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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 22/10/2011 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:45

I'm not the one posting threads about minor aspects of my life, TheGirlfriend.

Hmm

If you don't mind hte arrangement being changed, why start a reverse drip-feed thread about it?

He's making the decision to do something because of his girlfriend, so what? No one's holding a gun to his head. He's doing it of his own free will.

thunderboltsandlightning · 22/10/2011 16:45

What treating your BIL's girlfriend as one of the family and including her in regular family get togethers is borne out of insecurity? That's bonkers.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:46

I also have said he is obviously free to make any decision he likes. I didn't start this to ask for ideas about how to exact revenge on her for stealing my friend away.

OP posts:
DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 16:46

Wasn't there a poster on MN very recently who was complaining that every time one of her close female friends was invited to the OPs home for an informal get together the friend brought her DH too? I only glanced at the first few posts but the OP seemed to get a lot of understanding and support there... and yet here it's suggested that a woman invites and welcomes her friend's partner to each and every get together.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:47

Just don't post if you're not interested Sansa, no one is obligated to keep doing this.

Very clever, trying to belittle my friendship by calling it a minor aspect of my life. Well done on sneaking that little catty comment in there.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:50

She is included in family get togethers, I have invited her over. It's an open invitation. We don't stand on ceremony in this house! Maybe I need to make that more obvious to her?

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:50

You have some issues, TheGirlfriend, you seem to read a lot into words on a screen. You see even random strangers are catty and deliberately out to get you. No telling what vibe she's getting! Hmm

Honestly, what's the big deal?! It's early days into the relationship, they've only been together 8 months.

All kinds of things could change. It's not like he's said, 'Sorry, can't communicate with you at all anymore, her indoors doesn't like it.' And even if he did, well, he's the one making the decision, not her.

DogsBeastFiend · 22/10/2011 16:51

But that's the point thunder! It's not a bloody family get together, it's a meeting between two adult close friends!

Do you invite your SIL along every time you go out/invite over for coffee or go for a meal with your friends?

eslteacher · 22/10/2011 16:54

Hmm...my DP's best friend is female, and I have absolutely no suspicion of anything "untoward" going on, or ever going on, between them. I am very happy that they are best friends and I hope they keep being best friends because they get on great together.

How would I feel if he had a standing date with her once per fortnight, and it didn't include me? Well I'd be hurt, but mainly because I also get on really well with his best friend, and she is my friend too (we became friends through DP). I'm more than happy for them to spend one-on-one time together and I do think it is important, but if they insisted on it one evening per fortnight, and expressly didn't want me to join them...yeah, I'd be hurt I think.

Also, my DP works long hours and doesn't usually get home before 8pm, plus dedicates two nights a week to his hobby and has other commitments that eat into his time as well. So if every other week a third night was being dedicated to best friend, I'd be a bit annoyed.

However...based on what you have said, if this woman is going out with her friends a lot already, doesn't have a lot of interest in actually being friends with you herself, and the DP isn't already over-committed in terms of regular evening stuff, then I don't think it's unreasonable. Especially as it's only 3 hours...getting home by 10pm is pretty early in my book.

TBH, I think there must be something else in this story that we don't know or aren't aware of. Maybe she's suspicious of your relationship being more than it seems, or she feels neglected by her DP and doesn't like that he ring-fences his time with you but doesn't seem to care similarly about her, or is hurt by being excluded from your friendship...

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:55

I don't have issues. Grin

You didn't like me calling that, I get it, fine, whatever. If you don't like my thread, if you think my thread is a minor issue, please feel free to jog on and ignore it. I don't mind, really.

She's got no such bad vibe from me, since I had absolutely no idea there was an issue until this all came up, I could never have been anything but nice/normal around her.

Really, it's just completely sad that she's telling him to not come round. If she would like to come and get to know me more, spend time with my children, with DP, she is more than welcome. I thought I had made that obvious and I really did like her. This is a bolt from the blue.

OP posts:
oohlaalaa · 22/10/2011 16:56

YABU

thunderboltsandlightning · 22/10/2011 16:56

You can't split it like that DogBeastFiend. That's just stupid.

He's her BIL, he's going round there whilst his brother is out, and he's putting his nephew to bed. It's not even as if they're meeting for drinks somewhere.

