Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

[KIWIFTM]

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

No, you won't get flamed for that. There is a massive difference between the grief of losing a baby and not having conceived within an average time frame.

Glad to hear that you are going to apologise.

I'm not suggesting that you do this but when we were ttc ds2 we did everything by the book for a year and nothing happened, then I got fed up, stopped charting and drank lots of wine on holiday and I fell pregnant. I often wonder if being relaxed had anything to do with my change of fortune.

Sending you lots of good luck vibes and I hope you have something to celebrate soon.

It is frustrating when someone seems to achieve the thing you want so badly, seemingly effortlessly. I was dismayed when my SIL (who always said she didn't want kids) announced her "oops pregnancy" after we'd been trying for 3 years with one failed IVF under our belt . But it's the sort of thing you have to suck up and be gracious about.

Definitely do apologise and then move on. And remember her becoming pregnant does not mean the baby store is completely sold out of stock- there is no reason why you will not have your own joy very soon. Good luck.

Thanks I have now apologised to her, I had to send an email as she is traveling this weekend. I have also asked for space as I think the pressure from them to be madly happy for them might make me get angry if we talk.
I do realise I have a lot to lose, so I'll just have to suck it up for now.

I don't think it is so much to do with being "relaxed". I think it is sometimes that if you are devoting so much time to your charts, and your diet, and your yoga and all that, well, that is time and mental energy that you could be devoting to your sex life. Often when people are on holiday they have more sex. Sex makes babies.

I didn't feel in the slightest bit relaxed about conceiving (have had two miscarriages) and I found it mightily stressful all but the first time. But I did avoid things that would make it even more mental. Sticking a thermometer in your mouth when you first wake up is not very sexy at all. Cuddling up to your partner and having a kiss and seeing if you feel like having sex is going to be much more productive.

YABVVU.

You need to apologise.

kitkat-op has her own grief though. She is grieving for the babies she wants when she gets her period every month. I can remember all too clearly how obsessive I was about ttc-it was actually like I wasnt even in control of myself.

I hope the op can smooth things over with the sil-for the sake of the whole family.

The family member I was talking about was very gracious to me and never held against me. They sadly when onto to lose a baby at a late stage themselves and I was there to support them and they then said they hadnt understood what I was going through.

I adore my dn now btw.

x posts.

Glad you have apologised.

Good luck

'as I think the pressure from them to be madly happy for them might make me get angry'

did you really say that in the email? If so, I'm not sure if your apology is going to help.

It can be very stressful trying to get pregnant, and it won't help if I tell you that seven months TTC is nothing compared to what so many of us have been though. You have to try and let go of this anger, it will not be helping you physically or mentally.

but your apology email is still about YOU!!

What you should have done is said I'm very happy to hear your good news and I'm sorry I spoilt your announcement with going on about my own issues. Wishing you all the best for a lovely healthy pregnancy.

talking about "space" and all that is still going on about your own ishoos. How much space do you need, given that she is already in a different country?

Honestly, I had some patience at first, but you really don't seem able to grasp that it isn't all about you and your feelings. Your brother is expecting his first child and all you can say to him and his wife is you need space because her being pregnant might make you angry? FFS.

YABU - but I guess you know that now, don't you?

Say sorry, say you were finding hard but you are happy for them and you think your DB will be a great dad etc.

things to remember - if you were TTC, telling people and not getting pregnant, they might have chosen not to tell you because they saw it doesn't always happen quickly and didn't want the additional pressure of both trying at the same time, where as if they hadn't known you were TTC they might have told you.

Also, if you do get pregnant in the next 6 months or so, your DCs will be only a few months apart in age, by the time they are at school that sort of difference will be nothing. They will effectively grow up with a cousin who's at the same stage. You and your DB will be going through all those milestones of first days at school, first girlfriends/boyfriends, teenage strops, exams, leaving home etc at roughly the same time. How lovely that you and your DB will be going through all that together, he will get it everytime you whinge, your lives could be so close. Don't throw away the chance of your future DCs having a great close relationship with their cousin just because you've been hit by the green eyed monster.

And relax, as someone said up thread, ease off the diet and yoga for Christmas, getting hammered and having some filthy fun is the best way to get knocked up, quite frankly that's how I got DS and why there's always a lot of end of September birthdays...

so once again you have made the email all about you.,..

opps - cross posts with alot of like minded people!!

pink as someone who has lost two babies, albeit in the first trimester, I can say with some authority that having your period does not really compare on the "grief" scale with losing a baby.

I have apologised to them both, the original message was to both of them and wasn't nasty at all. It said congratulations etc, but I think she felt that I had shared my feelings about TTC and how I was feeling upset and they were directed at her - which they weren't. We don't have a close relationship so sharing any of my feelings is new to her but I share lots of personal stuff with my brother - so I guess it was a bridge too far..

kitkat-I disagree-you cant compare grief. Its entirely personal to the person. Maybe as op has never been pregnant? to her the grief is all consuming.

I also wont flame her for asking for space either as I also did this. I completely withdrew from family and friends-I needed time to try and deal with it. I am sure op probably just means that she really cant deal with constant emails about the pregnancy and again I dont blame her for that.

