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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BustersOfDoom · 24/10/2011 11:26

Me too wannaBe. The OP was given exactly the same advice as this time.

LydiaWickham · 24/10/2011 11:32

I'd have dumped him after the first time.

You are in a relationship with a controlling man, you can either accept that, or dump him.

Don't think it'd suddenly magically get better, mainly because you've already proved on more than one occasion that you can't stand up to him. Think you need to be with someone who doesn't need to be stood up too.

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 11:33

Ionysis, you're being infantile and I can't be arsed with idiotic comment this morning. I think it's best I ignore your contributions on this issue completely from now on and instead suggest that you speak with Women's Aid and ask them their take on control and subsequent physical abuse.

DuelingFanjo · 24/10/2011 11:53

I remember your other posts too. You are lucky not to be living with him and the best advice is to end the relationship.

DuelingFanjo · 24/10/2011 11:54

ionysis,

the problem is the OP has posted this before. The behaviour is not normal and is getting worse. She's concerned about it and rightly so.

ShriekingLisa · 24/10/2011 12:07

My god ready the op gave me flashbacks....op are you seeing my ex Haha
Get rid he's a control freak and it will get worse. Wait till he wants to wait outside the club your In so he's there to pick you straight away.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 12:12

Ah of course! Women's aid, how could I forget - we should all have them on speed dial in case our husbands forget to take the bins out and we need emergency evacuation from the abusive home.

If the unreasonable behaviour is progressively getting worse then I agree it is possibly past the point of retrieval / not worth the effort.

OP, what do you see in him that makes you want to stay despite this admittedly unacceptable attitude he has?

ShriekingLisa · 24/10/2011 12:13

Ionysis.
You obviously have never being In a controlling relationship have you? Have someone read your messages before you do, tell you when you can go see your own parents then for him to ring your parenta house to make sure your there, that what my ex used to do. My dad used to get pissed off and tell him is ring him back lol. In the end when i was trying to find a way to finish with him i use to say i was at my dad having tea straight from work and he would ring 20mins after I finish work to make sure i was where I said I was bit in the last weeks i wasnt therr and my dad used to cover for me and say I was at my grandads giving him his tea, then my dad wpuld ask me when was I finishing him lol. My dad hated him he was a control freak.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 12:21

And he sounds utterly horrendous Lisa and I'm so glad you got out of that position.

I THINK though (correct me if I'm wrong) that thus far the only thing the OPs boyfriend has been funny about is her being out on the piss until the early hours of the morning? Not visiting her friends or seeing family or anything else?

I agree completely that his behaviour is a MAJOR red flag, all I'm suggesting is that she attempts to have a real heart to heart about it before binning him. If nothing else that may help her get closure on the relationship if and when she does decide to end it.

It may also help HIM to see how his controlling behaviour (possibly driven by massive insecurities) are ruining his relationships and he may be motivated to get some help for his trust issues.

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 12:33

Of course she could talk to him about it before dumping him if she wants to. But if she wanted to dump him without trying to work it out, she can also do that. Sometimes life is too short for dealing with dickheads with ishoos.
If she has been with him a while and they had been making plans for the future then it might be worth it. If its a relatively new relationship and he is already acting like he owns her then perhaps not much point stringing it out for longer.

MissJanuary · 24/10/2011 12:33

wannabe me too, its exactly the same - whether is true or not I say the same;

RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS

Do not let him take control - you take control now and tell him its over - he will not change, as much as he tells you he will. I've been there and got the t-shirt.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 12:41

Sometimes life is too short for dealing with dickheads with ishoos.

Thats why i asked her what she sees in him - if he has any redeeming features (kind to animals, helps old ladies accross the road, volunteers at the homeless shelter, enormous penis... that sort of thing).

Morloth · 24/10/2011 12:52

He doesn't need to be anything too terrible.

Right now, he is a boyfriend who is being a bit too much of a PITA.

That would be plenty for me to ditch him.

Like I said, too hard. Why bother when there are plenty of normal types around who won't want to know your every move.

DuelingFanjo · 24/10/2011 13:03

"Ah of course! Women's aid, how could I forget - we should all have them on speed dial in case our husbands forget to take the bins out and we need emergency evacuation from the abusive home. "

Fuck me, did you really just compare domestic violence and abuse to forgetting to take the bins out? You are really showing yourself to be a total ingnoramus aren't you. I hate these kinds of apologists.

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 13:06

Morloth, very good point in itself. What's the attraction in a control freak when there are loads of normal men out there indeed.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 24/10/2011 13:07

Run Rabbit Run Rabbit Run Run Run

Do you really really want to spend another minute being controlled like this?

Talk to him? Try to work it out? ???? WTAF

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 24/10/2011 13:08

If this Red Flag was any bigger you could turn it into a communal tent and invite us all to live in it.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 24/10/2011 13:13

You see that's it right there ionysis, you made an inappropriate comment on another thread this morning as well.

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 24/10/2011 13:15

oh and for good measure

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 13:15

Am slightly that the OP has not returned to this, her first post (at least her first under the name of CoffeeColdTurkey). I'm still not sure that the post I and others referred to upthread, where another poster reported a seemingly identical situation, was written by CoffeeColdTurkey or whether someone's using the information which was posted in the past for their own amusement tbh.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 24/10/2011 13:24

I thought that DBF, but I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she posted before work and didn't expect to get so many quick replies... maybe.... I didn't read the links.... so could be either of those options as well. There are so many girls/women 'in love' with complete arseholes & so many under bridge dwellers it's hard to know which one has posted...

gypsycat · 24/10/2011 13:25

Sounds to me like A) he wants to spend time with you and worries about your safety when you are out at the clubs by yourself. B) Probably gets tired sitting around until 2 am waiting for you to text to get picked up, and so starts bugging trying to get you to move along faster.

While irritating, I wouldn't say this is reason to dump him. Talk to him and tell him that you find his behavior a bit controlling, who knows perhaps this is what his last girlfriend expected of him. Perhaps he really likes you, wants to spend time with you and doesn't understand that you aren't on the same level yet.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 13:26

Well smack my ass and call me Charlie Shock.

I think the OP has got plenty of useful feedback on here. Let's hope she comes back and lets us know what she decides to do.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 13:30

OP, kick him to the kerb

Life is too short to be controlled by a man

To those saying "just talk to him, this may just be a little misunderstanding" you need to take a good long look at yourself

Why (I am looking at you Ionysis) are you quite insistent, everwhere you post on this board, on trying to convince people that being in a bad relationship is better than being in no relationship at all

that is a very, very poor message, and is certainly why one of the reasons why some people get into, and stay in awful situations