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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think single parents should date

210 replies

whatever117 · 06/11/2011 02:12

And I am one myself.

I had DS1 at 20 - I did date and subsequently married DS2's Dad and gained a wonderful DSD who is still with me.

I split up with DS2's Dad and kept all 3 kids.

Since then I have worked, looked after the kids, messed about with the dog, tried to keep the house and garden OK-ish.

I don't think the kids would appreciate a new face around. I do not know how I could incorporate it into our lives.

I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids?

OP posts:
toptramp · 06/11/2011 10:14

Biscuit sorry

toptramp · 06/11/2011 10:17

I think it's good for kids to see mum taking another shot at love if the relationship with dad dosn't work; as long as he's not abusive that is.

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/11/2011 10:19

Hmmm... A few Inflammatory posts and the OP disappears. Hmm

notyummy I knew I should haves checked!

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/11/2011 10:20

Have, even...

maristellathewitch · 06/11/2011 10:33

YABU! Just because you've gotten it wrong, doesn't mean we all will!

Being a single parent doesn't mean you have forfeited your right to a life, or indeed a sex life.

I date, it's separate from my life at home with DS, and hey it's better than a succession of one night stands Wink

Maybe one day I will meet someone who can enrich both mine and Ds' life, until then they do not meet DS. Simples!

happydotcom · 06/11/2011 11:09

YABU.
I'm married and DH has never had a CRB check - neither have any of my friends / family involved in my DS's life!!

Really weird, sorry.

AfricanExport · 06/11/2011 11:13

Hi

I am not a single mom but my mum was, single with 6 kids (same daddy!). She never ever ever had a boyfriend after my dad. She believed similar to Whatever that it is not good for the kids and I can understand that point of view to an extent, however I think there is a difference between dating and sleeping around. Single parents have every right to find happiness - absolutely, I think what Whatever is saying is that it should not be to the detriment of the kids. Dating is fine but bringing a new man into their lives everytime you change your socks is not fair on those kids.

So perhaps it's the definition of dating (is that dinner or a night in the sack?) needs to be clarified. A little bit of common sense and discretion and a slow and gentle introduction to the new man is fine but waking up to find a new man in the house a few times a year is not right, I don't think.

I wish my mother had taken the time for herself to find love again. It is so important to be loved and to have someone to share your life with and I find it sad that she has spent 40 years alone living solely for her kids. You need to get the balance right to make sure everyone is happy. Everyone deserved to be loved by someone....

Thumbwitch · 06/11/2011 11:21

The OP has replied that she thinks it's fine if it's another longstanding relationship - so it's not the case that she thinks everyone should don the chastity belt once one relationship has failed - but it's very hard to know when it's going to BE another longstanding relationship if you don't ever date!

It must be hard for children if not only their own dad leaves, but then their stepdad does too - I think that's what she's driving at. Not all fathers/stepfathers are as involved as popparob - so it's a real loss, and then another one and so on.

anastaisia · 06/11/2011 11:45

I sort of think that actually not introducing men unless it's 100% serious isn't the best way to go either. Not every first date, sure, but I wouldn't date someone in serious way unless I'd seen how they got on with dd.

However I wouldn't introduce them as my new boyfriend - just the same way I would with any other new friends. And making it known to her that anything else at all was going on would be a gradual thing.

But then, perhaps that's largely because I'm very happy being single on the whole, and any relationship I wanted to be in would be more like good friends + dating than expecting to move quickly into being more serious. And also because I'm used to having as many male friends as female friends, so it wouldn't be unusual for me and dd to hang out with them anyway.

anastaisia · 06/11/2011 11:52

(when I say don't think it's best I just mean for me, not for anyone else, wouldn't dream of telling other people how to manage their lives)

ChocolateGingerbread · 06/11/2011 12:42

I get where the OP is coming from, I have shared the same concerns as a LP, but I think it's possible to deal with them without going to the extremes of never dating again!

I was a LP for nine years and I dated quite a few men during that time, but none of them were ever introduced to DS. I think a lot of LPs introduce their boyfriends quite early just because it's so hard to get childcare so it's easier to go out as a family and to have him stay over. I was very lucky to have a supportive family close by so I always had willing babysitters. I think I learnt a lot from those relationships/flings and I would have been miserable if I didn't have the chance to go out, so it's made me a more rounded person and that was good for DS because it meant I was a happier mum.

My boyfriends rarely stayed over and if they did, it was when DS was on sleepovers so he didn't see them around the place. I had a friend at school whose mum had a succession of boyfriends and got upset/confused by that so I never wanted DS to go through that.

I have remarried now and DH is the only boyfriend I ever introduced to DS. I only introduced them after I'd been seeing him for a year and I felt secure that it would be a long-lasting relationship. I think if I hadn't dated all those 'frogs' in the past, I wouldn't have been able to be sure that DH was 'the one'.

DH and DS get on really well, DP takes DS swimming and football every week and DS would have missed out on that male bonding relationship if I'd decided to write off relationships altogether. We've also just moved into a lovely house and DS has started at a secondary school he wouldn't have been able to go to if we'd stayed in our poky 2-bed flat. So having a stepfather has improved our lifestyles in numerous ways.

MollieO · 06/11/2011 12:46

I think it is an individual's choice. Personally I haven't dated since I had ds (split with his father whilst pregnant). Main reason is I worry about letting him down if things don't work out. Other main reason though is no one has actually asked me!

