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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 24/10/2011 13:35

gypseycat - doesn't understand that you aren't on the same level yet ?? WTF so once she's 'on the same page' as him she shouldn't ever want to go out on her own with her friends? She should be thrilled at being picked up at 11pm? She's a big girl, until she started dating this git she had been going out and getting herself home safely for quite some time - she doesn't need some posessive twat 'looking after her' you know?!

APF - Brew & Biscuit - it's a shade too early for Wine at home alone. I'm having a couple of paracetamol with mine, too may idiots doing my head in this AM.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 13:37

I have a sidecar on my "christ on a bike"

wanna join me, chip ? [hsmile]

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/10/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Morloth · 24/10/2011 13:43

I am always astonished at how much time so many women are willing to waste on PITA men.

You get one go, just the one. Why waste it?

If my DH of 13 years suddenly started acting like this I would talk to Jim about it and find out why, because he has earned that by being an excellent husband.

The OP has nothing to lose here, except an irritation. No history, no investment, nothing, why put up with it?

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 13:45

hop aboard, shiney, we are off to this "la-la" land some posters appear to inhabit

it sounds wonderful there...

you have to stick your fingers in your ears, and switch off your brain though

oh, and you have to convince yourself that any relationship is worth all the shit a bloke is prepared to throw at you

which is a bit limiting, I suppose, if you wanted an equal and independent life

Morloth · 24/10/2011 13:46

Him not Jim, I don't know any Jims. Perhaps if I did, I would chat with him about things.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 13:50

Morloth, women should put up with it because other women have, of course

And not forgetting that men are superior of course, and we should bend over backwards to get "on the same page as them"

even if that "page" is from the scariest horror story you ever read...

fuzzynavel · 24/10/2011 13:51

My friends dad had a budgie that he adored, he still kicked seven shades of shite out of my friends mum.

His insecurities are exactly that HIS. He needs to deal with these before even thinking of enterining into a relationship, not put them on the OP.

Even nore worrying if the OP has posted before about this.

As stated previously she needs to get shot of him, he's showing some very very nasty traits.

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 13:51

Morloth, I did wonder who the hell Jim was! :o

gypsycat · 24/10/2011 13:55

If the OP is such a big girl, why does she feel the need to ask for advice on a public forum? Surely she's big enough to make her own decisions about whether the guy is worth staying in the relationship with. The fact that shes' asking on this forum implies to me that she's not ready to give up on him yet, and that he might gasp have some redeeming qualities!

While he may be stepping over the line of her comfort zone, he's hardly stalking her or threatening her in anyway. I would like to think that if I was in a mature relationship that the man I was with would have the balls to confront me if I did something he thought was inappropriate rather than just dump me and run off like a coward, crying "there's more fish in the sea!"

HauntyMython · 24/10/2011 13:55

At best (just based on your OP) he's just insecure and clingy, but I suspect you'd know that, if it were true - surely you'd know if he'd had terrible cheating girlfriends etc?

TBH I tend to think if you feel like it's a possible red flag, then it probably is one.

Morloth · 24/10/2011 13:55

It's a good name Jim a good solid reliable name. My dad was a Jim. You could have a beer with Jim.

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 24/10/2011 13:57

HaunthyMython - totally agree with that, if you have to ask.....

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 13:57

:) Morloth, we have a few in our family - all good, solid, dependable men too.

Morloth · 24/10/2011 13:58

It isn't a one off gypsycat it has gotten to the point where the OP is having to lie about her whereabouts so he doesn't freak. Who can be arsed to live like that?

First offer is cute and nice, the testing and nagging and insisting is creepy.

garlicBreathZombie · 24/10/2011 14:00

Can I just remind everyone again - you do not need to justify ending a relationship.
"I don't feel very happy/comfortable/secure with this" is a good enough reason, you're a grown-up with the right to choose your own life.

If anybody tries to force you into some sort of courtroom exercise before 'allowing' you to break up with them, they are a control freak. It's that simple.

Yes, this applies when you are married (why we have UB and no-fault divorce.)
Yes, it applies when you have children (DC learn about relationships from their parents').
Yes, it's kinder and more helpful to discuss your dissatisfactions with your partner, but not if the partner bullies you by disputing your points.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 14:57

Apologies for the late response, am at work.

Will come back on to update this evening. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 15:04

Sorry for doubting you Coffee. Have a good day at work. :)

Rollon2012 · 24/10/2011 15:16

tell him how you feel and see how he reacts, it will be interesting to see how he does.

ShriekingLisa · 24/10/2011 15:21

ionysis
Yes it was horrendous and all i can think is 'why oh why did i spend 3 fucking years with that tosser who made my life hell.

It wasnt until i met DH how i realised what it was actually like, at least here the OP is realising that flags should be raised. He is possesive already and they dont even live together. My ex used to get annoyed if i wanted to spend time at home away from him, i used to get in my car and drive home to my mums and within an hour he would be there in his car turning up to spend the night!! Grrrrr he was like a bad smell.

People like him never change and i just feel sorry for who ever goes out with him now and in the future.

ShriekingLisa · 24/10/2011 15:22

god forbid if anyone was to marry the wanker aswell....poor poor cow.

TimeForMeIsFree · 24/10/2011 15:38

This is exactly how my abusive relationship started.

To keep it to the point, walk away as soon as possible. In fact, run!! This 'relationship' will get worse, trust me.

LydiaWickham · 24/10/2011 15:54

At the risk of sounding like I am making judgements on this man, if confronted, I would guess he would:
a) tell you about women in his past who have cheated on him. It will be heart breaking, you will spend ages proving your not like them. You'll 'help' him by calling him so he can be sure you're not with another man on nights out. Or just not go. No one cheats if they are sat at home sharing a bottle of wine with the man they love, because you've got him, why would you need anyone else?

b) tell you he doesn't trust your friends - can't you see they are no good for you? All the male friends you have want to sleep with you. Your a fool to not see it, or is it that you can see it and you want them? Can he trust you? All your female friends are slappers, or just won't look out for you. You need him to do it. You shouldn't dress like them, they're on the pull your not, why would you wear something so revealing if you're not on the pull? Can he trust you? He loves you so much, he's just worried.

c) tell you he's had exes/woman he's close to who've been attacked on the way home from nights out. You need protecting you see. Why won't you let him help you? It's only that he loves you... Maybe you shouldn't go out without him. That's safest.

workedoutforthebest · 24/10/2011 15:55

Shock Shock Coffeecoldturkey do we share the same partner?

carernotasaint · 24/10/2011 16:23

Ionysis do you also post on MSE as DUTR. Your posts and attitude are shockingly similar to his.