to think this is unfair by the nursery and to feel hard done by?

[choceyes]

Well I know I probably am being unreasonable so this is more of moan that anythign I guess.

My work nursery that both my DCs go to has about 3/4 staff training days a year. Last year whilst I was on maternitly leave with DD, I sent DS 2 days a week thur and Fri. The inset days always fell on a friday, so I lost about 3 (i think)of them (also the extra bank holiday on kate and wills wedding day fell on a friday too). I thought well fair enough, they have to do the inset days sometimes and friday is their quitest day, so it will inconvinience the least amount of parents.
I am back at work now and DCs go Mon-Wed, as I work on those days.
I was asking about christmas closure and they told me that they have an inset day on Tuesday Jan 3!

Luckily my DH is a teacher and doesn't have to go back till the 5th so can look atfter them both. BUT, why should he have to? Yet again I'm paying good money for TWO DCs to lose out on a nursery day, and a resting day for DH that he really really needs. He has a very stressful job as a teacher, comes home and does household chores till about 9 and never a break in the weekend as we have 2 small DCs and he deserves the 2 days of rest he thought he was going to have.

We don't have any other type of childcare as both sets of parents live miles away so we are either at work or with the children who are 3yrs and 14 months, and very hard work.

As I said I know nurseyr is not doing this to spite me and theres nothing I can do about it, but nevertheless AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Shit stirring and pins a badge post, same thing right?

Looking after yourself is not the same as having weeks off at Christmas and still needing a rest day, which has to be without children.

I think the point was that weeks off at Christmas weren't perceived as being much of a break for this family, who are clearly mainly sleep-deprived.

I don't know, rest days.. I've had one or two in pregnancy, they are great things. Sometimes they are necessary for people, I do believe.

I do think, OP, you are selling your dh as superman when he is just doing what a lot of responsible parents do e.g. staying off because you need to work, coming back from squash because a dc is ill. There are really no dads I know in my circle of friends who wouldn't do these things, it's not a superpower.

"I am a parent, spending time with my children is never 'suffering', I'm sorry you find yours such a chore. And three years in finding a day off spent with children a sufferance is beyond the pale. Most people would be looking forward to it."

Glad you don't find it suffering, but when they are both crying together and having to decide who to tend to first, trying to get to work on time while DS is running around refusing to cooperate and when he hits his sister and I have to console her, coping with all the nightwakings and all the illnesses they get expecially around this time of year - it is not enjoyable- and in times like this I do suffer actually. I readily admit that - it is suffering.

but I love my children and I love being with them most of the time, even though it's hard work. That's why I said that I don't "let" DH looks after them both together. Wrong choice of word there I think. I just want to spend time with them, even if I am tired and I really should be taking a step back and have a break. Even my DH complains sometimes that I never let him have the kids to himself....and this is something I will be doing in the future.

2I'm sorry but if a working parent looks forward to a day off without his children when they're 14 months and 3 years I'd be worried."

Is it the staying at home to have a rest that you'd be worried about ? What about parents that go on holiday without their kids leaving them with family? Do you judge them the same?Why don't these parents take the children with them? Do they need a break from them? Do you ask them these question?
For the record we've never had a night away from our children, and wouldn't consider it till they are much older.
Although DS who is 3 has spend an occasional night at my in-laws when I've been down to see my parents, as they all live close.

Laquitar - I appreciate that lots of families have it much harder than us. We both have good jobs, flexible and child friendly and that's worth a lot. Both children are in good health. We have lots to be thankful about I agree.

Wideawakenurse- thank you for all your suggestions.

We have come to an exciting arrangement! DH's brother has moved up for Uni and lives close to us. We are buying him a phone contract in exchange for him to babysit our DS one night a week so we can go out for a drink together. We can't leave DD though as she is prone to waking up at least once in the evening and it would be unfair on him to have to look after 2. So we are taking her sleeping in the pram out with us and going to a local restaurant!

"I do think, OP, you are selling your dh as superman when he is just doing what a lot of responsible parents do e.g. staying off because you need to work, coming back from squash because a dc is ill. There are really no dads I know in my circle of friends who wouldn't do these things, it's not a superpower."

Maybe so but judging by a lot of posts on here about DH's my DH is a saint. Also my friends with children, their DH's don't do half as much work as mine does. The other day a friend of telling me that her DH has gone away with the lads for a weekend and she is lookding after her 2 DSs who are 3 and 5 alone all weekend. my DH woulnd't dream of doing that. He used to cycle every Sun morning with a club but hasn't done since DD came along, even though a lot of his club mates have kids and still going out on a Sun morning. DH would rather do things with us. So from my own expreience , in comparison to other DH's my DH is pretty above averge in term sof childcare and houswork.

And I am just saying that DH is a responsible parents, not saying he is superman. A few posters have suggested that he doesn't like being with his children and he is not pulling his weight - I was merely addressing that.

That sounds like a good plan but I'm sure he could cope with two. It's only one night a week and he is their uncle!

I think the responses that you are getting re wanting a break are a bit strange. Plenty of people have weekends away whilst the kids stay at their grandparents. I only have one DS and I sometimes need a break! My partner and I tend to take it in turns and we both go out about once a week, we also take it in turns to have a lie in till 10am on the weekend. We have both also managed to have a couple of weekends away. Could you plan a weekend away with a girlfriend?

It makes me quite sad that your post is suggesting a father who has a weekend away with his friends is somehow lacking as a father. Assuming (and I accept that for some it's a big assumption) that she has the opportunity to do things with her friends too, it doesn't make him any less of a father to do something other than full-time childcare - in fact I'd say it's a good thing.

"The other day a friend of telling me that her DH has gone away with the lads for a weekend and she is lookding after her 2 DSs who are 3 and 5 alone all weekend. my DH woulnd't dream of doing that."

I don't see anything wrong with this at all, as long as she also gets the chance to have a weekend away. My partner and I both feel it's important for us to have time away from the pressures of family life to just relax and have fun. DS (9 months) cries hysterically if we leave him with anyone else so we haven't spent time away from him together but when he becomes more happy to be left we will also try to have nights out together.

A break is a good thing, outside hobbies and interests are a great thing, moaning about a parent needing a 'rest day' at 31 years old, on a two week holiday from work, and it bothering you to such an extent that you wish they were at nursery for that day is the weird thing, for me.

Many parents don't have weekends, nights or rest days when they have children.... it's not unusual.

I am going to be blunt now and say that, the reason why a three year old doesn't sleep through the night is because the parents facilitate it.

"oh my child doesn' sleep through andI have to rock/sing to/bf him/her to sleep/spend the night in his/her bed..." no. You don't have to do these things - you choose to do them, but there are alternatives. If you choose not to let your child cry for a couple of nights then you can't claim marter status when your child won't self settle.

And at three he is plenty old enough to be told to get back into bed and that it's night time now. The term "making a rod for your own back" was never truer here.

And you can't tidy with ds because "he won't help and then it takes longer," do these children have any boundaries at all? I suspect not.

I think if you just set some boundaries, introduced some discipline and a sleep routine then perhaps you would become a little less resentful of your children's existance. Because actually I think you sound totally resentful of them in the way you talk of needing a break etc...

wannaBe I think it depends on the child. Some children are just pushing their luck and need an adult to be firm and consistent. I do think though that some children do have a genuine reason for wanting an adult to stay with them whilst they fall asleep . I was genuinely terrified of falling asleep as a child and if left alone would become incredibly anxious. I don't think I grew out of it until I was about 8.

You know, it sounds to me as though you're trying too hard. No-ones's handing out any medals for it, either. You really do need to cut some corners. Your kids will survive, I promise. In fact, more than that, they'll benefit because you and your DH will be the better for it.

And does he really have to cycle 10 miles to work - and back? Is there no other option there?

Young children aren't wired up to sleeping alone. it is biologically normal for them to want to have someone with them. it's only in modern society that it is considered normal for young children to sleep alone. In my culture (I am not English) young children sleep with their parents till about school age.

I am not resentful of my children. Are you those that go away for a weekend or a weeks break, resentful of their children? Are those that leave their kids with their GPs and go out for a meal or go for an afternoon resentful of thir children?
I want them in nursery for that extra day, so we or DH himself can do this kind of thing. BECAUSE WE HAVE NO OTHER CHILDCARE!!

Yes he does need to cycle there and back as it is the quickest way and also keeps him fit and saves us a shed load of money.

My friend who's DH went for a weekend away has NEVER had any time of her own. She said the only time was when she went to watch a film when her oldest was about 6 months old. So 5.5yrs ago.

If it means so much to you book an extra day for them in nursery. I am sure enough parents will be keeping children off for the festive period it wont be hard to get them in

I feel for you OP - my DCs are exactly the same age and combination (!) and my DH is a teacher also. I can't stress strongly enough that you both need to have time away from the family for yourselves in order to maintain your sense of self.

We have no family nearby either and no reliable babysitter as of yet, but I plan to ask our neighbours when the time comes.

It can feel like a massive uphill struggle, but you need to cut yourself some slack and not feel guilty about cutting corners here and there.

My two sleep reliably through, but we've had to work hard to get there and stay firm. In all honesty, the nights when we've caved and DS has ended up in with us, he has been a terror the following day. When we present a united front and return him to bed, he has a better night's sleep, as do we, and everyone is happier for it.

