to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

[pinkyp]

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

Without wanting to sound harsh, your second post is the clue - you can't afford to be a sahm.

Can you afford to work part-time, if a job came up?

Maybe you could take the job on offer at the moment, and keep an eye out for a part time role?

I returned to work FT when DD was 10months but I have since changed to a part-time role which I am fortunate to be able to afford.

I remember feeling exactly how you do. And, as cogitoES suggested, i was worried that DD would come to love her nursery carers more than me.
I took great care to find a nursery I was very happy with. I talked to the staff at length about their care and discipline methods. Please don't worry about your DS becoming unpopular because of any 'naughty' behaviour. I'm certain that that wouldn't happen.

Take time to get to know your DS's key worker - she/he can become an ally and will care about him deeply.

If you can afford it, can you get a cleaner or other help with domestic chores (ironing, online supermarket shop etc)? I try to make my days off work with DD as much fun and 'her' centered as possible. All chores are done in the week or evenings when she is asleep. Time with her is so precious that I don't want it spent ironing, cleaning bathrooms or telling her to be quiet while I pay bills or whatnot.

I can understand your fears and unhappiness. I hope you find that your DS thrives on going to nursery and that you soon get into the swing of things and enjoy your weekends with him.

OP - those first few days are the hardest. Choose the right nursery (one you feel confident with) and it will be okay.

It seems you have two choices - turn down the job and continue looking for part time work or at least try out the f/t scenario.

Good luck.

OneNerve is the one that needs to get a grip not the OP. Comparing nurseries in the UK to institutions in Romania (I'm guessing she means this by 'well documented') is disgusting.

Everyone feels the same - the thought of leaving your LO and returning to work is horrible. But, many of us do it, and our children are fine, we are fine (and dare I say enjoy the peace at work).

Good luck in finding a place, most nurseries, particularly baby rooms have long waiting lists.

it would be for 2 days a week, the other 3 i have my mum and dh to help care for him. I've never had to do this b4 i dont know where to look regarding childminders. I hate my life right now

YANBU to be upset - that's what mums do! However this will pass and all will be well.

Agree if you start next week get moving though and look at CM too if you feel happier with that option.

Totally agree with pinkdelight. Al my 3 were in nursery or at CM from 5- 6 months for various amounts of time (3 days up) until they went to school, and apart from a shaky start at a nursery that went down hill after changing hands- hence finding CM, all has gone swimmingly and they certainly seem to be well adjusted normal and academically able at 18/15/12. They are certainly very independent/mature compared to some of their peers too and that has been lifelong, but nature/nurture/not at home with me, who knows LOL

Your baby will be fine! A day at a good nursery involves playing, eating decent food (which you don't have to cook, hoopla!), singing, napping and interacting with other lovely children, while being cared for by lovely staff. All good stuff, no?

The transition for both of you might take time, but you will manage.

Agree at looking at CMs if you are still worried and want 1:1 care, but finding a FT childminding place at this notice will be tricky.

In my town our council has a list of all local childminders with spaces available. I'd start there.

Nursery/CM both are fine. It depends on what you are most comfortable with. 2 days are hardly anything. Your ds will love being with the other children and hvaing the opportunity for craft projects/messy play etc. that as a SAHM you probably wouldn't have the time for.

I understand how you feel. It is hard but FWIW nursery was the best thing to happen to my DS, he started at 10 months and is now 19 months, he is social, very verbal and seems to have a fab time he is full of smiles at pick up and drop off. Agree with what was said above that websites are no help, find the most conveniently located ones and go for a look. Write down all the questions you have so you don't forget anything, good luck finding somewhere at such short notice.
Oh and I moved my DS nursery at 14 months cos of a house move he didn't bat an eyelid!

Good luck, being a sahm is not (wasnt for me) for everyone don't feel guilty that you are providing for your family and preserving your sanity by having a work life as well as a mummy life!

[Hands OP a shiny new grip and tears up receipt so she can't return it]

You need to go and look at some of these nurseries and talk to the people who would be caring for your child. Just looking at them online won't give you a feel for the place. Put a human face on the whole idea/concept of "nursery" and you might find yourself feeling a lot better.

Another positive anecdote here - DS loves and adores nursery. He always has. He actually cheers when we get there in the morning.

And Onenerve - do you actually trawl MN looking for nursery-related threads so that you can be spiteful? This is the second similar comment I have read from you this morning.

I cried buckets when I left both of my DCs, but like yours they had a good mixture of nursery and family care and are both very happy, secure children.

Go and visit some nurseries as soon as possible. Even though I am in the same town my two didn't go to the same one as what is right for one child isn't right for another..

It will take some transition time and getting used to, but both they (and you!) will get used to it and will all get something positive from it in the end.

You need to contact your local Family Information Service (FIS). Try this link.

For example mine is in Essex.

They will hold a list of local childminders and other childcare options.

Or you could try your local Children's Centre and see if they can point you in the right direction.

If it is only for two days a week, then you have even less to worry about. Your child will be fine, they will have two days of fun playing with other children.

