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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

386 replies

pinkyp · 17/10/2011 11:21

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

OP posts:

MurderBloodstabsandgore · 17/10/2011 13:12

OP get out there and visit some nurseries pronto.

Just ring them all up and go and see.

You won't know until you visit.

Dialsmavis · 17/10/2011 13:23

My DD has just started nursery 2 days a week, she is 11 months old (just). So I really know how you feel. Go and look at as many nurseries and childminders you can. I really thought I wanted a childminder but when I met a few and looked at some nurseries the Nursery option was surprisingly much better for us. My point is I went in to the idea absolutely set on one option and then decided on the opposite so there is know way of knowing until you look at all options. It is only 2 days a week and you will know if your baby is happy.

I am still wibbly about the whole thing, but there is no other option so I have to get used to it and it is getting easier every week, good luck! where do you live? someone may have some recomendations. My local council provides a list off all childcare with current vacancies [hsmile]

winnybella · 17/10/2011 13:31

DD has just started a nursery at 2.8 and we were given tour of the entire place twice plus I have spoken to mums whose children are 6-10 months and who have just started there. All the babies looked really content, crawling/playing, having nursery workers fussing over them. Mums also said that their dcs seem unperturbed by the recent change.

2 days a week- he'll be fine. Really.

DuelingFanjo · 17/10/2011 13:40

PinkyP

I really feel for you, you poor thing.

My DS is 10 months old and has been in nursery for about a month. I HATED it at first, and I still have the odd moment where I worry. Everyone told me it's hard to start with but until you do it you have no idea how hard it is :( The good thing is that most babies really do settle and end up loving it and you do start feeling more happy about it. My son had a very gentle settling in period, I took lots of half days - can you do that? I found it worked best to put him in several days on the trot but only for half days so he got used to the idea that he was going there every day but then we both had the lovely reunion and afternoon together. it got me in the right frame of mind for work too.

like smellimelli and others have said it takes some getting used to for both of you but it has so many benefits. I feel so much happier being back in work and DS is always very happy when I pick him up.

Don't let others make you feel guilty either, your baby will be fine. I had to stop listening to the 'nursery makes unhappy children' brigade and will probably hide this thread now as I know how these usually end up.

You will both be fine.

shaz298 · 17/10/2011 13:50

Well to out a different spin on it........when I was PG with DS I had planned to return to work 3 days per week as we couldn't afford for me not to return. I hatewd the idea and wanted to be SAHM but it just wasn't possible financially. We lived abroad at the time.

Well DS had other plans. He was born on time but was verey very poorly. Spent 10 weeks in NICU a futher 3 on the ward before comiong home for the 1st time. He wasn't expected to make it, but thankfully he did. We have spent our time since then either in hospital with him or attending lots of different appointments. ( He averaged 25-35 hospital admissions per year from age 1-5, this year has been better) He has lots of different health issues, no diagnosis and it was simply not possible for me to return to work.

Are we bankrupt...nope! So although I would take oaa of DS's difficulties and trade them in and go to work, him being unwell forced us to make a decision we hadn't thought possible. In hindsight I could have chosen to be SAHM. DS made that decision for us. You just have to cut your cloth to fit, so to speak.

Can yo have another think about your finances and if you REALLY want to be a SAHM then maybe there is a way :) xx

Original poster

pinkyp · 17/10/2011 18:02

There really isnt away - well suppose there is but it means living on minimal cheapest of cheap things, no days out, new clothes etc which to me isnt living.

Feel a bit better as a woman i use to work with is now a child minder :) AND she has a place for my ds so were going to meet up later in the week. Feel lots better now i've found someone as she is really nice.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 17/10/2011 18:48

You've done really well to find someone so quickly. Baby places are generally quite tough at short notice because the ratios for nursery etc staff are higher.
I hope your visit goes really well. Are you going to ring around and get some back ups as well?

Working has benefits for your family too and you will be parenting your child for the rest of your life, God willing, so this is really not the MASSIVE thing it can seem. Just get out there and try it. It's a job not being sold in to slavery. If you don't like it then breathe and start again. Fwiw my dd3 has been in nursery since she was a year old. I think she's turning out fine

RitaMorgan · 17/10/2011 19:08

I wouldn't choose a nursery for full time care of a baby. Childminder sounds like a good bet to me.

wonkylegs · 17/10/2011 19:14

My DS loves nursery - he's been FT since he was 7mths old. He's got loads of friends, does loads of stuff he wouldn't do with me and is generally a well balanced, happy and bright individual.
Despite being ft we have a great relationship and altho we sometimes have tears (best friend left to go to school ) generally nursery is a good thing.
Hope you can take something positive from this. Kids are very adaptable, I think parents less so
I enjoy my job and can't wait til DS is big enough for me to take out on site and share what I do with him.

jamaisjedors · 17/10/2011 19:29

wow that's great. I would go for a childminder every time.

