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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

236 replies

KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 08:42

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 09:35

Thanks for your understanding - I think perhaps I just need to apologize and try to smooth it over for what it's worth. It only took them 4 months and they were TTC. I know 7 months is not that long, it's just that I have been so disciplined to diet etc and I guess I have lost perspective!

OP posts:
Kayano · 20/11/2011 09:37

I still wouldn't have brought it up in a 'congratulation email'

Confused

My SIL did not congratulate me despite her having two kids and this being my first. I hated her for it. I was so upset about it that We just didn't speak to each other after that. They had decided not to have anymore kids anyway so I couldn't understand her at all. I had pretty much told DH that BIL could be godfather, but god mother was coming from my side as I would
NOT have someone who wasn't happy about this baby being godmother and potentially getting a say in anything.

Luckily she showed herself to be a skank and is not now my SIL Grin

Besom · 20/11/2011 09:37

That's the right thing to do.

Good luck! Fingers and toes crossed for you.

Flanelle · 20/11/2011 09:37

Sounds like not only did you feel shite for not being pregnant, but now you feel shat on for expressing how shite you felt and why?
What does your brother say? I understand that he has to be careful here, but all the same, is he upset that his DW is upset or actually upset at what you said? Are other family members responding as your SIL did or are they a bit more sympathetic? You don't know enough about things yet, I don't think.

I hope you can see that although your intent was excellent, the timing could have been better.

I have spent a long time in my life ttc too, so I can totaly get it. You spend all that time trying NOT to get pregnant and then all of a sudden ... it's like it's bloody impossible to. But it's not. It just feels that way.

YANB particularly U. And you aren't a biatch. Who the fuck said that?? Jesus.

But a further apology might be in order - humble pie - it won't kill you - and some fact finding about how people are really feeling re. the situation. Don't try and guess.

xxF

pigletmania · 20/11/2011 09:37

I was trying for dc 2 for 2.5 years (I am 30 weeks pg btw) dd came along very fast, 7 months is absolutely nothing really. Relax and stop 'trying' iyswim

fivegomadindorset · 20/11/2011 09:38

Relax, get drunk, have sex for fun and not for TTC, you never know what may happen.

KatAndKit · 20/11/2011 09:38

Remember that women have been having babies since forever. How long it takes is often a matter of luck (unless you have been trying ages and have fertility issues). A disciplined diet won't make it happen faster. Nor will all the rest. For most people, lots of sex is all you need.

It isn't like you have been "better" than her so you deserve to get pregnant faster. It doesn't work that way. I think you are making ttc much harder for yourself than you need to.

Flanelle · 20/11/2011 09:39

xp :-)

Good for you x

pictish · 20/11/2011 09:41

Oh dear OP....you have allowed your emotions to take over your sensibilities and manners on this one.
The correct response was a simple congratulations, not an 'update' of your own fertility problems and how put out you feel about her and other people's pregnancies. How very selfy.
Issue apologies forthwith, and let this be a little lesson in maturity to you.

You're behaving as though they have stolen YOUR show. They haven't.

I hope you get a similar result yourself very soon....in the meantime a little humility certainly would not go amiss.

lovechoc · 20/11/2011 09:42

YANBU - I'd probably be upset too if I'd found out. YABU to grudge them their happy news about having their own baby though. You too will be pregnant soon enough. Just tell everyone you have no plans to have children and it will more than likely happen for you. Sod's law.

Probably best to apologise for your email to your SIL.

LCarbury · 20/11/2011 09:43

Good for you OP. It's early days anyway, here's hoping your own pregnancy will be happily underway before your nephew or niece is born, that should take the edge off the sting for you.

cocoachannel · 20/11/2011 09:43

OP, everyone is different, but my experience was that when I did the diet yoga thing I got pregnant after some time, but it was an ectopic. After the EP I went completely off the rails I enjoyed the odd drink, ate what I liked and did less obsessive exercise and got pregnant the first cycle of not using contraception. I'm currently watching my 9 month old crawling round our lounge. I really hope you'll be doing the same very soon. In the meantime, relax, enjoy your independence and squeeze in more of those romantic breaks! Here's to you welcoming your DN with your own baby on it's way. Good luck!

mummymccar · 20/11/2011 09:45

I think that apologising is the way to go forward, I'm glad you can now see where you went wrong.
I'd also just like to mention that I think you've forgotten how SIL may have been feeling when she told you. DP and I were told that we couldn't have children without the help of IVF and unbeknownst to us, SIL and her brother were ttc and had been for months. When she told us and we were happy for them she confessed that she'd been terrified of telling us and that it had actually been making her sick. I felt awful that she felt that way and we hadn't done anything to make her think we'd react badly. We fell pregnant a month later.