Sorry to burst your bubble but I really don't know how you will get a full time place at a nursery within a week. I was waiting 4 weeks and 5 weeks to see respective nurseries, never mind getting a place in that time. 9 months was the waiting list and I was lucky. Then there is at least 2 weeks but preferably 4 of settling in period. You can't just dump a baby or a child in a nursery full time without them slowly getting used to it. Or did I misunderstand your OP?

yes sorry, i know she did ask for a grip as it were, its just to me 'get a grip' always sounds aggressive but i can see you don't mean it as such, lots of good advice on this thread

I cried buckets when I went to work when my daughter was about the same age, and I was leaving her with her dad! So, it's normal to feel upset and anxious when you are making a change. I had to get a grip though, as I needed to work, and her dad was the best person to leave her with, I just felt jealous and like he would be rubbish compared with me! Of course, my upset was exactly that, just upset, and my daughter had a great time and there have been no long-term bonding issues whatsoever with me.

I think it is normal to be upset, have you not seen the sniffing ladies with tissues outside the school on the first day after drop-off? It's sad, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

My DS went to nursery from 6 months and he loved it. I was sad about going back full time, but I had to remind myself that those were MY feelings not HIS iyswim, and at the time we couldn't afford to do anything else. Choose a good nursery - do your research and trust your gut instinct. Look for one where the staff have been there a while and where they look genuinely interested in children. Then make your peace with it. And be very careful not to cling to your DS at drop off time - I saw this a lot at our nursery where the mum wasn't happy about going back. The kid wouldn't settle because they were picking up on their Mum not wanting to leave them. And then the poor mum was leaving for work hearing their kid still crying in the background. Once the settling in period is done, drop off quickly with a quick kiss and a breezy 'bye then darling, have a lovely day' even if your own heart is breaking. So hard to do in the first few months. But when my DS went running in with a smile on his face and never a backward glance at me I was glad I'd done it.

Have a bit of grip from me, DS started nursery at 12 weeks and I cried every day leaving him for the first month, so how you feel is totally normal and in that respect YANBU

But you AREN'T leaving him in an institution (FFS, not helpful and no one wants a WOHM vs SAHM no one can possible care properly for your child unless they share genetic code bunfight) you are going to be leaving him with caring qualified people who will fill his day with activities (in my case far more than I would if i was at home with DS) socialise him and help develop him. He knows all the staff by name (as they do him) and there is a real affection for the children they care for.

DS is also almost a year ahead developmentally and I'm sure a big part of this is the level of stimulation and social interaction he gets at nursery

Whilst I think it's crap, childcare doesn't exactly bring in the big bucks so the majority of nusery staff and CM do it because they really like and care about kids

I get SO cross with the attitude that only relatives can care properly for children, to quote a cliche it takes a village to raise a child and staying at home with just Mum is a very modern phenomenon - you don't have to be a blood relative to care for, nay love a child you spend time with

YABU to have left it to the week before you start, but you will find a setting you like and both of you will be happy once you get into a routine :)

MrsMooo, i also hate the "I get SO cross with the attitude that only relatives can care properly for children" - strange how all those that spout this dont home educate so it seems children change at the point of entry to school.

A good nursery is absolutely fine, its quality not quantity time with your children that counts. They get to do lots of fun things, make friends and learn to socialise with other adults and children and will be very confident when starting school.

OP, dont worry, Can you actually remember any memories prior to starting school? I would imagine very few so therefore your child wont even remember if you were home or they went to nursery for part of the week.

Onenerve seems to be going out of his/her way to make mums feel bad on nursery threads. And she will be fine but your op does read as you starting work next week, so have you got a nursery for your dd to go?

Because, happymummy, there is a massive difference between a school age child, who is developmentally ready to leave home and socialize and a pre verbal infant who can't even tell you how they feel about nursery.

Fwiw, I thought I had no choice but to go back when dc2 was 9 months. I simply could not do it. I managed to arrange an extra year off. I still didnt feel dd was completely ready for childcare at 20 months, but it was the best compromise i could find. It would depend how desperate the op's situation is, but there might be other options.

I am in the same situation. I go back to work next week and DD will be 2 half days at nursery and the rest with GP.

She has had a few tasters and was fine. It was me that was in tears. It's like others have said it's you that feels sad your LO will be fine. Infact I was told by nursery that it's much easier to settle this age than at 2-3 if they haven't been away from you.

For me I keep telling myself it will improve her social skills, I will be more focused when I am with her (SAHM is not personally for me) and my income means that we will be able to have lots of enjoyable family experiences when we are together.

It's not perfect but it will work and in the long run you will both be ok.

I looked at nurseries and childminders and went with a childminder who was absolutely lovely. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you

What is very well documented is that children do best emotionally with a close relationship with around 3 adults. If you're worried about nursery, consider a childminder.

Both my children love nursery. We went for a small, homey one with very low staff turnover (no-one has joined, or left, for about 5 years now).

It's doing them loads of good and not doing them any harm. And, unlike Oliver-fecking-James I'm a psychologist who sees no reason to guilt-trip mothers into buying either a book or a misogynistic version of what mothering should be.

DS1 went to nursery full time from 3.5 and DS2 full time from 1.2. They are both happy, well adjusted little boys. DS1 (just 7) will talk to anyone about everything (Ipods and Iphones, and politics?!?!? and the Shard are the current topics) and is apparently top of his class in English (I am not so sure re maths). DS2 has just started school, and initial reports are good too - I think he is possibly brighter (and definitely cheekier) than DS1. He told me how rain made it into clouds and came down as rain recently - didn't get that from home! "That one's a chatterbox" said the head teacher within the first week.

Their nursery was fantastic - I cried when they left. I have no regrets at all. If I had to choose again (from all options including me being SAHM) I would do the same again. But choose your nursery carefully - not all are in the same league.