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Original poster

I don't think single parents should date

210 replies

whatever117 · 06/11/2011 02:12

And I am one myself.

I had DS1 at 20 - I did date and subsequently married DS2's Dad and gained a wonderful DSD who is still with me.

I split up with DS2's Dad and kept all 3 kids.

Since then I have worked, looked after the kids, messed about with the dog, tried to keep the house and garden OK-ish.

I don't think the kids would appreciate a new face around. I do not know how I could incorporate it into our lives.

I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids?

OP posts:
StaceymAloneForver · 07/11/2011 11:11

i was a single parent, i dated (a few men over 2 years) eventually met DP, we got on very well, he didn't meet my kids for 6 months, after that time he was introduced to them slowly.

Now 2 years down the line we live together and he is the best father figure my kids could have.

use your common sense, dont just put your life on hold, if you're happy single then fine, but don't judge people who meet a new partner and fall in love :)

madam52 · 07/11/2011 11:15

Grin at Ohdoadmit 'leaving' NM.

I stayed misguidedly in a bad relationship with my DCs father till they were grown up 'for the sake of the children' and because i was shit scared of leaving him and now as adults neither of them (their choice) have any contact with him. Although he never physically abused them they were more aware and affected by his treatment of me and the atmosphere in general than I ever realised. I now have a lovely lovely new DH whom my grown up DCs adore and think of as their stepfather ( I only met him when both in their late twenties ). My daughter recently said how she had missed having a father figure - someone she could ring in the middle of the night without thinking twice about it in an emergency and she just knew he would come and get her (she did this recently to my DH when stranded on way back from holiday). In other words how nice it is to have a 'nice' father figure in your life to fall back on - who makes you feel safe etc. I often wish we had met years ago - he had been divorced fifteen years when we met - and my DCs had more history with him and time with him when they were young. You just cant basically tarnish every potential stepfather/new partner with the same brush. Even in todays society where we seem to have paedophiles or men with history of DV on every corner allegedly the good men and the good outcomes far outweigh the other sort surely. We have to be careful - yes. Totally disillusioned with absolutely everybody - no.

madam52 · 07/11/2011 11:19

Hullygully Grin Grin

phoenix2 · 07/11/2011 12:45

I am not in the best of form today but i completely agree that single mams should not date. Its just not worth taking the chance that someone is going to love your child even a fraction as much as you do. They won't - simple - and you'll spend the rest your life torn in two.
I had my dd when i was 20 and became single at 21 by 24 i met my now husband and we now have two children and it has been an unmitigated disaster for me and my dd. If i was 21 again i would enjoy my daughter and our life together and not mess it up by choosing the wrong man. Low self-esteem def had a part to play.

(like i said not in great form today!)

SuePurblybilt · 07/11/2011 12:55

I agree with Hully. I just keep mine for weeing now.

madam52 · 07/11/2011 13:01

Ahh Phoenix Sad. You are still very young and can still have a happy life. I know it is easier said than done but at your age you can definitely start over - on your own if thats what you prefer. Dont please stay in an unhappy situation for years and years and later look back with regret like I did. You never get those years back.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 07/11/2011 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pendeen · 07/11/2011 15:06

".. but I still don't think kids like to have a guy around .."

What???????? Shock

working9while5 · 07/11/2011 15:25

I don't know what I think. My parents split when I was 11, my mother was single really until I was 21 (though had a very active social life and I wonder if she was maybe less single than I was led to believe!). She did the internet dating thing for a few years, then met my stepfather. My sister was nearly 15 at the time. They got married after 2 years.

I will tell the truth, I suppose I am glad she didn't have a series of men around during my teens. I think I would have found it hard. I am also really, really glad she found someone later in life and is so happy with him. He is a great granddad to my ds, who is always bereft when he leaves..

So I suppose it doesn't have to be one or the other? I bet my mother was not living a lily white virgin lifestyle in my teens (much as I don't want to visualise it too much!) but she kept all of that out of our home until she met someone that she KNEW was a keeper. I know it can't always work out that straightforwardly, but I do feel very Sad for people who tell of mums with lots and lots of men involved during their teens. I'd have found that very lonely, I think.

fluffystabby · 07/11/2011 15:30

can somebody please enlighten me.

If a single parent never dates, how are they going to find out if a new man is going to be a keeper?

