Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think single parents should date

210 replies

whatever117 · 06/11/2011 02:12

And I am one myself.

I had DS1 at 20 - I did date and subsequently married DS2's Dad and gained a wonderful DSD who is still with me.

I split up with DS2's Dad and kept all 3 kids.

Since then I have worked, looked after the kids, messed about with the dog, tried to keep the house and garden OK-ish.

I don't think the kids would appreciate a new face around. I do not know how I could incorporate it into our lives.

I worry about kids who have "Mum's boyfriend" around the house - without a CRB check, who is in your house with your kids?

OP posts:
MrsTwinks · 06/11/2011 17:31

SparklyRedShoes I do agree that people should be more careful, and CRB might be a good idea, but just going on criminal record is really useless in the real world, as is judging people who might want to get to know you to get to your children. Obviously be careful about introducing and so forth but not having relationships because they might turn out to be pedophiles IMO is a step that isn't going to work in protecting your child.

I suffered abuse simliar to you, the person who abused me was abused by a step parent. Surely you would never think they could do it to someone else (and in my case switch gender with the abuse) let alone a blood relative as what happened to me. Of all the people I have met who have been abused, the majority were blood relatives, and how do you check those? Only 2 including the above example were not, and while both were step parents I know my SP friend who was abused by her stepfather wouldnt have your reaction because, like me, she knows so many who were abused by blood family. Anyone is capable of turning out to be an abuser, so while being vigilent is good, no matter how vigilent you are you aren't going to spot everyone unfortunatly.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 06/11/2011 17:31

Random 'to work' in there Hmm

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 06/11/2011 18:01

YABU

If you hadn't dated you would not have your dc2 + dc3

brianmayshair · 06/11/2011 18:04

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies but just wanted to say as the daughter of a mum who never dated, bloody hell i wish she would she has nobody else in her life now and she is driving me demented Grin and the guilt, where do i start with the guilt.

Bonsoir · 06/11/2011 18:12

YABVU.

Though I do think it is probably easier if all children in a family don't have different parents to one another. I find the logistics of a very straightforward blended family fairly time-consuming and really wonder how more complicated blended families manage...

madam52 · 06/11/2011 18:14

Chipping Booyou and Vajazzle Grin Grin Grin

You lot are nuts.

[ avoids making comment about OP as my children had several uncles ]

WibblyBibble · 06/11/2011 22:43

FGS. Do you also CRB check all your kids schoolfriend's parents in case one of them is an OMGPAEDO? Or your own friends who you might have to visit? Or their uncles? Most abuse is by biological relatives, not step-parents. I think my children are sane enough to be able to manage to meet people I am friends with, and I remain friends with most people I date, so not seeing how it's any different for them than meeting adult friends of mine. None of whom, to my knowledge, are OMGPAEDOS, amazingly...

exoticfruits · 06/11/2011 22:47

Some people want to Wibbly! There is a dreadful amount of fuss about allowing a 5 yr old to have tea with a school friend. I suspect they would have liked to know the parents for 3 yrs first, inspected the kitchen, seen the CRB and grilled the mother on her parenting philosophy! (I'm not sure what happens to common sense and personal judgement Hmm)

exoticfruits · 06/11/2011 22:48

I agree, brianmayshair,as an adult there is nothing worse than a mother who has 'devoted' herself to you and doesn't have a life-it is a real millstone.

manicinsomniac · 06/11/2011 23:04

I think YABU but I understand where you're coming from.

I think it depends so much on the individual and on their children.

Personally, I don't and will not date because I know that I'm a total disaster area when it comes to relationships - I have NEVER held down a long term relationship (or even a medium term - I think my record is 3 months!!) As soon as it gets to a stage where I am expected to get emotionally close to a man I freak out, clam up and drive him away.

I have two little girls who both have differing levels of emotional insecurity (due, I suspect, to living with their fucked up mother!) and I couldn't have them as bystanders in my trainwreck of a lovelife.

So I won't have one.

But many people successfuly date, meet a great partner and move on with their lives. Why not?

maypole1 · 06/11/2011 23:24

Well at least you have some in sight

TheSecondComing · 06/11/2011 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 07/11/2011 00:04

I see your point OP.

But obviously you're going to offend people.

Toplistmaker · 07/11/2011 00:13

I have been a single mother, I dated & met my DH who is a definite positive influence in my daughters lives and a fantastic step-dad, So yes, my dating did them good!

