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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow these kids to be taken into care?

352 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:25

Long story. I hope you can make some sense of this.

I have 2DDs age 18 and19 I have brought up alone since they were toddlers.
Their father has come in and out of their lives as he pleased and is now married with 2 DS's age 4 and 7.

DD1(19yo) has recently started a new job after a few months of unemployment. She got a call yesterday morning from her father's wife (SM) who was in tears as she was about to get on a plane to visit relatives abroad for 2 weeks, she had left her children at school to be collected by their father and he had left home and was unable to be contacted. He had told his wife that he would not be there for the kids so she had better come home. DD tried to contact him but he is also ignoring her.

DD asked her boss if she could leave work earlier to collect the children from the after school club and get the key from a neighbour to take the kids home. This is costing DD in wages as well as bus fare for a 15 mile journey to their house.

SM asked DD to take care of her DCs for the 2 weeks while she was away. DD said she would leave work early to collect them Tuesday (yesterday) and Wednesday but she would not be able to get them this Thursday as she is going to see Erasure in concert with me. Also it is half term next week and DD is worried about jeopardising her new job. SM told her that if her father had not returned home by this Thursday that she would get an emergency flight home.

DD1 has now roped in DD2(18) who is due to return home from uni this Thursday to stay with the DCs on Thursday night while we go to the concert. She has also arranged for the DCs to stay at my sister's house (the DCs have never met her) on Friday night as DD2 has a job over here too. Now the SM is saying she can't get a flight home until Sunday or Monday.

My DDs are very upset and stressed in this situation that they cannot cope with. I have pleaded with DD to contact Social Services to tell them the DCs have been abandoned. She has now done this but has told them she is looking after the DCs because she doesn't want them taken into care. I have asked her why she is so worried about that - she is obviously unable to cope with them herself. She says it is because the DCs were not born in this country. I don't understand what that has got to do with it!

I have not seen DD face to face yet. All my contact with DD has been by phone as I work long hours. I will see her tomorrow. I think she would be best to let SS take over. AIBU?

OP posts:
SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 19/10/2011 10:45

Quintessential that's exactly what I was thinking. If both parents can just swan off, maybe it is better for them to be taken out of the family home.

I just can't wrap my head around someone knowing that their children have nobody to look after them and still jetting off. If it were me, I'd take a monetary hit and miss the flight instead of leaving them.

Sirzy · 19/10/2011 10:45

The mum phoned before she boarded the plane so was aware there was an issue so why did she get on the plane? If she had been there then the problem had occured and was getting the first flight back fair enough but she left the country with no care sorted

Bloodymary · 19/10/2011 10:47

Perhaps if you somehow all pull together and look after the children until the SM gets home (Sun. /Mon.) wasnt it ?
Then have a serious talk with her.
Surely she would not do it again???

Maryz · 19/10/2011 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bobthebuddha · 19/10/2011 10:48

spiderpig8, I don't think the mother 'sounds dreadful' simply on the strength of what we know so far. She was in tears at the airport & for all we know she could be doing a mercy dash to a dying parent. OP, please try & speak to her before something so extreme as their being taken into care happens...they're only little & probably confused & upset enough as it is.

caramelwaffle · 19/10/2011 10:48

The mother arranged her trip leaving the children in appropriate care: the school, and her husband. The husband abandoned his children.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/10/2011 10:49

It's all irrelevant who is being controlled or who is in the wrong.

YOU report to Social Services - they investigate, they place the children in temporary care until a responsible adult is able to care for them.

ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight · 19/10/2011 10:50

What a horrible situation. I would definitely contact SS - and I would be telling them that as an adult connected to these children by your DDs, you will help in whatever way you can. But I would say it is definitely too complicated a situation for you to have to (or to be able to) deal with on your own. Even if you are going to help, you need the support of the SS.

tabulahrasa · 19/10/2011 10:51

hmm, It's their parents' responsibility and their mother shouldn't have got on a plane without knowing they were being looked after - their parents have abandoned them and I'd want SS to be fully aware of the situation.

But, I think you're in a bit of a no win situation as far as your DDs are concerned - to you they're your ex's DC, but they are your DDs brothers and they're going to feel horrible if they feel that it is their fault that they end up in care. (I'm not saying it would be, but I think they might feel like that)

BreeVanDerTramp · 19/10/2011 10:51

I may be naive but perhaps SS would support your DDs to care for the children until their mother returns?

