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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
cory · 19/10/2011 11:58

briedog, why can't the two daughters be the responsible adults and make their own minds up about this? just because the OP does not agree with their decision does not mean she has to go over their heads

after all, they belong to this family in a way the OP does not and they are not children

cjbartlett · 19/10/2011 11:59

agree with cory

TheOriginalFAB · 19/10/2011 11:59

YABU and cruel.

This children are babies and need someone to care for them. Your daughters are their sisters and are adults so yes, they should help. As should you as a fellow human being tbf.

FFS what world have we become?

And why is the mother fucking off when the father is such a dick?

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 19/10/2011 12:00

No cj, I mean if they don't return. Not if they do. Confused

cory · 19/10/2011 12:00

personally I think it would be a good idea if the dds informed SS and asked them to keep an eye on the situation

but I think that decision should be made by them: they are there and know the set-up better than the OP

usualsuspect · 19/10/2011 12:00

OP do you or your dds know where the father is?

TheScaryJessie · 19/10/2011 12:01

Has the DD actually called SS to notify them she's in charge? Or has she simply said that she has, because she's convinced the children will get adopted overnight if she does?

A poster earlier on feared something similar, so it's not outside the realms of possibility that the DD might have such an idea, too.

RitaMorgan · 19/10/2011 12:03

I think SS should be informed of the current situation - for all you know there has been previous incidents too.

I would keep the school informed of what has happened too. And report the father to the police for child abandonment.

In the meantime though, your DDs probably will just have to muddle through until the stepmother returns.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/10/2011 12:03

I have been in a simelar position to your DD's op.

When I was 17 my partners ex kept dropping her two children (1 was his the other not) on my doorstep and going away for the weekend! (note, she never knocked the door to ask or explain, she would drive off then the older one would knock the door o tell us he was staying for a few days!)

One day she dropped them there and the lad told us he staying for two weeks because mommys gone to gran canaria Shock

I simply couldnt look after them both for that long on my own, My then partner worked away for weeks at a time, so after calling him we agreed to call SS as the situation was completely unworkable and as the mother wouldnt listen to us we had no where else to turn.

SS told me that the mother had made arrangemts for her children - me (even without talking to me about it as we had done it before it was an arrangement as far as they were concerned as I'd done it before!) and if I refused to look after them then I would be investigated for abandonment!!! Shock

Ball ache situation all round :(

happyinherts · 19/10/2011 12:04

The older step sisters have more or less been lumbered with care of younger siblings. They were placed in an awkward situation.

It becomes the responsibility of the OP as presumably the children would be in her house for the fortnight. Therefore she has every reason to comment, voice an opinion or go over their heads. It's not as if the two older girls have their own property is it.

If they do look after the children for any length of time, it sets a precedence. The mother will not think twice about doing it again. I'm with the ORIGINALFAB, why is the mother fucking off when the father is such a dick? You can't just swan off and expect others to put their plans on hold even if it is extended family.

Mother deserves all she may get here. She didnt have to disappear off

scaryteacher · 19/10/2011 12:04

Thus, cj, putting the onus on the dds. Whilst I might ask someone to pick my lad up from school for a day, I wouldn't expect them to pick him up and look after him for a fortnight, knowing that no-one else could do it and thus abandoning my child. The Mum and the Dad have been selfish and irresponsible.

School, and SS both need to be informed.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/10/2011 12:04

cjbartlett the Mother did not sort anything out. She simply dumped on her stepdaughters and expected them to rearrange their lives because neither she nor the boys' father could be bothered to rearrange their OWN lives to take care of their OWN children.

I think the school and SS should be informed to give both parents the most almighty kick up the arse when they finally bother to turn up and take responsibility for their children.

Two young adults are having to step in to protect the boys because the two older supposedly responsible parents are being selfish and putting their own needs ahead of their young children.

CamperFan · 19/10/2011 12:04

It is not "cruel"to involve SS. Based on what some knowledgeable posters have written, SS can support you and your DDs to care for the children. The SS have the kids' welfare at the forefront of their minds too. The school surely also needs to know what is going on at home?

AngryFeet · 19/10/2011 12:06

I understand how technically this is 'not your problem' but I find it shocking that you can shrug off the welfare of these two little boys - whether you consider them family or not. Your DDs are too young and emotionally involved to make an informed decision here, the father is a shit and the mother is not much better IMO. As much as you don't seem to want to get involved (whatever your reasons may be), you are the only person here who can really do something right now. SO DO IT!

cjbartlett · 19/10/2011 12:07

yes I guess you're all right

TheOriginalFAB · 19/10/2011 12:08

I said cruel because these children will feel their family didn't want them.

flippinada · 19/10/2011 12:08

Rebel, it sounds like you have raised two responsible, caring young women and you should be proud of them for stepping up to the plate. You have had a hard time from some posters and that's not dair, I suspect because it's such an emotive topic.

Given that they want to help care for their little half brothers I think you should support them in this on a short term basis; especially as social services are already aware of the situation.

I do understand this must be very hard to deal with and you're concerned at the effect this is having on your DDs.

I note however people are asking where is the father, why isn't he contactable and why can stepmum not come back? Where has she gone? is she not contactable - is there a reason why these questions are not being answered? I understand it might be a bit hard to think straight.

Also, what about the long term implications of this..what if Dad disappears and Mum doesn't come back from her holiday..what then?

On a personal level, I find it hard to imagine how any mum could leave her kids like that.

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 19/10/2011 12:08

That is the case anyway FAB, no?

flippinada · 19/10/2011 12:09

*not fair..typing in a hurry on my lunch break!

Sirzy · 19/10/2011 12:09

Personally I think it would be cruel not to tell ss. Heaven forbid but this could just be the tip of the iceberg and if things aren't report that's how things go unnoticed

IloveJudgeJudy · 19/10/2011 12:09

I really feel for your DDs. they're in an impossible position. Your elder DD certainly shouldn't put her job in jeopardy, especially in this climate, neither should your younger DD miss out on uni.

I think you should contact SS to see if there's any way that they can help with childcare in the day so that these two poor little children can continue to be looked after by your DDs which it seems they want to do.

Poor children.

Blu · 19/10/2011 12:11

Whatever happens remember that the children are your DD's half-siblings - not a weapon for you to use against your ex.
I would support your DDs to do what they feel they would like to do.
But SS should be informed.

I don't think children should be whisked into foster families they don't know unless the situation is extreme and they are in danger. If your DD's - with support from you - can care for them until the mother can come home, then that will save them the trauma.

It shouldn't have happened, but the welfare of the children right now is more important than scoring points.

Georgimama · 19/10/2011 12:11

Their parents aren't much acting like they do want them FAB. And it is far more cruel to leave children in a potentially neglectful or even abusive situation.

flippinada · 19/10/2011 12:11

I reiterate the advice to speak to school and as SS are involved anyway certainly speak to them as well.

And just WHERE ARE D and SM? (apols for shouting).

usualsuspect · 19/10/2011 12:11

Surely someone can get in touch with the father?
seems odd to me no one has