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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ScaredBear · 24/10/2011 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

otisreading · 24/10/2011 10:05

You need to send him for a long walk on a short plank. Love allows freedom.

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 10:12

Very weird and I agree, you should seriously think about breaking up with thi boyfriend.

Basically all he is doing is trying to prevent you from leaving the club with another man and bringing him home for a shag. I wouldn't want to be going out with someone who thought I was going to do that every time I went out for a few drinks with my mates.

I agree with scaredbear if you stay with him his behaviour will only get worse.

ramonacoaster · 24/10/2011 10:12

I remember your other post about this and you got all the same advice then but did nothing.
You already know it's not the way it should be so why are you asking again?
He will probably by now be at the stage where he is trying to destroy your relationships with your friends - I am right aren't I?
You were told last time where this could lead. What do you think you will do?

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 10:13

Also, he can't "insist" on staying at your house. It is your house, your rules. Don't let him a man "insist" on what you can and can't do in your own home.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2011 10:15

Get rid of him now. You won't have any kind of life if you stay with him.

I wonder whether he's pushing to move in with you - I can't imagine him being happy at not being able to control every bit of your behaviour.

It's not normal behaviour. It will get worse - it is now, isn't it, now that he's talking about what you're wearing.

BTW did you post on this before? I remember an identical thread.

pictish · 24/10/2011 10:20

I agree with the others. he's not concerned for your safety, he's worried you'll go off into the night with another fella.
If THIS is the fuss he's making at this early stage, imagine how much more intense it's going to become?

If I were you I'd cut my losses, and let this one out to pasture.

lurkinginthebackground · 24/10/2011 10:24

He is bu. Get rid of him quick.
He is controlling he will get worse, you will stop seeing your friends as it will become too much hassle to argue with him.
Eventually all you will be left with is this controlling freak.

OldGreyWassailTest · 24/10/2011 10:48

This happened to me. He gradually cut me off from everyone else, even my family. In the end I had to move house and change jobs to get away. Put a stop to it NOW.

waterrat · 24/10/2011 10:55

you know you need to end this. Why are you still with him? Please ignore the poster who said you should talk to him and find out about his insecurities - you should absolutely not try to 'fix' this man, or make his issues your responsibility. He is a grown up and a bully and is slowly revealing how he wants to control you. run, run , run....and then run some more....

and get some counselling to make sure your 'loser-ometer' is more firmly switched on before you start another relationship

fuzzynavel · 24/10/2011 10:57

YANBU

You need to get shot of him now. Total control freak.

Ephiny · 24/10/2011 11:00

Doesn't sound normal at all. You're a grown woman, aren't you? You're allowed to stay out as late as you like, wear what you want, and decide who stays at your house. I agree it sounds more like you're a teenage girl and he's your dad, which is not a good dynamic for a healthy, happy adult relationship!

Not good that you don't feel able to say no to his demands either.

Faffalina · 24/10/2011 11:09

Oh dear. Yes, I agree with others here unfortunately. Experienced a similar situation, and married the guy against my better judgement. Three months later we were separated.

Perhaps this is something that can be "worked on", but really, does it seem worth it?

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 11:10

This is how many violent relationships start. Your boyfriend's behaviour isn't borne out of concern but control... and fear that you might be with another man or merely that someone else is just as important to you as him. So, he's doing all that he can to stop that. At the moment it's affecting your social life... what do you think he'll be like if you have a works party or have to go away on business? How long before he tries to control how you do your job? How long before his behaviour affects your family relationships?

And who will you have left when he succeeds?

And in time what will he do to you when you don't do as he says? How long will it be before he raises a hand to the woman who dares go out without his permission and supervision?

Believe me, you don't want to be that woman.

GET OUT. NOW. You have no ties, no home with this man, no children with him... don't leave it until you have.

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 24/10/2011 11:12

erm making the offer is kind and thoughtful, my dh generally does so if it's practical.

If he insisted I take up the offer, that is not something I would be comfortable with.

I'm not his little china doll who needs to be protected.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 11:12

Yes, God forbid she actually try to talk to him about a problem rather than summarily dumping him.

That doesn't preclude the dumping part you know - it's just a step in between called "acting reasonably" even in the face of other unreasonable behaviour.

ionysis · 24/10/2011 11:14

And in time what will he do to you when you don't do as he says? How long will it be before he raises a hand to the woman who dares go out without his permission and supervision?

Isn't that rather a massive jump to make in the absence of any indication from the OP whatsoever that this man has violent propensities or history.

ledkr · 24/10/2011 11:15

I was with the same guy i think?? About 6 yrs ago.I really liked him and we had such good fun but he did exactly the same.
Like you i ended up lying about going out and wrapping myself up in lies.
He would catch me out and then that gave him a reason to mis trust me.
I am an educated adult woman with children and i went along with it for nearly 18 months cos apart from that we were good.
One evening he caught me out lying again and rang me to demand i went outside the club to meet him.I was about to go when my friend said i reminded her or an abused woman running to please him whilst crying with fear that id been caught lying. I texted him to tell him to go home and finished the relationship immediately.
You must tell him this is not how you want things to be and if it continues you will end the relationship.
Do you really want years of this hassle?

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 11:16

Ramona, I thought the OP had posted about this before but wasn't/am not sure if it was the same poster.

Coffee, what I said applies all the more if this is an ongoing situation and you are the woman who posted on it before. Have we not by now all proved our point that the situation won't improve? How long do you want to hang in there? Until you have got no friends? No social life? Until you are prevented from seeing your family? Until you're living with him, pregnant, with a child and totally isolated from the outside world?

Or until you get hurt?

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2011 11:17

ionysis, yes in normal situations the OP should talk to her partner. Here, though, there's no talking to him. Read the OP again. He was contacting her constantly re coming home and he was told again and again that she wasn't ready to go home. He just doesn't get it.

samandi · 24/10/2011 11:17

It's fairly obvious that you are not being unreasonable. I agree with the majority of posters here who think he is a complete loon, and very possibly abusive. There is absolutely no way I'd've stood for his behaviour on the first night, he would've been gone, simple as. What a nutcase.

It's quite easy to say you don't want him to stay round your house - it's YOUR house, not his. You are conceding complete control to him, and if you don't you are having to lie to him - none of that sounds remotely healthy or pleasant.

DogsBeastFiend · 24/10/2011 11:20

ionysis, at my age you learn a thing or two. You learn that life's too fucking short to discuss things with a control freak and you learn too that violence is a common response from controlling men of this type when they feel challenged and out of control of the woman concerned.

PenguinsAreThePoint · 24/10/2011 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 24/10/2011 11:23

um, I've read this exact post here before a couple of months ago. Hmm

ionysis · 24/10/2011 11:24

Until you're living with him, pregnant, with a child and totally isolated from the outside world?

Until he has morphed into a monstrous 6 headed beast dripping venom from his fangs and ripping babies from their mothers wombs?

Until you are locked in a concrete in a cell in his basement being forced to torture small mammals for his sexual gratification?

Because that's INEVITABLY where this is going to end you know. The crystal ball holders have spoken!

Have a chat with him. If he can't open up to you, explain and apologise for his behaviour and change it to be a more rational and reasonable human being (set a time limit) then leave.

I suspect the baby killing monster-metamorphosis may take a while so taking the time to have one serious conversation with him before shooting him in the head breaking up with him for his unreasonable behaviour shouldn't be TOO hazardous.