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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
ragged · 19/10/2011 11:47

I think it's the call of OP's DDs, they dont' want to stress their brothers out by putting them in care (I would be loathe to do that, too).
All putting them into care now would do is stress the kids out for a long spell before they ended up back with the bio parents, anyway. I can see why OP doesn't want her dds to sacrifice their time/new jobs, but they are adults, should make own decisions.

I would see it as family helping each other out with unforeseen circumstances.
I might consider ringing SS a week or so after the SM got back, to reiterate my concerns about the short notice/stress the family was put under/unsuitability of the carers; odds are that SS are already noting the oddness of the situation. SS wouldn't pull the kids out of the home at that point, but they would get on the backs of the bio parents for their poor planning and hopefully prevent anything like a recurrence.

In SM's culture to ask at very short notice older siblings to mind younger ones might seem perfectly fine, that alone doesn't mean she's got a mindset of neglecting her kids.

cjbartlett · 19/10/2011 11:47

I'm betting their dad will turn up tonight anyway, presumably he lives there? where else is he going to go?

cjbartlett · 19/10/2011 11:49

'Mother left on holiday before sorting anything out'

no, she asked her step daughter to look after them
I bet she knows he'll turn up tonight too
as it stands she says she'llcome back if step daughter can't have them and if the dad doesn't come back

VivaLeBeaver · 19/10/2011 11:49

Mother went away even though teenager said she could only help till Thursday. She went away without ensuring she could be back by Thursday and is now saying she can't make it back.

If there was any doubt my mind that I couldn't get back I wouldn't go. Most people wouldn't go.

DogsBeastFiend · 19/10/2011 11:49

X posted with Georgimama, who says everything which I was trying to say!

And, for the record, I would have had the lass I spoke of above taken and put with people who actually give a shit if I had my way.

I notice that the first posts on reply to the OP were all about the father... but what sort of mother - indeed what sort of parent of either gender - leaves for another land when the care for their DC is not adequately in place and the situation so uncertain? I wouldn't have gone into the next fecking county had I been her, much less into another country!

Georgimama · 19/10/2011 11:50

Well on the basis of what has happened in the last few days arguably they would be better off in another home than with two parents who don't make proper provision for them. Unfortunately re-ordering life so that they become the children of loving, involved parents overnight isn't an option.

The best option in this situation right now is that the OP's daughters care for them short term with SS support/knowledge, and the parents get a rocket up them when the mother comes back from Spain.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 19/10/2011 11:51

Surely the parents should be arrested?

VivaLeBeaver · 19/10/2011 11:51

The op said that the teenager got a phone call from the mother who was in tears at the airport. I see that as having buggered off on holiday without sorting anything out.

She did not sort anything out before leaving home for her holiday. Sortingit out in the departure lounge is too late.

going · 19/10/2011 11:52

SS may be able to offer your dd's support in the form of childcare for when they are working.

mrsscoob · 19/10/2011 11:52

I wouldn't call social services. SM asked your daughter to care for them, thinking that their Father would come back and I think probably your daughter agreed to this without mentioning any of concerns.

So as far as SM is concerned her children are being looked after by an adult relative, their sister.

I have a brother 19 years my junior and would not of hesitated looking after him in this situation and certainly wouldn't have contemplated calling social services. Not to say I wouldn't be angry and would have had a few choice words to say when they did turn up, but social services, no.

Georgimama · 19/10/2011 11:52

This is moving so fast. My last was in response to wannabe.

Sirzy · 19/10/2011 11:52

Cj arranging someone to pick them up from school is fine but hardly classes as an arrangement for 14 days, childcare is generally sorted before you go to an airport to!

VivaLeBeaver · 19/10/2011 11:53

she says she'llcome back if step daughter can't have them and if the dad doesn't come back

Yes she said that but according to the op she's now saying she can't get a flight back.

colken · 19/10/2011 11:54

Get the children taken into care. If you keep attending to her things because of family loyalty where your daughters' half siblings are concerned, you will finish up doing it several times in the future. I suspect that the woman who has gone abroad does not go to work so does not know how important it is to those who do.

slavetofilofax · 19/10/2011 11:54

These children need SS to be involved. Both of their parents have just abandoned them!!

OP, your dd's sound lovely, and if I were in your position I would be very proud of them, but also making sure that they don't have to put their own lives on hold because of the faults of their Dad and SM.

I would take the responsibility away from your dd so she doesn't have to feel guilty, and I would be phoning the school and SS myself.

If this happened to my dc's half sister, I would look after her if I could, but I wouldn't drop work for it, I need the money and the knowledge that I would be able to take emergency leave for my own family.

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 19/10/2011 11:54

Just hypothetically, what if neither parent returns? Those saying not to cal SS, what then?

TheScaryJessie · 19/10/2011 11:54

Basically: this situation should not be covered up. The school and social services need to be kept informed!

cjbartlett · 19/10/2011 11:55

yes but she'll be assuming the father will be there no doubt

don't get why everyone is having a go at the mother when it's the father who has gone awol instead of ooking after his kids to emotionally blackmail his wife

briedog · 19/10/2011 11:56

Is this mother still in regular contact? I can't believe she actually got on the plane knowing all these arrangements were up in the air.

Someone here needs to be the responsible adult - if the two girls aren't happy with the responsibility (and I can't say I would be in their situation), and OP isn't able to take charge; then she needs to school and ask for their help. Someone needs to make sure these children are going to be safe in the future, as well as now.

cjbartlett · 19/10/2011 11:56

'Mother left on holiday before sorting anything out'

the sisters will look after the child until the mother can get a flight?

Bramshott · 19/10/2011 11:56

OP - it's not really in your hands though is it? Your DD1 has called social services, and said that she and her sister are looking after the children. So social services are aware of the situation. All you can do is support her, encourage her not to jeopardise her new job, and to call social services back if she can't in fact cope.

cjbartlett · 19/10/2011 11:57

sorry that was in answer to 'what if neither parent returns?'

briedog · 19/10/2011 11:57

@cjbartlett - "I don't get why everyone is having a go at the mother when it's the father who has gone awol instead of ooking after his kids to emotionally blackmail his wife"

Because the mother was at the airport, knowing there was no childcare in place, AND STILL GOT ON THE PLANE!

moonshineandspellbooks · 19/10/2011 11:58

We don't actually know what went on between the parents before this happened, just as we don't know why the SM chose to go away or the father chose to refuse to look after his own children. Neither does the OP.

What we do know is that two children are being cared for by a young woman who was put in an impossible situation and wants to do her best but is risking her job as a result.

It could be anything from poor planning and selfish behaviour right through to children being seriously neglected. We don't know, neither does the OP nor her daughters, all of whom are possibly too involved to see things objectively.

Social services are professionals who have the experience to determine what is going on here and what level of risk is posed to the children. All they are concerned about is the children, not who can be blamed.

slavetofilofax · 19/10/2011 11:58

she says she'llcome back if step daughter can't have them and if the dad doesn't come back

She knows her SD's have work of their own to do, she should be coming back anyway! She is every bit as much to blame for this as the Father.