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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to be made to feel guilty

194 replies

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 11:39

For wanting to go to Uni? I posted a while ago about not really being happy about where my life is.
So I took advice and I went to my local Uni open day to look at doing a photography degree. I loved it, everything about it, the campus, the tutors, the course, everything. The head of dept told us about the careers that graduates had now and it was amazing listening to how successful they are now and thinking that could be me one day if I worked for it.
So I got home and told DH and was met with nothing but negatives. 'Well you can't apply next year, DD is too little' (she would be one and a half if I got accepted) I said this is something I want and it's not like it's pointless, I could get an amazing career out of this and I don't want to be 30 before it all begins. I then get this reply which made me feel awful 'Well we shouldn't have had kids then' :( Is that what people would think? I just want a better life for us and I think this is the way to go, I don't see how it's any different to going back to work after having a baby.

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 12:58

Realistically, your chances of becoming a top fashion photographer are very very low. I am not trying to shatter your dreams, but I do think you have to face reality here. It is an extremely difficult market to get into, even with the best connections, and to become one of the best you need thousands of pounds worth of equipment, and you need to be able to go all over the world. Can you really commit to that?

I wanted to be a photographer and spent two years at college after doing a two year course while I was at school. I was single, with money, but even then the professional equipment needed was way out of my reach. I ended up doing 20 years of payroll management. Nowadays with digital photography the number of photographers looking for jobs is even greater, and if you look on any of the specific photography sites you will see hundreds of graduate trainees who are begging for work, willing to work for free and desperate for a chance. Can you afford to do all that.

I still do my photography, I make a small amount of money out of it.. and I know quite a few professionals, who would agree that it is a very hard job to make much money out of these days unless you are one of the elite few.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:58

I have two DCs, one is 4 and the other is 6 months.
I understand that it will cost money, I have looked into help with childcare, and costs. I don't have to pay it back until Im earning over a certain amount and then when I am, I'll have enough to pay it back. I don't expect to go to uni then become a top photographer the next week. When I finish my degree DD will be school age, both children will be in school.
With DH I just feel that he'll always be saying 'Now isn't the right time' 2 years ago when I wanted to apply it wasn't the right time because DS wasn't in school yet.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 31/10/2011 12:59

Can you afford it? That is the ultimate question.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 13:01

I can vouch for Squeaky's photography, it's brilliant Grin

wordfactory · 31/10/2011 13:02

squeaky there are never any guarantees in this life, but should stop us going for it?

To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert : everyone says there are no affordable apartments in NYC, yet every day someone finds an apartment they can afford.

Sometimes you just have to believe that you will be the one. Everyone who has ever become successful in a competitive industry has had to take the risk.

rainbowinthesky · 31/10/2011 13:02

There is no way I'd agree to dh doing this. He is the only one workign and you want to acculmulate a massive amount of debt with little chance of being able to pay it back at the end. To be fair your youngest is only 6 months old, I can see why he wondered why you didnt go to uni first.

NaughtyBusterAndTheBumFactory · 31/10/2011 13:03

I think you should go for it. I like your positive attitude. People are successful because they are brave enough to go for it.

Someone gets those great jobs, why can't it be you? And if you don't, at least you tried.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 13:04

When I had DS I wasn't old enough to go to uni.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 31/10/2011 13:05

naughty I agree.
We tell our DC to be positive, to think big, to challenge themselves. And yet we don't have the same expectations of ourselves?

That can't be right can it?

rainbowinthesky · 31/10/2011 13:06

It's all very well taking a risk but not a risk that is highly unlikely to be a success and will end up putting her family in thousands of pounds of debt.
Sorry, you sound very naive.

helenthemadex · 31/10/2011 13:07

he said it's because he doesn't want DD in nursery. He has a point, obviously so I ABU, thanks for all your replies

if you agreed before having your children that you would be a SAHM then you abu moving the goalposts

you are not however being unreasonable in wanting to follow your dreams and I would always say to do that, there cant be much worse than being old and wondering 'what if'. I started my midwifery at Uni in my 30's the same day my youngest started school, I had always wanted to do it but life and family meant it wasnt possible when I was younger. I was lucky I had the support of my husband and a lot of family support and boy did I need it

I totally agree with Ciske advice and suggestions, there are I would imagine very few courses at university now that offer guarantees of jobs especially the sort you are seeking, but it is possible

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 13:08

There's a big difference between 'chasing your dreams' when you've got no responsibility and chasing them when you have 2 children, rent/food/gas/leccy/childcare etc etc....and one person earning all the money to fund that.