As I often say, my 2 DS (and us ) are now part of our lovely childminder's family - invited to family parties, weddings etc.

MrBloomsNursery · 17/10/2011 19:31

What's wrong with the nurseries? Do they serve jam sandwiches and are filled with children dressed in ASDA and Tesco or something?

Olivetti · 17/10/2011 19:42

I've never wanted my baby to go to a nursery, had huge rows with family over it. It's just a personal opinion, and ultimately nobody can be totally right or totall wrong on this, but I feel that a baby needs a one-to-one bond with a carer. I don't really buy all the "getting them to socialise" stuff, but I could be wrong. It's hard for all women, really - there's no perfect answer.

Proudnscary · 17/10/2011 20:04

I preferred nursery to childminder, more accountable, easier to discuss any issues without worrying about it getting personal.
And re 'one to one' bond with carer, Olivetti, most childminders have several kids to look after. It also depends on the childminder!
Nursery was wonderful for both our two, don't worry about it, have some faith and well done on the job.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/10/2011 20:05

DD has been with our CM since she was 9mo. I returned to work 3 days a week, then did 4 days and have been full time since April this year (DD was two in August). Our CM is fab and DD loves it there. We also viewed a nursery when my hours increased and it was lovely too, but were pleased when our CM was able to do the extra day. I don't think a nursery was for us or DD.

What I love about a CM is that DD mixes with lots of different age children, which has really helped her development. She also does loads of crafts and other things that I wasn't really doing with her. We have a lovely time in the evenings and at weekends, and it makes our time more precious with her.

Personally, I'd say give it a whirl. The worst case scenario is that you don't enjoy the new job and therefore look for something else or quit and live on value beans I'm not so sure there's too much to lose by trying it out.

RitaMorgan · 17/10/2011 20:09

The bond is still one on one though Proudnscary, between each child and the childminder - as opposed to a nursery where several members of staff care for the children, with replacements for breaks, holidays, staff moving between rooms and moving jobs, children moving rooms etc.

tralalala · 17/10/2011 20:13

definately go for a CM, mine is amazing, had to visit about 6 to find one I liked, she carries on doing drop off/pick up so looks after them for 11 years. My kids love her, the bond she has with them is so lovely. Whereas my nephew still doesn't know the names of some of the people looking after him at nursery as they keep changing, my sister is now looking for a CM as she has been so disappointed.

BoffinMum · 17/10/2011 20:14

I'm an educationalist, put two of mine in nursery, they loved it, all was OK.

You always have the option of trying it out for a few weeks and stopping if you really find it upsetting still. It's not really a permanent decision and your child won't be harmed by the experiment.

Olivetti · 17/10/2011 20:16

Rita, do you work for a nursery? It's not an accusation I just saw you on the other nursery thread talking about all sorts of lovely puddings. Made me hungry as a result.

maswera · 17/10/2011 20:29

I was also dreading DS going to nursery - I cried just going to look at them. But I eventually got used to it after about.... two hours! Seriously, it's great - someone else changes pooey nappies and deals with screaming fits while you can go and talk to adults, have a cup of tea in peace and remember that you are a professional. What's not to love

DuelingFanjo · 17/10/2011 20:40

if there was a like function I would like Maswera's post, though my DS always poos 5 minutes before I leave for work

PointyBlackHat · 17/10/2011 20:40

My two both went to nursery from 6 months - no 9 months paid mat leave then... It was a lovely, small, family-run nursery with very low staff turnover and my DDs had the same key worker from the baby stage all the way to when they left school. I still cried for the first 3 weeks with DD1 (but not with DD2, I knew in my gut she would be fine).

They're now 8 and 10, confident bright little girls (with killer immune systems) with lots of friends. I think a lot of outcome depends on what you as a working parent do with the time that you do have with them. Mine didn't have ballet/karate/violin and all kinds of other lessons after school and on weekends - we just took them swimming and gave them lessons because that's a life skill. What we did do when we were with them was lots of lap time, reading to them, doing crafts and baking and vegging out in the garden with paddling pools and the sand pit. It meant that we didn't really have a life until they were in bed and not much of a weekend social life either, but we made the most of the time we did have because it was so precious.

RitaMorgan · 17/10/2011 20:49

I do Olivetti.

minsmum · 17/10/2011 20:53

My ds went to nursery from 6 months she is now doing her as's and is still friends with some of the children she went to nursery with even though they all went to different schools. She loved nursery and even now when we go past on the train she mentions how much she enjoyed it.

Olivetti · 17/10/2011 21:05

Rita, so would you genuinely not recommend it? Don't you like your own nursery?

scottishmummy · 17/10/2011 21:08

Oh stop being so maudlin get on with finding nursery place.really handwringing what ifs isn't solution.no nursery isn't same as home,nor is cm.but you accept that and get on with it. You're probably nervous about starting work,understandably. But this is fab oppurtunity and baby will settle.most likely it's you who will have a bigger wobble

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