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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to be made to feel guilty

194 replies

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 11:39

For wanting to go to Uni? I posted a while ago about not really being happy about where my life is.
So I took advice and I went to my local Uni open day to look at doing a photography degree. I loved it, everything about it, the campus, the tutors, the course, everything. The head of dept told us about the careers that graduates had now and it was amazing listening to how successful they are now and thinking that could be me one day if I worked for it.
So I got home and told DH and was met with nothing but negatives. 'Well you can't apply next year, DD is too little' (she would be one and a half if I got accepted) I said this is something I want and it's not like it's pointless, I could get an amazing career out of this and I don't want to be 30 before it all begins. I then get this reply which made me feel awful 'Well we shouldn't have had kids then' :( Is that what people would think? I just want a better life for us and I think this is the way to go, I don't see how it's any different to going back to work after having a baby.

OP posts:
fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 31/10/2011 11:41

It's great you want to do something. But uni will come with a serious debt. Is there anyway you can get practical experience and build yourself up from there? I'm not sure I'd want to fork out uni fees for photography tbh.

GypsyMoth · 31/10/2011 11:42

I took dd to an open day at a London uni on Saturday

I was wistful too!

Go for it. Or you will be like me one day! 42 and full of regrets.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 11:44

He's got a strange attitude that's for sure

But perhaps the fees etc have something to do with it?

Do you really need to go to Uni to learn photography?

NinkyNonker · 31/10/2011 11:45

I don't think I would incur Uni level debts for photography or the like, could you do shorter courses and build practical experience? Or look at the OU and work as well?

squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 11:49

You could get an amazing career, but there is also every chance you might not. Heck of a lot of unemployed graduates are already frantically hunting for jobs, and a career in photography is not really likely to earn you a vast amount of money. Can you afford the equipment you will need because believe me, it doesnt come cheap.

I am on your husbands side really. I have always believed that you do things in a certain order, and to me that is sort your career out before having a family, because once you have children their education and needs should come first.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 11:52

I've done the OU photography course already.
I definitely want to go to Uni to do Photography. As well and learning about photography there are amazing connections made while there, chances to assist with amazing photographers. It's a commercial photography degree so I need to learn all of that side of it.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 31/10/2011 12:01

Are you both financially able to afford this?

It really does need a thorough think through

To be fair to your DH, you've had the hard sell re the 'amazing' stuff but he hasn't.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:01

I know know how much photography equipment is, I've been doing it as a hobby for 6 years now. Not doing it because I might not get a career out of it seems a bit negative, if I don't try then I wont get anywhere. I want to do this so badly.

OP posts:
dawntigga · 31/10/2011 12:02

I'm on a foundation degree course and The Cub was about 1.6 when I started. Go for it, sounds like your partner is a bit insecure or concerned about something other than the actual course. Might be an idea to sit down with him and discuss it properly.

EnjoyingHerCourseTiggaxx

spookshowangellovesit · 31/10/2011 12:02

i am just about to finish my degree, i did it part time with the ou. you could do photography with them. but aside from any of that your husbands attitude stinks as does some of the peoples on here.
bettering your chances at a career through education is never a bad decision... is that what you will tell your children? dont go to uni because its too expensive and you probably wont get a job out of it any way.
also getting an education whilst having children is a positive thing for your children to see my 11yr daughter was so proud of me when i received my second diploma and i know she will be when i have finish and received my degree.
if your husband cant be supportive of you in this i would suggest you find another way to do it such as the ou or just tell him you are doing it with or with out his support. life doesnt stop just because you have children.
when they are a bit older you will be glad you have something you can use or build on.
good luck op.

cuttingpicassostoenails · 31/10/2011 12:02

I did a fine art degree in my fifties and have never regretted it. I did it part time over five years and enjoyed every minute!
I'm sorry your DH is not enthusiastic for you. You will need his support as a degree in any art subject can be a rather all consuming if you are really interested in the subject.

Best of luck.

StaceymAloneForver · 31/10/2011 12:03

i dont think its unreasonable and i don't think there is a set order life has to be done in. I had my DD when i was 17, so obviously i only had my GCSE's. Right now i am working as kiddies are small and DP's wage doesn't cover everything. but i would like to go to uni and i fully intend to when the children are a bit older.

