us 2 years to conceive our 1st child. It was the worst 2 years of my life. We did all the charts etc until the nurse at the hospital told us to ditch them. I remember talking to a friend who had had a miscarriage and actuallt thinking at least you can get pregnant. Of course I would never had said anything but now i feel so bad for even thinking it. Thankfully we were blessed with a lovely ds without treatment.
Whilst trying for no I had a miscarriage/ erpc exactly 2 weeks before another friends had her 2nd child.
Really hard but as others have said you have to suck it up.

Llanarth · 20/11/2011 12:30

All Pictish's comments on this thread have stood out as being spot on. I frankly can not believe you thought it appropriate to 'ask for space' in an email apologising for reacting selfishly to a pregnancy announcement!

I announced my pregnancy around the same time as my SIL (who is a few years older than me and DH, so was 'owed' the next pregnancy) had her third IVF failure. If my SIL was anything other than delighted and thrilled with our news she certainly didn't let on, and her congratulations were genuine and heartfelt.

I think if my SIL had reacted in the way you have (despite it being more justified, following 3 years of TTC and IVF) it would have irreparably damaged our relationship. She went on to have my DN six months after my DS and we have both supported each other over our failure's to conceive any more children. Yes, in the past I have felt jealousy when others have announced their second and third pregnancies but I am still happy for them (and I would never piss on their parade by telling them how I am feeling).

OP, you haven't once said that you are actually pleased for you BIL and SIL to be having a baby and that you will have a DN. If that is a true reflection of how you are feeling, I think that's sad.

daveywarbeck · 20/11/2011 12:33

you asked them for space? I think you'll be getting it.

NinkyNonker · 20/11/2011 12:35

God, you call that an apology? Amazing, really.

BerylStreep · 20/11/2011 12:36

Spectacularly self-centred. Sorry if it sounds harsh.

NinkyNonker · 20/11/2011 12:38

I am amazed anyone can be so self involved. It took me longer than you to conceive dd1, it is normal.

edam · 20/11/2011 12:38

KIWI, don't lose hope after seven months - it takes an average of six months so there will be plenty of people either side of that. You sound as if you think you've obeyed 'the rules' so you deserve to be pregnant. But that's not the way it works, I'm afraid.

Glad you've taken the advice on this thread and hope things happen for you very soon.

daveywarbeck · 20/11/2011 12:40

btw op I have had fertility problems myself so I do empatihise I just think you handled SIL v v badly. But I wouldn't classify TTC for 7 months as fertility problems.

My consultant said most ttc couples simply don't have sex often enough.

somedayma · 20/11/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

pink4ever · 20/11/2011 12:46

Wow what a lot of saints and martyrs on this thread. And thats me being nice about itHmm

Yes perhaps op should be happy for her bil/sil but thats not the way life works some times. Do I feel happy when I see some one else win the lottery?-do I hell I think damn I wish that were me!

I dont believe op has done a bad thing being open about her feelings. Doesnt matter if its only 7 months-to op that must feel like forever. Perhaps now she will get be able to see things a bit more in perspective.

Op-you have apologised-dont keep apologising on this thread as you are going to get no joy until posters on here have you believing you are "a biatch","toxic" "jealous","bitter and twisted".

Move forward from this.

pink4ever · 20/11/2011 12:47

I have reported that vile comment.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/11/2011 12:48

Blimey someday comments like that really make you seem like the better person? Hmm

Flanelle · 20/11/2011 12:50

Yes, you are none of those things. And you can come back from this, with some really thoughtful damage-limitation. And, as someone else has pointed out already - sensitivity cuts both ways.

ditzymitzy2 · 20/11/2011 12:57

blimey whats the big rush? six months is nothing. If you had said six years i may have felt a tinge of sympathy!!

and fertility yoga?? what a load of middle class bollox PMSL!

relax and enjoy sex. stop making it into a big chore that has to be done at this time on that day

way to go to kill a marriage

GwendolineMaryLacey · 20/11/2011 12:59

The marriage counsellor has arrived... Hmm

wildfig · 20/11/2011 13:01

TTC can send you loopy, especially if you treat it like some kind of exam - with extra yoga, tests, special diet, etc - that you're failing when everyone else seems to be breezing through it with no revision and sometimes even while pissed. I totally sympathise with that.

But don't get a reputation in the family as The One You Can't Mention Babies In Front Of - my MIL is determined to make me out to be a tragic baby martyr, and it is an (unwarranted) pain that only makes an awkward situation worse. One good thing about email is that it makes it really, really easy to be super happy for everyone, and promptly. When my friends/family announce pregnancies, I make sure I'm one of the first to congratulate them with a cheerful email, so they don't have to tiptoe around me. If I go and have a cry afterwards they don't have to know. Email her back, say you're going a bit mad with hormones, and that you're really thrilled for her, can't wait to see DB as a dad, hope the baby doesn't have DB's nose, etc - or else it'll escalate into phone calls and 'concerned conversations' and they're much harder to handle calmly, especially over Christmas.

Just a suggestion, but would it help the pressure if you and DH took up a new hobby together so that you've got something new and interesting to talk about, if you're dreading eight months of family baby updates? One horrible side-effect about TTC is that it constantly reminds you what you don't have in your life, rather than what you do.

TheRealTillyMinto · 20/11/2011 13:02

YANBU to feel like you are feeling but you should have taken a deep breath & acted like everything was fine.

i think the same thing applies now - you just need to take a deep breath & act like the only thing you feel is happy for them...& if they are a bit odd, i am afraid you need to just get over that.

jellybeans · 20/11/2011 13:04

YANBU to feel that way at all. I felt very simelar when ttc my DS3 after a late loss the year before and several health issues which meant I may well have lost another baby-getting pregnant was only half the battle. I felt like people were rubbing my face in it by making it look so easy. I resented friends who were pregnant, had 'easy' lives or easy births. Of course, years later I realise that it wasn't the way it felt. Yes some people haven't been through the hell i have but most people do eventually face horrid times too and others have been through far worse. You cannot help the way you feel but sadly you have to keep those feelings to yourself or those who are in a simelar boat or unusually empathetic.

Sending an email or telling her your thoughts isn't a good idea really but then again why should you hide your feelings? Why are only good happy feelings allowed? When I was pregnant just after a friend miscarried, I was very very careful not to go on about it and didn't expect her to be joyful for me either. It's very difficult to be happy for someone when it reminds you of your loss/what you are desperate for/can't have etc.

Unless she has been ttc for a long time or had a loss it is unlikely she will understand. I know alot of mums who have had stillbirths who struggled with pregnant relatives long term because the child is a constant reminder.

I hope you have a happy healthy pregnancy soon and that he painful feelings become less.

Hardgoing · 20/11/2011 13:05

Pictish, your comments are spot on.

Llanarth · 20/11/2011 13:20

Very very good advice from wildfig there. Hopefully you will get your positive test result soon and all this will be forgotten, but there is always a possibility that, as with many of the posters on here, it will take several years of interventions to get pregnant. You definitely don't want to be labelled 'tragic baby martyr' during that process as it will make dealing with your own sadness 100 x harder.

I hope it all works out for you.

lisaro · 20/11/2011 13:25

YABVVVU. That was an awful thing to do. And I bet you also chuck a wobbly if/when you get pregnant and people aren't falling over themselves to congratulate you.

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