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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be addressed as Mrs, and not Ms?

265 replies

MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 17:01

One of my DCs teachers always addresses me in writing as Ms. Kinsky.

I have the same surname as my DC, I wear a wedding ring, and often draghave DH with me, so I expect to be addressed as Mrs Kinsky, or even Mitzi (I am on first name terms with all the other staff at this school).

I find using Ms when you know someone is married a bit rude. I'm contemplating pointing out, nicely, that I'm a Mrs.

OP posts:
ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 18:19

It's not a choice, though, it's forcing into a category masquerading as choice. If the choice was so important and so nice, don't you think men would want it too?

And yes I do think your 'choice' is less important: what you want is for the world to acknowledge and respect the fact that you are married. What people who favour 'Ms' want is for women not to have to be categorized according to whether they're married. You could always just tell people if you wanted to!

mamalovesmojitos · 15/11/2011 18:19

God, I couldn't give a fig what dd's teachers called me! Mum, miss, ms, first name, whatever they like.

indignantmoo · 15/11/2011 18:20

I have only ever come across this level of hatred for Mrs and Miss on MN.
Which is odd, because I know, work with, and socialise with people from all walks of life, yet they are distinctly unbothered by being called Miss or Mrs.

And I do live in the UK in 2011.

Anyway, my only point really is to each their own, and stop trying to force your beliefs on others.
In all my posts I have siad I dont like MS, but that others are welcome to use it. Stop trying to change what I would like to be called.

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 18:21

Andrew, yes I get your point - just slightly resistant to the idea that it is entirely within women's gift to make this happen if they want it to.

In terms of public sector using Ms though - no, school usually call me Mrs and my GP and hospital use Miss. I never get Ms from anywhere unless I've asked for it - or Dr!

minipie · 15/11/2011 18:22

"So call me by my name. Both names. If it is then relevant to ask for a title I will give it to you. Surely that is the most equal way to do things?"

Couldn't agree more indignant Smile. My gender is as irrelevant as my marital status. (Unless you are my doctor).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/11/2011 18:22

ElaineReese - are you saying I am less entitled to equality because I have chosen the title Mrs? I have made a decision you don't like, so you'd happily take away my choice? Some 'equality' that is!

Towndon · 15/11/2011 18:23

indignantmoo so would you suggest we don't give men a blanket name of Mr? What if they wish - as you suggest for women - to have a choice of declaring their marital status in their title?

Why should men be automatically given a title that doesn't denote marital status, but women be asked which title they prefer?

Funnily enough most men don't seem to mind not having this "choice" and don't want to dispute the default title of Mr, in preference to Master if they are unmarried...!

"Which is where blanketing everyone as Ms takes away that choice."

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 18:25

No, I am saying your desire to have your marital status acknowledged is less of an issue, because whilst I cannot choose not to be asked, you can choose to reply with 'Mrs'.

If Ms was universal, you could still tell everyone you encounter that you are married, if you liked. While Mrs and Miss are in the ascendancy, my desire for my marital status not to be an issue can never be achieved.

indignantmoo · 15/11/2011 18:25

Then they should have one. Would be interesting to see some suggestions.

You're all for choice and equality, make that happen then!

YourMother · 15/11/2011 18:26

Another married "Ms" here, although I did take my husband's last name. I don't see why my marital status should be the business of just anybody who fancies sending me a letter.

I think Ms. is the default now, certainly it is where I work. Otherwise I have to ask the woman's title and have them wonder why their marital status should be any of my business..

Rings and children's names don't confirm anything either way anymore.

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 18:27

Yeaah - if you like choice and equality, just change the world, why not?

Men don't want it - or at least, I've never heard a man complain that he was called 'Master', or that a teacher didn't address him as a married man. They seem to get along just fine with the blanket 'mr'. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 15/11/2011 18:28

Indignantmoo - 'inadequate'? 'Causes confusion'...?

Does Mr cause confusion? Is it inadequate?

