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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 23/10/2011 10:20

absolutely!

good luck, I hope it works out for all of you.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:20

Thanks Animation. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:20

And thanks MC! :)

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 23/10/2011 10:21

Maybe I'm giving them an opportunity to vent about all those evil female friends in their partners lives who secretly want to screw them.

**

OP, that's pretty compelling stuff to be writing. I know you're saying it tongue in cheek, but it's a poor shot at someone's fear and anxiety if this is indeed the case with your BIL's partner. It's unfair of you to dismiss these feelings, don't you think?

I have no judgement on you either way, btw, I'm genuinely interested.

thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:22

Oh my mistake it was unreasonable, not jealous:

"TheGirlfriend Sat 22-Oct-11 15:43:11
He thinks she's unreasonable,"

Still, saying negative things to you about her is gossip, as is repeating it on here.

I still think the real girlfriend should look around for a decent non-pain in the arse boyfriend, one who doesn't have a prior female commitment who takes priority over her, even though the relationship is in its early days. Then you can have your fortnightly get-togethers unimpeded - everybody happy!

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:24

I was joking, WM. Maybe it is a poor shot, but I have had many poor shots fired at me during this thread, you can hardly blame me for having a giggle back, can you? I think that's what's bothering some people here though, the scenario has touched a nerve. Some woman really can't stand their partners having female friends and this thread has given them a chance to vent that. Unfortunately, it has been done in the form of an attack stance. But oh well.

OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:25

"Sorry if you made that incorrect connection."

Sorry if you were weird and indirect and completely misleading when you posted here.

Like I said you've got an answer for everything. :) If you don't think your behaviour deserves any scrutiny or that any other opinion about it other than yours and people who agree with you are right, why on earth did you post in AIBU?

Did you really think we'd all rally round and take your boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend to peices.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:25

It's not gossip, thunderbolts, it's just conversation.

Can't be arsed to address your other assumptions. I've already done it and you keep spouting them, so have at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:26

No I didn't. I didn't ask for that, I didn't want that. If you can't be bothered to actually listen to what I'm saying, why do you keep replying?

Is this a real issue for you?

OP posts:
Animation · 23/10/2011 10:27

"Like I said you've got an answer for everything."

Thunder - likewise eh?? [hbiscuit]

thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:28

God I hope your husband has a best female friend who he goes off and tells when he's decided you're being unreasonable TG.

You won't mind, it's only conversation.

thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:30

I don't think anybody has asked me any questions Animation.

Also I didn't post in AIBU, in disguise, to encourage criticism of another woman. [hbiscuit]

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:30

He's not my husband. But yes, he does have a female best friend. I love her. Couldn't give a flying fuck if they talk about me either.

You're quite right (at last), it's only conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:31

Neither did I, thunderbolts. Stop making shit up that you've already been told is untrue. Makes you look bad like.

OP posts:
Oggy · 23/10/2011 10:32

TheGirlfriend, I think she is being unreasonable to try and dictate when you and your friend see eachother.

However, I do think you come across (rightly or wrongly) as unwilling to try and understand alternative perspectives on why this might be. If you genuinely want to resolve this amicably then you need to get to the root of what the problem really is and that will involve listening to and trying to understand alternative views, even if you don't necessarilly agree with that view or isn't how you would personally feel.

I stand by my gut feeling that she probably doesn't like you (but maybe that is because of my own personal experience of my husbands friend that I don't like). You say maybe she doesn't like you but why doesn't she just say so - well realisticlly that would be extremely hard to do. You sound like you are one of her partners oldest and closest friends and she sounds insecure so she is bound to worry that soemthing like that will damage her relationship and that will worry her.

Yes she's unreasonable to try and say her partner can't see you as often but compromise is needed here from both of you and your part of that compromise IMO is to make a real effort to understand why and attempt to deal with that, for everyone's sake.

My thoughts FWIW anyway.

Animation · 23/10/2011 10:32

"I don't think anybody has asked me any questions Animation."

Like I say - an answer for everything...

WelshMoth · 23/10/2011 10:32

If this is indeed how your BIL's GF is feeling, then it must be pretty crap for her. It's wonderful to feel so secure and safe and confident in a relationship, that you're happy for your DH's or DP's to meet regularly with friends of the opposite sex, I suspect some could even feel pretty virtuous about it but it's shite having these insecurities and shiter still (if that's even a word) if these insecurities are tested and worse still, ignored and played on.

Genuine question: Your DP has a girl 'friend' whom he regularly meets. Are you a bit wobbly about it because you don't really know her? How does it feel knowing that your fears have been a subject talked about during one if their meets?

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 10:40

I'm not sure I understand what you mean, WM. Am I a bit wobbly about it because I don't really know my DP's friend? No, I already said I'm not. I really do love her, she's great. She will be a BM at my wedding, and she is Godmother to my DD. I would assume that I come up in conversation between the two of them, but I don't ask for the ins and outs, so are you asking hypothetically? I suppose I probably wouldn't like knowing that he specifically discussed my fears, but then I don't really have any with him. It's kind of a weird point to compare though, because DP's brother and I were not 'discussing' his girlfriends fears, and I would presume he wouldn't run home and give her that impression.

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 12:26

Jesus wept, you still haven't just let this go! So much for being so 'laid back', you have tons of time to discuss this person on the net ad nauseum.

The mind boggles, really.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 12:42

Jesus wept, you still haven't stopped replying with patronising comments!

The mind boggles, really.

See what I did there? Grin

Btw, in case you didn't notice, the majority of the latter part of this thread has involved me having to defend myself against people who repeatedly spout out BS despite being corrected. If people would stop doing that, the thread would just go and it wouldn't bother you any longer. Of course, you could just stop reading as well, but that would seem a little too obvious.

Never mind. I know what I'm going to do, I know how I feel. I am grateful for responses, I have learned a fair bit about some MNers as well.

Drinks all round. :)

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 12:51

Good god, I'm actually starting to see where this man's poor girlfriend is coming from.

[rolls eyes]

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 12:53

Aw, good for you! Bye bye. Grin

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 13:04

Are you off then? Because this thread won't die, probably, unless you've asked HQ to pull it. There are too many MNers who will find it irresistable.

Original poster
TheGirlfriend · 23/10/2011 13:05

Nope, just saying bye bye to you. I haven't asked anyone to pull, just hoping you'll stop making daft comments. Probably won't though. Never mind.

OP posts:
SansaLannister · 23/10/2011 13:08

Oh, I'm not going anywhere.

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