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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to be made to feel guilty

194 replies

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 11:39

For wanting to go to Uni? I posted a while ago about not really being happy about where my life is.
So I took advice and I went to my local Uni open day to look at doing a photography degree. I loved it, everything about it, the campus, the tutors, the course, everything. The head of dept told us about the careers that graduates had now and it was amazing listening to how successful they are now and thinking that could be me one day if I worked for it.
So I got home and told DH and was met with nothing but negatives. 'Well you can't apply next year, DD is too little' (she would be one and a half if I got accepted) I said this is something I want and it's not like it's pointless, I could get an amazing career out of this and I don't want to be 30 before it all begins. I then get this reply which made me feel awful 'Well we shouldn't have had kids then' :( Is that what people would think? I just want a better life for us and I think this is the way to go, I don't see how it's any different to going back to work after having a baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:32

I didnt think it would be easy, but surely going to uni so I can get a good job so my kids can have a good life is a good thing?

OP posts:

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 31/10/2011 12:32

But even if you do get a degree how are you actually going to fit being a fashion photographer around your family? Very very very few people make a career out of that. Again, I don't want to rain on your parade but I do think you're chasing a pipe dream.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 12:33

I didnt think it would be easy, but surely going to uni so I can get a good job so my kids can have a good life is a good thing?

But can you afford it realistically?

Do you have savings?

Will he be the only earner during that time?

TheOriginalFAB · 31/10/2011 12:37

Would you be okay with doing the course and then not getting a big career out of it?

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:37

I have thought it through, I know I might not get the job I want but I have to try right? I've looked into ( and told dh) what help we can get money wise. I've told him how it'll work around our everyday life (getting DS to school and getting DD to nursery).
Maybe everyone's right, I should just wait until DCs are grown up.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 12:40

And does your DH disagree with what you told him?

I mean does he think it won't work money and child wise?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 12:41

Is he worried about the money or is he one of these men who think that women aren't people, and now you have a baby you should become a domestic servant? If it's the former, he may have a point - have you worked out how you will afford the course? If it's the latter, you need to put your foot down now about the fact that you remain a person and you have a right to a life of your own just as much as he does.

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:43

he said it's because he doesn't want DD in nursery. He has a point, obviously so I ABU, thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:

camdancer · 31/10/2011 12:43

There are two questions here. Is your partner just being an usupportive arse because you want to do this course and have this career dream? Or would be he unsupportive whatever you decided to do?

If it's the first, then I think you need to have a sit down talk with him and find out why he doesn't like that career. Personally it doesn't sound like a terribly family friendly career at all. All hours, lots of travel etc. Maybe he doesn't want to be stuck at home while you are working here, there and everywhere. It works for some people, but maybe he doesn't want that.

If it's the second then you have a bigger problem. Maybe somewhere like relate could help.

tabulahrasa · 31/10/2011 12:44

Surely it's not go now or go when they're grown up?

If you waited 2 years to go wouldn't your DD be in nursery anyway?

KatieMortician · 31/10/2011 12:45

If you can afford it do it. I'm just finishing my masters, DS was 18mo when I started.

I did a full time course so it was really, really intense and I won't be doing it again but glad I did.

spookshowangellovesit · 31/10/2011 12:45

you could get no where with this and maybe you should just do a nice safe teaching/soul destroying degree. or you could take the risk and make it or take the risk and end up somewhere completely different you dont know but you shouldnt not do it just because it might be difficult/financially challenging, you should do it because you want to its really that simple.
(disclaimer not saying that a teaching degree is soul destroying to everyone but lots of people do that kind of degree thinking its a sure fire safe career earning descent money and end up miserable, i know at least 3.)

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 12:45

he said it's because he doesn't want DD in nursery. He has a point, obviously so I ABU, thanks for all your replies.

Hmmm bit simplistic really

Are you sure it's not the ridiculous price of rents/mortgages/gas/electric/petrol/food and childcare etc?

If it's just the nursery thing then he's being an arse...though I'm surprised you've only just mentioned it now.

Ciske · 31/10/2011 12:46

Another thing that could worry your DH are his own dreams and ambitions. If you go to uni for years and then have to work towards a career while the family repays debt, that puts the onus on him to stay in a stable, reliable job during that time. Is there anything he wants to do, where does he see himself and the family go? Is he happy in his job or does he have similar hopes about retraining and following his dreams?

This conversation will have to be about both your hopes for the future and how you can plan them around your family.

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:49

I dont want to get to 50 and think 'What if?'
This is something Im extremely passionate about. My sister in law was saying the other day that when Im taking photos (I do a lot of shoots for her because she wants to be a designer) Im a completely different person, Im so happy and really positive and energetic.

