to think this is unfair by the nursery and to feel hard done by?

[choceyes]

Well I know I probably am being unreasonable so this is more of moan that anythign I guess.

My work nursery that both my DCs go to has about 3/4 staff training days a year. Last year whilst I was on maternitly leave with DD, I sent DS 2 days a week thur and Fri. The inset days always fell on a friday, so I lost about 3 (i think)of them (also the extra bank holiday on kate and wills wedding day fell on a friday too). I thought well fair enough, they have to do the inset days sometimes and friday is their quitest day, so it will inconvinience the least amount of parents.
I am back at work now and DCs go Mon-Wed, as I work on those days.
I was asking about christmas closure and they told me that they have an inset day on Tuesday Jan 3!

Luckily my DH is a teacher and doesn't have to go back till the 5th so can look atfter them both. BUT, why should he have to? Yet again I'm paying good money for TWO DCs to lose out on a nursery day, and a resting day for DH that he really really needs. He has a very stressful job as a teacher, comes home and does household chores till about 9 and never a break in the weekend as we have 2 small DCs and he deserves the 2 days of rest he thought he was going to have.

We don't have any other type of childcare as both sets of parents live miles away so we are either at work or with the children who are 3yrs and 14 months, and very hard work.

As I said I know nurseyr is not doing this to spite me and theres nothing I can do about it, but nevertheless AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Have you checked nursery are actually charging you for inset days? It sounds a silly question but they may actually calculate your monthly payment by taking total cost of childcare days you receive and dividing by 12.

If they are charging you for childcare you are not receiving then you'd be stupid not to take it up with them. At least ask why the cost of training is not split equally between all the nursery attendees. You have no chance of getting back what you've paid in error. Also it's a bit odd you didn't query this before your dc started nursery. Most nurseries operate a policy whereby if they are open on the day you are contracted for, you pay.

YANBU, everyone deserves a whinge

On the nursery thing, DH and I were quite taken aback by aspects of the charges for DS's nursery (e.g. you pay even if they're not open due to bad weather, which we thought was a bit much, but not a deal breaker for us).

The cost of training and paid holidays for the nursery staff needs to be covered by the clients somehow. I think ZenNudist makes an interesting point that you could reasonably expect the nursery to attempt to distribute those costs evenly over the clients. But that's probably easier said than done. Presumably the nurseries which do the training on Saturdays will have factored the extra costs into the charges they make to clients.

so rather than your husband spend quailty time with his kids whilst off you would put them in nursery cos he needs a rest?

Ahhhh didums.

Sometimes parenting has to take priority over a rest. Besides isn't he off more than one day?

As someone who has walked and is still walking in your shoes, you have to get some sleep! You both sound just utterly utterly sleep deprived.

As a single parent of DD5 and DS3, with no help, I totally sympathise with how hideous it can feel with no rest or break, but if you keep on at this pace, you risk either cracking up, starting to get irrationally angry and resentful at your DH and/or kids, or getting so run down that you will pick up every bug going and get really sick. I've been in all three places and it's horrible, but can always be traced directly back to how little sleep I happen to be getting. In short, if I have enough sleep, i can cope with anything. If I don't, I feel like the world is falling apart.

1. Dull as it is, try going to bed really early for 3 nights in a row (I'm talking by 8pm) just to allow your body to catch up and for you to remind yourself how much better things feel when you are functioning properly.

1. For goodness sake, take it in turns to lie in - your husband can keep the kids at bay for a couple of hours, and you need to switch off the guilt button - they'll survive without you!

1. Ignore all the criticism about needing a rest day - having kids is such a culture shock that no-one knows how they will react to it, or how they will feel until they actually have them. It's okay to want a day off, so don't feel guilty - can you arrange to put them in nursery for your arranged days over Christmas, and you take some A/L then you and DH both get a break? Trust me, if you don't stop and take care of yourself now, you will end up a worse parent not a better one - you will be completely unable to give your kids what they need, because you'll be a gibbering, sleep deprived wreck in the corner!

1. If you can get a copy, read Great parenting book

Not all of it's relevant, but it addresses the fact that there are times when parenting can be horrible and hard and that as parents, it's okay to not 'love' it all the time. It just sounds like you are maybe a bit conflicted about your expectations of parenting, vs your love for your children, vs the reality of how hard you are finding it. This book gives you permission to feel bad about it!