Things change, people move on. New families start and relationships change. He's in a relationship and instead of including his new partner in get-togethers he's excluding her, then calling her jealous. That sounds a bit controlling to me.

BluddyMoFo · 22/10/2011 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorksAkimbo · 22/10/2011 16:57

Friends, I don't care how long they've been around, are not and should never be, as important as your partner.

My DH has a few female ( and male) aquaintances/friends, if he wanted to spend time with them (without me) regularly, it would be over my dead body , if he's not at work, he's with me, simple as. Possessive and controlling? maybe, but that's how I am and he accepted it long ago. If your partner isn't the single most important person in your life, you're with the wrong one.

WTF???? Yes..this is possessive, controlling AND unhealthy! So, because your partner ACCEPTS your micromanaging bull, it makes it okay?

So, basically, you dictate who he can and cannot be friends with and how he spends his time? Is he a child??

Are there SERIOUSLY women who think that this is okay to do to another person with a mind of his own??

FFS!! [hangry]

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 16:58

I couldn't care less you calling anything what? Eh? Why should I jog on? It's an open forum. I'm bored.

'Really, it's just completely sad that she's telling him to not come round.'

Why? Isn't it more sad, that he goes along with it? Says a lot about how much he values his friendship with you over his relationship with her, IMO. It's sort of like those people who get all up in arms about other women. To me, it's the man who was married and went with someone else who's the real nobber in the equation, IYKWIM.

Right now, he values his relationship with her enough to cancel your fortnightly date. Oh well. Things could change. Who knows.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 16:59

He's controlling because he wants to spend time with us? That's a rather strange conclusion! And I really do think this would be different if it were DP's sister.

Moving on from debating definitions, etc (hopefully!), do you think if I try to spend some one on one time with her myself, that it would be a good idea?

OP posts:
NorfolkBroad · 22/10/2011 16:59

Once a fortnight isn't much though is it? I think YABU

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 17:01

No. I'd just let things lie and go with the flow. It's early days in the relationship. Things might change.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 17:04

So your friend has made his decision ?

He will be seeing you less

Don't you respect his decision ? Why do you feel he should put his cosy nights in with you above potentially wrecking his primary relationship ?

Perhaps he really loves this girl and wants to please her. Perhaps he's just not that into you any more. Don't listen to what he tells you, that it's his partner putting the kybosh on your set-up. It could be just as likely he wants to knock it on the head and using her as a convenient excuse.

And if you have discussed all of this at length wih him, I agree with Thunder that you are not much of a friend, really, and he isn't much of a man.

SansaLannister · 22/10/2011 17:05

Aha, there you are, AF! Touche, my dear, touche! I couldn't agree more.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/10/2011 17:06

The drip drip drip has annoyed me a bit, but:

If you want to try and improve things, specifically invite the two of them over, frequently, together. Specifically say to your BIL "oh bring GF, I am dying o get to know her better". When she's there, make a serious effort with her and tone down any matey in-jokes you, DH, and BIL no doubt have after 10 years as a gang.

And stop starting drip-feed reverse AIBUs designed to get a bunch of strangers to slag her off!

If she still dislikes you after that, YANBU.

eslteacher · 22/10/2011 17:06

TheGirlfriend - I think it definitely couldn't hurt to try. I'm really happy that my DP's BF and I get on, and it makes me feel more secure that we are friends too I think it's nice to feel you have the BF's approval, especially when she's a girl! We sometimes meet up with out DP, like maybe a few times a year.

Be careful how you approach it though. Make it sound like you want to see her rather than it coming across as patronising or whatever. Could you find a pretext, like asking her to help you with something, or accompany you to a place that your DPs would have no interest in going to (an art gallery or something)?

LeoTheLateBloomer · 22/10/2011 17:08

I don't normally wade into these arguments but Sansa you've said something that really bothers me:

"He's making the decision to do something because of his girlfriend, so what? No one's holding a gun to his head. He's doing it of his own free will."

He doesn't seem to be making the decision. If his GF hadn't mentioned it he wouldn't have changed the arrangement. If he does stop the fortnightly visits he's doing it entirely for her sake. Then what's next? She stops him from seeing any other female he has anything to do with? The girlfriend (not the OP) is being controlling in her request.

Yes, it's early days in the relationship and if things change, the chances are they'll go downhill.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 17:09

hey, sansa [hsmile]