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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to be made to feel guilty

194 replies

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 11:39

For wanting to go to Uni? I posted a while ago about not really being happy about where my life is.
So I took advice and I went to my local Uni open day to look at doing a photography degree. I loved it, everything about it, the campus, the tutors, the course, everything. The head of dept told us about the careers that graduates had now and it was amazing listening to how successful they are now and thinking that could be me one day if I worked for it.
So I got home and told DH and was met with nothing but negatives. 'Well you can't apply next year, DD is too little' (she would be one and a half if I got accepted) I said this is something I want and it's not like it's pointless, I could get an amazing career out of this and I don't want to be 30 before it all begins. I then get this reply which made me feel awful 'Well we shouldn't have had kids then' :( Is that what people would think? I just want a better life for us and I think this is the way to go, I don't see how it's any different to going back to work after having a baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 16:04

The OU only offer a 15 point short course on photography which was about 9 weeks long. Not a degree.

OP posts:

HerdOfTinyElephants · 31/10/2011 16:14

I don't think you sound really selfish at all. You get one life and I don't think it's unreasonable to want to pursue a career that stimulates you even if you had children young, provided you are realistic about the practicalities and finances of it.

What was the OU course like, by the way?

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 16:15

It was really good, very interesting. I've done a few OU courses, I love studying with them, if they did a full photography degree I'd definitely do it with them.

OP posts:

screamingbohemian · 31/10/2011 16:19

Oh that sounds like a good deal you've made -- are you feeling better about it?

I don't think anyone here thinks you're selfish! Not at all. Just worried you may start down a path that isn't as great as the programme guy made it sound.

Good luck with everything

moogyboobles · 31/10/2011 16:20

Thank you Vivipru for the mention (I don't google myself...I just noticed on my website stats)!
I'm probably not living the life you aspire to though. I'd earn more in asda and regularly do 100 hour weeks! I'll get there one day I hope. I turned my hobby into a business because I have an autistic son, normal jobs requiring regular childcare not an option right now. So it's lucky this is what I love.

Although I do hope to return to uni one day too and finish my Physics degree. Probably when mine have grown up!
There are many opportunities to study at workshops with experienced photographers too, not just uni. But they are quite expensive. But uni or college do have the advantage of being able to use equipment before you can afford it. Especially if you want to do fashion.
Sometimes the odd freebie can come along...there is a day of talks on the 9th at the Apple store on Regent's Street.

wordfactory · 31/10/2011 16:24

Op I don't think you sound selfish.
But then I don't think it's encumbent upon women to subsume all their desires simply because they have DC.
These things are always a balance.

SkinnedAlive · 31/10/2011 16:26

If this is your passion in life, then it shouldn't matter if you will get an amazing job at the end of it, you do it for your personal fulfillment first and foremost. I can't see that that clashes with being a mother, and if it is your first degree then you will get help with fees, loans etc.

I gave up EVERYTHING to go back to uni for my passion. It has not worked out. I may be homless in a few months. But I have NO regrets :)

Life is too short, you cold be hit by a bus tomorrow. Its your only life, go live it.

spookshowangellovesit · 31/10/2011 16:27

sounds like a good compromise op. you happy?

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 16:29

I am, I think it's better because I wouldn't have to miss much of dd's baby years (C+G is 1 day a week)

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 31/10/2011 16:38

Brilliant.

MrsBradleyJames · 31/10/2011 16:43

FrenchRuby, good for you - sounds a really good idea re the City and Guilds first. My mum did her degree when me and my brother were in school. It was brilliant for us because what a fantastic example to see and hear your mum at that stage of life. for many kids, education is something their parents did in the dim and distant past and I think it's great if they can actually see you do it and see what value you put on educating yourself!
Doing it when kids are at school rather than nursery may be good too - nursery costs and school is free!

Appuskidu · 31/10/2011 17:15

Can I just ask, if I was looking to do a degree in another area say something that would enable me to become a teacher or something, would people's opinions be different?

Going back to this point. I wouldn't recommend anyone went into teaching at the moment either; there are very few jobs out there!

WilsonFrickett · 31/10/2011 19:29

Brilliant OP, I am really pleased you've found a way forward. C and G will give you time to look at other things as well. Just a thought, but for example there are usually very good, free 'start your own business' workshops and evening sessions at your local chamber of commerce. If you want to work for yourself, no harm in skilling up on the practical side of things as well - marketing, pricing, networking, etc.

nailak · 31/10/2011 19:39

i think it is important that the mother is happy and fulfilled as that contentment reflects on the mood and manner the mother has with the child and in the home.

Are you sure that full time uni will actually have that many teaching hours? as sometimes it only ends up 2 days a week, so maybe you want to check that.

Also to help with funding, i am not sure where you live, but muslim and asian communities are always looking for decent female wedding/event photographers and it can be quite profitable, so if you were prepared to work a few weekends a month you could be paid £2-5 a weekend

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 19:41

FrenchRuby - that's great news.

I don't think you are selfish, not at all. I will admit it did sound like you were being very very unrealistic when it came across as you only wanting to be A Top Fashion Photographer, but now that you have explained that that wasn't quite what you meant, it sounds a lot more do-able. Though I still think you need to be quite realistic about whether you can make a career out of it or not.

I can see where you are coming from with how your Mum was and how you don't want to be like her and it's obviously playing a part in how you are now, but just remember that not doing a degree this minute doesn't mean you wont ever do one - or that you'll waste your life watching daytime TV. It's impressive you are going the opposite way to your Mum and not the same way.

It's good that you want to make your kids proud and support them - at some stage you may have to consider if photography can do those things for you, but not right now. For now you are going to be a SAHM with DD (& DS) and do your C&G - that's enough to go on for a bit isn't it :)

One smalll thing.... are you happy with the financial arrangement you have with your DH? You have said a couple of things that got my heckles up a bit - the second one being 'He has said he will pay for this' - if you are staying home looking after the children so he can work - it is just as much your money as his (IMO) and it's up to you as a couple to decide how family money should be spent - not for him to dictate... maybe it's something you need to think about and maybe it's contributing to you not being a very happy SAHM right now... just a thought.

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 31/10/2011 20:18

He uses his wages for bills and rent and I use my CTC for food shopping and the kids stuff (milk clothes etc) this suits us because I am terrible with money and remembering to pay the bills so he just has it all come out of his account. It's just easier haha.

OP posts:

kiwimumof2boys · 31/10/2011 21:49

I'm currently doing Uni by distance which is great Meant to be doing an essay instead of going on mumsnet and good on you for wanting to go back.

But - I haven't read the whole thread and don't know a lot about photography (though have known people who are) so sorry if this has already been covered - What are the job prospects like ?
A lot of photographers work very long (18 hour days ) at fashion shoots, weekends (weddings, social stuff) and late nights (music gigs, fashion shows etc).
this might not be entirely compatible with your family iyswim ?

laptopdancer · 31/10/2011 21:53

My only qualms on this would be knowing what stinking lies they tell people at Uni open days.

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 31/10/2011 22:26

YANBU
My parents both worked and did degrees (at polytechnic) after my sister and I were born.
My DW's mother did a teaching qualification and massage qualification as a single mum with two girls.
It's not at all unreasonable for you to want to further yourself and improve your situation, and he should support you in that. Even if he doesn't think that this course right now is the right way to go about it, he should understand your drive to do it, and help you achieve it.

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