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 31/10/2011 12:49

YABsomewhatU. Assuming the university will still be there in another year, I agree with your DH that your DD is still little and it would be preferable for you to wait another year before she goes to full time nursery so you can return to school.

wicketkeeper · 31/10/2011 12:51

OP - I am so sorry that he was so negative. What a shame you weren't able to have a sensible discussion as two responsible adults. The problem now is that whether or not he's right that going to uni is not such a good idea, you will blame him for the fact that you didn't do it. If you don't do it.

I think you need to get him to explain exactly what he really meant by that comment. And I think before you do that you need to be armed with all the information available re costs, time, future earnings and so on. I agree with earlier posters that jobs in photography may not be so easy to get - but jobs in any industry are hard to get at the moment, and if photography is something you love and are good at you stand a chance. Someone's getting them, and it could be you. And having any degree is better than not having one - even if you end up not working in photography, your earning potential will be higher if you have a degree. Only you can weigh up the pro's and con's.

And forget all this rubbish about having your career before you have kids. If only life was that simple. I've had three careers (insurance negotiator, teacher, and now a company director), 2 kids and 3 step-kids. I did the insurance exams before I had kids, took my degree through the OU while my own kids were little (and worked part-time), did post-grad qualifications when my youngest started school, and now I'm a grandma I've just embarked on a 6 month accountancy course. You can do it - you just have to really really want to do it. I remember someone asking me where I found the time - I hit the roof and explained that I didn't find the time, I freaking well made the time.

And remember - it would be nice to have his support, but you don't actually need his permission.

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 12:51

ciske I think it is a bit about that. He said he's stuck doing what he's doing forever (He's a store manager). I told him (before I mentioned going to Uni a while ago) I didn't mind going to work if he wanted to go back to college and do what he wanted to do but he just said 'no point' and wouldn't talk to me about it anymore.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 31/10/2011 12:52

I think that not going to Uni because he doesn't want you to put DD into nursery is silly. But I also think 'I really want to do this' doesn't work when there are two of you and a DC to consider.

1.5 is not 'too little' for nursery - but how will you pay the fees?
I believe you that this is the perfect course for what you want to do, no problems with that - but how will you pay the fees?
When you graduate you will have to do internships, shadowing, running and photographer's assistant jobs, which usually pay nothing - how will you manage financially during this period?

Honestly, if this is your dream job then I think you should go for it - but 'going for it' includes planning how to pay for it.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 31/10/2011 12:54

FFS of course you shouldnt feel guilty about going to uni because you have a young child.

Go for it. I wish so much I had done fashion or dance or something arty. I didnt. I love my work but there is always something missing.

If you CAN then DO.

I think if someone has the resources to go they should. I never really did. I dont resent those who do but I think they are mad if they dont take advantage of the change (did that make any sense?)

You may find it easier when you DD is bigger though. But then, once she is in school you are tied down by school runs so it might be easier now.

I doubt you will be at the University for 40 hours a week will you?

DO IT WOMAN!

wordfactory · 31/10/2011 12:55

I don't think you're being silly at all to want to pursue your dream just because you have DC.
I did and my life has never been better.

That said, if you and your DH had always agreed that FT child care would not be right for your DC, then it will be difficult to pursude him that you have a had a change of heart and so should he.

spookshowangellovesit · 31/10/2011 12:55

french dont let anyone take it away from you, some people are way to afraid to chase their dreams. if you have the balls to do it not only is that rare but to have the gift of time to be able to do it is an opportunity you should not pass up.
listen to people if you sister says that she is prob right, you daughter is important to you obviously but it is obvious that she isnt enough to fill you up and that is nothing to be ashamed of (i am the same i need more outside of my children and family life). you obviously want more for yourself and vicariously your family.
you have found your passion follow it, most people dont.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 12:56

No disrespect but if he's a Store Manager I'm not surprised he's not too keen on this.

Unless he's being paid an amazingly large wage, it does sound as though it's probably the cost of the course, equipment and childcare that's scaring him.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 31/10/2011 12:57

I went to uni to do my undergraduate degree when DS was 2.5 yrs old as a LP.
I went to uni to do my PGCE when DD was 1.
I'm now doing an MA through the OU and they are 12 and 5.

Your children are never too old, or too young. If you can afford it. Do it.

Sometimes DPs can feel threatened, I think, and take it as a sign that you are dissatisfied with your life.

Do the research, find out what you will be entitled to regarding help with fees and extra grants as a parent (if they still exist!), find out if your uni has a nursery (many do now).

Can you do it part time?

rainbowinthesky · 31/10/2011 12:58

I can understand his view. He will be paying thousands and thousands for a course and childcare with no promise of a well paid job at the end for you.

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