Then expecting that person to also fund thousands of pounds worth of equipment and Uni fees when you don't have any guarantee you'll be able to get a job at the end of it.

Alouette · 31/10/2011 13:08

You do not need to go to university to do a degree in photography. My DD had a creative friend who did photography a-level at school, left and now is running a business off of a Facebook fanpage. She advertises her photography in her facebook albums and runs a website. She is not making mega money at the moment but enough to pay her rent and to go out which is all she needs as as she is only 18 but give her a few years and she'll have a very tidy little business going.

Especially as you have a partners wage to support you, I would use the skills you've got already- maybe take an art foundation in photography to build up a portfolio (year long course that is done part time at college) and try and do things this way. You can fit it around your children and compliment your income.

Although I feel for you completely, I don't think uni is a viable financial option for someone with children, and your husband is right in saying that you should have done this first. I think you can live your dream and do photography as a career, but I don't think a full time uni course makes sense when you have little ones. Maybe when they're older perhaps?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 13:08

rainbowinthesky
So what should I do instead? Not go to uni, wait until the kids are at school then go and get a job somewhere where I will hate every single day and wish I had at least took a chance on doing something I'd wanted to do for a long time?

OP posts:
LadyEvilEyes · 31/10/2011 13:10

If you can afford it, of course you should go for it.
And there's nothing wrong with your ambitions when you finish the course.
But IMO, to be one of the top photographers such as you describe,is a bit unrealistic.
There will be huge competition and travelling round the world the way you describe will affect your family life big time, even if you got that far.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 13:11

Yes, I would wait until the kids are at school personally....or at least talk this out calmly again with your DH...perhaps having written out all the facts and figures money wise?

Oh and 30 is not old so why are you against reaching that age without a degree in photography?

Ciske · 31/10/2011 13:12

FrenchRuby - if your DH feels stuck in his job but feels there is 'no point' in changing, then there might be something else the issue here. It sounds like he might be a bit jealous of your passion and ambition, frustrated because he can't have that (or thinks he can't) and that, if he lets you follow your dream, it will definitely stop any chance of him getting out of the rut. Seeing your enthusiasm may have hit home a few hard truths that he finds difficult to face, and the nursery thing might be the easy excuse because he can't explain the real reason.

My advice is to sit him down for a conversation and suggest you talk about what you both want, and how you can achieve it. Say you want this about supporting his dreams as well as your own and that, having found your passion in life, you understand why he would want to do the same.

Perhaps the sensible course of action is that you first work (part-time) a few years to save up for the course, and then, when you've passed, make a slower start in your career so he can retrain or apply for different jobs. Having DCs might slow down how fast you go, but it shouldn't change the direction you want to go in.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 13:12

Thank you for your advice aloulette I have been looking into other options too, City and Guilds for example. This whole thread to begin with wasn't about whether I could afford it, I was angry about being made to feel guilty about wanting to go to uni and have a career.
I never said I was going to be a SAHM it just kind of went like that when I got made redundant when I was pregnant with DS.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 31/10/2011 13:12

But you've just had a baby so obviously werent planning this a few months ago. THere are more choices than either do the photography or nothing. Most people have to start at the bottom when they start out. It's rare to walk straight into a job you love.
You havent said how your dream will be paid for. I can understand not wanting to pay for someone elses dream. Your dh must be earning a fantastic amount.
Can you not get a job now and start to work towards a career? That's what most people do.

spookshowangellovesit · 31/10/2011 13:13

worra...thats what being in a partnership is about though right? you do things for your partner and they do things for you. you both make sacrifices over the course of your lives together for each other. also does earning the money mean he get the only say in how their lives go? if she does this potentially she could be earning more than him.

rainbowinthesky · 31/10/2011 13:14

I have a good career and it's taken years to achieve this (I had my first child young). I had to wait for my second child till my eldest was 8 so had a chance to begin and build up my career.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 13:15

spooks He's a Store Manager...not CEO of Microsoft.

I agree it's a partnership but there's only so much one can do on one wage with a family of 4.

rainbowinthesky · 31/10/2011 13:16

A store manager of a supermarket can easily earn 100K. If that's the case then childcare and fees should easily be affordable.

wordfactory · 31/10/2011 13:18

But the op isn't working now, and the uni fees won;'t be needed up front...so apart from child care (which can sometims be subsidised) this family will be no worse off financially.
An dif her dreams come to nowt, she won't have to pay back her loan.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 13:18

rainbowinthesky I have been planning this for years but it's always 'the wrong time'.
I will have to get a student loan which I can pay back when Im earning over a certain amount (Im sure that's what I've read) and there are grants available to parent students for equipment and childcare.

OP posts: