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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
scotchmeg · 24/10/2011 16:29

I lived with this kind of thing for 2 years and let me tell you - it is just the start.

Reading your post has made me feel panicy and trapped and has brought it all back.

I've been with my partner for 5 years now and I still feel guilty and panicy if I have to tell him I'm going out for the night (despite the fact he has no ocntrolling or possessive tendencies what so ever. If I am going to be late I get aniced and feel sick and have to let him know exactly why i'm late and I always apologise prefusely.

I seriously urge you to get out of this situation as soon as you can.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 16:31

Lydia, yup indeed

that's how it develops

they convince you it's in your best interests to limit your life to please them

and before you know it you have no life

fluffythevampirestabber · 24/10/2011 16:33

This is only the start of it.

Run. Run like fuck. And don't look back. Or you'll end up 20 years down the line wondering where your life went.

Get that man a taxi. To the far side of fuck.

MorelliOrRanger · 24/10/2011 16:44

I was with someone like this in my late teens, it got worse when we moved in together to the point I wasn't even allowed to go to the hairdressers without him waiting outside for me and after never being physically abusive he started that as well.

Hasten to add he was DUMPED - 2 years too late but eventually.

My DP now is wonderful. Been with him 10 years and we have a DD and one on the way and life is great.

Jealousy is never a good thing OP. He doesn't trust you. End of.

MorelliOrRanger · 24/10/2011 16:46

I agree with what Lydia says as well, that is how it happened to me.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 24/10/2011 16:48

gypsycat You are incredibly nieve (sp) and ignorant.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 24/10/2011 16:50

OP this rings loads of alarm bells for me and someone who has been in abusive relationships with controlling jealous men. They always say it's for you own protection, that is standard.

Squitten · 24/10/2011 17:25

I dunno what's more worrying: the fact that this man behaves this way or the fact that, despite no other ties to him, you think the correct response to that behaviour is to placate him by letting him into your home to wait for you.

If my husband got that involved in my social life, he would be told to fuck off!

notmyproblem · 24/10/2011 20:41

The OP is already pretty far down the road of thinking this is reasonable behaviour, but at least she's still got a glimmer of reality by posting this thread. I fear though that the truth is she sort of doesn't want to know the truth. She's already trying to take the easy road with him by lying to him, just giving it to his demands and otherwise not standing up to him -- because standing up is often way harder than giving in, right? The moment you start giving in rather than standing up, you've entered very dangerous territory with a man like that.

OP please listen to the voices of all the posters in this thread who recognise their own ex-P and who know exactly where your relationship is going and how it will end.

Completely agree with those who are saying life is too short to spend it placating some guy with issues. There are so many more brilliant guys out there, the kind who will make you wonder why you were ever with this loser. And once you have a man who doesn't have those issues you will realise what a relief it is to just be normal all the time with someone. Normal should be the NORM. Lying to someone to make it easier on yourself is not the NORM.

Be strong now. Get rid of him and make sure it's for good. Don't let him sweettalk you back. The older wiser you in a few weeks/months/years will be soooo thankful you did.

Reread Lydia Wickham's last post for the strength you need to do it. Read it again and again and again if necessary. Realise that this is YOU and YOUR life she's describing. You've got a narrow window of opportunity to get out, you know that right? TAKE IT.

PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 20:52

Just wondering where MN are recruiting these days, seem to have an influx of complete twunts. I've seen more wisdom at Asda fish counter.

PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 20:53

Not you OP. Be one that gets away.

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 21:18

ok I think his issue is with what I'm wearing.

Analyse this:

me - "so next weekend I've decided my friend is picking me up and I'm staying at hers or getting a taxi home"
him - "I'm not comfortable with that but I suppose I have no choice, I'll just stay at yours anyway"
me - "no, I don't want you to. I'll see you next week as planned"
him - "so i'm not needed at all? thanks, that's nice"

blah blah - this went on for a while and then:

him - "Not comfortable with you wearing a short skirt and being out without me"
me - "oh well, I'm a big girl, I can manage my wardrobe ok thanks"
him - "right, well are you going to wear that same skirt next time WE go out?"

fast forward a few sentances and -

"We can go into (same place I'm going with friends sat night) weekend after and you can wear that skirt?"

wtf??? so his issue is with the skirt?? and a seemingly jealous rage over the fact that I've not work in whilst out with him? it makes no sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 21:20

*wearing it - not work in Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 21:20

It feels a bit like a trophy scenario now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 21:22

Now he's saying "you've never worn that whilst out with me" Hmm no because we never bloody go anywhere appropriate to wear it, that's why.

Now all of a sudden he wants to go to a nightclub (something he's never been comfortable with before) JUST for the sake of being out with me in that skirt? it's fucking nuts.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 24/10/2011 21:24

Look coffee run for the hills whilst you can.

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 24/10/2011 21:25

Is he trying to divert do you think? I think this is the sort of stuff my exh used to do early on, I think it was about making me demonstrate something to him.

agree with 'be the one who gets away', it doesn't sound like you're very happy and fulfilled.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 21:25

so, are you dumping him or just letting off steam for a bit, then back to business with him ?

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 21:25

What would rile me on many levels, including the control side of things is the statement that he will stay at yours. It's just so bloody rude! Surely no normal, respectful, well mannered person would tell another adult that as they can't have the other adult doing exactly as they want them to and be where they want them to be they will decide without it being offered or intimated that they will instead stay at that person's house?

Would you say that to your friends, Coffee? Honestly?

Here I genuinely think that it's not only rude, it's an attempt to keep an eye on someone he increasingly feels is in some way his "possession".

Morloth · 24/10/2011 21:28

No need to analyse anything

You can either continue putting up with his shit or dump him.

If you stay with him it will only get worse, your call.

How much time are you willing to waste?

Ephiny · 24/10/2011 21:28

He sounds like a ridiculous, petulant, insecure little man. Can you really be bothered wasting any more of your life on him?

Original poster
CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 21:30

I'm just trying to sort this out in my head. Originally I thought he was just controlling and untrusting but this business over the skirt is making him seem like a proper nut job.

We're supposed to be going to cinema weekend after next. He's now decided that we should go to the pub so I can wear the skirt. I said I was looking forward to the movie (need to talk about Kevin, loved the book, curious about the movie) and so he's suggested we see the movie and then go to the pub for a few. Just for the sake of me wearing that skirt whilst with him? what on earth is the point or sense in that?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/10/2011 21:30

Absolutely run for the hills, it's weird and controlling!

marriednotdead · 24/10/2011 21:30

It's just dressing up the same story. He wants to control you. Please leave.

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 21:32

Lisa, you mean that he wants to see what the club is like, how the OP acts there and how others react to her, particularly how they react to how she's dressed, as he feels that she is likely to be the target of admiring glances/chat up lines and he can't cope with the thought of that?

So that he can say "See? I told you! That skirt is causing men to look at you, you shouldn't wear that again, you shouldn't go to that club, see how the other women behave the tarts, she how that skirt, that company and that club puts you at risk? You need to change your style of dress, your choice of company, your place of entertainment... "