SparklyRedShoes · 06/11/2011 12:57

I am a single parent and have made a concious decision not to date until my children are both adults.

When my parents divorced, my understandably very sad and lonely mother started seeing a new man after 6 months, and for another 6 months he acted like Santa Claus: he was funny, and brought us presents easter eggs etc. took us all out, everyone said mum was lucky etc..

Then the slightly too long goodnight hugs started, and the accidental walking into the bathroom because he didn't know i was there.

It got much worse. He sexually abused me for 7 years.

Mum was oblivious and still is. Everyone liked him. They ended up splitting up when I was an adult but my life has been scarred, partly the reason I am a single parent actually.

I see S.P. all the time introducing new men into their children's lives. What people should realise is that not all men will make a sexually distinctive mental boundary - and it has to be mental- with their new partner's children.

My situation is very common, I ended up homeless and heard it again and again from girls I shared rooms with. SP should date with extreme caution, even putting the increased potential for abuse aside. I'm sorry but I think some S.P. are selfish and put their own needs above that of their childrens well being. Some have relationship after relationship having new children each time. sorry it's not fair to the eldest children.

So in large part I agree with you O.P. and think CRB checks would be a good way to start.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 06/11/2011 13:02

What - ever? Or just until the children have grown up and left home?

So for what could end up being 2 decades, someone whose relationship failed and left them holding the baby, should not feel the loving touch of another human being? Be loved? Love? even just go out and have some fun?

My god. I can't help but feel that has the potential to turn someone into a very bitter person. In some cases they may even pull the 'I gave up everything for you' as a method of control over their children. Cos they had nothing else in their life, so letting the kids spread their wings would be terrifying.

No. If someone feels that they want to give up everything else in their life because they have children, fair enough, but they have no right to present it as the best option to everyone or judge those who do want to have love, laughter and romance in their lives.

Cheeptrick · 06/11/2011 13:16

My sister is a single parent and i would love her to date and find a nice careing loveing kind man to share her and her son's life with (that is not married or a workacholic or an alcholic).

IMO she is messing her son up letting him know the twat that is his dad (Bio dad told DN he would see him on boxing day and did not turn up and has not seen DN for 11 months now and DN keeps asking about him) instead of finding a man that could be a fab husband and dad!

Date, just take your time and be more careful!

toptramp · 06/11/2011 13:35

I am not going to wait till my dd is grown up for several reasons;

  1. She is only 3 and I am not going to wait 15 years for a shag!
  2. I am human; being a single mum and being human are not mutually exclusive.
3.I believe taht yes the kids might be sad about dad leaving but surely would be happy to see mummy happy again.
  1. To a certain extent the kids have to learn that it isn't all about them if they don't want mum to date. As long as he's not abusive and as long as he's not a long line of many. There is a certain amount of learning to rub along togather in families. Not everyone gets on with their biological parents so a step parent is potentially no different. I do think crb checks are a great idea myself and as a single mum I would welcome them.
toptramp · 06/11/2011 13:36

Also I am much more discerning now I have dd; no more tossers for me. That's a good thing surely?!

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 06/11/2011 13:42

Sparklyredshoes, your story is terrible :( But why deny yourself happiness based on the actions of one arsehole? YOu say it's not that uuncommon, but I don't know about that. I know a lot of families with a stepfather, I have one myself that I consider my dad, and they enrich those families. To make a nun of yourself til the children are adults, as a conscious choice as something bad might happen to them is doing yourself (and them) a disservice. Not everyone who wants to date a single parent is some kind of paedophile. My best friend works in a prison and was extremely concerned when I started dating as a lot of the prisoners she comes into contact with DO target single mothers for their children. But hers is a very skewed view.

SparklyRedShoes · 06/11/2011 13:57

I'll think about what you've said fuckityfuckfuckfuck

kerrymumbles · 06/11/2011 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 06/11/2011 15:25

I haven't had a date since i split with xp well over 5 years ago. This is not through choice but through being on the shelf and unwanted lol.

I do agree that dc should not be introduced to a new man right away though, but i'm not really sure when it should be done.

kerrymumbles · 06/11/2011 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunnerSaturnaliaCometh · 06/11/2011 16:58

I'm still struggling to understand the OP's contradictions.

In her OP she says that after her husband and father of her DS2 left, she threw herself into the devoted single life.

But then in a later post she talks of a presumably subsequent relationship with a DP that left her DS seemingly bereft.

Am I missing something?

Pan · 06/11/2011 17:15

One of the temptations of not dating whilst a parent is that it is quite easy to 'hide' behind the supposed needs of your children. As a nrp I was guilty of this for years - so that dd wasn't 'confused'. It takes a bit of bravery, and effort to shove yourself out there again.
And if one does follow such a policy, albeit possibly unconsciously, your then-adult children will wonder what a loon you were.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 06/11/2011 17:29

there is so much wrong with that i don't know where to start

Grin Custardo

Being careful who you introduce your children to and not moving people in quickly is sensible. As is being cautious of men actively seeking single mothers. Choosing not to have a relationship is extreme.

We model adult relationships to work to our children. It's good for them to see their parents in healthy, happy relationships.

As for the CRB stuff, meh. What everyone else has said.