Yabvu. Pregnancy is a time for joy and she obviously wants to share hers with you. Never wish ill and think badly of people - especially family. Spread love and wishes of well being and you will get them back.
It's hard for you and you will get there. Apologise and make up as you would want your baby to have cousins and family who love him/her. Also for a mum to be an unborn child is a thing of joy but also anxiety...everyone one wants their baby to be loved and welcomed by all, don't spoil it...I assume if you are ttc then you love babies anyway..don't discriminate! Love love love, pretend joy if needed.

Everyone else has coverd it, but with respect to them not telling you they were trying and feeling "lied to", yabu on that too am afraid. You have chosen to be open with people on TTC, but that doesn't mean you are owed the same level of openness in return, it doesn't work like that. on such a personal issue people make different decisions about what information to share.

A fertility specialist told us that the average length of time taken to conceive is 6-9 months, longer depending on factors such as age.

A few people on here suggesting that OP "relax", this seems to be ubiquitous advice to anyone fretting about ttc or staying pregnant, and it's really not helpful, can just add to the pressure and make couples feel that the problems are their fault for not relaxing! Lots of discussion on other forums of the unhelpfulness of this advice.

yesterday I met up with a friend of friend who is now happily 6months pregnant after 10 years of trying (pregnancy through ivf, many attempts), at a child's birthday party. Several people who hardly knew her but knew the couple had struggled ttc (they have been open about it) were saying things like, "well, see what happens when you relax about it"! Wtf? How rude and ignorant! She handled it admirably, must've been hard.

OP, there is really good support elsewhere on MN and on other sites like baby and bump. When we had problems and I felt jealous, sad etc I found it really helpful to vent there, and then behave well in RL! It's fine to feel upset, but not fine to behave like a diva.

OP, I felt very strongly when I read your first post. However, I see that you have taken on board other people's pov so I won't berate you any more.

I think you need to start thinking about this from you SIL and DB's perspective when thinking about how best to apologise. You don't just need to say sorry, you also need (if you want any relationship with them and their DC in thefuture) to convince them that you are over the moon to be having a niece or nephew (is it your first one? Because it's amazing!! ) and that you are soooo delighted and excited for them.

Because this is about them and not you. Don't just apologise saying 'sorry, it's just hard for me because...blah blah blah'. That is self-indulgent.

I know this is a long post, but I can't stop imagining if my DSis had had a reaction like that from her SIL. I would be comforting her and telling her that the other person was jealous and nasty and selfish and bitter. All these things, ttc can turn you into. Don't let it.

Use this as a chance to re-examine your own approach to and feelngs about ttc. This should be a wake-up call and maybe you need to think about how much stress you are putting yourself under to snap like this. I don't agree with posters who have said YANBU to feel like this. I think it is surely natural to feel a flash of jealousy, etc but then give yourself a talking-to pretty pronto. Don't fall prey to presenting yourself as a victim to everyone, just because you are going through a perfectly normal (if difficult) process.

I really hope you get a positive result v soon and that you can be happy about the amazing gift of a niece or nephew. And I hope someone will congratulate you when you do.

oh no, I certainly didn't say that, I said that perhaps there had been a mis - communication, I said I was happy for them and I was very sorry if I had upset them or hurt them in any way, I know it's not all about me and I have written a very heart felt apology to them both. I only said "Obviously I wrote in my message that I was upset at the moment and this was not directed at you in any way . It's just obviously hard for me to talk about pregnancy and babies at the moment, so I would ask for some space if that's ok"

Gosh what an awful thing to do - that is is incredibly mean.

X post, too late. I would be pretty pissed off and hurt by now if I were your SIL, and pretty embarassed and rejected if I were your DB.

YANBU to feel sad about your own situation and to feel hurt by other people getting pregnant. Of course other people will get pregnant around you and you are bound to have irrational feelings of jealousy and hurt. I think other posters are being a bit mean but then this is AIBU and you might get a better recepion in the conception boards where people have an understanding of what it's like to be TTC with no results.

I think it can be much harder to cope with when family get pregnant around you than when it's just random people you work with for example. There are bound to be siblng rivalries and it just hurts more when it's closer to home.

"when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her" I think that it's sometimes very hard to get other people to understand the pain of unsuccessful TTC and though emailing them may be an effort on your part to share feelings and give an explanation it's still really hard for other people to put themselves in your headspace, particularly when they have managed to get pregnant with no difficulty.

On the other hand, 7 months is not too long and so I wouldn't start to get stressed yet.

Op-you have apologised. Its up to them now if they are gracious enough to accept it. I wont flame you for your feelings and I wish you luck with the tcc.

To the posters implying op wont love her dn-ffs! Of course she will come to terms with this. I lost my second son at 28 weeks-my sister was 34 weeks at the time. Yes it was difficult and my sister said she totally understood if I didnt feel able to come and see my dn but I went and yes I love him very much.

I am sure the op will be feel the same and once she has got over her disapointment will be fully supportive to them both.

Good points - thank you :) I guess I am an over ambitious and don't like to feel tat my younger brother (34) is getting ahead of me (I am 35 and the eldest)
stupid I know.