Maqybe your DH is worried about the money? I think you need to talk some more tbh

spookshowangellovesit · 31/10/2011 12:03

x-post re ou sorry.

mjlovesscareypants · 31/10/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:06

The OU only does one photography course which I've done and passed. I loved it.
I dont think he's concern about money but more me doing my own thing, it's the way he said we shouldn't have had kids if I wanted to go out and get an education, it made me really upset :(

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 31/10/2011 12:07

It depends if you can afford it, and if you planned to be a SAHP when you planned your dd.

I can understand your DH not liking it if he doesn't like the ides of your small child going to nursery when he though you would be looking after her. Lots of people don't like the idea of childcare for children that age.

I can also understand if he is worried about the money it will cost if he is already the only earner.

spookshowangellovesit · 31/10/2011 12:09

really unpleasant thing for him to say french would have made me flip out and left a really unpleasant taste in my mouth. its not a case of one or the other, thats like saying you cant work if you want kids and is trying to guilt you into not doing what you want. life is to short.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:09

I think most people are thinking of portrait photography, which I agree, not much money in but I want to be a fashion photographer. One of the guys who graduated from the uni I want to go to is now working in New York as a top photographer, he got his connection from the uni because the teacher was an old friend of a photographer already over there and managed to get him an assistants job and now he's working for himself. That's just one example he gave of the amazing careers his old students have now. One has just been name the 4th most influential photographer in the world.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 31/10/2011 12:15

I don't think taking a cautious approach to incurring huge debt is a 'stinking' attitude. Although if you never earn over the threshold then you never have to pay it back. Have you approached any companies for work experience/internships etc? With children involved you do have to think a little more practically sometimes unless money is no issue.

frutilla · 31/10/2011 12:17

Maybe you should work out a plan that involves how much it's going to cost, how that cost will be covered, how you will plan childcare and what that will cost. And then present that to him. That way he will see you have thought it all out properly and are serious.

tabulahrasa · 31/10/2011 12:18

I think if you really want to do it you should go for it - but I have to say I'm really really glad I waited until mine were both at school before going to uni.

It's hard balancing stuff and really guilt inducing when you know you're doing it out of choice rather than having to go back to work to support them...

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:19

There's not any places around here that do the kind of photography I want to do, it's all family portraits. I have thought about it a lot. How it would affect the kids. I don't see how it's any different to me going back to work after having a baby. I never said I'd be a SAHM and DH knew I wanted to pursue this before we had DD so it's not like I just sprung it on him, as soon as I make any steps towards furthering my career he gets really arsey and negative about it.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 31/10/2011 12:27

His attitude is a different matter. I think caution is advisable but stamping on everything you want to do is not on.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 12:29

it's the way he said we shouldn't have had kids if I wanted to go out and get an education, it made me really upset

Put it into context though

You said I could get an amazing career out of this and I don't want to be 30 before it all begins

Perhaps he meant then you should have gone to Uni before having kids?

It's all well and good if you can afford the fees, equipment and childcare together...but if you can't, then I understand where he's coming from.

Add all that to every day living expenses and unless you've got a lot of savings, it's going to be hard surely?

Ciske · 31/10/2011 12:32

Never give up on your dreams.

However, if you have children and a partner, you need to consider their needs as well.

So I suggest you go through the following with your partner:

  • How will cope financially and practically while you study? What bursaries exist, what do nurseries/child minders cost, is your DH's wage enough (and is his job secure enough) to get you through those years? Does his job allow him to take on 50% of the housework so you can study, or will he need to cut back on his hours/ambitions?

  • You talk about living the dream as a fashion fotographer, but that will include years of hard work before it'll pay off - can you afford that? Are you willing to sacrifice time with your DD, and possibly having another DC, to put that much time and effort in a career? It doesn't seem like a 9-5 job to me and you seem intent on going full out to achieve success.

  • What happens if the fashion fotography doesn't lead to a job - are you likely to find something else in that field or is this a very risky investment? Ask the universities for all the stats, not just the good ones: how much % of their students are out of a job, how many not working in their field, how many earn below the average graduate income and how many above. So far they've tried to blind you with their success stories, but you need to be more savvy and ask for the whole story.

Also, your posts sound like you've got your heart set on the glamour and success. You might become a world famous photographer, but it's far more likely that you will have to settle for a more modest scenario and income. How will you feel about this, is it the dream or nothing, or can you see yourself compensate? If you want your DH to feel comfortable with this, you need to show you've thought about all the scenario's and aren't setting your family up with a huge debt and possibly major disappointment down the line.