Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PetisaPumpkinHead · 24/10/2011 21:33

Um, I think I read this exact same OP a few weeks ago?

Run for the hills OP!

RandomMess · 24/10/2011 21:33

I agree with DogsBeastFiend completely

Rollergirl1 · 24/10/2011 21:35

I don't think it's about you not wearing the skirt when you're out with him. It's just a tactic to control you and it sounds like he's going down the "you wanting to get dressed up for other men" route. Soon he'll start trying to knock your confidence and say that you wanting to go out dressed like that without him means that you obviously want to sleep with someone else, yada yada.

It doesn't sound like you're having much fun with him to be honest. It's a no-brainer to me, bin him.

BrianAndHisBalls · 24/10/2011 21:37

creepy - looks like he's treating you as a possession Sad Run.

FreudianSlipper · 24/10/2011 21:37

stop trying to understand his way of thinking you will not becasue you do not think the same way as he does

take it for me and others who have been there and those sadly still in relationships like this it gets worse, a lot lot worse never better and all our stories will be similar to yours in some way

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 21:39

you will never understand, because he is not normal

are you going to end it, or are you going to give him a chance ?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 24/10/2011 21:41

Clearly he thinks that if you go out without him, you will shag someone.

That is why he wants to pick you up and that is why he wants to be at your house. To make sure you don't go home with anyone or bring anyone home.

So what you have to ask yourself is - do you want to continue to go out with someone who thinks that's who you are?

And you do know that this won't get better, don't you? He won't stop being like this. You can bin the short skirts and then the going out without him and it won't be enough, then you won't be allowed to have male friends and he'll be checking your texts and demanding you delete people from facebook (if you're on it)

This is a bad road for you to continue down. You are only going out with this bloke. It would be a huge mistake for you to allow him to get a stranglehold on you.

Vicky2011 · 24/10/2011 21:47

Please please dump this dangerous loon OP

SolidGoldVampireBat · 24/10/2011 21:47

It doesn't matter what he's thinking, or why. He's unimportant, just a needledick loser who doesn't consider women to be full human beings.
Just dump him. And when he's dumped, change the locks because creepy fuckers like this will almost certainly have had an extra key cut. And when you dump him, tell him that you do not want to hear from him ever again, you are not interested in his reasons for behaving like this, you just don't want to see him any more - and then if he starts stalking (which men like this often do) go straight to the police and get him warned off.

And then, take a deep breath and do a little work on your boundaries. Here's rule one of being a mature, healthy woman: Being single is the best default option. A good relationship is a nice thing to have, sure, but being single is great. The worst option is a bad relationship.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/10/2011 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sandalwood · 24/10/2011 21:50

How long have you been seeing him?
It's great you've posted and can see through his controlling behaviour - now we can help you get away (before he cuts you off from your friends/family). Like someone said earlier, he's not going to go easily.

mrspnut · 24/10/2011 21:52

As always, I'd advise the OP to look here www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/mrgoodbad.php to see if she can spot which side her boyfriend lies.

Also it is a common ploy for controlling men to dress their control up as concern, if he doesn't live with you then I'd be even more concerned at the level of control he is trying to exert.

Finally, the only person who can change his behaviour is him, and it doesn't sound like he wants to.

mrspnut · 24/10/2011 21:53

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/mrgoodbad.php

Sorry posting from my iPad and can't manage links properly

Moomim · 24/10/2011 21:54

I strongly suggest that you run for the hills whilst you are still in your right mind, it wont take much longer for him to make you question yourself to the point where you accept scary controlling behaviour for your own good.
I agree with PP who suggests getting some counselling to make sure your 'loser-ometer' is more firmly switched on before you start another relationship.

change locks, move on. please do not let this person become somebody's father

Squitten · 24/10/2011 22:02

OP, honestly - you really don't have to waste your energy trying to work it out. It is ok to say "this is no longer working for me. Goodbye"

You evidently know he's not right. Just end it, free yourself from the madness and have a nice life.

