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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP is being really controlling here?

467 replies

CoffeeColdTurkey · 24/10/2011 07:48

Firstly we don't live together, he lives about 15 minutes in car from me.
Now a few months ago I went on a night out with people from work. It was the first night out without him I'd been on since we got together. He insisted on picking me up for my own safety but I told him I was fine and would be getting a lift but he was going off on a major strop over it so I just agreed. Well within an hour of me being out he started texting me asking what time I needed picking up. I text back and said not for ages as we were going to a club (I said here if it was too late for him I'd get a lift, he said no, he'd pick me up). So 11pm came - another text "where are you? shall I pick you up now?" Hmm I text back "no, going to the club now" so he replied that I'd said I wouldn't be out late and he was getting worried. I ignored this and enjoyed my night. 1am I checked my phone and there were 4 text messages and 4 missed calls from him!!! so to cut long story short, he picked me up at 2am.

After this I said I would make my own way home in future.

Second night out I went on he again said he'd pick me up. I said no, it was fine - I could make my own way home. He got all arsey etc and asked if he could stay at my house whilst I was out so he was there when I got back. I didn't really know how to say no without it sounding like I was just being awkward for the sake of it so I agreed.

Trouble is now he's expecting this set up everytime. I went out with friends 3 weeks ago and he insisted on staying at my house whilst I was out and picking me up afterwards.

Now I'm going out this coming weekend, I tried to keep it from him but he found out and started going on about picking me up. I said no and that I was staying out at a friend's house (outright lie Sad) and he went in a massive mood over it, then started whinging about what I was planning to wear saying he wouldn't let me walk around like that and would insist on picking me up for my own safety etc and now it's basically gone back to him staying here while I'm out. I'm feeling a bit suffocated and as if I'm being watched over by my dad. He says it's purely for concern over me but I feel so controlled by it all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 30/10/2011 17:44

Could he have got someone to spike your drink?

scruffybird- the OP can have who she wants on her FB page. He doesn't own her. And she shouldn't have to do anything to stop him worrying he is going to lose her. He does that all on his own anyway.

scruffybird · 30/10/2011 17:49

This reminds me of a book I read: into the darkest corner. Perhaps you should read it op

scruffybird · 30/10/2011 17:50

Theoriginalabfab, of course she can, I just think it sends out a message

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 17:51

ok, have been away for a few days so missed the bit where you gave him a chance (stupidly, and against advice) the first time

and now you are considering doing it again

you should be afraid, be very afraid....but not of me

I wish you well, and I wish you safe from controlling twats like this... but he doesn't

I fear you will give him another chance which leads me to the conclusion..

  1. this ain't real...is anybody really so deluded ?

  2. you really are a stupid idiot, and are walking straight into a nightmare with your fingers in your ears going "la la la"

So, what's it to be ?

iffysquiffy · 30/10/2011 17:52

Most domestic murders and serious assaults start with this pattern of behaviour or similar controlling acts - that's the reality of the road you are going down. Sorry to sound dramatic but you need a wake up call.

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 17:53

scruffy...what message does it send ?

that she has friends other than this bloke ?

fuck me...that is some message and of course it explains why he is acting like Freddie Fucking Krueger

Wooooooooooooooppity · 30/10/2011 17:55

OK you dumped him, then you let him talk you round.

Then you went on his FB and realised anew, that he's a nutter.

Did you dump him at that point, or did you just let things stagger on?

Because you were continuing to communicate with him after you'd realised he was a nutter for the second time.

Why? Do you really feel that you can't dump him? What is it that scares you about this? Being single? Or do you think that he's already at that stage, where having him inside pissing out, might be a better option than having him outside pissing in?

I really think you need to look at your self-esteem here OP, because this man is not good news for you and yet you are going out of your way, to keep him in your life. You KNOW that if you give him an inch, he will take a mile and I suspect you're either flattering yourself that you can handle it, or have decided to be in denial about the unmissable signs he has sent you, that he cannot be your boyfriend without exerting an unhealthy level of control over you.

fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 17:59

I also agree with proudnscary

I've re-read the post about last night and there is something about it that doesn't sit right with me.

