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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

386 replies

pinkyp · 17/10/2011 11:21

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 17/10/2011 23:07

I'm not defensive - why do you think I should be? I do refuse to accept the premise that babies and children in nursery are suffering from an inadequate upbringing. Have you been to a nursery baby room recently? Because tbh you're spouting nonsense now.

DuelingFanjo · 17/10/2011 23:09

see...?

hides thread.

Sillyoldelf · 17/10/2011 23:11

I wouldn't put a child under 2 in private nursery either ( and I didn't ) . It's not a criticism . You may have to wait and see. Some babies never thrive in nursery, and some apparently do.

KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 23:11

Yes, 3 in as many weeks. One, with an excellent ofsted rating had a baby asleep in a bouncer, alone in a room - no carer whatsoever. Another had a tiny baby room full of babies which were just sitting passively in bouncers while some were being bottle fed by nurses. Pitiful sight.

Another, which was as yet unrated at the time I saw it and since has an average rating, had a red faced baby crying unconsolably in a bouncer (well, who knows, because no-one was trying to console him or her).

AnnieLobeseder · 17/10/2011 23:13

Let me say it again, in case you didn't hear the first time.

Telling people that their decisions, which are usually based on necessity, are wrong and harmful to their children and then citing dubious 'research' is just unnecessary, unhelpful and downright spiteful.

Do you think working parents will read these posts about the horrors of baby rooms in nursery and think to themselves, "Why, I thought little Johnny was happy in nursery. He smiles and laughs when we pull into the car park, the staff and other children always welcome him warmly, he is growing and thriving in the care of the nursery. But random people on the internet have told me he is not being loved, nurtured or cared for. Oh no, how blind and foolish I have been! I shall remove him from nursery immediately, and quit my job. I won't able to feed, clothe or house him. But he will be nurtured and loved by his own flesh and blood, and lord knows that's all that matters. Thank you, oh random strangers on Mumsnet for opening my eyes to the truth."

FFS.

KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 23:14

No spite. No research citations from me either.

Northernlurker · 17/10/2011 23:15

How do you want them to feed the babies? Nice dig at bottle feeding there.

I hate to shatter your bubble but in my home all my dcs sat in bouncers sometimes. My babies all cried inconsolably too at various points. That's errrr what babies do sometimes as life goes on around them.

foreverondiet · 17/10/2011 23:16

Don't judge the nursery until your DC has actually started there. I had a bad experience and I took my child out after a couple of months and did a nanny share instead (wasn't actually any more expensive)....

But I think the (nursery) experience was bad for me as the mother and not particularly bad for DD, don't think it affected her.

AnnieLobeseder · 17/10/2011 23:16

KCHNER - perhaps I missed it upthread. Why are you visiting nurseries?

Some nurseries are shit. Sad but true. Some parents are shit. Even sadder but no less true. At least children in a shit nursery can easily be moved to a good one.

KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 23:23

Went with a friend who was trying to make a choice. She's opting for a nanny instead. We were really underwhelmed.

KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 23:24

Yeah, I bottle fed. No dig intended.

tryingtoleave · 17/10/2011 23:52

I am amazed by all this talk of masses of cuddles. I have never seen childcare where the children are being cuddled a lot. I have visited a lot looking for cc for my dcs, and I always spent several days sitting around in them before I decided. I have seen staff who told me that they try not to pick up the children because then 'they all want to be picked up'. I went to one where a little new boy, just two, was wandering round in circles, crying 'mummy, mummy', completely ignored by the staff who were sitting around doing not much. I asked the director if they didn't cuddle the children to settle them in. She said 'we will pick them up if they are crying, but if they keep crying we just put them down again since it's a waste of time'. I have seen a little toddler pull another child across the room by her hair and no one noticed. I have seen little kids crying for days - so it is ridiculous to say it is harder for the mother. And, I have known people who have used these childcares, and recommended them to me and said how 'loving' they were. So I think parents deceive themselves a lot.

And of course staff are different when parents are around. The first time I tried to leave my ds in childcare (at 18 months) I had spent a lot of time observing the childcare. I left him and returned back after 2 hours - much earlier then they expected me. I found him sitting in the corner, crying hysterically (had obviously been crying for a while) and ignored. I never found out exactly what happened, but I wasn't able to put him back in childcare until he was three, after that.

