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Original poster

Feelings of anger SIL pregnant

236 replies

KIWIFTM · 20/11/2011 08:42

After 7 months of charting my cycles and staying a strict diet, no alcohol, fertility yoga and taking a romantic 2 week holiday - I'm still not pregnant.
I have just found out that my SIL is pregnant and am finding it really hard to be happy for them. In fact I'm feeling really angry at them. Firstly I had let on to my brother that we were trying and they kept that to themselves ( we live in different countries). I feel like I've been lied to and now I am expected to be happy, with the added heartbreak of not being pregnant myself. I think they're being unrealistic about a happy reaction from me.
I was on the phone to my family the other day and I was passed over to my SIL, as they are only 6 weeks I had been told not to talk about it, so I didn't. We have quite a 'superficial' relationship and I never share my feelings with her, so when I emailed to say how I was feeling I think she thought I was dumping on her. Now my SIL is kicking up a fuss saying I am not happy for them and am causing problems in our family. What do they need from me anyway? they've got what they want - Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Kayano · 20/11/2011 18:52

Ten wen?! Damn phone Blush

runningwilde · 20/11/2011 18:53

Yabvu

You can't honestly think the way you feel
Is reasonable?

AuntieDoris · 20/11/2011 18:54

Of course it is reasonable to feel like that, it's just not reasonable to say it!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/11/2011 18:56

I tried for a year before DC4. I had just lost DD. My friend found out and dumped me. She didnt speak to me for a long time.

I love my friend. It hurt but I tried really hard to understand because for someone like her to do something like that... She must have been a bit out of her mind.

But she had been trying for two years by then.

It still really hurt though. I suppose she distanced herself to avoid making me feel worse if she felt she was going to be unkind in some way.

So she was doing what was best in the circumstances.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/11/2011 18:59

Blimey the hypocrisy on this thread makes me want to

ReindeerBollocks · 20/11/2011 19:02

That is so sad OhDo, but also the OP is family to the future child so will have to get over the upset as the family will be talking about the new baby and it's arrival.

It's not going to be easy to do but being polite and happy for them will be best in the long run, and although you are upset OP, I'm sure they would be sad to think that your feeling this way over their news.

runningwilde · 20/11/2011 19:08

Yes that's what I meant auntdoris! However she was feeling, emailing her at that time with those kind of words was wrong. The email should have just said congratulations. I feel sorry for her brother and sil

thebigkahuna · 20/11/2011 19:08

Op, if you're still there.

When I conceived my first I was a bit crazy like you. Very strict about everything, healthy BMI, gave up drinking, had accupuncture, did all sorts of crazy stuff and took all sorts of crazy supplements. Took about 6 or 7 months (can't quite remember but def at least 6 months)

Second time round did nothing to ttc, still hanging on to 1 stone of baby weight, ate crap, drank merrily and found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks after DH and I had decided to ttc.

Purely anecdotal I know, but ttc should be as fun if you can make it. If you are a bit of a lush like me enjoy your wine then nothing is going to make 7 months seem like a long time more than total abstinence!

I wish you luck ttc Smile

DuelingFanio · 20/11/2011 19:13

"How many of us on here got knocked up while a tiny bit worse for wear?" and how many of us didn't get 'knicked up' despite doing everything 'right'?

It's easy for the super fertile to judge those who aren't.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/11/2011 19:46

Yes reindeer that does make it all the more sad. That is why I hope the OP can get her head round this.

Its only going to get worse if she doesnt.

crashdoll · 20/11/2011 20:31

DuelingFanio Most people are saying it was wrong for her to email her SIL directly not that her feelings are wrong. Emotions are personal and IMO, can never be wrong. However, to take her feelings out on her SIL wasn't very kind.

Panda1234 · 20/11/2011 21:39

It really sets my teeth on edge when there's a thread like this and people come on and say "It was so hard for me when my friend had a miscarriage/infertility issues". Well, gosh, it must have been awful for you! Dry your eyes and thank your lucky stars that you weren't the person dealing with a serious medical condition or grief.

CinnabarRed · 20/11/2011 21:53

I'm going to buck the trend a little, because I don't think SIL has exactly covered herself in glory either. She knows that OP is TTC, and must have an inkling of how OP is feeling, but still chose to make a big deal about how hurt she felt by OP's email (which, BTW, didn't sound all that bad to me).

SIL has got exactly what she wanted and the mature thing for her to have done was to recognise OP's email for what it was - congratulations but with acknowledgment that she was finding it tough - and gracefully pretend it hadn't been sent. And then been tactfully unforthcoming about the rest of her pregnancy to OP.