(Not going to argue over how long before they meet the kids, but the OP says never date)

SolidGoldVampireBat · 07/11/2011 15:38

Now I think that demonstrating to your DC that people can have lots of causal romantic relationships without growing an extra head or going mad is a really good thing to do. The more people give up on the idea that longterm heteromonogamy is the best or only way to live, the fewer shitty relationships people will trap themselves and each other in - and the fewer women, in particular, will rush headlong into commitment with arsehole men for the sake of not being single.

working9while5 · 07/11/2011 15:38

I guess in secret, fluffys!! My father would have had dsis and I every other weekend, so I guess my mother had this time.. and as we were older when she really started dating anyway, she would have gone out in the evening too but just never really told us what was going on. She is very involved in her professional union, but there can't have been that many meetings ;)
I suppose it was easier in my mother's situation where really by the time she was ready to settle, how he was going to get on with us was not going to an important a factor in deciding if he was a keeper as if you have younger kids etc...

fluffystabby · 07/11/2011 15:44

Working - sorry I wasn't clear - the OP says "not date"

At all

Ever

Even if you're kids don't know and you do it in secret that's not enough.

As a single parent, you should never ever ever date. Ever.

Hmm
Bugsy2 · 07/11/2011 15:54

I think I understand where the OP is coming from. I have been on stacks of dates in the last 8 years since ex-H left me. However, my children have only been aware of one date who turned into a relationship or a year or so.
I don't want my DCs to look back & think what a slapper their mother was (for in some people's eyes I might be Grin) so I keep my dates to myself!
I'm not sure I'd go down the CRB checking route, because I hope my intuition would lead to me getting a good idea of anyone I might introduce to the DCs.

fuzzynavel · 07/11/2011 15:58

I do understand what you're sort of saying too.

My life choice has been to have a boyfriend but not live together until my DS and his DC's are older/off our hands.

Maybe if my DS was younger (he's 13 nearly 14) I may feel differently but think that the teen years are hard enough without bringing in another adult.

I would also find it hard to allow someone else to chastise my child.

StaceymAloneForver · 07/11/2011 16:03

on the note of somebody else chastising your child. TBH i have no problem with anybody chastising my child, if my child is in the wrong, even if that person is a stranger.

Maybe i'm a mean mother Hmm

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 07/11/2011 16:32

Dating is entirely different from entering a serious relationship and it doesn't even mean having sex - it means going out on dates. I think that is perfectly fine and intend to give it a go myself when I feel ready, but I can see where OP is coming from about mothers who have strings of boyfriends staying over, never lasting long. Or a dad having strings of girlfriends. Must be very unsettling.

bitsnbobs · 07/11/2011 16:42

I can understand a bit. I don't think I could find the time/energy for a relationship at the moment and caring for the children. It would be nice to have someone to go out with once a week though for a meal and some romance! I was talking to a friend the other day who said she knew a woman who didn't date the whole time her children were growing up and now she is finding it hard to find anyone and is all alone. I don't want to turn into mad cat lady on my own Grin

northernwreck · 07/11/2011 17:23

Um. That's a bit all or nothing isn't it? I have "dated" a bit but never moved in with anyone, or had my son call anyone "daddy"!
You can have a love life without involving your children at all! (In fact it's quite nice..)

verlainechasedrimbauds · 07/11/2011 17:32

Umm. I think dating is fine. But... do children not ask where you are going when you go out? I went on a few dates (and am now with a very lovely partner) but my children always wanted to know where I was going and with whom!

Also, how can you know whether the person you date is "suitable" as a long term partner until after they have spent time with your children? Surely how they interact/get on with your children has quite a lot to do with it doesn't it?

My children were quite interested in my dates/friendships/occasional romantic attachments and wanted me to be happy.

northernwreck · 07/11/2011 17:44

verlaine-I just wouldn't involve my children in my love life at all, unless I really thought it was going to be a long term thing, possibly ending in marriage, at which point I would start inviting the bloke round in a casual way and see how it went from there. I just have never got to that point.
I am guessing your children are older than mine, cos ds is usually in bed when I go out!
Although if he was older and interested I doubt I would feel the need to fill him in on the details of my dating! None of his business if it doesn't affect him I reckon. Grown ups are allowed a separate life imo.

northernwreck · 07/11/2011 17:45

Also, you may not be looking for "a long term attachment"..you may just be looking for a good seeing to!

toptramp · 07/11/2011 18:28

Say I started dating again and chose the wrong man;again or it just didn't work out? Would it damage my dd? Er not really as long as the man wasn't an abusive man. I have learned a lot from my failed relationships.
I think that it is important to demonstarte to your dc that it is better to be alone than with the wrong person; a lesson which not every married couple is teaching their kids.

toptramp · 07/11/2011 18:36

I really don't see the problem with allowing nice boyfriends into your kids' lives. It's not like dads are not going to get new girlfriends and let them meet the kids is it?
I wouldn't have a problem with a dp chastising my child fairly; it takes a villiage to raise a child and all that.

toptramp · 07/11/2011 18:42

I don't care if my dd thinks i'm "a slapper". Does that mean a women who enjoys sex or who has multiple partners or what?
The truth is I have only had one dp since i've had dd. I was a complete "slapper" before!

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