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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 13:08

Any chance you'll meet me halfway and stop making daft comments?

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 13:09

Who knows, the more this thread stays in active convos, the greater the chance someone reads it and recognises this or that. It's happened before and become very interesting. That's why threads like this are fun to bump.

Bumping!

SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 13:10

IMO, I'm not making daft comments, so no need to 'meet you halfway', especially since, where is halfway in cyberspace? It's a bit like the square root of pi.

TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 13:12

Good luck with that. Though why do you care? It almost certainly won't be seen by anyone who knows me, but I'm curious as to why you want it to be? Are you bored or like to watch other people be unhappy?

OP posts:
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 13:12

It's continuing to comment, but not doing it in a stupid way. Like you were.

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 13:13

It's mildly amusing and the weather is poor.

TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 13:13

Thanks for the clarification.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 23/10/2011 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evilberry · 23/10/2011 13:47

Your BIL has told you that his GF doesn't want him to see you. If he goes along with that then you have to let him get on with it. In time perhaps you'll get back to the fortnightly meet ups, but for the moment you'll have to put this friendship on the back burner.

If he puts his relationship above his friendship with you, then he isn't a close a friend as you thought.

Getting upset with other posters means that the thread isn't easy to follow and you've annoyed people with the reverse drip-feed.

I can't say whether you are BU or not, as I'm not sure what you are asking now.

runningwilde · 23/10/2011 13:54

Bloody hell! I can't believe the arsey, presumptuous replies the poor OP has had to her thread! Op - I just know that if your mate was female you wouldn't be getting these stupid replies. Some people just have to put more into this than there is! Yanbu to feel frustrated at this and it just shows how difficult male/female friendship can be

LeBOOOf · 23/10/2011 14:01

In your OP, you stress (in her 'voice') that nothing is going on, but how can you know for sure that she doesn't feel something might be? I'm just imagining that if you fancy his brother, it wouldn't be a big leap to think you might also feel attracted to him, from her point of view.

If your house is on his way home, it might be better for him just to pop in more casually for a coffee and a chat now and again, rather than a prearranged "dinner night", which seems a bit date-ish, IYSWIM, and not restrict it to when your partner is out working. I know that you don't think you should have to change your arrangement, and I don't really like the idea of pandering to a jealous person's insecurities, but it seems well within your power to act in a way which is a bit more reassuring, while remaining friends.

runningwilde · 23/10/2011 14:04

Op - if I were you I would just ignore some of the very nasty 'bored' posters who have come in here to spout real shit at you. It seems a lot of people just can't deal with you having a male friend who you like to meet up with and they have to see more inti it
I'll be honest, if I was the girlfriend, I probably would feel a bit insecure with this arrangement although it would be totally stupid of me and I probably wouldn't feel like that if friend was a male! Even if I loved you ad a person (and you sound great by the way) I probably would not like it if my dh met his female friend like this although like I said it's silly of me to feel like that!

eslteacher · 23/10/2011 19:58

::sits on fingers to avoid cheering on her preferred "team" in manner of sporting event::

FearTricksPotter · 23/10/2011 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dexifehatz · 23/10/2011 22:42

I've been thinking about this scenario and I think it's the banality and domesticity of the meeting that makes me go mmmm. If I had a male friend that I met up with we would go out somewhere,cinema,pub etc.As adult friends do.Why swap a night in for a night in?

MrHeadlessMan · 23/10/2011 22:51

Sansa, pi does have a square root. It's approximately 1.77.

Maybe you were thinking of the square root of -1, though that also has a defined value of i in complex number theory.

samandi · 24/10/2011 14:19

Good lord, this thread has moved along! What a load of nasty, snipy comments based on people not reading the OP's post properly and coming to their own conclusions.

"I still think the real girlfriend should look around for a decent non-pain in the arse boyfriend, one who doesn't have a prior female commitment who takes priority over her, even though the relationship is in its early days. Then you can have your fortnightly get-togethers unimpeded - everybody happy!"

Yes, it's a real pain in the arse when you meet someone new and they have their own friends already, isn't it?! Urgh.

Sorry, I couldn't resist chipping in again either :-)

ScaredBear · 24/10/2011 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oohlaalaa · 24/10/2011 15:02

I've just realised The Girlfriend is the friend. Not read it all sorry.

I just wanted to say, I had a best friend who was a bloke. His ex-girlfriend disliked me. I didn't let this bother me, until a party we both attended. She started having a go at me in front of everyone, and made some horrid comments. She was vicious. I stood up to her, but my DH (boyfriend at the time), was not around to come to my defence, and my best friend just looked at the floor. I had to walk away from it, left party early, and balled my eyes out all night.

I didn't speak to former best friend for two years after that. He did split up with this girl, and it was very messy, as they owned a house together. He now has a lovely girlfriend, a much healthier relationship, and they both adore each other. We made up, as he contacted me after the break up, to make amends. It's never been the same closeness though, and we are now more like acquaintances, who share some of the same friends.

The fallout was awkward, as we were part of the same group of friends.

My best friend, cheated on his vicious ex-girlfriend lots. He used to be a male tart. We have known each other since teenagers, never kissed each other, only ever been friends. There was another friend of his, who his girlfriend adored and got on with like a house on fire, and he regularly slept with this other friend. I never approved of his cheating, but as we were such good friends, chose not to fall out with him over it. I always knew he'd split up with his ex-girlfriend, as they were like chalk and cheese, and had completely different outlooks on life. The only thing they had in common was that they were both good looking.

When she had this huge go at me, I wanted to list all the girls he'd cheated on her with, but held my tongue.

He's apparently faithfull with his current girlfriend, and none of us have heard of any indiscretions.

P.S. I learnt after the fallout, that the reason this girl disliked me, was that she felt me and her boyfriend flirted (I think our familiarity with each other could have been considered flirty), and she picked up that I disliked her. I did dislike her, as she was negative over everything, always scowled at me, and insisted on having everything her own way, with my friend. She was extremely bossy with him. She wanted a different man, to who he was, and tried to boss him into being this man. She never realised he cheated on her.

oohlaalaa · 24/10/2011 15:15

I just remembered, I did have a boyfriend once, who had a female best friend.

I finished with him over it. I was home for uni for the weekend, he couldn't meet up with me, as he was having tea at his best friends (with her parents, who he got on brilliants with). This best friend was also home from uni. Spoke to him the next day, and they's watched DVDs together till 2am, and he was feeling tired. I felt cross that she'd come before me, and finished with him over the phone.

I always felt he was secretly in love with his best friend, but as she had a boyfriend (who she'd been with since she was 13), couldn't have her.

Ten years on, my ex is now married to his best friend. They got together about 18 months after our slipt, and have an adorable baby girl. They make a very lovely couple.

I didn't mind him having a female friend, I just felt cross that she came before me. Perhaps it's the same for your friends DP.

My DH has a good female friend, but these days she is as much my friend as his, and did a reading at our wedding. I see more of this friend than DH, as we often go out for girly drinks. I know I would always come before DH's friend, so it's fine.

boohoohoo · 24/10/2011 15:28

Don't friendships evolve and change or do they have to be rigid and set in stone? When I met my husband he became mybest friend, former best friends became very close friends.

Ormirian · 24/10/2011 15:33

It's only an hours difference, twice a month. YABU

Ormirian · 24/10/2011 15:34

Ah, the reverse reveal!

Well YANBU then.

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