FWIW, I've been incredibly lucky and never had any issue conceiving. But my best friend and a female relative did. Both explained that they were struggling with my pregnancies, and I was grateful they'd been so explicit because it meant I could handle our interactions as sensitively as I knew how. I also felt honoured that they felt they could confide in me. As a result, both relationships have survived, even though BF still hasn't fallen pregnant Sad.

It's time for SIL to show some empathy and compassion. Yes, it's not all about the OP but it's not all about SIL either.

Good luck TTC OP.

chocablock · 20/11/2011 21:55

YABVVVVVVVVVU! You should be happy your SIL is pregnant. 7 months is not a long time, just stop worrying and you will probably be pregnant soon yourself. Good luck.

Jenski · 20/11/2011 21:58

7 months really isn't long. T'was 15 months for my DC1. Please don't feel bitter for others. Keep trying to conceive but don't make it hard work. The minute I stopped thinking about it, I was pregnant. Good luck :)

Kayano · 20/11/2011 22:00

Cinnebar a don't think the SIL has been unreasonable at all and if I was her I would feel upset and offended too.

Not
Saying op can't feel the way she feels, but she did turn it into one big negative that was about her and her apology was equally as bad!

I really can't see how SIL behaviour can be questioned. Was she just supposed to not tell her she was pregnant, or say 'oh I know its such an upsetting thing?'

Ffs no she must be pleased! (apparently they were ttc for 4 months so op only been trying for 3 months longer)

velvetvamp · 20/11/2011 22:01

You're being a brat. Someone has something you want and you throw your dummy out of the pram. You're embarrassing yourself. Keep out of their way and get on with your own life until you've calmed down. You are projecting your anger about not falling pregnant onto them and that's beyond unreasonable. Grow up.

wannaBe · 20/11/2011 22:05

I am going to be blunt here, but seven months does not equal having problems conceiving. Seven months equals well within the normal range for a fertil couple to conceive.

Really, ttc and not falling pregnant on the first attempt does not give one the right to be self indulgent and bitter towards anyone else who dares to be pregnant.

If someone is genuinely having problems conceiving (talking fertility tests/treatments here) then I have every sympathy. Although even then, sending the email would be well out of order.

But someone who has only been ttc for seven months really needs to get a grip.

And yes, I speak as someone who ttc for 13 months for my first child and for over four years (without success) for a second.

LapsedPacifist · 20/11/2011 22:08

Fuck me, I may be an old gimmer, but it my day we didn't get knocked up by going on diets, doing yoga Hmm or giving up alcohol (quite the opposite usually).

Have they changed the rules again?

velvetvamp · 20/11/2011 22:20

Agreed lapsedpacifist

OP the stress you're putting on yourself is hardly likely to help with conception. How does your OH feel about your recent behaviour?

skybluepearl · 20/11/2011 22:31

KIWI - I know it is hard but you have to be pleased for them. I say this as someone who had almost 4 years of infertility, trying very hard to concieve. Over the years I have seen many friends and family have babies, and yes i have cried many tears but deeply relieved that no one has infertility issues like me.

Can I suggest that if you hit a year of trying to concieve, you go to your GP and ask for a day 21 blood test. Google it for details. You can have regular periods/egg white mucus during ovulation and still not produce a mature enough egg. This is the sort of common problem that can be sorted very easily with a small tablet.

KittyAnne · 20/11/2011 22:49

LIED to? Really? What's it got to do with you?

Yellowstone · 20/11/2011 23:09

Why would anyone share the information that they were 'trying'? How bizarre.

My SIL was just like this when I found I was expecting my first and cried when I took the baby to see the in laws (despite the fact the baby had so nearly died), ran inside sobbing, left her father to explain that 'all she ever wanted was a baby', got piqued because we chose the name 'she had wanted for her baby'.

I've no idea if she'd been ttc for long - she'd been married 10 months and had a career.

AuntieDoris · 20/11/2011 23:16

... because sometimes when the gazillionth person has asked commented that "you don't have any children then" or say to you "oh would you like children?" saying you are TTC is so much easier to shut them up and end the conversation!

MayaAngelCool · 20/11/2011 23:28

OP, I do hope you get pregnant and are able to have the family you are dreaming of.

At the same time you'll need to prepare yourself for the possibility that that may not happen before your niece/ nephew is born. It will potentially cause a rift if you are holding onto anger under these circumstances. I speak from experience. You need to ask yourself "what could be the outcome of my behaving this way and is it worth it?"

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