DrCoconut · 17/10/2011 23:57

As I said I have turned up at random times to see/collect DS2 and never found anything untoward. If he had been left crying (which he would do if not paid attention!) I would be able to tell because when he cries he goes very red and teary and it takes a while to fade. So far nursery has worked out OK and is not in any way horrific or neglectful. I just want mums not to feel guilty or bad for using childcare. I allowed myself to be guilt tripped at first but now I won't have it any more. We are doing what we have to do.

Northernlurker · 18/10/2011 00:05

DrCoconut - I agree. I've used nurseries since dd1 was little - she is 13 now. I have never been concerned and in fact have seen many, many happy children as well as my own. Dd3's nursery has a baby room run by a woman in her fifties. She has been there for years and she cuddles the babies - as do the other staff.

tryingtoleave · 18/10/2011 00:05

Dr Coconut, I think that is the only way to choose/judge a nursery. But I think a lot of people don't do that and then just tell you how loving and cuddly the nursery is because they give your dc a cuddle and tell you how wonderful they are when you come to pick them up.

tryingtoleave · 18/10/2011 00:10

But also, it is not always about just not crying. The whole aim of a lot of the childcares (like controlled crying, it seems to me) is to set up a relationship with the children, from the beginning, where the children don't expect much of a response from the carers. Obviously they can't pat all the children to sleep, help them all with their food, pick them up when they want to be - so they make sure the children are taught that from the beginning. That is why children behave better at childcare (although I think naughty boys, in particular, have an awful time) and why childcare workers think that they have all the answers about child rearing (until they have their own).

If, like Northernlurker, you think that is the way that babies are usually treated, at home, then you would be fine with that. If you try to be more responsive then you will more likely be upset at the way childcare is run.

DuelingFanjo · 18/10/2011 00:10

I walked in unannounced to see my son at lunchtime last week and one of the wonderful nursery nurses was giving my DS a lovely cuddle, he was very nearly asleep and I considered just leaving and going back later as he looked so content. I have also arrived un-announced and seen babies crying. It happens but it doesn't mean they are neglected.

tryingtoleave · 18/10/2011 00:17

It is very very unlikely that anyone is ever going to tell you that their nursery is not fantastic. No parent could admit to that. That's why it's one area where recommendations are not very helpful.

Original poster

pinkyp · 18/10/2011 00:19

Dh asked me if I was looking forward to my new job, I'm looking forward to payday and that's it! Lol.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 18/10/2011 00:20

Oh yes that's right tryingtoleave - I universally ignored my many children, keeping them in hutches like battery hens for about three weeks before packing them off to nursery. It would have bought me out in an allergic rash had I had to pick them up. In fact I wonder why I bothered to have them at all.

tryingtoleave · 18/10/2011 00:21

I wouldn't know about that - you said your babies cried inconsolably and suggested that was normal.

Northernlurker · 18/10/2011 00:27

Yes that's right - sometimes babies do cry inconsolably no matter what they are offered. Dh usually ended up driving around the ring road with them in that case. When we had dd1 we had no car so he walked round the village with a screaming baby in the pram. If only we had known you tryingtoleave - you could have come and told us what we were doing wrong. Gosh - how we missed out.

tryingtoleave · 18/10/2011 00:32

Yup, your loss.

Actually, I presume you're talking about those early newborn days when they can't get to sleep and would be unlikely to be in nursery. So a great deal different from an older baby/toddler and not really relevant to the discussion in the first place.

alwayspoor · 18/10/2011 00:36

OP my DD has been in nursery part time from age 6 months, she likes it and we are happy with it. You have a few choices a) take the job and see how you go b) look for PT work C) Have a long hard look at your life style, could you manage without working and do you want to manage

MsTownmouse · 18/10/2011 01:12

I cried when I dropped my DS for the first time at nursery. I cried when he had his last day. He loved it. If you have chosen a good nursery it is all part of life - they do other things as they get older. What I personally liked about nurseries is that you can drop in any time and see how they are , they (in my experience ) have a choice of children they can make friends with , and they are well regulated. I know there has been the odd horror story , but it is exactly that - odd and unusual. My DS made good friends and I truly believe he is so much more sociable having had a wide range of friends early on. My advice is - if it looks and feels good - do it. You will blub when he goes (I did ) but that's natural. You will probably blub on his last last day (as did I) . BTW my DS who is now 14 and 6" will not let me throw away his nursery T shirt.

Make your own decision but FWIW I think a good nursery is a treasure

MsT

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