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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be addressed as Mrs, and not Ms?

265 replies

MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 17:01

One of my DCs teachers always addresses me in writing as Ms. Kinsky.

I have the same surname as my DC, I wear a wedding ring, and often draghave DH with me, so I expect to be addressed as Mrs Kinsky, or even Mitzi (I am on first name terms with all the other staff at this school).

I find using Ms when you know someone is married a bit rude. I'm contemplating pointing out, nicely, that I'm a Mrs.

OP posts:
Original poster
MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 17:02

To want to be addressed as Mrs, and not Ms?

OP posts:
eurochick · 15/11/2011 17:03

Really? I'm hoping Ms becomes the normal way to address adult women regardless of marital status. Why should women be addressed in a way that marks out whether they are married or not when men are not?

I've been Ms since I was 15, both before and after marriage.

Bourbonchops · 15/11/2011 17:06

I suppose they have a hell of a lot of parents and a lot of different family set ups. It's possibly a standard letter they just add child's name etc to.

I would say YABU.
But YANBU to hate the term Ms. That grates on me too.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 15/11/2011 17:06

I doubt school can win. I am married, wear a ring and school know I am married and address stuff to me as Mrs Wynken. Personally I prefer to be Ms Wynken and do write that on stuff but they ignore it.

echt · 15/11/2011 17:08

Perhaps the school records show you as Ms? Next time she writes, ask her to call you Mrs, referring to the school records, getting them amended.

Using Ms is not rude. Using it, or any other title you've been asked not to, is.

BTW, I have the same name as DD, wear a wedding ring, am married, and often have DH with me but am Ms.

FredFredGeorge · 15/11/2011 17:09

Have they ever asked for your title? If not then YABU it's a perfectly reasonable choice of titles for them to use, if they have then and they're ignoring your choice then YANBU.

valiumredhead · 15/11/2011 17:09

The day when Ms becomes the norm will be a good day as far as I am concerned. I have been a Ms since I was 17 ( have been with my dh 21 years.) I have never understood why Mrs/Ms thing when men just have Mr.

msrisotto · 15/11/2011 17:10

I don't think using Mrs is rude, I am married but prefer to go by Ms.

However YANBU to let them know you prefer Mrs if that is the case.

BluddyMoFo · 15/11/2011 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZillionChocolate · 15/11/2011 17:12

I'm a ring wearing married Ms. I can't see that it really matters which title the school use for you.

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 17:13

YABU. It's of no consequence to them whether you're married or not, I should imagine they just address men as Mr and women as Ms, which is simplest, and I for one applaud it!

Kladdkaka · 15/11/2011 17:13

I'd happily accept either. Here in Sweden they don't use titles at all. First names all round and it really annoys me. How can you get a right royal strop on with the person at the tax office with this level of familiarity?

echt · 15/11/2011 17:17

First names in Australia, too.

I find it weird to phone a student's parent to complain about lack of homework, and call them by their first name. So I don't, nor do I invite them to call me by mine.

BluddyMoFo · 15/11/2011 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 17:18

Quite agree with BluddyMofo - and I think it only sounds wanky because it's a relative neologism and because some people associated with Bloody Feminists Burning Bras and being All Strident....

I always know someone is going to turn out to be a prick when they ring up and call me Mrs DPandTheKids'Name.

troisgarcons · 15/11/2011 17:21

YANBU to want to be addressed by your correct title. Laziness of institutions is not a cop out for poor manners.

I've never come across it before but one collegue will insist at parents evening addressing parents as 'Mum' and 'Dad - as in 'So, Dad, what do you think?' .... purely because she's too bone idle to look up whether the child and mother have the same surname and whether this is the boyfriend/stepfather dragged along for the outting. She also makes calls to parents and the receiving switchboard will get a classic message such as 'Ah this is blah blah school, is Marys mum at work today??' then wonders why no-one knows who the hell Marys mum is.

Pure laziness.

BluddyMoFo · 15/11/2011 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 17:24

Oh, I also dislike 'what does mum think', although I tend to see that as patronizing more than bone idle....

And it's not so much laziness as sensible policy - given that schools don't ask at enrolment whether a child's parents are married, why would they know? So it makes sense to use Ms on correspondence, surely.

I never understand why some women are so upset when the world doesn't acknowledge the fact they've officially bagged themselves a man!

indignantmoo · 15/11/2011 17:24

YANBU OP.
however, you will be shouted down by lots of people insisting you are opressed and have no idea of the negative, patriarchal undertones (blah blah blah) of using 'Mrs'. Grin Hmm

Personally, I think if it's important to you I would bring it up with the school.
You can bet the 'Ms' users would jump straight in and insist if the situation were reversed!

minipie · 15/11/2011 17:25

"I have the same surname as my DC, I wear a wedding ring, and often have DH with me, so I expect to be addressed as Mrs Kinsky, or even Mitzi (I am on first name terms with all the other staff at this school).

I find using Ms when you know someone is married a bit rude."

Mitzi I'm afraid this post rather sounds as if you think you are somehow better because you are married. And therefore they are somehow denigrating you by using a non-marital-status-specific title like Ms.

I think it's rude to call someone Ms if they've asked to be called Mrs. But it's not rude simply because they are married. There are plenty of married women who go by Ms (I'm another one).

joannita · 15/11/2011 17:26

YANBU

I don't think Ms is offensive per se but we should all get to choose our title. I kept my surname when I got married and it bugs me when I get Christmas cards which are addressed to Mr & Mrs then my husband's initial and surname. Just the surname is a reasonable mistake but the initial too is like wiping my identity completely. What century are we living in?!

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 17:26

You can bet the 'Ms' users would jump straight in and insist if the situation were reversed!

It usually is though, indignant! And I don't much care for it. But getting annoyed because someone assumes that because you have some children you must be Mrs and it must be their name, is a bit different (I think) from getting annoyed that you're not being addressed as a Married Lady! One is about frustration with societal assumptions, the other is narkiness that not everyone cares that you're married!

Hulababy · 15/11/2011 17:27

I personally prefer to be called Mrs, not Ms. I am not keen on the latter for myself.

TBH though I can't really remember ever being called Ms. If I introduce myself using my surname I say Mrs and then that is used in response ime.

indignantmoo · 15/11/2011 17:28

Nothing to do with what century we are living in, it's personal choice. Surely feminism is about having freedom to choose? Including how you wish to be addressed?
OP would like to be Mrs ...
Therefore she should be able to ask for that title.

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 17:29

I'm sure she is able to, and I'm sure she will do so - but that doesn't mean that the school were in the wrong to call her Ms in the first instance.