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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 22/10/2011 15:50

I certainly wouldn't be keen on my husband starting something like this with another woman, and I doubt he'd want me having a regular dinner date with a bloke every fortnight.
The difficulty is that it started before his partner moved in with him, she expected things to change but didn't say this to him.
I suspect I wouldn't move in with a bloke who saw another woman alone for dinner every fortnight.

DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 15:50

Squirted, that's probably uncalled for. Most, if not all my best pal's GF's were equally arsey... until he met the lady he's now lived with for the past 10+ years, who is far more adult about it. She and I get on very well too, she's lovely and very good for my best mate.

Girlfriend, you may have to call this silly cow on her control-freakery or run a very real chance of losing your pal... until the relationship with Controlfreakcentral is over, at any rate.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:51

I think I said something about previous girlfriends being funny with me. I didn't mean they had been, it's just something the girl thinks would've happened. I don't know the exact words that were said, it was just something about how could they all have accepted him having a close female friend. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:52

2rebecca, why? I don't get why you'd care that your DH has a friend?! Would it make a difference to you if your DH's friend was male?

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cheekyseamonkey · 22/10/2011 15:53

Haha, just worked out the 'twist'!

sunnyday123 · 22/10/2011 15:53

sorry but i think you need to hold off - from this thread, you are the one that sounds a little jealous of his girlfriend to me (even if you are not interested romantically) - could it be that you are jealous of their relationship, given he has a new best friend?- understandable given how long you've been mates.

I wouldn't get involved as he'll almost definitely choose her regardless of the timescale you've been mates. I understand that men and women can be best friends but i think its a bit naive to think things wouldn't change. Since you have both met respective partners why do you continue to meet when its just the two of you? - do you ever involve your DP or his in your catchups? The meeting up, just the two of you seems odd- more so because of the lengths you have gone to with this thread - not trying to sound harsh but just don't understand tbh.

BecauseImAWerewolefIt · 22/10/2011 15:54

Ah. I did wonder about your posting name!

Sadly, if this relationship gets serious, then you may have to accept that he won't be seeing you as often. I had this happen to me. My best friend, male, met a new woman. He and I were definitely not interested in each other sexually, but were very, very good friends. His new girlfriend was incredibly threatened by this and refused to believe that nothing had ever gone on between us. So I had to take a step back. They are now married with three DC, and have been together (happily, I think/hope) for over 20 years.

I get on well with her, and DH and I see them occasionally for dinner - but even now, I wouldn't dream of suggesting that he and I do anything together/on our own. It's sad, and I was very upset to know that I was losing out on that friendship. But ultimately his marriage has to come first.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:56

No, I'm not jealous. Really.

Why shouldn't we meet up? Yes, our partners are involved when we meet up, mine more than his because she goes out with her friends and my DP loves my friend.

Why does it sound odd that we meet up?! Don't you meet up with your best friend for a catch up without your DP/DH being there?

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SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 22/10/2011 15:56

I have met the friend. She's nice. Previous girlfriend's of DP's have been a bit funny about how close he is to his friend, but there is definitely nothing sexual or romantic going on.

How was I to know this was made up? They are very confusing these reverse AIBU's.

MigratingCoconuts · 22/10/2011 15:57

I agree with you girlfriend, totally!

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:58

Does this honestly come down to the fact that this is a mixed-gender friendship?! That makes me feel so sad.

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SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 15:59

I never trusted men with such close female friends, tbh, so he'd have never made it to partner stage with me, much less having a kid together. Therefore, I think YABU. You knew what he was like when you hooked up with him.

MigratingCoconuts · 22/10/2011 15:59

I'm afraid it probably does. Sad

ilovemyteddy · 22/10/2011 15:59

I have experience of this as my best friend of many many years is a man. He is also gay, but that didn't stop his partner being jealous of our close relationship, so I made the decision to not see him as much as we had done. For obvious reasons my friendship with him (which predates my marriage to DH) has never bothered DH. For less obvious reasons it does bother my friend's DP. My friend and I are still very close and he's always there for me, but we don't see each other, without partners, as much as we used to. I get on well with his DP too, but I'm very fond of my friend and don't want to do anything that will damage his relationship with his DP.

I think that your friend's DP is BVU, but I also think you have a responsibility, as his best friend, not to put him in the position of almost having to choose between you. So someone has to compromise - maybe that someone will have to be you.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:00

They don't have children, Sansa, they have been together about eight months.

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MigratingCoconuts · 22/10/2011 16:01

sansa i think you are still not up to speed with the twist here....

FabbyChic · 22/10/2011 16:01

Seriously he needs to tell her to get a grip, if she behaves like this now it will get worse in the long run and she will control him even more.

Show your friend this thread and our opinions.

DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 16:02

"Since you have both met respective partners why do you continue to meet when its just the two of you?"

Eh? Hmm Confused

Are people really that insecure that they don't think it's acceptable for two individuals of the opposite sex to meet up alone as soon as they gain a partner or spouse?

Bloody hell!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/10/2011 16:04

Erm, I do think she is probably being U, but the whole set up would have me a bit Hmm looking from the outside in, IYKWIM?

I mean, he comes over and reads a book to your son (is it a bedtime story? How old is your son?) and you make him dinner, and it's the night your DH is away? It just looks a bit like the pair of you playing house, rather than two mates hanging out.

Like why is it the night your DH is away? If they are friendly why wouldn't he be there? I could see the GF thinking well, she's bored cos she's on her own at home, fair enough, but she's no right to make ME bored at home on my own as a solution.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:04

I definitely won't push him on this. He can make whatever decision he likes really. I love him a lot, as do my DCs and DP.

I just wanted to gauge opinions on whether it was a reasonable thing she was teling him. Of course I'm going to think she's BU, but I'm not neutral in this so I wanted neutral perspectives.

Sad thing is, I really liked her. She's played with my DCs and had dinner at my house.

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Malificence · 22/10/2011 16:04

Friends, I don't care how long they've been around, are not and should never be, as important as your partner.

My DH has a few female ( and male) aquaintances/friends, if he wanted to spend time with them (without me) regularly, it would be over my dead body , if he's not at work, he's with me, simple as. Possessive and controlling? maybe, but that's how I am and he accepted it long ago. If your partner isn't the single most important person in your life, you're with the wrong one.

YouHaveToCallMeNighthawk · 22/10/2011 16:05

Well this tale of woe might cheer you up, OP.

My friend's girlfriend bought a rabbit, which she treats like an adopted baby. It has the biggest indoor luxury hutch you can imagine! She uses the rabbit to stop me and him from hanging out. When we arrange to do something, she invites herself along and then makes him leave early so their rabbit doesn't get lonely. She's even changed both their surnames on facebook to Rabbit.

TotemPole · 22/10/2011 16:06

In fact, one of his previous girlfriends is another of my closest friends and I introduced him to another of them.

Maybe she's more concerned about you introducing him to someone else?

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 22/10/2011 16:06

My DHs best friend is a woman and former fuckbuddy.
I have no problem with this. If they wanted to be together then he wouldnt have married me and have one child and a foetus with me [hgrin]

Pretend OP, YABU
Girlfriend, not sure what to suggest though

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:07

Argh, I may be outing myself here, but never mind.

DP is his brother. So the friend I am talking is for all intents and purposes, my BIL. My DS is 5.

If you recognise me from that little nugget, could you please not type my full username, just the initials? I don't want this to be searchable under my usual name.

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