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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think single parents should date

210 replies

whatever117 · 06/11/2011 02:12

And I am one myself.

I had DS1 at 20 - I did date and subsequently married DS2's Dad and gained a wonderful DSD who is still with me.

I split up with DS2's Dad and kept all 3 kids.

Since then I have worked, looked after the kids, messed about with the dog, tried to keep the house and garden OK-ish.

I don't think the kids would appreciate a new face around. I do not know how I could incorporate it into our lives.

I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids?

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 06/11/2011 02:46

opinions are like arseholes....

fill in the blanks.

pepper09 · 06/11/2011 02:48

I'm new but had to say, what a strange thing to write. I'm a single mum with a boyfriend of two years. He didn't meet my son for 6 months. No problems here!

You may choose a single life but as others have said no reason why everyone else should too.

Memoo · 06/11/2011 02:55

I don't think some twat bags people should be able to spout their bollocks all over the Internet but at least I have the decency to keep my opinions to my self.

Oh, wait..,

Original poster
whatever117 · 06/11/2011 02:56

Can dogs have vajazzles?

OP posts:
LeBOF · 06/11/2011 02:57

A single life can obviously be very positive. But there are actually nice men out there who can enrich your life, you know!

I know there are women who, through laziness or circumstance, basically move casual boyfriends in because they find getting babysitters difficult, and that is not a great move. But there's nothing wrong with dating when you keep it out of your kids' space, and only introduce them after a sensible period of time.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 06/11/2011 02:57

bleached?

Orphanandie · 06/11/2011 02:59

I do know what you're saying, OP. But it's a bit much to expect people to be single for so long. Im not a single Mum but if I was I think I'd be single...I don't know if I could fully trust anyone else with my kids...maybe I'm being over paranoid.

RillaBlythe · 06/11/2011 03:01

I didn't have a CRB check before giving birth either.

Vajazzle · 06/11/2011 03:07

Can dogs have vajazzles? No . But bitches can!!

Vajazzle · 06/11/2011 03:07

No offence meant!!

Memoo · 06/11/2011 03:10

Ahaha vajazzle! ;)

Memoo · 06/11/2011 03:13

Ahhh I get it. This is to make yourself feel better about the fact that nobody will date you! All makes perfect sense now.

Thumbwitch · 06/11/2011 03:13

I can see what you're saying and I do know of a couple of single mums who believed the same as you, although they were both widowed so possibly rather different circumstances - but most people don't introduce the new partner straight into their children's lives, do they? There is a period of getting to know them before the children even get to meet them, usually several months, no? And if you are careful yourself, and take your time, then it could be beneficial for you and your children. Of course you can never really know someone - but then parents of children have been known to abuse their own children too, so being a new partner doesn't make them any more or less likely to do so, I wouldn't think.

However, those who have serial partners in and out of the house in a few months each, that would be likely to be more unsettling for the children, yes.

Original poster
whatever117 · 06/11/2011 03:26

Memoo - Hmm - no, DS2 was more heartbroken than I was when my last relationship ended. He was a nice bloke, loved the kids, after 2 years it ended. If I hadn't had kids, fine. But DS2 adored him from 4-6 years and really, really cried every night for about 6 months. He is now 12 and still talks about him and he was only my boyfriend, not his father.

That's what I mean. We can deal with heartbreak, should they?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever117 · 06/11/2011 03:28

Thumbwitch - if it is a really, really serious relationship, likely to be permanent, fine. But, see above, for kids it can be like losing their father all over again.

OP posts:
PoppaRob · 06/11/2011 05:29

Thank you so much for raising this OP. I'll go onto Facebook immediately and check with my four stepsons and two stepdaughters from my marriages that they weren't too traumatised by having a new face around. I'm guessing not given that two of the boys and one of the girls still call me Dad and we're in contact at least weekly if not more often, but you never know, they might have been scarred for life by the experience.

Actually I'd better make a phonecall to one of my stepdaughters who lives interstate 'cos she and her kids are staying with me while she visits my ex-mother-in-law (who I'm also in frequent contact with) as the ex-MIL is going in for chemo and radiotherapy in a couple of weeks. Maybe I should stop letting the visiting step-grandkids calling me Poppa Rob too? You can never be too careful can you! I'd better make up a spreadsheet just to make sure I haven't left anyone out!

When their mothers and I split up I went to great pains to make sure that the kids knew none of the fault was theirs and that just because their Mum and I no longer loved each other that did not mean I'd stopped loving them! As Billy Connolly would say, OP, you're more to be pitied than scorned.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/11/2011 05:50

"I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids"

You sound like you suffer from irrational anxieties. YABU

coccyx · 06/11/2011 06:03

How odd.

KittyFane · 06/11/2011 06:50

Whatever I agree with what you are trying to say in your OP.
You are not odd if that's what you want to do.

Some women can't live without 'a man' in their lives.
I know exactly how it feels to have 'mum's boyfriends' around as a child.
You want to concentrate on your DC, you sound very independent and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

KittyFane · 06/11/2011 06:52

Before anyone gets stressed ... I am talking about mum's boyfriends (plural).

JaneBirkin · 06/11/2011 07:13

I don't feel comfortable with it either, for myself I mean - each to their own.

I've had some boyfriends since I became single and tbh I was desperate for a father substitute for ds. That's why I did it. I was looking for someone to fill the gap in his life.

It didn't work, and I have never really found anyone else I loved like I loved his father, so really it's all a bit pointless, and disruptive and I can't justify foisting my own random brief relationships on them any more. I never could, really.

I do want someone, to be here, to help me with things I find difficult, to make me feel safer and stronger and supported. Don't get me wrong. But I am not having much luck with the right sort of man and I reckon that's due to something being up with me, with what I do, with how I perceive men and myself - I don't believe I deserve someone good, because I'm a bit rubbish.

So I'm not even trying now. I've met two men in the course of their work this week who have both said they liked me a lot. I've no wish to take it further, so I won't.
I don't have the emotional energy.

If one day I meet someone I find I don't want to be without, rather than someone I can take or leave, I might go for it but I don't think it's likely and for now, my children matter more than anyone I've met.

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/11/2011 07:22

YABU. There is no reason why you can't date. There is no need to introduce your dates to your child/children unless you both think it's going to go the distance.

As for child abuse, it's as often a blood relative as not. You're being unnecessarily alarmist. And I was abused as a child. By a relative. I do not take that risk lightly.

Sirzy · 06/11/2011 07:30

I think the child having a new man in there lives every few months is wrong, but there is nothing wrong with a single woman being in a relationship she thinks is going to last and only introducing children to the equation at the point where they feel that way.

Catonkey · 06/11/2011 07:31

Some overly harsh responses to the OP here. I lived with a succession of 'mum's boyfriends' from the age of 11 when my parents split, to 20 when I left home. It was pretty grim.

Some I liked and was close to, some I hated, some I was even fearful of. Some were abusive to my mum, some were controlling, some were lovely. I never really knew a what a 'normal' relationship looked like, resulting in some very toxic relationships of my own in my youth.

Lone parents should definitely date, you need to be yourself and not just mum or dad, why shouldn't you give yourself the chance of finding a partner?! But you need to be 100% before involving any partner in the lives of your children.

PosiesOfPoison · 06/11/2011 07:35

I think that it should be slow, steady and carefully done.