Men have one generic title which does them from birth to death and doesn't cause any confusion, and certainly doesn't give any appearance of being inadequate. Grin

If you do not want a lecture on the historical implications of miss and mrs, then what are you doing on a thread debating that very topic?!

Ephiny · 15/11/2011 18:29

Well personally I prefer Ms for myself regardless of marital status. I'd tend to use it as the default as well, if I didn't know how someone wanted to be addressed - though I'd happily switch to Ms or Mrs if I knew they preferred that.

The school is probably just using Ms as the default/neutral option so they don't have to keep track of who uses which title! I agree with indignant though that they could get around it by just using names (this would be fine with me) - but then I guess some people would be offended by the assumption that they were on first-name terms! You can't win sometimes!

You could say something to the teacher if it really offends you, but is it really worth making a fuss about? People have often referred to me/addressed stuff as Mrs DP, which is about as wrong as they can get, but unless it actually matters (e.g. they're writing a cheque or something!) I tend to just let it go.

Ephiny · 15/11/2011 18:30

(sorry, obviously I mean I'd switch to Miss or Mrs!)

eurochick · 15/11/2011 18:31

Even the French* are more advanced than us here - Madamoiselle is used for girls and and Madam for adult women. It was a bit disconcerting to go from M'elle to Madam at around the age of 20 but I certainly prefer it to a title that is all about marital status.

*This is meant just a little tongue in cheek. They are after all a nation not famous for the equal treatment of men and women!

Bunbaker · 15/11/2011 18:32

I couldn't care less how I'm addressed, as long as it isn't rude.

For the record I have been a Mrs for over 30 years.

Sevenfold · 15/11/2011 18:34

yanbu op and you should cross it out in red and correct it and send it back to her.
I am Mrs and would be annoyed to be adressed as anything else

Esta3GG · 15/11/2011 18:35

In Italy it was quite a turning point to go from being a signorina to a signora -but it had everything to do with age and nothing to do with marital status.

I'm not keen on Mrs but I hated Miss - Miss always sounds so bloody drippy.

I never fill in my marital status on application forms etc - I really fail to see what it has to do with anything.

smallwhitecat · 15/11/2011 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 15/11/2011 18:36

I feel that unless a woman has stated a preference for another title Ms should be used by default as Mr is for men. I would be glad to see the back of Miss and Mrs entirely. I know many married women in real life who will not use Mrs.

I do not tend to correct individuals who mistakenly call me Mrs (or Miss) as it is not that big a deal, but I hope that gradually the balance will tip so that it no longer happens. In this case the OP is entitled to ask for the title she chooses if that's what she wants and hopefully the teacher will remember that. However if the school policy is to use Ms as default, it might be difficult to remember which individuals have requested something different, wouldn't be top of my priority list as a teacher.

gabid · 15/11/2011 18:36

I hate it when they ask for a title - I feel as if I am asked a personal question (are you single, married or divorced?), and I keep changing it as I feel. On occasion I said: You choose!

I think it would be appropriate to have one title for an adult women in this day and age.

Mominatrix · 15/11/2011 18:37

Luckily I can avoid being called either as I prefer Dr. - gender neutral and no indication of married state implied.

minipie · 15/11/2011 18:39

smallwhitecat well really the least sexist option as indignant has said is for no titles to be used at all. So that neither gender nor marital status are indicated.

OryxCrake · 15/11/2011 18:41

If you've asked to be called Mrs, then you are not being unreasonable to want them to call you that.

However, I agree with those who say that Ms should be the default, just as Mr is for men.

Personally, I prefer Ms. I've been a Ms all my adult life, when I wasn't married and now that I am. I don't think it's anyone else's business whether I'm married or not, unless it's relevant for them to know.

Some interesting posts upthread about surnames. We weren't married when we had our children and we decided to give them my surname with their dad's name as a middle name. Nobody changed their names when we got married, including me.

ISawPINOTSnoggingSantaClaus · 15/11/2011 18:44

YANBU, I don't like being called Ms. I'm still chuffed to bits to be Mrs . I am a soppy tart

It's a personal choice though. And anyone who tells me otherwise can fuck the fuck off