It really is that simple

AbbyAbsinthe · 24/10/2011 22:13

Oh dear lord.

There's a line in a movie - I think it's He's Just Not That Into You - and it's something like.... for every man that you click with and have good sex with... there are millions more, JUST LIKE HIM.

Just get rid - life's too short.

skybluepearl · 24/10/2011 22:17

go but stay at your friends house. can you say that he is being too controlling and you feel smotherred?

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/10/2011 22:19

"Originally I thought he was just controlling and untrusting but this business over the skirt is making him seem like a proper nut job."
Controlling or nut job - either way, why would you want to be within a mile of this arse bloke let alone be going out with him?

Wooooooooooooooppity · 24/10/2011 22:31

Why is there a dilemma here?

Oh yes, I remember, women are nothing without a man, it doesn't matter how controlling and potentially abusive he is, just talk to him,. work on it, don't just let a relationship go because then you'd be single and that would be awful and anyway, he's a man and therefore his insecurities, issues etc., have got to be taken seriously by women and worked on and considered, and talked about and thought about and agonised about and... FFS bin this loser. You have one life and there are millions and millions of lovely men out there who aren't control-freaks with no respect for you or your boundaries. There is no point talking to him, he isn't interested in anything you have to say. The only people who could possibly miss that, are people with extremely fuzzy boundaries themselves, so they don't recognise his dysfunction. Get the hell out of this relationship and realise that you don't have to have a relationship with a man who has issues. They're not your problem. Find someone healthy or have no one at all, either is a better option than having this loser in your life.

MorelliOrRanger · 24/10/2011 22:42

After your update, he'd definately be history.

Your DP should never tell you what you should wear and if you do decide to go out with him, I wouldn't wear that skirt on principle.

He sounds like a real charmer :(

HerScaryness · 24/10/2011 22:44

PLEASE coffee, you have to end this. as fast as possible.

this is a dangerous situation, and it will only get worse.

He IS a proper nut job.

GreenEyesandNiceHam · 24/10/2011 23:10

He's making a fuss about the skirt, so that in the end you will say 'fuck it I just won't wear the skirt then'

I've been in a very similar relationship myself- I'm no pushover, but this type of thing is insiduous, it sneaks up and chips away at your self esteem.

God, I remember the texts that would start early in the evening- 'have a great time babe, and be safe :-)'

Then they'd get terser and terser, and god forbid, if I 'missed' one-

'what's going on here XXXXX, why aren't you answering me?'

Which was of course, later dressed up as legitimate concern about my welfare Hmm

gypsycat · 25/10/2011 06:02

CoffeeColdTurkey if you aren't happy in the relationship then you shouldn't stay in it. Why bother going on a public forum and ask women who have no idea who you or your boyfriend are whether or not he's being controlling? if you feel he's controlling you or suffocating you, then he is, regardless of whether other people feel the same. You have your own mind and opinions, make decisions for yourself, don't look to strangers to do it for you. Do you just need the moral support of strangers to justify your dumping him? Well congrats, you got it, all these women are calling for his blood.

Grow a pair for God's sake.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 25/10/2011 08:57

you have had some good advice OP, now you should take it before you waste more time on this man

larrygrylls · 25/10/2011 09:05

I know it is far harder from inside a relationship than outside looking in but you have to do a simple analysis:

1/ What are you getting from the relationship vs what it is costing you?
2/ Is this what you want long term or are you just passing the time.

If you are just passing the time, you MAY be able to tolerate his jealous controlling behaviour temporarily if he on the whole makes you happy. If you are thinking long term, his behaviour will only get worse and you will fee increasingly trapped.

I think that too many posters on this board rush to the "dump him" conclusion far too quickly but, in your case, I struggle to see any upside in staying with him. If you are struggling with him at this stage in the relationship, there really is no future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread