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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think single parents should date

210 replies

whatever117 · 06/11/2011 02:12

And I am one myself.

I had DS1 at 20 - I did date and subsequently married DS2's Dad and gained a wonderful DSD who is still with me.

I split up with DS2's Dad and kept all 3 kids.

Since then I have worked, looked after the kids, messed about with the dog, tried to keep the house and garden OK-ish.

I don't think the kids would appreciate a new face around. I do not know how I could incorporate it into our lives.

I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids?

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 06/11/2011 08:21

My parents separated when I was five or six. Over the years my mum had WAAAAY too many boyfriends coming in and out of the home (and her bed) and it wasn't very nice for me and my sister, constantly having to re-adjust to whoever was the man of the moment - and sometimes it seemed they were only around for a matter of moments! She was only in her mid twenties by the time she was divorced, so I understand completely that she wanted to date men and have some fun, but I think she should have been much more circumspect about how/when she introduced these men into our lives. My sis and I both moved out at 16 and we felt pretty much in the way of her love-life for most of our childhoods, although she was a great mum in many other respects. My kids are older now, and my marriage (so far!) intact, but I always thought if I'd ever found myself divorced with kids I'd do things very very differently to my mum.

ballstoit · 06/11/2011 08:25

YABU. Dating is fine...shouldn't involve the kids for a long time in a new relationship anyway.

You are being a hypocrite, you've dated as a single mum, including introducing a child that isn't yours to a new boyfriend. Just because you're now happy not to, doesn't mean everyone else should do agree.

I know several people who were pg with their DC within less than a year of knowing the father...should they have been allowed to keep their DC? Without a CRB check? (I agree with Andrewofgg, a CRB is not a substitute for parental common sense, it shows whether someone has been caught for doing something, not whether they ever will)

Proudnscary · 06/11/2011 08:27

That's my experience too Fellatio (well similar) and that's why I'm a bit OTT traditionalist about families staying together.

And why I am usually the lone voice on the relationships board urging women to keep trying at their marriage if they have children (unless it's abusive or extremely unhappy of course - it's amazing how many women are advised to 'leave him - you deserve to be happy' when the women have just fallen out of lust/love and are flatlining).

antsypants · 06/11/2011 08:30

I can't imagine introducing another man into my DD life, but then I can't imagine being able to meet someone who would fit into my lifestyle at the moment, buy I am 35 years old, not 135, I would hope that when someone who piques my interest does appear then I would be able to feel confident enough in my own judgement that I would know whether it was going to be appropriate to introduce them into my family life...

There is always a chance that someone in your life could pose a risk to your child, but it is just as likely to be a grandfather or aunt as it is a stranger.

FellatioNelson · 06/11/2011 08:31

Yep, me too Proud. Those threads make me want to scream sometimes. I tend to stay off 'em.

TheHumancatapult · 06/11/2011 08:37

well i date and have 4 kids .

But ys i do admit they do not meet my dc .That will only come if sure relationship is going to be serious and long term .

but meh crb checks that would only mean they have never been caught .I would much rather apply common sense

exoticfruits · 06/11/2011 08:41

I agree with custardo. There is so much wrong with the statement that I don't know where to start and will regret it if I get dragged in.
YABVU.
Just to say that my DS wouldn't have grown up with a wonderful stepfather and extra grandparents, aunts, cousins etc and he wouldn't have 2 very precious half brothers.
And no, I do not need CRB checks-my own judgement is absolutely fine. (a CRB check only tells you they have not been caught)
What a shame to limit your DCs in such a way.

exoticfruits · 06/11/2011 08:42

Cross posted with humancatapult who said the same-a CRB check is pointless in the situation.

exoticfruits · 06/11/2011 08:43

Have been lost the ability to use common sense?

ragged · 06/11/2011 08:47

I am married, and if I ever became a LP, I can't imagine dating because I wouldn't have any babysitters (totally unlike most the LPs I can think of IRL who seem to have overflowing support and vibrant social lives).

BUT, my mother & grandmother were barely 20yo LPs of 2 young children, I think they dated lots, and their boys came to adore, absolutely adore, their step fathers. The lives of my brothers/dad/uncle would have been very diminished (in so many ways) without those step-dads. So, yabvu.

duckdodgers · 06/11/2011 08:48

Alouisee you do realise that there are never any guarantees in any human relationship dont you and its nothing to do with being choosy? Hmm In my case maybe I should have "chose" someone that wasnt going to drown when I was pregnant with DS1 eh?!

Alouisee · 06/11/2011 08:53

Read my post of 08.20 please.

ledkr · 06/11/2011 08:56

alouise I did wonder if you were being a bit sarky Grin

Well op,it sounds very much as if you have some issues there that could do with the work.

Do you seriously think it will be good for your children not to learn about relationships apart from failed ones?

I was on my own with my dd for 5 years after her Dad left us.One of the things i was concerned about was that she wouldnt know how a man should treat a woman so have no bench mark for her own relationships.

I was also concerned that she was with me all the time and didnt have to share me at all and that she would become too dependent on me.

Another concern wss that she would feel guilty when it was time to flee the nest if i was alone.

I dated,damn right i dated. I also built up a career,travelled with her and had many good friends both male and female. Dating was just a small part of my life.

As it happens i did re marry but i chose carefully and he is a great role model for her whilst enabling her relationship with her natural father too.

We have a baby and that has only been a positive thing for dd1.
The other day i put them in the bath together and she said
"All i ever wanted was a sister to have a bath with" so sweet.

Im sorry you have had bad luck and its great if you are happy on your own,many people are. But dont let bitterness make you judgy.

altinkum · 06/11/2011 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 06/11/2011 09:01

I agree with you actually OP for MYSELF.

akaemmafrost · 06/11/2011 09:02

Ooops posted too soon. Meant to add what everyone else does is their OWN business.

Andrewofgg · 06/11/2011 09:04

altinkum Indeed, and they do not cover cases where the Defendant was guilty as hell but the jury were not persuaded (nor of course should acquittals or non-prosecuted cases be revealed).

You have to form a view of parents in whose homes your child goes on a sleep-over - and they of course will take a view of you when you are the host. No amount of recording and registration can replace that.

FellatioNelson · 06/11/2011 09:06

'Some I liked and was close to, some I hated, some I was even fearful of. Some were abusive to my mum, some were controlling, some were lovely. I never really knew a what a 'normal' relationship looked like, resulting in some very toxic relationships of my own in my youth.'

Catonkey Yes, I can completely identify with that.

toptramp · 06/11/2011 09:12

My first ever mumsnet dog [biscuet]!

toptramp · 06/11/2011 09:13

Biscuit God I cannot spell!

By the way op; what if your dp is an abuser? Has he had a crb?

Groovee · 06/11/2011 09:24

I have 2 friends who are single parents who are in a relationship and their children don't know the person. Nothing wrong with that at all and they're very happy in the early stages together.

SuePurblybilt · 06/11/2011 09:31

Did we not just have this a fortnight ago or have I started MN-ing in my head again?

TandB · 06/11/2011 09:48

How utterly offensive to all the much-loved step-fathers out there. One of our friends is a step-dad to one son and a biological father to two more. I think his eldest is probably pretty bloody happy that his mother decided to date given that he gained a loving father out of it.

DelGirl · 06/11/2011 09:53

here op have a Biscuit yab ludicrously u

toptramp · 06/11/2011 10:13

How is having a few boyfriends any worse than having a shit marriage or a sad and lonely mum fgs?
We are all human with our faults and our relationships are likewise imperfect. Surely kids not being exposed to this will totally shelter them from realities of dating. [biscuet] And for those who say if they were single they wouldn't date; I bet you my nan that would.