I think an apology is a good start but you've tainted a really big milestone in their lives and if someone had done that to me I'm not sure I'd ever forgive them. I think you need to phone to apologise if you can't do it in person and make some kind of big gesture to show them how happy you are.

ohanotherone · 20/11/2011 09:49

I think you sound quite toxic. Every baby is precious and although you want one, it shouldn't stop you from being happy for someone else. I'm glad you are not my sister in law. You don't know what happened for them to concieve so you have not been lied to at all.

KatAndKit · 20/11/2011 09:51

ohanotherone read the thread! the OP has listened to what people said, accepted that she has upset her SIL and by the sounds of it, is going to apologise. So no need to be calling her names really.

ohanotherone · 20/11/2011 09:54

Yes, I read that now but missed it before. It is toxic behaviour though and It's good that she is going to apologise.

cocoachannel · 20/11/2011 09:56

Toxic? Oh come on, that's uncalled for. The OP has acknowledged she's wrong and is going to apologise. I think that even though most of us agreed that her behaviour was poor, the majority also acknowledged how hard it must be for her. As somebody said unthread, 'TTC sends you a bit loopy'; never a truer statement made.

ohanotherone · 20/11/2011 09:59

Hmm, I think I felt quite strongly about initial post because I know people who have gone through years of hell trying to have a baby, yet when I announced my pregnancy were lovely about it and have welcomed my baby with open arms so am thinking how hurt sister in law must be.

Panda1234 · 20/11/2011 10:00

Good for OP for saying she'll apologise. Just to reiterate, 7 months isn't that long (it took me four years, 2 losses and loads of IVF to get a pregnancy that stuck). Most docs will usually only give you a referral for fertility treatment after you've been trying a year, but if you're really worried then you could try speaking to yours now?

I'd also really think about ditching the yoga and the charting, and only diet if you actually need to (ignore weird fertility diets!). Having a shag every 2-3 days is much more sensible and might be more fun. If you don't have any problems, then that will do the trick. If you do have underlying medical problems, then all the charting and yoga in the world probably isn't going to make much difference.

I'd also make sure you have other projects/holidays on the go so your life never gets taken over with ttc again. Good luck!

thefurryone · 20/11/2011 10:00

OP I'm glad you've decided to apologise as your first post did make you sound like a petulant child. The only appropriate response to pregnancy news is to be happy for people. Even if you aren't pregnant yet it's not like they've taken your chance.

I think you need to chill out a bit. Babies are not something you can just order and as much as you want to control the situation you can't, my best advice just get on with your life and have lots of sex. If you still haven't conceived after a year visit the doctor to see if there is a problem.

spugglers · 20/11/2011 10:00

Yabu. I was worried about announcing my second pregnancy to my sil I was aware that they had been trying for a while, we had be trying for a while too but hadn't told anyone and I was worried that the announcement would be a bolt out of the blue. My sil couldn't have been happier for us. Fortunately she fell pregnant a few months later.

Yabu, did you expect them not to ttc until you fell pregnant?

OnlyWantsOne · 20/11/2011 10:00

YABU.

effectively, your jealous your brother has some thing you dont. Are you 12?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 20/11/2011 10:06

Yes, it's really that simple OWO Hmm

pink4ever · 20/11/2011 10:06

OP I feel for you and think you have been given far too harsh a time on here

I remember how I felt when I couldnt fall pregnant after I lost my first son. I was desperate,on the verge of a breakdown. A close family member had been pregnant at the same time as me for the second time. Both times I lost my baby and they had theres. I hated them. I was so angry and jealous that their dcs were here and mind werent.

Yes its unreasonable but sometimes you cant reason with grief. I refused to see their second child for months as it was simply too painful. Am sure I will get flamed for that but thats how I felt and they had their babies so that trumped everything in my book.

I would send sil some flowers or a small gift just to show that you are trying to come to terms with your feelings and that you will eventually genuinely be happy for them.

Good luck with the ttc.

PeneloPeePitstop · 20/11/2011 10:07

YANBU to feel this way but YWBVU to tell her.