Obviously you take it slow and are careful, maybe you dont date if your child is very young or straight after coming out of a relationship, but not date ever again?? Very strange.

thegooseman · 07/11/2011 01:11

whatever117 go for it 007 you only live once, my xwife left me in 2007 she moved into the house a boy 22 within 4 months i have 2 boys 9/11 i am way over her but not the way she treets me what worries me is my boys future last week she got married to him oh she is 40 next year. I would love to find someone new or even go on a date would be good:)

thegooseman · 07/11/2011 02:47

whatever117 I should tell you moor of my life story no woman would want me when i tell you i am 45 i have been battling through the courts for years over contact with my boys. I was CRB checked as i was a leader for my local scouts would do everything for my kids all there clubs etc would volunteer my time to help at school and all there clubs, got good contact with my boys from the court. My x hated this then in Oct 2009 went to pick up kids for half term, going ok till my x came back to the car and said it was her weekend and my holiday starts at 10am on monday. I said no its as all the last holidays i would have them back on friday 7 days, she said no and started to drag kids from car i am not a violent man (i had to do all the running and fetching)or i would not see them i always back down ,then as i left i had to pull the car forward so i could reverce strate back as i went forward her boyfriend (see other thread) came forward and punched my car my kids saw all this i then went home,2 hours later that phone call police can you come in and see us i did i was arested for asalt and battery i said you car,nt be serious, oh they were to make it worse for me ,which i hate my x for she used my son as a witness against me. I will never forgive her for that so 3 against 1 you guest it. i got a fine and had to see someone once a month for a year i was asked why did i not show Empathy. would you! oh they day after i was arested i got a letter from a firm of solicitor,s saying he wanted money also no medical ev, the only Empathy i feel is for my children, who i am constantly told don,t want to see me by my xwife and the court i don,t belive them i have not see my children since then or spoken to them it has broken me. I feel sometimes i carn,t cope with it all,everything is such a battle for me my older son goes to school in my village 500m away it,s hard i would do so much with my kids. they have dropped out of all there clubs as have i and to top it all a few weeks ago i was at my local bus station when a bus knocked over an old lady know body went to help apart from me good job i know first aid. my son,s school has asked me if i am going to the play this will cause me a hugh problem i can feel it.What i would also say you,s your own judgement.

madam52 · 07/11/2011 09:42

the gooseman Angry on your behalf. Go to the play - seriously you must - and hold your head up and if they kick off at you in any way -ignore,ignore,ignore. Remember it takes one person to make a fool of themselves but two to make a scene. Also remember (your exw would do well to remember this also) that one day your children will be grown people with minds of their own and will hear your side of the story and make up their own minds about you. Good luck.

Whatmeworry · 07/11/2011 10:13

I'm not a single parnet, but with this approach, what do you do about your neeeeds iykwim?

Whatmeworry · 07/11/2011 10:13

parent

LEMONAIDE · 07/11/2011 10:18

So what happens when the kids move on and you are rattling about on your own?

I totally agree dating, where there is any involvement with the children, should be done with caution and they should not be introduced to a string of "boyfriends" but there is a whole lot of middle ground.

On the other hand if you are just not dating because you dont want to then fair enough, it is possible to be happy on your own BUT in this case you do need to have really good friends so that you have a life separate from being a parent.

QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2011 10:23

You know, I see where the OP is coming from. There has been an astounding amount of threads recently where there is a blatant disregards for the children, from single mums who just want to shag feel love and have a bloke in their lives and their homes.

I dont agree it is necessary to stay single for the rest of their lives, however, the women on those threads in question could do with a dating ban to be honest!

OhDoAdmit · 07/11/2011 10:43

I do not think that a man should be moved in within a few days.
I do not think that single parents should remain alone for ever.

There is an awful lot of room inbetween those two extremes.

Me and DD were big fans of the Trash Mags. Take a break, Love It etc. We used to read them when she was in hospital.

They were FULL of stories of women who met men in a pub, they moved in a week later, the children were abused, the women were Shock how did that happen to ME!

But there are thousands of 'blended' families who function beautifully and no one gets abused or neglected. How do they come together if single parents are not allowed to date?

I left got banned from NMs to get away from ill thought out, half baked, self congratulatory, martyr mommie threads.

Sigh

QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2011 10:48

It can work if people are sensible.

My friend is a very good example. Her dh has 3 children from his first marriage. His ex wife has 1 child with new partner. (now split) My friend has 2 children of her own with her husband (so he has fathered 5 kids). The three adults and these 6 children get along really well, and even do Christmas together. There is no jealousy, no issues. The oldest child has moved out, she is a student, the middle children are 16 and 14, and the parents have shared custody so they live one week here, and one week there. The parents live pretty close to eachother so they are in and out of eachothers houses all the time. The exs son is the same age as my friends son, and they are best of friends, even if they are not blood relatives, and go on sleep overs with eachother.

Stay123 · 07/11/2011 10:54

I think whatever117 has a point. Single parents should certainly be free to date when they meet someone nice but for gods sake be careful. I know of a case where the boyfriend deliberately targeted the women just to get to her children. He is in jail for it now but was abusing both the teenage son and daughter. If a man is that way inclined he will go for a single women with children. Obviously the number of men who do it is very, very small but it is something to think about.

Hullygully · 07/11/2011 10:55

Quite right.

Have yourself sewn up to be on the safe side.