Well then, you need to make a choice. You don't want your children to sleep alone, or "allow" your DH to look after them alone, watch more than half an hour of TV in emergencies or let "strangers" look after them. I'm afraid the flip side of that is what you're experiencing.

sirzy - we don't really care about the nursery day anymore. We felt annoyed when we first heard of it and the day I started this thread but, since then we've not even mentioned it. So it's really not a big deal.

Yes Clam we, or me really, has to let go a bit, I get that now.

Redlama - DS does sleep on his own now. DH used to go and sleep with him in his toddler bed, but recently DS has been sleeping better so DH has hardly had to do that. I don't know what to do about DD though, she used to sleep better, but recently has been catching a few bugs and colds and coughs, probably through nursery, so may have been unsettling her.

DD has also been coughing/teething recently and waking up grizzling - we always leave her for a few mintues before going to her as she often re-settles (obviously is not so easy to do if you're co-sleeping). She's also been night-weaned since 8ms, but did this on her own accord. She is going through a phase of waking at 5 which DS also did. It's a killer, but we try and take the approach that it's just a phase and take it in turns to go to her.

Sorry I'm sure this has been said but I don't think that retching with exaustion is conducive to happy parenting. Children are much more resilient than modern paenting manuals would have anyone think, and being looked after by a close family member really does them no harm. I know what it is like to have a DC who needs reassurance at bedtime, and wakes in the night, as do many parents, but letting it turn normal family life into something that exhausts you both is no good.

pumpkinbones - you are absolutely right. that is why we are being firmer with DS now. and broken sleep is not good for him or us. In my culture it might be normal to co-sleep till much later, but it is also normal for extended families to live together, so there are always family members to take up the slack and look after the DCs during the day when you are too tired. Children are almost never brought up just by their parents.

redlama - My DD is a boobie monster who didn't even eat solids harldy at all till she went to nursery at 12 months, so even now she eats small amounts, but much more than before. so she still needs her nightly milk. Its not a problem for me as we co-sleep, I just roll over and feed her and go back to sleep. but recently she has been ill over the past 2/3 weeks and waking up lots more than usual.

Sorry choceyes but your home sounds just a tad chaotic for everyone. I think that maybe it would help if you take some of the advice already given and start to ipmose some boundaries.

Children NEED boundaries in order to feel safe and secure and sometomes, by tring not to impose boundaries, for the right reasons, can actually unsettle them and result in lots of unwanted behaviours as they seek out situations for adults to take control.

Good luck an dhope it all works out.

Before coming on a public forum complaining about the nursery closing, I'd have been on the phone to the manager or checking through your t&c with the nursery re inset days. Have you checked ths with them yet? I've not read all of the post, sorry if I've waded in.

Your older child need to learn to be a bit more independent from you at home. Does he amuse himself playing games on his own? Perhaps you could interest him in some activities he can do himself without you having to be totally involved. That way you can step back a bit and take a breather. He sounds a bit mico-manager tbh. Might the nursery tell you what things he really enjoys there which he could get up to at home? Once your DD gets a bit bigger she could learn this herself that being more independent can be just as fun as clinging onto parents.

Good luck, I'd say take the plunge with managing your family setup, take a few steps back and you might just see the rewards quite quickly.

Fnally, does your ds have friends from nursery who live near you? Could you arrange a time for them to play together at weekends?

Totally agree with Wannabe. You've made your bed OP. Plus I wonder what culture you come from that co sleeps but uses nursery even in holiday time.

My three year old, my youngest of four, tidies up and packs away before he is allowed to play with the next thing.

And again, not many people in 2011 have family support, it's pretty normal to live miles away from family.

OP... I've read your first few posts and got no further yet. It sounds as if the work/childcare is the tip of the iceberg. You and your DH sound quite exhausted already and the childcare isn't even 'respite' for you as such because you're at work anyway.

You say that your DH comes home and does housework until 9pm. To be honest, if you're doing the same thing I think there's something wrong with your setup at home. What housework do you have to do exactly? Is there something that you can modify so that it's not so intensive? I'm thinking - weekend batch cooking for the freezer so that you have homemade microwave meals ready to go. Ditto sandwiches for lunch whilst at work, kids' lunches if needed also. Could you afford a cleaner/homehelp for a bit? Just to get you straight again?

There was another poster here earlier in the week who was looking for help to include a bit of childcare and a bit of housework, like a 'mothers' help'. Is that feasiable for you?

I really think that your DCs need to get into a sleeping routine and that's an absolute priority. Neither you nor your husband can function without sleep and once a routine is established, you can stick to it.

You have my sympathies, OP. I'm going back to read the rest of the posts now. You really do sound at the end of your tether. :(

Your baby shopuld be having a full diet, no wonder she can't sleep, she's hungry.