I don't think single parents should date

[whatever117]

And I am one myself.

I had DS1 at 20 - I did date and subsequently married DS2's Dad and gained a wonderful DSD who is still with me.

I split up with DS2's Dad and kept all 3 kids.

Since then I have worked, looked after the kids, messed about with the dog, tried to keep the house and garden OK-ish.

I don't think the kids would appreciate a new face around. I do not know how I could incorporate it into our lives.

I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids?

You cannot outsource your responsibility for who meets your children to the CRB!

Sorry, I just nearly choked on my cup o' tea.

I appreciate life is tough for single parents, often, in many ways. But think about this from the long term view; my mum was widowed when I was 13 and brought us up with my nan from there on in. I'd have loved for her to meet someone else that cared for her, loved her and put her first. She never did, and her life is a lot harder now for it.

She faced cancer on her own (we cared for her, but it's not the same as a partner, is it?) and is now facing old age alone. My brother and I are there for her as much as we can be but now we have our own young families and homes to run and jobs to do it is getting increasingly hard to give her the time and cherishing she needs. I don't know how we'd manage if her cancer came back - we would and we'd care for her as much as she needed and more, but it would have a huge impact on our families.

Belledame- sorry, but there are some well researched stats showing the % risk of child abuse rises hugely when a man who is not a child's natural father is introduced to a household. After the Baby P trial there were a raft of reports quoting the stats to show how negligent the social workers were because it is such a known risk factor.

That is not to say that it doesn't happen within 'blood' families, as your case sadly shows, or that a single parent should date...just that the odds of it being 'as likely or not' with a step parent is not the case- it is higher.

OP, I agree with some of your sentiment. Obviously it didn't work for you, so you don't. I think I'd feel the same after your DS2s reaction.

However, if you have tried to vajazzle your dog, it's time to get a hobby at the very least...

I understand what you're saying OP. I have thought myself that if I were made single I wouldn't introduce another man into my or the dc's life. I realise that is probably easier to say in theory than it may be in practice but fwiw I feel as you do.

I have a friend who broke up with her husband, moved herself and her dc's in almost immediately with another man and lives to regret it now. I can see how sad she is about it and is sorry to have mixed dc's up in it.

Before anyone shouts I do know that that is a one off event and hundreds of people manage to work dc's and boyfriends very successfully and happily, but like the OP I don't think it would be for me.

shouldnt date

I understand what you're saying too OP - though I also understand why others are pissed off/incredulous! You must have known this would offend?

I always say that it wasn't my parents' divorce that damaged me and my sibling, it was what happened afterwards ie their choice in partners.

Nothing 'terrible' happened to me but it is one of those big fat lies that (some) parents say: 'My kids always come first'.

Well I have known many parents in the throes of a new relationship who make choices that are not in their dc's best interest including my own parents.

Most dramatically I know of a caring, loving mum who has shocked all that know her to the core by relocating to California without her 12 year old ds1, and with new man and new baby - this woman was such a committed single mum and has has been blinded, dazzled by love.

I'm a single mum, and I'm 20. I'll prepare myself to be alone for the next 70 years then shall I?

Like others have said, as long you don't go rushing into anything, what's the problem? I haven't dated anyone yet since being single, but have no Intention of another man meeting my DS for at least 6 months.

A happy parent makes a happy child.

Yabu OP .

After I divorced ex-h , I dated loads of men ( dated not shagged).

Only 3 met my kids.

1 of the blokes never as a boyfriend , but as someone we had bumped into outside the home.

The second one , they met with ex-h before I knew him. Ex sold him the contents of our house when we split . The guy had a furniture business and offered to give me the lot back for £50 , if I went out to dinner in a posh restaurant with him. ...lol he also offered to take me to genova and pay for me and kids to go to Disneyland in Florida with his sister and nephew .(he wouldn't be there as couldn't leave new business he was trying to set up ).

Third one was DH .... Kids met him in group of my friends , I wasn't even dating him then , he was just a friend ....eventually my kids said he should be my boyfriend ...cause they really liked him. So I married him .

How about this for a brainwave, be really choosy first time round and then you won't have to go through that angst.

droves Wonderful!

Proud , , my cousin did that to her dd .

Moved to Australia with her new dp and baby son.

Fucking bitch disgusts me ... But family think its ok because she face books her dd pictures of herself hugging her son , and their wonderful new life .

I'll sling my t'up'prth in.

I think dating with kids must be a minefield. Not from the new partner perspective but from the kids side.

I was picking through my 16yo's FB page (like you do when you are bored witless) and saw a convo with him and another biy of a similar age. The final comment by the other boy was along the lines of "I just fuck off all my Mums boyfriends so they leave her"

And I though "you nasty, spitful, jealous bit of work, you'd make your own mother unhappy just so you can have 100% of her attention".

On the other hand, I see a lot at work, where the mother choses the new boyfriend over the daughter and messes up the kids lives.

I know they are extreme cases, but I'd rather go it alone than deal with all that shit.

( chokes , spits breakfast over iPad)

Kerry ! , pmsl !

YABVU, you have to pick your relationships carefully. When my dad died at 11, my mum thought the same as you and refused to have a relationship because of me. I would have loved to have seen my mum happy. Not all men are paedophiles!

If your kids don't like having a man around, you have chosen the wrong one!

How about this for a brainwave, be really choosy first time round and then you won't have to go through that angst.

Seriously?!

People change - my DH certainly isn't the same man I got together with 15 years ago (and tbh I'm a different person too).

Yes, being choosy is a good idea - but it's no guarantee of everlasting happiness.

OP, YABU. Did you have a CRB check before you were introduced to your step daughter?

I speak as the widowed mother of two very young children. Caring for your children & ensuring their safety (emotional, physical, etc) and also having your own life and relationships should not have to be mutually exclusive.

Btw, the above does not mean I am currently dating....in the meantime, Kerry has it spot on

Droves - wow that's rough (not sure about calling her a fucking bitch however)

Kerry - ha, and indeed, ha!!!

DumSperoSpero my comment was very tongue in cheek. Which is my usual response to that level of op.

Alouisee, how very naive and unpleasant. Do you really think all single parents are alone because of something within their control, that is their fault? Jeez