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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't think single parents should date

210 replies

whatever117 · 06/11/2011 02:12

And I am one myself.

I had DS1 at 20 - I did date and subsequently married DS2's Dad and gained a wonderful DSD who is still with me.

I split up with DS2's Dad and kept all 3 kids.

Since then I have worked, looked after the kids, messed about with the dog, tried to keep the house and garden OK-ish.

I don't think the kids would appreciate a new face around. I do not know how I could incorporate it into our lives.

I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids?

OP posts:

IneedAbetterNickname · 07/11/2011 18:56

I was a single mum for 2 years. In that time I went on a few 'dates' as in went out for a meal/drink whatever. Most of them came to nothing as the man involved couldn't grasp why I wouldn't take him back to my house that night/introduce him to my kids/couldn't see him everyday. One guy however I dated for a few months. The DC met him as 'Mummy's friend' a few times. Things didn't work out, they barely remember him, possibly because of how few times they met.
Unlike Daddy's girlfriend, who they met 6 weeks after me and him split, and he moved in with within 6 months! They talk about her alot, mostly how much they hated her.
Me and their Dad are back together now, have been for a few months, but only told the boys after a few weeks, just in case!

On the other hand, my Mum was single from when I was 7, and little DB was 5. It wasn't until we were old enough to be left in the house alone that she started dating again, and the only one of the men she dated (only about 3 of them) that we met is now my SD and they have been married 10 years!

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/11/2011 19:24

whatever117 But if you hadn't dated when you were a single mum you wouldn't have met your ex and now have 3 children.

Original poster

whatever117 · 09/11/2011 20:57

Sorry if I have BU - and I have been thinking about my position.

I am now 42 and in full time work with 3 kids and a dog - I am really busy with the house, garden, work (I am self employed) taking the kids on holiday and seeing my best mates and parents.

When I was a young single parent (21) I was desperately lonely, really desperate and thankfully met DS2 and DSD's Dad - otherwise I would only have (not to disparage him!) DS1.

Now, at my age, when my life is sorted (! - or calm), I do not need a partner. I hope to meet one when the kids have gone. I just feel like my house is bulging at the moment.

But I had forgotten how really lonely I was as a young SP.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatever117 · 09/11/2011 20:58

toptramp - I think SPs can have a fair amount of sex without anyone being any the wiser.

OP posts:

midwivesdeliver · 09/11/2011 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoddessofSubburbia · 09/11/2011 23:30

midwivesdeliver I know you are safe, as is the dog... but what about your cats? They might hurt my poor pussy.....

midwivesdeliver · 09/11/2011 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oohlaalaa · 10/11/2011 15:19

My DH mum never dated again after her divorce, just concentrated on raising her three boys, and running her business (children's nursery).

She has a boyfriend now that they have all left home. She apparently never had time for dating. She didn't date for 14 years.

I don't know if I could do it.

sunshineandbooks · 10/11/2011 15:31

How long is a piece of string?

I don't see the problem with dating, nor a problem with the DC of single parents seeing that parent dating a succession of people. There's no moral law to say that children should only be allowed to see their parents having long-term relationships. Perhaps if more children saw their parents trying out and discarding various partners they may realise that it's ok not to settle and you should think long and hard about who you want to settle down with. Before any says "but what are you teaching them about relationships?", you could counter that by asking the very same thing about a parent who doesn't date at all...

Where it's a problem is allowing your child to get too attached. Children form relationships with people all the time and don't fall apart at the seams when those relationships end - think CM/nursery/teacher, etc. Only if you allow the child to become too attached to a new partner who you've no intention of settling down with is there a problem.

Many children meet various (platonic) friends of their parents from time to time without any difficulties. A date can be just the same, and there is a lot of sense to this because it doesn't matter how well you get on with a new partner, if he can't relate well to your children the relationship is dead in the water.

That said, it is madness to allow a new partner to become over-involved with your life, moving them in after 5 minutes and then throwing them out again 6 months later when it obviously isn't working.

FWIW, I have been single for nearly 5 years and haven't dated in all that time because I couldn't fit it in and have now grown so comfortable with being single that I don't want to anymore.