NonnoMum · 19/10/2011 10:52

Please contact THE SCHOOL urgently.
Explain the situation - they will have contacts with SS.

These children ARE NOT the responsibilty of the teenage half sisters.

The family is very likely to be on the AT RISK register anyway.

By contacting the school you are involving other professional immediately and you and your daughters can't then be accused of abandoning these children for an Erasure concert. Your daughter needs to work. The children are the responsibilty of the parents and NO WAY should they have half-baked plans in place for childcare.

Please phone now.

ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight · 19/10/2011 10:54

BTW SS don't work on an 'all or nothing' basis. They wont just jump in and decide to take the children away from the parents here - they will make sure the children are safe in the interim - ie either with you & your DD or whatever you all come up with - then they will take steps to get the mother/father back here to take whatever steps happen next.

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/10/2011 10:54

It is a very confusing situation for me. I don't know why they have left their DS's like this, I wouldn't be surprised if they blame one another. I always knew my ex was a waste of space but I thought he must have changed by now. I never thought he would do this to his young DS's.

I don't know the SM - I have never met her but my DD's get on with her especially DD1. DD feels that if SS take the kids that it will be HER fault. I am struggling to persuade her otherwise. This is the kind of girl she is.

OP posts:
AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 19/10/2011 10:54

Child abandonment is serious. I would call ss

Maryz · 19/10/2011 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 19/10/2011 10:58

Don't let them go into care...theyre half siblings to your DD and that's family...to me anyway.

My DD has a half sister and her MOther is a totaly nightmare but to me, she is just as important as my own DDs...

SolidGoldVampireBat · 19/10/2011 10:59

Ask social services for help by all means, but don't just wash your hands of these boys because you hate their father. Your DDs clearly love and care about their little brothers, and if you insist that they walk away, your DDs will turn their distress and anger onto you.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 19/10/2011 10:59

What Maryz said too

zdcgbjm · 19/10/2011 11:00

Those poor kids :( they've been badly let down by both parents. SS need to know but I hope it doesn't end up with them in care.

TipOfTheSlung · 19/10/2011 11:02

Trust your daughters. If your dds like the stepmother then chances are she is legit and hasd been screwed over by the father. In which case I can only imagine how it would feel for her to come home to find ss involved. At the moment the dss are ebing cared for by adults, they may be your children but they are still adults. I would be tempted to report the ex for abandonment though

ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight · 19/10/2011 11:02

Please call SS or at least the children's school for help and advice. You cannot and should not be expected to deal with this alone - and nor should your DD. If you make sure your DD is involved with the process and can help in some way, ie maybe by helping look after the children in the interim whilst the SS are locating the parents - it will help her too. Your DD needs to be helped to see that it is not her responsibility to cover up for her dad & Step mum. It is her (and your) responsibility to make sure the situation is dealt with properly so something like this doesn't happen again (IMO).

FairhairedandFrustrated · 19/10/2011 11:03

Report to SS.

It's unfair that your two teenage daughters are left to care for children.

If they had had offered to care for them, an entirely different situation would be unravelling, but these poor children were dumped on their step siblings with neither warning or discussion.

The father sounds like a waste of space.

I doubt if any talking with the mum of the children will make any difference. Either way, it's not your responsibility to care for the children, it will likely be better in the longrun for the children to be taken in by someone who will take actual care of them instead of them feeling all at sea, which is, I'm sure, how they're feeling now!

It doesn't sound to me like they have a loving family home :(

plupervert · 19/10/2011 11:04

The mother (SM) doesn't sound entirely to blame; she sounds horrified that the situation has got to this. She may be guilty of trying to force her husband to step up to take the responsibilities he agreed to, but haven't many of us tried to force a reclacitrant OH to realise "what we do all day"/ that he won't die if he has to change a nappy/ that his time is not more important than ours, etc.?

She seems to have miscalculated with him, but only because he isn't really human. What a shameless shit he is!

TheScaryJessie · 19/10/2011 11:04

How often do women on here get advised to go away for a few days and thereby force their shirking husbands/partners to take responsibility for a change? It's a lot.

The father needs to be reported for child abandonment, definitely. I'm not sure the mother does.

For heaven's sake, make sure the school has been informed of what the hell's going on.

CaptainNancy · 19/10/2011 11:05

I don't see how SM is at fault- she made arrangements for the children- they were supposed to be at home as normal with their father.

Please step in if you can to prevent these children going into the care system- I presume they know you and your DDs a little? By all means involve social services though.