to think this is unfair by the nursery and to feel hard done by?

[choceyes]

Well I know I probably am being unreasonable so this is more of moan that anythign I guess.

My work nursery that both my DCs go to has about 3/4 staff training days a year. Last year whilst I was on maternitly leave with DD, I sent DS 2 days a week thur and Fri. The inset days always fell on a friday, so I lost about 3 (i think)of them (also the extra bank holiday on kate and wills wedding day fell on a friday too). I thought well fair enough, they have to do the inset days sometimes and friday is their quitest day, so it will inconvinience the least amount of parents.
I am back at work now and DCs go Mon-Wed, as I work on those days.
I was asking about christmas closure and they told me that they have an inset day on Tuesday Jan 3!

Luckily my DH is a teacher and doesn't have to go back till the 5th so can look atfter them both. BUT, why should he have to? Yet again I'm paying good money for TWO DCs to lose out on a nursery day, and a resting day for DH that he really really needs. He has a very stressful job as a teacher, comes home and does household chores till about 9 and never a break in the weekend as we have 2 small DCs and he deserves the 2 days of rest he thought he was going to have.

We don't have any other type of childcare as both sets of parents live miles away so we are either at work or with the children who are 3yrs and 14 months, and very hard work.

As I said I know nurseyr is not doing this to spite me and theres nothing I can do about it, but nevertheless AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

thank you for that sticky fingers, I really do hope it gets easier. Parenting is the hardest thing ever and when youhave no family help it really is all consuming. I really envy those who can have the odd weeekend away or night away just as a couple. For us, we went from having all the free time in the world to do what we like, to never having a moment to breathe. It is a hard adjusment. My DH finds it particularly hard i think as he is younger than me (he is 31) and feels that he had children too young in life as none of his friends have children yet. So he doesnt' understand or have any exprience of what it is like to have small children.

woodlands - that sounds amazing!! I doubt if my nursery will do that. They have let me have the odd hour extra here and there but I doubt they'd stretch to a whole day.

We have an 18 month gap between our 2 and when they were pre school i worked 4 days per week and DH worked away all week, we ahd no family nearby. It was hell adn it was like coming out of a dark tunnel when the yuongest started school.
But the key is sleep, forget this crap about feelign abck about controlled cryng etc. Yuo are not doing teh kids any favours by keeping them awake like this. You will have a few nights of hell wiht crying but it shuold then resolve. You are being martyrs!

31 is not 'too young' to have children . Your dh needs reality check imo.

And many parents don't have family, you are not alone.

Sadly no day in the week is going to suit all parents. Sounds like they are fitting them around weekends / bank holidays to make it as less intrusive as possible.

OP, YANBU that you are paying for nursery days that you can't use. If this has been going on for a while why don't you source alternative childcare? I don't know if our nursery has inset days as such because they have never cropped up - they are in nursery Monday, Thursday and Friday and have been for two and half years. We pay for bank holidays that we can't use, but that doesn't matter as OH has them off (I don't even though I work in a bank so logically should!)

With regards to your husband 'retching' in the mornings as he is so tired - does this not say to you that maybe you should look into alternative methods of getting your children to sleep? I know that if my two 2,9 year olds (and now a newborn, but am on mat leave) were keeping me up so much I literally had no time to do anything else and was ill because of it I would seek help about it. I agree with another poster that it's all very well putting the children first, but sometimes you need to take a step back and realise it is doing you no good. Stop slinging your DD, and can you maybe try and express? I know you said she won't take a bottle at nursery but maybe she will at home? Also, does this mean she doesn't have a drink all day at nursery?

Also, FWIW, until recently both OH and I were working and although he has family nearby they are useless and have never helped. My family live 200 miles away. We have had the odd night out - we asked in nursery, one of the girls was happy to babysit while we went out for a meal. Could you ask them?

I am also a bit about your dh feeling 'too young'. 31!! What does he consider is an appropriate age? If you had said he was 25 or 26, perhaps, or even if he lived a lifestyle terribly incompatible with family life e.g. one of London's young(ish) elite. He is a teacher.

Lots of people who have family close by don't receive a lot of support. I know isolated cases of grandparents who are terribly involved in their children's and grandchildren's lives but it is by no means the norm among the people I know. When you become a parent, you are an adult, particularly in your late 20's, 30's. We don't even particularly have friends who understand our lifestyle, many of mine are childless or gay so wouldn't even be able to take ds for a few hours if necessary, but it is not as big a deal as you are making it out to be. This will pass and you need to learn how to cope and realise your blessings rather than feeling so upset at the stress and pressure of it. A lot of that is to do with expectations. It sounds like you expected parenthood to be somehow different? Did you think you would have more frequent breaks?

From what you have said, I think that the nursery INSET day isn't really the issue, it's just the final straw.

The real issue is that you and your DH are finding life with 2 young kids pretty tough, especially because you're both working hard, have no local support from family and the DCs are not good at sleeping. It also sounds as though it's really important to you to be good parents, you're doing what you feel is right for the DCS, but in the process you are getting worn out yourselves.