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 30/10/2011 18:08

What doesn't sit right about it fluffy? Do you think he spiked her drink? Or something else?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/10/2011 18:08

I think it's the in bed by 10.30 thing. OP would have barely been out before she was throwing up, getting in a taxi and getting home again, never mind remembering nothing after a certain point.
Dunno. Not sure I'm so sure about this now.

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 18:10

it's "scary abusive stalker 101" isn't it ?

that's what doesn't "sit right"

fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 18:16

Scared - I don't know it is just a feeling Blush

It's the fact that the night played completely into his hands and of course he didn't spike the OP's drink and he'd mentioned that beforehand. And the being fine to go out (at 8/9??) and being home and in bed by 10.30 - you'd hardly have time to get out, and have a drink before you'd be heading home again.

And the "naturally" having a hangover.

IDK it just feels weird and a bit wrong

garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 18:18

Well, I've been off the club scene for over ten years now, so I don't know how much things have changed.

Suspect my drink was spiked. Typical isn't it?

Where I worked (Canary Wharf), spiking was disgustingly common. Absolutely nobody went "Oh, my drink was spiked, what a nuisance". There was widespread outrage.

So. Could be:
I'm out of date, and it's now a weekly occurrence;
OP is scared to be outraged that she may have been poisoned;
OP's so far under Nutjob's spell that she actually thinks he was right;
It's a wind-up.

Can't think of owt else Confused

Rollergirl1 · 30/10/2011 18:23

I know what you mean. I was surprised to read in bed by 10.30. If out by 8.00 for example then it would have all have to have happened pretty much immediately to be home by 10.30. And I'm assuming that OP felt okay while she was having her photo taken with the bloke that was put up on facebook.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/10/2011 18:25

I had my drink spiked a few years ago. Still shakes me up now at the thought.
Like OP I remembered nothing after a certain point. In fact I had to be taken home to a close friend's house as I was completely incapable (I have no recollection WHATSOEVER).
Unlike OP I didn't suddenly recover myself and think that I must text my stalker boyfriend someone for a lift home.

garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 18:35

She wouldn't have been able to get a taxi, even - but she could easily have got the 24-hour sick bug, which does come on suddenly. She does sound rather lackadaisy about the whole thing, though. Not sure if that's because she's ill, she's being successfuly victimised or it's a spoof.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/10/2011 18:39

I know where I'm hedging my bets. buggers off from thread

Jux · 30/10/2011 18:48

I do agree with fluffy. I toyed with idea of saying something on my first post today, but decided to see what OP might say later.

I think he arranged it.

Scoundrel · 30/10/2011 19:00

Just wanted to add that if she were dressed as a zombie it's likely that she was on the Bristol zombie walk yesterday which started at 3.30pm, so she may well have been out a lot earlier than 8/9.

fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 19:03

It was a Halloween night out - I don't think we can say that it's "likely" she was on a zombie walk in Bristol.

fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 19:05

In fact, she says she's going out with friends to a nightclub - I don't think that there are many nightclubs open at 3 in the afternoon Smile

CotherMuckingFunt · 30/10/2011 19:08

Tis all very strange.

Scoundrel · 30/10/2011 19:16

Ah, ok. Maybe 'likely' was too strong a word perhaps 'possibly' would have been better. I forgot that there were probably halloween nights going on all over the place [hblush]

I know a lot of people use the zombie walk as a prescursor to a night out.

PosiesOfPoison · 30/10/2011 19:33

I asked before if she was from Bristol, hundreds of Zombies in Bristol yesterday.

Proudnscary · 30/10/2011 19:49

I don't think drink spiking is dubious per se - a bloke put something in my drink about 3 months ago. I actually saw him do it and could not believe my eyes. I reported it the manager and he couldn't give a shit. Bear in mind I'm 41 and was in a small local bar so it must be pretty widespread.

But, yes, something's wrong - too neat, too urban myth, too textbook.

I'm not sure this is a total wind up but OP is teasing or goading us or twisting to get the reaction she wants or needs or...or...I don't know.

Maybe OP is some other player in this scenario.