Minus273 · 10/11/2011 16:23

I don't think single parents should be under pressure to make decison either way. If they feel they don't want to date as they want to be single for now the good for them if they want to date then equally good for them.

You can date and still be careful and avoid introducing a string of men as father figures. I waited a while before introducing my now DH to dd. I waited until I was sure I wanted to keep seeing him. Even at that point I only introduced him as Mummy's friend then wait as they gradually get to know one an other.

One thing I have issue with is the way society seems to pat a father on the back if he meets someone after separating from the mother of his children and generally regards him meeting someone was a good thing. Yet the mother meets someone and she is a slag,harlot etc. Disgusting set of double standards held by many people in todays society.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 10/11/2011 16:23

sunshineandbooks well put

elastamum · 10/11/2011 16:45

Whatever, I am a single parent and whilst I understand your caution, I think you are being a bit extreme. Dating is just that, and there is no reason to have to introduce anyone to your children if the relationship is not established. I dated a number of men and my children only ever met one of them and then just as a friend outside the home.

After 3 years alone I have a new partner who gets on well with my children and me with his. If he didnt it would be a deal breaker for me. We dont live together as he is shared parenting his teenagers and I think it is better for everyone to have their own home and space. BTW he has been CRB checked (but not by me)

When all our children have left home we will still have each other for company and I think that is a good thing for everyone.

samwellsbutt · 10/11/2011 16:49

it does kids no good to see their mum sad and lonely and with no life. hahaha i think my kids wished i had no life. and often the new guy as you put it can be a damn site better than the old one.

DizzyKipper · 10/11/2011 16:52

DilysPrice · 10/11/2011 17:03

There's no doubt that sharing a house with an unrelated man is an additional risk factor for child abuse, but it would be hugely unreasonable to say that because of that risk all single mothers should remain celibate until their DC leave home, which is what the OP seemed to advocate. They just need to be discriminating in their choices, as we all should.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 10/11/2011 21:25

I think it has as much to do with the general disposition and mental wellbeing of the individual as it does with age to be honest.

I had dd at 22 (entirely alone) and have never felt lonely or in any way desperate for a relationship. It's just not the way that I'm wired.

It does something of a dis-service to attribute that stuff to age.

It is only now, five years on, that I feel like I might like to date the right person. This has a lot to do, no doubt, with the fact that I've recently met someone that I like quite a lot. I still don't feel lonely or like there's something missing and most certainly have not had a celibate five years

toptramp · 10/11/2011 21:30

EVERYONE should be choosy about who they date; single parent or not. We all need to value ourselves more and not put up with any old crap.

sakura · 25/09/2015 18:51

Yanbu. It is often the boyfriend. Not really worth the risk. Won't kill us to wait until the kids are older.

sakura · 25/09/2015 18:52

Although to be fair I understand the shocked reactions on here. The last thing single mums need is to be beaten with another stick.

MissFitt68 · 25/09/2015 18:56

Especially when this thread is years old!! Why resurrect it?

parrotsummer · 25/09/2015 18:58

It's quite an interesting discussion.

I am a single parent; I won't date. I don't want to put DC through that.

TimeToMuskUp · 25/09/2015 19:02

Weird resurrection of a zombie thread.

That said, I met DH a year after breaking up with DS1's Dad. We're married now with another DS and a pretty lovely life together. DS1 is no worse off because I met and married DH; he has a constant source of fun, support and kindness.

sakura What a weird thing to say. What, exactly, is often the boyfriend? Abuse? Neglect? Because biological parents never do that do they?

PurpleDaisies · 25/09/2015 19:04

When do you think MNHQ will come up with a ZOMBIE ALERT banner on really old threads?

Very bad etiquette Sakura.

parrotsummer · 25/09/2015 19:06

Sakura is right about the risks though.

The most dangerous thing a woman can do (statistically) is bring an unrelated male home.

RaspberryOverload · 25/09/2015 19:08

There used to be a zombie alert on old threads, but I suspect that when enough people post recently it sort of removes the alert.

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