Try to focus on improving one thing at a time, starting with sleep- take some advice from the sleep section on here and try to address your 3 year-old's sleep first.

Then try to get on top of the housework- prioritise what really needs doing, and if it's not essential give yourselves a break- it sounds like you need a bit of rest and 'me/us time' more than a show home right now!

Try to find ways of giving each other a break (much easier if you can get a better night's sleep). For instance, I try to make sure that I take my DDs out for a morning or afternoon over the weekend so that my DH can either get some jobs done at home, or just have some time to himself.

This thread has been an eye opener and has convinced me that I need to do something with regards to my DS's sleep. He has a nasty cough at the moment and he keeps coughing at night and maybe that wakes him up - although there is always something to make him not sleep through the night.

My DD used to be a good sleeper (in my standards anyway) that she only woke up once or twice at night. But recently, I think maybe after she started walking and started nursery both which happened around the same time, she has been walking up loads. She drinks water from a cup at nursery but not milk. She she is missing out on day feeds on 3 days of the week. When she wakes up at night I don't know whether she is hungry or is it something else?

In response to somebody who asked what our expectations of being parents where is that we just didn't know much work is involved, and how stressful it can get. We didnt' know anybody with children and our parents didn't tell us the reality. How could we know?
Our DD was unplanned and we didn't really want a second child, and even though I love my DD to bits and never regret having her, I do feel that her being born as turned our world upside down. We were fine before that.

My DH feels he is too young to have kids because he had DS when he was 28 and even now none of his friends have children. Only a couple are starting to get married now. Whereever we go we see fathers who are in their late 30s. All my NCT mates spouses are older than DH (bar one actually). Maybe it is the places we go, crowds we hang out with, but we hardly ever come across a father younger than 30 , although I know they exist!
His own father had him at 28, and he now sees that his father did nothing with his life, has no hobbies, etc so he maybe feels worried he will end up like that.

To answer your original question, YANBU to be annoyed that your DCs cant go to nursery due to a training day but are still being charged for it. we are lucky that if our nursery closes for a day of their choosing (for training, xmas etc) that we are not charged.

however as for your other point - you are not alone. we have my family nearby, DS is now 4 and i think i may have had a meal out with my husband (alone) twice in his little life. we havent even attempted to go out since DD came along last year. we also both work, he also works weekends sometimes and its bloody hard work juggling everything and everybody - there is never time for a break / rest and like you neither of our two sleep well (one is up at 5am every day, we cosleep with youngest).

we too would love a break, or the chance to have a conversation or to be alone for more than 5 minutes a week but thats life. we were together nearly 10 yrs before we chose to have our children and yep its harder than we thought sometimes but thats what we wanted. we have just accepted that for the next few years at least our life is about the kids, not us. there will be plenty of time for that once they've left home .

I don't agree shelley.. I think that was how I thought too, I thought you had to put kids ahead of your relationship etc, that it was the right thing to do. My mother certainly peddles this line, somewhere in between "you had your fun" and "you can have fun later" but then, her marriage didn't survive the kiddy years, so she is not a good role model in that regard.

I need reforming still, haven't been on a night/weekend away and don't imagine I will be anytime soon, but I do think if you have any available money, it is important to make time for eachother as a couple. You can get worn down so easily and these years will never come back, yoiu need a relationship when they are no longer there. That needs tending now.

When I was at university, I didn't make the most of some of the available social opportunities because I had "work" to do or it was a "waste of money". Then when I started work, I had to "put my head down" to establish my career. Then when it was a bit more established, I had further study to contend with, so we couldn't go away on as many weekends as our friends etc. We needed to buy a house. We needed to do that house up. Don't get me wrong, we did some nice things and I was no social hermit, but there were still far too many things I said no to because there was some good moral reason that I should be working harder, saving more etc.

My father's university tutor told him that you should always make space for a pint and a chat with your friends, because if you can't do it when you have exams, you will never do it. Life rushes on past you and in our 30's we are adults, yes, but still young. These days won't come back. It won't be like it is for early-20 somethings, no, but it doesn't need to be about battoning down the hatches until the war is over. You can go to the ball, Cinderella.

OP, start to write down three GREAT things about your life everyday. Work on changing your attitude. I know you are worn down, I have been there, but embrace the beauty of it all, it will all go by so soon. Find a way of enjoying what you have if you can, at all, and being grateful for the good. There will always be hard work and adult life, in general, is relentless.. but you can choose to be positive and upbeat about it and loving what you get from it or focusing on the shoulda coulda woulda's. All those people who don't have kids til they are 37-40 will probably still have them living in their homes when they are 60 and not be grandparents until they are 70 or 80 if they make that far. There are good things too..

ah yes, well unfortunately we have little / no spare money for us - everything goes on running the house, and the kids. and im about to be out of a job in the new year.
we have spoken about it and neither of us will consider leaving the kids for a weekend away partly because i am a control freak we wouldnt want to leave them, and partly becuase we would rather use that money to go away as a family. i completely understand what youre saying about looking after you as a couple, and admit that we prob dont give each other as much time as we should, or could do if our children slept better! so i do hope that we will still have a relationship once the kids grow up...

Your DH sounds like a precious arse.

I know that's not helpful, and I apologise, but there are people who work a lot longer hours in more stressful jobs.

Parents don't get "rest". You are at work, or with the kids. You might get a few days a year when you ship them off to the grandparents so you can have sex, but it is unreasonable to expect the DCs father not to, y'know, father them.

The nursery are probably doing most people a favour by being shut when most people are at home anyway.

"Your DH sounds like a precious arse."

Yes I do tell him that myslef sometimes.I tell him to get over it and get a grip. He's got children now so it's not like he can go back in time. Dont' get me wrong, he is a great father, always puts them first and does his fair share of childcare and he sees the children much more than a lot of people I know.

My problem is that I can never let go. I have to be with the children all the time even at the weekend, and I don't let my DH look after the kids on his own, even when he suggests I take a break.
i will take on board the suggestions that we should let the other one have a break once in a while.

Although I do go to my parents once every 2 months, and DH then gets a whole weekend and a couple of weeknight all to himself then, so it's not entirely true that he never gets a break.

Why not aim for one morning "off" a month each to start with? Even if you just go and get your hair done, or one of you takes them out so the other can slob infront of the tv?

choceyes, can I just say you're being awfully decent about all the advice you've had.

OPs on AIBU are not normally so amenable, I salute you.

Does your DD travel backwards in the pram? DS didn't like travelling backwards either in the pram or carseat when tiny, but was fine as soon as he faced forwards. I used a sling a lot to start with for the same reason as you.

Agree with those that have said you shouldn't be paying for childcare that is unavailable for you to use - surely the costs of training should come out of the general funds over the whole week rather than the purses of those whose children usually attend on the days scheduled for training?

You both really do need to start making your own health more of a priority - it is all very well putting your children first all the time, but if you both end up ill, then who will look after them?

My problem is that I can never let go. I have to be with the children all the time even at the weekend, and I don't let my DH look after the kids on his own, even when he suggests I take a break.

Can I ask why? This is your childs own parent - and you dont "let" him look after his own chidlren alone? Whats it all about!!

We have a very poor sleeper, and couldn't even contemplate a second pregnancy and babyhood, so I can definitely see where you're coming from.

We did try controlled crying in the end, although a lot of our approach is more towards the attachment end of the spectrum (still bfing at 2.9mo and DH and I split childcare so that DS has always been with one of us until he just started a couple of mornings at nursery last month).

To be honest, CC didn't solve all or even many of our problems. As you say, any little bug seems to set you back to square one again, and we hadn't the heart to do it unless we were absolutely certain that there was nothing wrong.

But I did find the book about it was one of the more compassionate sleep books I read (both to child and parent). Bear in mind that I did want to do bodily harm to Mrs Pantley though, as I found her unbearably smug. So you may not be on the same wavelength as me .

Getting to the heart of it though, how attachment parent is your approach if the thought of one extra day with your children is a major crisis? I would humbly suggest that you've lost sight of the bigger picture somewhere. Children are pretty sensitive to picking up when your hearts aren't it it, ime.

Scobe is right, you are taking this well.

Sorry to stoop to personal attacks, but you need to tell your DH to "man up". Our fathers never whinged about "me time " did they? They might have built a shed to hide in.

I understand your shock at parenthood. I didn't know any babies growing up, and didn't take too well to it. The fact it can be so boring is what got me. It's not exactly stimulating, is it.

To quote everyone's Granny; "Count your blessings."

I'm not readin the thread or OP I just want to compliment uterusuterusghali on your name

What's emerging here is that YOU never get a break- as you say, your DH gets a weekend off and some weeknights every couple months when you take the kids to your parents.

It can be very hard to detach and let go but definitely do it. It gets easier after the first time, after you realise that everyone will survive. You'll be a better mum for having had a decent break and DH will be a better dad for having taken some responsibility.

And yes, check the nursery contract.

Good luck!

There have been loads of suggestions already, so I won't reiterate them. I just wanted to say that you are by no means alone.

We have a 3.5 yo and 18 month old. It's been incredibly tough lately and I've been getting more and more run down, just like you and your DH sound like you have. There are things I can't compromise on (CC/CIO being one of them), but I have had to compromise on others. I was just getting sick all the time. I just gave up on all but the essentials for a week and went to bed at 7 each day! Not ideal or sustainable in the long term, but it did give me some recuperation time.

Good luck, take the good advice here and I hope things improve soon.

choceyes, I just want to briefly refer to your comment to me at 11:05:10. Having raised three children single handedly after H left me when i was pregnant with the third, I am well aware of how tough raising children is, thanks.