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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

Sorry, meant among each other's best friends.

OP posts:
ColdSancerre · 22/10/2011 15:07

YABU surely you can manage without him one night per fortnight? You sound controlling tbh.

worraliberty · 22/10/2011 15:09

YABVU

So he sees his friend twice a month but you want him to see her once a month because you can't do without him for that evening? Confused

ReadyToDrinkYourBlood · 22/10/2011 15:10

YABU based on this information alone. But if there's no jealousy or reason to think that anything sexual is going on, why did you specify 'female friend'?

& just because you get home from seeing your friends (more often!) an hour earlier than he does when he occasionally goes out doesn't really make that much difference, does it?

Kayano · 22/10/2011 15:11

Yabvvvvu
His best friend, once a fortnight for a couple of hours

  • and you see your friends more often. That's very controlling and selfish imo
OchAyeTheNooPal · 22/10/2011 15:11

YABU. It's once a fortnight and he would only get in an hour later than you would if you go out with your friends.

I wouldn't appreciate being told by my DP how often i could see my friends.

MilkNoSugarPlease · 22/10/2011 15:13

YABVU!

Why one rule for you and another for him?!

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:21

They have had this fortnightly meet up in place for years, now we live together I thought it was time to change. I want to see him in the evenings, and we'll barely get any time together if he keeps up this arrangement.

I have met the friend. She's nice. Previous girlfriend's of DP's have been a bit funny about how close he is to his friend, but there is definitely nothing sexual or romantic going on.

OP posts:
cardibachFalchoFodynGymraes · 22/10/2011 15:24

YABU.
It will only be the difference of 2 hours a month in the time you see him if he does what you want - a big difference to his friendship but none at all to your relationship.
You say you are not worried, but I think you may be...

Dexifehatz · 22/10/2011 15:26

Have you got a male friend you could see at the same time? See how your husband responds to that.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 22/10/2011 15:26

YABsuperU. How can you say 'we'll barely get any time together if he keeps up this arrangement'? Surely you will see him on the other 28 nights of the monthConfused

Kayano · 22/10/2011 15:26

'barely have any time together'
Are you for real?

It's one night every 2 weeks for 2/3 hours. That's it. What if he tried to restrict you from going out with your friends? Bet you wouldn't be happy with that.

I can't quite believe this

FabbyChic · 22/10/2011 15:27

He is entitled to a social life just as much as you are. I think you are being unreasonable, it is a friend matters not the sex of that friend.

PartyPooperz · 22/10/2011 15:29

I'd be rubbing my hands in glee at a night in the house alone, lining up the TV schedule/films, running a huge bath and getting the wine in once a fortnight.

YABU - after a little while together you will be wishing you got the house to yourself once in a while and seeing that you have no qualms over infidelity and they have always been good friends why cause problems now? Why is it time to change now you're living together? If anything you now have more time together not less so why get all controlling now?

FabbyChic · 22/10/2011 15:30

Asking him to choose which is what you are doing could end up meaning you split up, you are being selfish get a grip.

PandorasSocks · 22/10/2011 15:30

YABU

I think that, no matter what you say, you are jealous. I think it matters to you that your DP's friend is female.

DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 15:31

YABU. The man has as much of a right to a life of his own as you do or as anyone does.

So you're secure that there's nothing of a romantic nature between the two. Good. No reason why there automatically should be - my best friend of over 30 years is a fella, I love him to bits and enjoy spending time in his company... but not like that thank you very much! :o His long-term live in partner knows this and she doesn't think that we're likely to have an affair either... and neither is she jealous abaut or insecure of our good friendship.

TBH, I'm not sure that I think you and she have that last feeling in common.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:32

So with all the information I have given, you all think IABU?

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 22/10/2011 15:32

YABU. I'd personally only have an issue if he was either lying about where he was or cancelling arrangements with you to hang out with her. I'm interested to know why it makes a difference that she's a girl rather than a guy if you don't suspect something is going on between them?

worraliberty · 22/10/2011 15:32

It's once a fortnight for goodness sake

And actually you do sound as though you're trying to convince yourself that you're not jealous.

Going by your posts of course, which is all I can go on.

FabbyChic · 22/10/2011 15:32

Yep

MrHeadlessMan · 22/10/2011 15:33

Unless you have some more info to dripfeed, this is the definition of being unreasonable.

YouHaveToCallMeNighthawk · 22/10/2011 15:33

You are being insanely unreasonable. Who's next on your list of people to be eliminated from his life?

fedupofnamechanging · 22/10/2011 15:34

I think if he was out every night socialising and you were stuck home with the kids, then you'd have a point. As it is, it seems unfair that you get to do what you want but he doesn't.

BecauseImAWerewolefIt · 22/10/2011 15:35

YABVU

You don't get to tell him what to do - about anything! And this is a friend he has known, I presume, since before you can along. If I were your partner I would be incensed that you were trying to tell me what I could do/how often I could see my friends.

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