And there we have it, a selfish husband at the bottom of the pile. You said rest day, rest for your DH not fix the house day. And if he has weekends off I think he should do house stuff then....or he should grow the Fuck up.

OP - I think you and your DH are getting a hard time because this is in AIBU. Please don't take the criticism to heart, as you're having a bad enough time already.

It's perfectly understandable to want a rest day - both of you - it's also not uncommon for parents with young children not to get it, sadly. Parenting is about the art of the possible, but it's very hard to feel okay with that. Lots and lots of luck and don't be put off posting, there is lots of support on other threads here.

Firstly - well done in having an equal partnership with your DH. I'm always amazed on here how many men have to be 'told' by their partners about what needs doing regarding housework and childcare.

But you need to look at your high standards on bringing up your children and cut yourselves, and them, some slack because it's not working. You're in a viscious circle. You're both stressed and your children are picking up on it and as a consequence are hard work. I don't have any answers but how about trying to chill out a bit, stick them in front of the TV, say 'no' once in a while and explain why, have quiet activities without parental input. How about a cleaner? Get a babysitter, your children will survive the 'stranger' for the first time.

Oh, and get out of the mindset that parents have a right to a rest! Good luck.

posiesofpoison - I don't know what your problem is but my DH is anything but selfish. Last night he went to play squash after both kids were in bed and then DS got up coughing and wouldn't go back to sleep and then DD woke up coughing and then threw up everywhere. I called DH and he came running back even though he had just started playing. Today he is off work today tending to DD, as I really need to be at work today.I don't envy him as she has got conjuctivitis and D&V and a high temp, and getting any medication in her is a total nightmare. And he will have to bring her in for a feed at my workplace.

I had an early night last night and feel so much better for it. Although DH didn't as he had put on the laundry with DDs sick in it and washed up from dinner and tidied up.

Fabbychic - we both get lots of quality time with our DCs thank you very much. We do nothing else all weekend.And I work 3 days a week, so I'm with them 2 full days. During the week DH is back for dinner and bedtime unlike lots of other dads. In the mornings even though he is in a rush and misses out on breakfast a lot of the time he nappy changes them both and gets atleast one of them fuly dressed and teeth brushed before he has to rush off at 7.15am. Then he cycles to work 10miles and spends all day teaching and disciplining kids and then does lesson planning and marking before cycling 10 miles back home again.

Thanks so much for everybodies suggestions. We had a talk last night and we decided that at the weekends, for one day we will have one child each for half a day and then swap. So that we will look after only one child at a time for that day. we don't really need a break from both children, we just need a break from looking after both of them I think. One child is easy to look after. When they are both together all they seem to do is squabble and fight over toys.

With regards to the inset day, I think I will let this one go. But if it happens again on a non friday, I think i will have to have a talk with the manager.

Choceyes. That's what most fathers would do.

I find your whole attitude pretty strange. Why would anyone put their dcs in nursery care for anything other than necessity or benefit of the children. If I were a teacher I would think that a bonus would be holiday time to spend with my children.

OP you have unrealistic ideas of what parenting entails, as does your DH. Children need sleep, food, water and routine as well as lots of love and discipline. And you make hard work out of two small children, it's not hard work.

Posies - let me just say that I would be DELIGHTED to put my DCs in nursery so that I could have a day to myself. OP isn't saying she doesn't like her kids, she's just saying that her DH having a day without them was something he was looking forward to. Get off her back !

Ok, I have a suggestion that might be controversial, but might just help you. Btw, this is coming from someone who no close by family and we both work with long commutes so I know what you are going through.

Personally, I would take a couple of days off sick off work. Put the DC's in nursery still and get on top of the washing, little jobs that need doing. Then make some plans and lists of things you want to change to make your lives easier.

Agree that you need to get some help re sleep. I have had some fantastic advice from the sleep board in the past. Also, there is always lots of people around to give advice about morning routines when everyone has to get to work and little DC's to nursery.

You and DH need some time together, can you get a sitter or maybe go to stay with your family and plan an evening out then? Failing that, I try to organise a 'night out' evening at home with DH. Nothing very exciting, expect for some nice food, bottle of wine and no TV for the evening, or watching a DVD together. It's not a night out, but it's a bit different.

