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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
prolificwillybreeder · 24/10/2011 07:53

I think you probably already know you are definitely NBU.
That is not normal behaviour.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 24/10/2011 07:55

YANBU

Very controlling, I wouldn't like this at all. I would walk away tbh.

Basically he doesn't trust you not to go off with some one else I think. IME it is always cheaters who think you cheat, but this does go deeper than that from what you have said.

prolificwillybreeder · 24/10/2011 07:56

I'm so sorry you are for want of a better word having to deal with this.
People who actually know what they are talking about will be here soon to advise you of what to do.
If it were me I would end it on those grounds alone. However I don't think he would go down without a fight as it were from what you have said.
Does he scare you?

MamaChoo · 24/10/2011 07:58

You're trying to hide the fact you are going out from him? Does that even sound healthy?

colken · 24/10/2011 07:58

Get rid of him. You are not living together and he's like this. What will he be like if you were to live togeteher? Far worse. I say again: Get rid of him.

TheOriginalFAB · 24/10/2011 08:01

I think you need to get out of this relationship right now.

PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 08:01

No, he's not normal. Get rid of this one.

Dozer · 24/10/2011 08:03

Controlling. Obviously. Making it hard for you to go out and monitoring you is a red flag. As are the sulkiness when you defy him and disrespecting your wishes. He is not "insisting" he is ignoring your wishes and imposing his presence when it isn't wanted. And interrupting your time with friends is also a red flag.

You might get helpful advice from the relationships section: lots of people may say run for the hills (I'm one of them), others may suggest putting your foot down and giving him a chance.

Does he do anything else controlling? Have you already amended your behaviour for him, eg going out less? Does he make disparaging comments about other women?

Morloth · 24/10/2011 08:03

Cut him loose.

It shouldn't be so hard.

FreudianSlipper · 24/10/2011 08:04

this is just the start

break away from this relationship while you can, you will not be able to reason with him when his behaviour becomes more extreme and it will and you will find you will become more dependant on him which is what he wants, he will chip away at your confidence until you find you are questioning yourself can you be without him, you can so please break away. you will miss him, no doubt he will be very sweet to win you back but this is not love it is the start of a controlling relationship that will end up making you very very unahppy

ihatethecold · 24/10/2011 08:05

This situation wont get better!
End it before you stop going out because you cant be doing with the hassle!
He wont change

noir · 24/10/2011 08:19

My auntie has been with a man like this since her 20s, by the age of 30-35 he'd worn her down so much that she basically stopped going out and lost all of her friends. We're a big female family and I think she thought she wouldn't miss her friends cos she has us lot, but in her 40s she would attend fewer family birthdays and hen do's etc as she couldn't relax, he'd text her constantly, interfere with taxis/ getting home arrangements etc. Now in her 50s she recognises that she has wasted the best years of her life being controlled by this jealous, controlling man. He's got her right where he wants her, he cheats on her and she takes him back because over the years he has engineered a situation where he is the only thing shes got. He is financially controlling too, spoils her rotten but always discouraged her from pursuing a career so in order to maintain her lifestyle she is basically dependent upon him.

Don't sleepwalk into being my auntie.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 08:23

Have you asked him why he feels so untrusting? Has he perhaps had previous bad experiences - been cheated on / repeatedly lied to? My husaband was like this in the beginning. Fortunately we were often in a LDR (he was deployed with the armed forces) but he would text constantly and strop massively over the phone when I went out late (was fine when he did it though of course!).

Mine had been cheated on by 2 ex girlfriends and his ex wife. he had actually walked in on his ex with her lover while his child was in the next room crying.

We talked it through and I was very patient and reassuring with him. Always returned his texts, gradually encouraged him to go several hours between texts, built up the trust etc. It was laborious and irritating and my friends thought I was nuts but we have been married 3 years now and he doesn't bat an eyelid when i go out with the girls these days.

Its up to you if you think this guy is worth it. There is no obligation for you to be understanding. His behaviour is certainly totally unreasonable. BUT it doesn;t 100% mean he is some controlling psycho - it may just mean he is vulnerable and has been very badly treated and hasn't managed to deal with his issues. That in itself may be enough tio put you off at this early stage.

Perhaps before you write it off you need to try to get to the bottom of this - his crap about just being "protective" should be put to one side as it is patently an insufficient reason for his behaviour. Of course he may persist in his assertion he is just being "gentlemanly" at which point you have no choice but to move him along because he isn't being honest with you.

marriednotdead · 24/10/2011 08:29

Run. But before you do, make sure that he has not got a set of your keys. Tell your friends and family how he has been behaving. He will not go without a battle and if he doesn't succeed in sweettalking/bullying you round to his way of thinking, he will probably harass and/or stalk you.

I'm not trying to scare you but I've seen this happen too many times, including to my sis. Get your support in place and have someone with you/nearby when you dump him- in a public place, not your home.

Good luck, we're right behind you [hsmile]

seeker · 24/10/2011 08:34

AnD he is NOT your dp. He's a boyfriend. A partner is something completely different to this.

exoticfruits · 24/10/2011 08:43

I would finish it now-don't wait until he is a DP.

GalaxyWeaver · 24/10/2011 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icelollycraving · 24/10/2011 09:06

I feel for you. Don't just get keys back,change locks .Has he got friends etc of his own? If you want to stay with him,explore why his behaviour is like this. Tbh I have experienced a version of this. It doesn't stop.

larrygrylls · 24/10/2011 09:09

He is very controlling. I think that "get rid" is probably sound advice. His behaviour is not even on the normal spectrum.

I think "the rules" of a relationship are set very early. You should never have allowed him to pick you up the first time. If you decide to give him a chance, just be honest with him. Tell him he is not your father and you want a degree of autonomy within the relationship. If he says he is "worried", tell him that is his prerogative but it is his psychological problem and he needs to deal with it within that framework. Basically, explain calmly what you want to happen and say it is non negotiable. If he accepts it, maybe it is worth a try. If not, you 100% know what you need to do.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 24/10/2011 09:12

This is not normal behaviour.

Normal is "I will pick you up after your evening if you want me to, I worry about you." and then you say yes/no and he says "have a lovely time, maybe text me to let me know you are home safely".

What he is doing is controlling and if you dont even live together this will only escalate. Talk to him about his behaviour, if it doesnt get any better ditch him.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 24/10/2011 09:13

exactly what larrygrylls said.

harassedandherbug · 24/10/2011 09:22

That is very controlling behaviour, and he sounds very insecure.

If he's like this now, then you have to wonder how he'll be if the relationship progresses... Actually I can tell you because this was how it started with my xh. Then it progressed to violence, mental abuse and 15years of hell tbh.

Get out now is my advice. Make sure he doesn't have any keys to your house, he won't go without a fight.

Rollon2012 · 24/10/2011 09:25

Thats really sad noir :(

he asked you what you were wearing? get rid :O

girlywhirly · 24/10/2011 09:27

This guy is definitely controlling. Offering to pick you up is kind, saying that the offer is there if the lift falls through is kind. But harassing you while you are out by calls and texts, and lurking at your home isn't on.

Be grateful that he isn't concealing this behaviour until you are living together or married.

Do as marriednotdead says. Get the security stepped up on your home, change locks, keep windows locked when out, make sure you can see who it is at the door before opening etc. Get another mobile for friends and family to contact you on. Make sure that you retain any texts and voicemails as evidence if you need to get a restraining order in the future. Remember that more than two threatening calls is enough to get him a police warning.

eurochick · 24/10/2011 09:35

He sounds like a loon. Get rid asap. This is not the kind of behaviour that is going to get better over time, it is only going to get worse.