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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 19/10/2011 10:28

no i dont think you are.
the father needs to be responsbile for his children .
social services would hopeuflly place them in foster care and look into it further.

Bloodymary · 19/10/2011 10:32

Oh please can you not all get together and somehow look after these poor children?
The Father is an absolute dick, but those poor kids Sad

domesticdiva · 19/10/2011 10:32

Agree with Slarty, what on earth is the father doing?! Your DD is not responsible for these children though she has been very nice in helping. The mother should not have travelled abroad without them either. Are you saying the father has abandoned his new children and wife? Sounds like a lovely man! Angry

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 19/10/2011 10:33

These little girls need a new home.
The mother has abandoned them.
Their father does not want to know.

Your dd cannot be their mum.

YOU need to step in.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 19/10/2011 10:34

Why on earth could the mother not take the children with her? It is half term next week!

usualsuspect · 19/10/2011 10:34

I agree ,you need to step in and sort out this awful situation

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 19/10/2011 10:34

I dont mean you should step in and take over the care for them, but let social services be involved. Your 19 year old dd is pretty naive, though doing the best she can I suppose.

spiderpig8 · 19/10/2011 10:35

Do your DDs want to see their sisters in care?

CheeseandGherkins · 19/10/2011 10:37

I agree with Bloodymary poor children :( I do obviously feel for you and your daughters but those children are so young, at least until their mother gets back and you could sit and talk with her and hopefully the father to find out what's going on. I couldn't see children taken into care if I could help it.

spiderpig8 · 19/10/2011 10:37

Anyway it's the mothers fault.She should have had proper arrangements in place before she swanned off.Why did she board that plane when she had been unable to contact their father?She sounds dreadful

GalaxyWeaver · 19/10/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 19/10/2011 10:38

I think you need to step in a bit here.
You need to contact the 'father' and let him know you are reporting him to the police for child abandonment.
You need to contact the mother and let her know she needs to be back in the country Friday at the latest or you will be reporting her for same.
You need to support your DDs who are probably scared shitless that they're doing the wrong thing and are completely out of their depth.
You would certainly be within your rights to contact SS and say 'here is the situation, we are looking after the children for the rest of the week but you need to follow up with their parents'.

I think you are letting your feelings for the father (fair enough, he sounds like a real prince) cloud your judgement here - your children feel responsible for their sisters and are trying very hard to do the right thing by them. I think you should support them. Taking care of the DCs won't let the feckless parents off the hook longer term, but the DCs need to be the priority now.

Sirzy · 19/10/2011 10:38

Both parents are as bad as they have both left the children without any care arranged.

I would talk to your daughters about informing ss as it's not fair on anyone for your children to be having to do this and ss should be able to provide whatever level of support needing. Ss also need to be aware of parents abandoning children

mumblechum1 · 19/10/2011 10:39

What Wilson said.

SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 19/10/2011 10:40

I don't think YABU at all and I think you should be proud of raising two fine young women who will step up when it counts.

Pixieonthemoor · 19/10/2011 10:40

Sorry but I think you are being VU. The mother is trying to get home and it is only for a more days. I understand that it is extremely difficult logistically for you what with work and everything but seriously?? Social services?? Do you really want two children to enter the care system?? Obviously the father is a total waste of oxygen and has been the cause of a great deal of heart ache for you all but why inflict even more damage on these two innocents. Very heavy handed.

moonshineandspellbooks · 19/10/2011 10:41

I think from the children's POV it would be best to group together and manage as best you can but to call social services anyway.

Was your X controlling with you? Because from what you've written I get the distinct impression that the SM arranged this trip some time ago on the basis that her H would be collecting the DC and now he's refusing to do it because he wants to ruin/cancel her trip to see relatives. He's been unreliable with your own DDs. He sounds like a prize idiot and I feel rather sorry for the SM. Ultimately, she will have to come home as she is clearly the primary carer and she has responsibility for those poor little children, but the only person at fault here is the 'father'. If he is capable of abandoning his children like that, he's probably capable of all sorts of other things as well, and for that reason alone I think SS should be brought in.

Child abandonment is a crime. What would have happened if your DD hadn't been around? The children would have been placed at serious risk. Both these parents need to realise how serious things are, preferably from someone with the authority to make them take notice, and possibly the SM could do with some support to deal with her H, who it sounds like she'd be much better off without.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 19/10/2011 10:41

Maybe being taken in to care is better for them?

Who knows what their family life is like if both parents can just abandon them like this?

Fun filled? Love and laughter?

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:41

I believe that the kids would be better off with trained foster carers than for example to be palmed off on my sister on Friday night who is willing to help but she is also a stranger to the DCs!

It's not knowing how long this situation is going to continue. Will there be repeat performances in the future?

I can't understand why SM got on the plane TBH! Apparently she regularly goes away without her husband and DCs. I don't want my DDs to get involved in their silly games while they are so young and trying to make a future for themselves.

OP posts:
Deflatedballoonbelly · 19/10/2011 10:41

Are you sure the mother 'swanned off'? It might be that the father is manipulating her and is controlling? perhaps he does not want her to visit family/friends etc and has had it booked for months, perhaps she assumed (till the last minute) that he would go through with it and do that?

I would be hesitant tbh about calling SS.

Deflatedballoonbelly · 19/10/2011 10:42

moonshine thats what I was getting at!

usualsuspect · 19/10/2011 10:44

Has anyone spoken to the father?

fortyplus · 19/10/2011 10:44

The mother needs to be arranging this. To contact other friends or relatives to sort out care. Or to contact ss herself to say that she'd arranged care with the father but he's disappeared. She shouldn't have gone away without making certain that childcare arrangements were in place.

SS would put pressure on her to get it sorted or come home - it's a cheap, easy and unembarrassing solution for her to get your dds involved.

NatashaBee · 19/10/2011 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BreeVanDerTramp · 19/10/2011 10:45

Poor children, they must be so confused. What has the school said about this, I am surprised they have not involved SS if they are aware of what is going on.