You do have my sympathy, and I think you are in the 'can't see the woods for the trees' place at the moment.

Posies when I have annual leave, I still put DS in nursery on the days I would usually be at work. I need a break to myself, and seeing as we are still paying for it it seems stupid not too. I think I am a better parent on the other days for it.

I don't get why parenting has to be some sort of self sacrificing ritual if you have the option to change it.

No self sacrificing here, having children wasn't a sacrifice, I create time for myself and think that if you do a job you love that's a decent enough break.

I had no family around either, until 5 months ago and my oldest is nearly ten.

Is this a private nursery? My two went through a private nursery from 6 months to school and it closed for 1 week a year - over Christmas. They never closed for "training" - ever. Thank god!

Ah, well thats where we differ Posie, because I can't stand my job! I leave the house at 06.30, not home until gone 18.00. No break at all.

2 children at this ages is hard work. But it is something temporary. Next year it will be easier and year after even more easy. Honestly.

Someone earlier said to try and find a positive thing every day. Well i can do it for you because reading your posts i can find plenty positives tbh.

• Nursery closed: Imagine having that plus a dh who cant take time off, phoning agencies to find emergency childcare and having to pay an extra £300 for that. Trust me, many families have to do that i used to do emergency nannying and there were always plenty desperate parents phoning me.

• You both work: yes, but imagine if both worked full time 60 hrs each. Many people will have to work christmas eve or even christmas day. They would love to be in your dh's shoes fgs.

• No family close by: well you go every 2 months and give your dh a break, thats not hard done. Others dont have parents at all or they have them in their feet every day (read the mil threads).

• Your dh age: The ideal age to be father, not too young not too old.

I'm not trying to dismiss your tiredness, as i said having 2 at this age is tiring. But feeling and acting like victims and blaming everything -even the age of 31!- doesn't help.

You can easily give each other a break and you can easily go for a drink together. You can ask the Nursery staff to babysit, they are not 'strangers' since your children go to nursery. So what really holds you?

Personally I don't think it's right you should have to pay when the nursery is closed. On the other hand if you have them away for some reason but the nursery open then I agree with paying to keep the child's place.

"We choose not to back off & give our kids a bit of space to fall asleep by themselves, or to give one parent a break while the other deals with them, or to give our kids boundaries or to do anything else that so many experienced parents are suggesting.
Imagine our surprprise when this approach leaves us exhausted"

No, I can't understand it either.

It's not just exhausting it's really irresponsible parenting. Being a parent is not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to make the children nice so the world is a nicer place for them.

I'm sorry but if a working parent looks forward to a day off without his children when they're 14 months and 3 years I'd be worried.

Im still really curious about this choceyes

"My problem is that I can never let go. I have to be with the children all the time even at the weekend, and I don't let my DH look after the kids on his own, even when he suggests I take a break."

Why dont you let your DH - the childrens own Father - look after his own children on his own?? And why should it be a question of you "letting" him look after his own children - doesnt your DH get a say in this at all?

Personally I signed up to be a parent not a martyr.

mar·tyr (märtr)
n.

1. One who chooses to suffer death rather than renounce religious principles.
2. One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.

3. a. One who endures great suffering: a martyr to arthritis. b. One who makes a great show of suffering in order to arouse sympathy. tr.v. mar·tyred, mar·tyr·ing, mar·tyrs

1. To make a martyr of, especially to put to death for devotion to religious beliefs.
2. To inflict great pain on; torment.

I am a parent, spending time with my children is never 'suffering', I'm sorry you find yours such a chore. And three years in finding a day off spent with children a sufferance is beyond the pale. Most people would be looking forward to it.

As adults with children in bed we have time to be adults then, or at the weekend one of us may have time to oursleves. But whinging about nursery during Christmas holidays because the father can't have a rest day.....fucking hell.

Yes because of course I said I hate my children and find them a chore.
I once did a course designed for parents designed at helping parents manage time/stress/energy levels etc. It was really interesting and taught a simple principle that as a parent if you don't look after yourself (even a little) at some point you will reach burnout and become worse than useless as a parent. The analogy was on an aeroplane in an emergency when passengers are told to put their oxygen masks on parents are told to put theirs on first and then on their DC's in case they pass out before they can complete the task for the child. In parenting we all need to care for our mental and physical health every day and that's not being selfish that's being sensible.