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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 22/10/2011 16:21

No..you are not girlfriend

But I am afraid you may get some posters rounding on you simply because you 'tricked' them

Redrobyn · 22/10/2011 16:21

As a man.....Gasp! I think that YABR..... Double gasp!!!!! IF you know anything else to go along with all this that raises your suspicions.
I know what goes on in mens minds, and it may not be an active pursuit of the girl but it will be a passive waiting for the right moment. If he starts to engineer arguments (About anything) with you around the time he sees her be very cautious.
On the face of it one evening a fortnight isnt much, and it does him credit to be honest with you about his friendship as he could always say he was playing squash or something.
Personally I am a head-on sort of honest type and would advise teling him of your fears, 'yes you trust him, but not her' maybe.
I only know of one chap who had a female friend for years and years then one night after one too many drinks blurted his feelings for her and she went away, distressed, into the night, never to be seen again. Nothing untoward happened.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:22

No, he comes over other times as well. I think I've accidentally overcomplicated this by not saying the whole brother thing earlier.

We always saw each other fortnightly, it just so happens that my DP works late every other week as well, and his brother comes to hang out with me and the DCs on the night he's out.

OP posts:
haylojaylo · 22/10/2011 16:22

Also, I used to have a single male friend from work (that I had known for about seven years) that I spent a lot of time with (maybe an evening a week) whilst I lived with my parter. There was no romantic involvement on either side but I spent time with him because I was avoiding spending time with my partner and after two years together we split. I then met my current partner (with whom I am very happy and have a one year old son) and around the same time my male friend met his(now) wife. Not long after meeting her my male friend cut me out of his life completely and I am assuming this was down to the wishes of his wife. He has only just started talking to me again on facebook, two years later. I did not get an invite to the wedding despite being his mate for about 10 years in total! This left me very hurt and upset. From my experience I now stick to female friends.

thunderboltsandlightning · 22/10/2011 16:23

Pretending to be her. Posting about her on Mumsnet so you can prove that she is unreasonable (how do you think she'd feel about that?).

Also you and he have been discussing her together behind her back in a negative way. That's a real betrayal.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:23

I don't get why you're so miffed by his not coming every fortnight. I mean, there are lots of other ways to stay in touch. Why do you need this person to come cook and 'hang out' as a standing appointment when your partner is out?

SootySweepandSue · 22/10/2011 16:23

If it's a family affair, I would invite the girlfriend over for dinner too. She may be a SIL in the near future, so why not make an effort rather than expect a status quo.

Seeing a nephew every 2 weeks isn't unreasonable. But after 8 months you would expect to be the number 1 concern with a potential serious partner and I do think friends and perhaps family naturally fall by the wayside a bit in that scenario. I wonder if he is keeping her apart from family as he is not that serious about her yet and she's is sensing that.

colken · 22/10/2011 16:24

Hmmm. My ex started a 'friendship' with a colleague by going out on Friday nights for a drink after work - end of the week from work. I put up with it. It progressed into something more. He came home afterwards later andlater until it was 2.00am sometimes.

Just going out for a drink? "Courage has a promotion where you have a card and go to as many pubs (in such and such a category) as you can and get a stamp in your card each time and you get a jumper. She was going out with him for 20 years before he became my ex. Now he's married to her.

thunderboltsandlightning · 22/10/2011 16:26

It's also weird for him to be going round to his brother's house the night his brother isn't there. What's that about?

DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 16:27

Jesus, the insecurity of some women!

"Putting your son to bed while you cook for him? It's all a bit strange."

WHAT'S strange? Being friends???

My best pal (male) regularly comes and stays for long weekends or so. I cook for him. I've stayed with him and he's cooked for me (his DP not home til v late owing to visiting a relative). My pal has read bedtime stories to my DDs, tucked them up and treats them as he does his own neices. We go on days out together, best pal, 14 yo DD and I. He's also met 14yo DD and her Grandad at museums when she visits the town in which he and the GPs both live, where he, my DD and her Grandad have enjoyed pleasant times whilst his DP is in the office. And my best pal isn't even my BIL!

