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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

386 replies

pinkyp · 17/10/2011 11:21

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 17/10/2011 21:14

My nursery is great, but we only take over 2s. My 14 month old goes to an amazing nursery too, two mornings a week. But I don't think nurseries are suitable for full time care for under 2s, especially with the ratios most operate at.

Meglet · 17/10/2011 21:15

They might not love your child like you do. But neither will they shout, give in to requests for biscuits, refuse to let him paint inside and stick cbeebies on. . And he will get loads of attention from lots of adults.

He will be safe, make lots of friends and have loads of fun. And he will get masses of cuddles.

My dc's nursery is lovely. They're just extended family really .

nickschick · 17/10/2011 21:18

I cant read all the answers but please let me explain to you - Im a nursery nurse and when Im at work (currently a sahm) I love your dc in a similar way that I love my own,its a privilege for me to be able to care for your dc - im not as good as a mummy or a daddy cos that kind of love cant be copied but in your absence im the very best person to have your dc - ive trained to do my job and I can stimulate and encourage your childs development from a professional perspective equally I can feel proud of the milestones they reach and feel sadness when they tumble and when they nap I can feel marvel at how their tiny ears wiggle as they sleep.
Im not choosy I love all my charges older or younger shy or mischievous,I appreciate that I am a part of their and im commited to making them as happy as I can and these are joys I can relate to you as their number one,their Mummy.

Im not taking your dc away from you,Im doing my job whilst you do yours its advantageous for your dc to have a childhood with people who love them and love isnt measured in hours per day- in fact I could spend all day playing in the sand with your dc making sure hes eaten his lunch and that his wellies havent rubbed the tiny little toes inside but when that door opens and his mummy is stood there his face lights up and my job ends for the day .........

Accept me for who I am - theres no competition and if there was Id come second and thats my rightful place.

scottishmummy · 17/10/2011 21:21

Folk will pop up and tell you how they eked out an existence on value beans and no consumer durables.obvious implication being well if they can,why can't you? pragmatically if you use nursery you grow a thicker skin,you ignore the face,and the precious moments mamas. And you are making a positive contribution and being a good role model.so chin up

DuelingFanjo · 17/10/2011 21:22

scottishmummy · 17/10/2011 21:27

Nice post nicks chick change from all the doom mongering day care orphanage and biddulpph tambourines

BertieBotts · 17/10/2011 21:33

That's great news pinkyp :) I think childminders are great - especially if you find one you really click with.

If it doesn't work out with your friend, try asking at the children's centre if you could go along to one of their childminder sessions. You'll be able to meet a few childminders, see how they interact with the children, and any you like, you could get further details from.

salvadory · 17/10/2011 21:40

Loved reading your post NicksChick, I still feel quite guilty leaving my DD (21months) at nursery but if her key worker is half as nice as you sound(and she seems it) then I feel reassured.

malakadoush · 17/10/2011 21:49

Great post Nickschick and OP my DD's went to nursery from 6 months and I was consumed with guilt and missed them horribly - couldn't wait to pick them up. But you know what - they loved it and it has made them confident girls. The nursery they went to was fab and the carers there were excellent and I could tell they looked after them properly. He will be fine, you will be worse than he is!

Good luck with the new job.

PointyBlackHat · 17/10/2011 21:50

Fabulous post, NickChicks - this was exactly what the staff at my DDs' nursery were like.

nickschick · 17/10/2011 21:58

My very first charges still visit me they are in their 20s and Im vv proud of them all (in fact the little girl whom I cared for whilst on work experience whilst at school myself)is now a mum of 3 herself!!.

nickschick · 17/10/2011 21:59

Ty salvadory .

skybluepearl · 17/10/2011 21:59

I'm really not sure about full time nursery for under 2's either Rita.

You will be a great role model and make a valuable contibution weather you decide to stay at home or go to work. Or do both and go part time.

MissBeehiving · 17/10/2011 22:00

Great post nickschick.

The nursery staff at our nursery are great. My DS1 really benefited from being in that setting and is a happy and confident 7yo. DS2 (2yo) loves it as well.

DrCoconut · 17/10/2011 22:08

I went back to work recently, this is my 3rd week. DS2 is 6 months and goes to nursery 3 days a week. I was so worried about going back but like many could not afford to be off any longer. He has cried a bit at first but is settling in well and genuinely looked happy when I went to collect him last week. He smiles at the ladies there (wouldn't if he was scared or unhappy with them) , eats and sleeps well and I have never found him unattended despite turning up at different times. He is his usual self at home too - no sign of anxiety or stress. There are so many horror stories designed to lay a massive guilt trip on working mums (e.g. DM) but really it has not been as bad as I expected. I think finding a nursery you like is key, your instinct will tell you when you look round. Good luck.

Milliways · 17/10/2011 22:08

My DD was in nursery for 3dpw at 6m old, and full time from 18m. DS had a child minder from 6m-2y, then nursery 3dpw (DD at school then).

For both of them nursery was a fun, safe place. They both adjusted well (and yes, I did cry a bit at times).School was a breeze as they were used to working with other adults and children, and they both made friends very quickly.

Now they are grown up I have talked to them about childcare - they were fine with it, and bear me no hard feelings for not being a SAHM. I know DD went through a stage where she outgrew the after school club, and we had to re-think plans. It was easier when they could tell you about their days themselves, but i you do your research well & trust your instincts you can find a great nursery.

Good luck with the job too.

allagory · 17/10/2011 22:18

Exactly 1 year ago I sat and bawled my eyes out at the thought of my son going to nursery just like you. You know those girls who work in the nursery do so because they LOVE babies. My son gets cuddles and kisses all day long from those girls. He has to squirm away from them to get on with his playing! He now his 2 little friends and they tear around the place, going down the slide and building towers. Today he brought me home a lovely picture he'd made. He'll be fine. It's you that's the worry..

KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 22:29

I agree with Rita, way up the page... I don't think nursery is a highly satisfactory setting for under 2's full time. Nurseries are institutions which cannot cater for the individual needs of babies/young toddlers, given the ratios and other work requirements of a nursery nurse's role.

That said, there are young babies/toddlers who seem to tolerate the setting well even f/t. That depends very much on temperament. But whether they tolerate it or not - there's no way the level of stimulation/care/bonding at nursery can match a good home environment.

AnnieLobeseder · 17/10/2011 22:41

KCEHNR and the rest of the anti-nursery crowd - I think you'll find a nursery is a far preferable environment to a stressed, depressed and desperately unhappy SAHM who struggles to find creative and interesting things to do with her children, ie, mothers like me. We're not all born with a talent for stimulating and entertaining children. Lord knows I'm not, and the workers in my DDs nursery are far better at it than me, plus have training. If you'd seen my children when I was a SAHM, you'd have felt very sorry for them. Now I work full time and we're all much happier.

I'm baffled by people who are so convinced that a child's mother is the person best qualified to nurture them. I love my DDs with all my heart, and so I'm more than happy to let people who are far better at it than me look after them all day.

OP, it's really hard when you first go back to work. Change is always scary. But as you get into your routine and you and your baby form a bond with your childminder, you'll be amazed at how well it all works and you'll laugh at how worried you were. Be strong, you'll all be fine.

KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 22:46

Annie - true - if you're not up for being a SAHM, then it's a better alternative to send your child to nursery than to all sit at home miserable. Absolutely.

These decisions are not easy by any means. I think it's an easier road in some respects (for a woman) if your baby is ok with being in nursery & you really want to go back to work.

Northernlurker · 17/10/2011 22:54

Just to point out - some of us are working not because we were miserable at home but because we get a range of benefits from working outside the home. You don't become a less adequate parent when you decide to use childcare and it puzzles me why some posters insist on implying that you do.

AnnieLobeseder · 17/10/2011 22:56

Damn right it is!

Guilt-free WOHM here! I feel very sorry for women who are torn by the decision though. And even more sorry for those women who feel they are doing the right thing for themselves and their DC, but who are made to feel guilty by random busybodies who should mind their own business.

With very few exceptions, all parents do the best they can for their children. Telling people that their decisions, which are usually based on necessity, are wrong and harmful to their children and then citing dubious 'research' is just unnecessary, unhelpful and downright spiteful.

DuelingFanjo · 17/10/2011 23:01

I LOVE being back in work, I am a much nicer and happier person when at home now. I love the time I spend with my son and although I did like maternity leave and I did feel nervous about the nursery I am so glad I went back to work. Thats not to say I would carry on working if I had a lottery win but I would definitely not want to be a full time sahm.

KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 23:01

The question was raised and it's being met with people with different view points. That's the purpose of a discussion board. So please stop being so defensive.

Parenting isn't something you do through someone else. If you are at work full time, and your baby is in a nursery full time, then the number of hours in the day that you spend together are minimal. The amount of time that baby is getting one to one attention for is minimal. Babies in nurseries are not being cuddled and fussed over. Mostly, they sit in bouncers until it's time to be fed or changed.

piprabbit · 17/10/2011 23:06

I'm not sure why this thread has been hijacked.

The OP has already said she is looking for 2 days childcare per week as other family members will care for her baby the rest of the week.
She has also said that she has found a childminder who is her preferred choice at the moment.

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