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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
BoastingByStealth · 21/10/2011 22:39

Using the word "CARE" in it's loosest possible term....

LadyEvilEyes · 21/10/2011 22:40

Oh yes Rebel, please let us know what happened.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 21/10/2011 23:48

Sorry if this is all over the place! DD2 has given the DCs back to her father as advised to by SS.

I have spoken to DD1 briefly on the phone. She is at her friend's house. She had informed SS that The DCs were at my sister's address with DD2 and that her father would be coming home on Friday. SS have been in phone contact with both Ex and SM.

SM rang DD1's phone 44 times Friday morning while she was at work. When she finally got round to answering her SM demanded she give her DD2's number to tell her not to hand the DCs over to their father. DD1 refused and SM said in that case she was going to get a flight home right now Hmm

DD1 contacted her older half sister (my Ex's eldest child from his first marriage who lives a few hundred miles from us) and told her this latest development and Older Sister (OS) rang SM to tell her off for causing DD1 so much additional stress. SM called DD1 back and apologised.

SS advised DD2 to hand the DCs over to her father when he came for them. She was happy do do this to get it all over with. A family friend of ours stayed with her and took the DCs out to his car when he arrived at my sister's house.

Now that Ex has DD2's number he has left her a long soppy message about how he loves her and hopes she will come to see him. She has not seen him since Christmas Day 2008 and that was only while he was in his car outside our house collecting DD1 to take her to his house for the holiday.

DD1 is working extra hours this weekend to make up for the hours she lost travelling to get her brothers to school and home. I don't yet know whether SM got her flight home today.

I am proud of my DDs for their compassion and hard work but I am glad I persuaded DD1 to ring SS and she is glad she did it now too!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 21/10/2011 23:51

You have done the right thing, others were mistaken to think that SS would consider this acceptable and not get involved.

Your DD's were being put at risk in lots of ways and the DM is totally at fault for this.

chipmonkey · 22/10/2011 01:27

Good job SS were involved. Your dd's were great, stepping up to the plate like that but what a shame they had to.

plupervert · 22/10/2011 09:48

Huh. It sounds as though there's going to be a power struggle/custody battle now between your ex and his wife. I wonder if it will be the first time he's not just walked away from a child/children? Hmm

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 22/10/2011 09:56

I am happy to be wrong.

But in what way did SS get involved? This is not meant to be Hmm I am genuine.

What are they going to do?

I am very glad your DDs are able to get back to their own lives and sorry their dad is such a monumental scumbag.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 22/10/2011 10:06

It my not seem much but SS were able to advise DD2 to hand the kids over to her father when he arrived while SM was pressuring DD1 to keep them at my sister's house until she returns to UK on Monday.

Both DDs felt under pressure from SM, their father and differing advice from my family members and what they wanted to do. SS were the voice of authority and helped them to do what was right.

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 22/10/2011 10:15

I am glad they were helpful.

TBH that is the amount of involvement I would have expected but I am glad it helped.

They are very limited as to what they can do in situations like this.

Your ex really does sound like a total bloody idiot. Do you think his wife will carry out her threat to leave him?

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 10:20

OP your DDs are lovely, they did the right thing calling SS, if the SM is that concerned about her kids she would not have gone off without proper childcare provision in place, and would have come home as soon as she realised there was a problem, great priorities she has eh Hmm. OP does not sound cold and uncaring, actually she sounds the opposite, very caring and concerned, and it was lovely of her and her family (her sister, who no relation to these kids) to take them in like that, when their parents had all but abandoned them and tried to help them. Many people would not, and would have just called SS from the outset and let them deal with it.

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 10:22

Of course OP dd should do what SS has advised them and hand them over to the father, tough shit to the SM she should get her priorities right!

diddl · 22/10/2011 11:07

Yes-I agree that SM should have come back much sooner.