And guess what? He's still not my type, I'm still no threat to his DP and I never shall be.

Girlfriend, there's one comfort... you'll be there to be a best mate long after FreakyControlLady has gone.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:28

I don't think this counts as discussing her tbh, is her name supposed to never come up just in case it gets mentioned negatively?! Do you never speak to your friends about your partners?

I spoke about her on an anonymous forum largely because I didn't want to talk about this in RL, expressely because I didn't want it getting back to her and overcomplicating things. The only people in RL who know what has happened are DP and his brother/my friend.

It's not needing him to come round, I don't really mind if the arrangement is altered at all, it's the idea that he is being told he can't come round that is the issue. DP being out when he comes round is a bit of a red herring to me, but apparently not for GF.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:29

What's it about, thunder? Er, seeing his friend (me) and his niece and nephew (my DCs). That's pretty much what it's about.

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DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 16:30

thunderbolt I'd imagine that he goes to the OPs house the night her DP aka his brother isn't there because he's her BEST FRIEND and has gone specifically to visit and spend time specifically in the company of his BEST FRIEND rather than catch up with his brother.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:31

Exactly, DBF. This would be being read totally differently by some people if we were talking about DP's sister, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:33

'I don't really mind if the arrangement is altered at all, it's the idea that he is being told he can't come round that is the issue. DP being out when he comes round is a bit of a red herring to me, but apparently not for GF.'

Yes, yes you do mind or you wouldn't have posted all this. Someone can tell him to go jump off a cliff, it only matters if he decides to follow that. He's a grown man. If she orders him around and he obeys it, obviously she's worth it him.

So what? Find another thing to do for now.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:33

Wouldn't read any differently to me, tbh.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:34

No, no I don't mind Sansa. I get that you're finding this hard to understand, but please don't incorrectly tell me how I feel.

OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 22/10/2011 16:36

Best friend? How old are these people? Fifteen?

I think what DogsBeastFiend said is key to it though:

"you'll be there to be a best mate long after FreakyControlLady has gone."

Some women like the feeling of being the most important woman in a man's life even if they aren't in a relationship with them. The girlfriend (the real one) is probably picking up on that, and maybe about how her boyfriend feels about her too.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:39

Do people not have best friends after the age of 15?! Confused

He's not the most important man in my life, so I wouldn't expect to be the most important woman in his. If she's picking up on that, she's picking up on it incorrectly.

Anyone think it's worth me inviting her for a day out, just me and her (and maybe the DCs)? Maybe I could diffuse this myself by trying to spend more time with her.

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:39

Well, obviously you mind because you've been here for an hour bleating on about it. Some people like their lives to be like late evening soaps, I guess.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:41

Maybe you should chill out and let him live his life how he choses for a while. Hmm Because that's what he's doing, even if it's his girlfriend who's driving it, he's still going along with it and he's an adult in charge of himself.

thunderboltsandlightning · 22/10/2011 16:41

Adults start respecting one another's relationships and work to accommodate new partners, not run around calling them jealous and starting threads on Mumsnet about them.

I didn't say he was the most important man in your life, I said some women like the feeling of being the most important woman in a man's life. I think that applies here.

Why don't you just invite her round for the evening every time he comes round.

DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 16:42

Pedantic, thunder! Best friend, closest friend, longest standing friend... get the idea?

And I still feel that your comments are borne out of insecurity. Your last remark reinforces that feeling.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:42

Maybe they do, Sansa. I'm not one of them I'm afraid. Are you?

I really don't mind the arrangement being changed. I'm not lying about that. I do think it's sad that he's being told he can't come round once a fortnight, but to change the arrangement to fit her schedule or whatever, not a problem.

P.S. I'm telling the truth.

P.P.S. I'm not lying.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:43

Well thunder, you're wrong. It doesn't apply here. Sorry.

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