And to ask that the children not be handed to their father is bloody ridiculous.

marfisa · 22/10/2011 11:15

Yes, I can't believe that when the SM's children were being looked after by two teenage girls, she couldn't get a flight back until Monday, but as soon as she found out they are being looked after by their father, she can get a flight back tomorrow. Sad The father is just as bad or worse, obviously; if his wife is given to "swanning off on her own", that's all the more reason for him not to disappear and be completely unreachable for days at a time. It sounds like both parents are more interested in scoring points against each other than in taking care of their kids.

Well done to you and your daughters, OP. I think you've all been fantastic.

marfisa · 22/10/2011 11:20

Correction: I meant a flight back right now, not tomorrow.

vividgingerchilli · 22/10/2011 11:30

Why did their mum go abroad? Was it for a jolly or for a family problem?
I think I'd be inclined to get involved and try and help look after the children with your DCs and then address the issue with the Mum when she is back.
Do you have any involvement with the new family?

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 11:32

Both parents are bad as each other fgs

vividgingerchilli · 22/10/2011 11:32

Can your DD2 stay with them when you go to the concert and then have the children stay with you at your house for the 2 weeks/until their father comes back?
What about grandparents, aunts, uncles etc?

vividgingerchilli · 22/10/2011 11:33

agreed pigletmania

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 11:44

Don't think SM really cares if she did she would be on that flight home as soon as she heard there were problems, as for the father well what a waster.

SweatTart · 22/10/2011 12:39

Agreed, marfisa suddenly SM can get an immediate flight back???

Originally the DD was to look after the boys til the Dad turned up, which everyone hoped would be the first night. Now she says don't hand them over, she's coming home?

You're well shut, OP, and I hope your DDs don't get dragged into the arguements between man and wife when SM returns.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2011 15:19

This whole scenario looks like a deus ex machina (the prize twat) controlling everyone just by virtue of not answering his phone, getting his own way by what is essentially blackmail and manipulation. I hope since SS have spoken to both of them, they realise what they are dealing with.

Jux · 22/10/2011 15:20

What a pair of shits. So DM discovers that the boys are going to be picked up by their dad and says "Oh well, I'll get a flight back now, then". So she wasn't that bothered before. It implies that she could have got a flight back long before she actually has/did.

They are both as bad as each other and your dd's are well out of it. Don't get me wrong, I am very sorry for those two boys who are caught in the middle of their parents' struggle for power, but it is not your responsibility, nor that of your dds.

I hope they decide to keep out of it next time, as those boys deserve better. (I don't mean better than your dds, I mean better parents, and with luck they'll get them.)

PartyPooperz · 22/10/2011 15:49

Well done OP - hope you haven't taken any of the negatives on board. Very much agree with Wooooooppity - what an utter crock of shit was heaved at you - esp. "Yet the OP doesn't seem to have done anything at all to support her DDs or their brothers other than to suggest SS take over, against her adult daughters' wishes. She has been to a pop concert, refused to take leave from work, and had no contact with the boys at all"

Not sure how the no doubt angelic saintly selfless posters posting that kind of gubbins have the time for it, seeing as they have refused to give up MNing time to man the soup kitchens/help the poor! Utterly risible.

V much hope SS have a stern word with both parents in this situation and there are consequences for both (and not the poor little boys)

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 22/10/2011 16:39

First of all ExH is a twat. Full stop. Not defending him in any way whatsoever!
But people defending the mother saying she thought her H wouldnt really leave the DCs... If I thought this and got on a plane, the second I landed, I would have checked the situation, and got a plane back the other way if he had really done it. If I couldnt get a plane I would have fucking WALKED!! Angry
These poor poor little boys :(

PS, not surprised to find out that H has more children dotted around the country!!

Well done OP, you've been brilliant :) x

abendbrot · 23/10/2011 01:26

I'm glad SS have helped dds make the decision about the children, OP. Let's hope this will give the family the kick up the arse they need to clean up or clear out of the relationship.