to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

[pinkyp]

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

I earn more than double what my DH brings in. Maybe he's a selfish fucker for not becoming a SAHD and nurturing our children as he should have done, but thats his angst to deal with not mine.

Deep down, deeeeeep deeeeeeep down right in the sub-cockle area of my iced over heart, I know I was right to use childcare and go to work.

I haven't been hurling insults at anyone, thank you very much. I considered the evidence I had read on both sides and came to a logical set of conclusions based on extensive research evidence, rather than using a sample size of one, aka my own family, extrapolated across the whole of humankind. You would do well to do the same.

BoffinMum - I think Jasmine may have given up on us evil baby farm using hags sensible working mums who are actually supporting the OP.

It's not a giving things up competition.I've not given up work because I don't want to.no deep down hidden feelings or suppressed guilt.at all

"We went without holidays, treats etc for years"

I went without holidays and treats for years, then I had a baby, then I went back to work, I am in the same position now as I was before kids. In this day and age if you have holidays to give up then I think you should count yourself lucky!

I really hate this idea that women who return to work are only doing it because they can't bear to lose a 2 week holiday in lanzagrotty. Life isn't really like that.

The avaricious working mum is a mn staple cliche without her the precious moments mamas would be bereft of a ta dah anecdotal example of consumer durables more important than baby shuvved in mrs hannigans

Nursaries just like childminders are going to vary widely from place to place and person to person. A child is just as capable of being ignored and not cuddled at a childminders. Its just as easy for a childminder to look great in the 10 mins the parents are around to drop off/pick up. I specifically chose a nursary because I felt more comfortable with more eyes around - there is lots of staff around to say if something is not right. At a childminders the doors to their private home close and who on earth knows what they are doing? I'm sure there are many fabulous childminders too - I'm just saying whatever you choose you need to do your research, hang around, come by unannounced and stay vigilant for signs of how your childs doing.

I love that at our nursary the owners and the director are always present in addition to the staff - that the staff have children in the centre (not in the same room where they work) so they presumably have a vested interest in the place being good. I think you can't tarr every nursary with the same brush. I saw plenty that I wouldn't want to send my son to...but perservered and found one I'm really comfortable with.

Jasmine. Going back to work may have been wrong for you. But what if you literally couldn't afford not to.
I am in the lucky situation that I can stay at home. DH isn't on a great wage but we get by. We've had cheap holidays but we walk most places and take food with us etc and generally have to live on quite a tight budget. I'm sure there are people worse off than us though who need to work. And it's not just as simple as cutting back on your spending when you have a mortgage etc. Our house has been on the market for knocking on 2 years now despite dropping the price a lot/redecorating and improving it throughout.
There will also be other mothers who just don't want to do the sahm thing. I doubt them staying home and resenting it will do them or the child any good.

that's me. I want to work and working for me is all to do with independence both financially and socially.That's not to say I didn't find it hard to return, of course it's hard after being with a baby 24/7, but I always intended to work and never saw a baby as a reason to give up work.

Jasmine, most of the personal comments have come from you and others who have implied and overtly stated that people who use childcare under X age are heartless and wrong, that we are neglecting our DC and that we will not/can not bond with them and are bad parents

I have the upmost respect for people who have the opportunity and choose to be SAHPs, but the reason that the precious moments SAHmama cliche has been batted about is because the evil heartless WOHM cliche got trotted out first

I totally accept that for some parents, putting THEIR child in nursery at x age would feel wrong deep down. Please accept that for me and many others, it feels right deep down. You are not me, I am not you, my child is MY child and I know what's right for them. Just as you know what's right for you, your child and your family

It is patronising, and frankly offensive that I am assumed to have no bond, not care about, and abandon my child because I chose to work rather than force my partner into bankruptcy

Truth be told, I like working and OP, you may find you enjoy the independance and (for me at least) enjoy the time with your DS more as it is more precious precisely because you're not with them all day.

You can continue BFing - I and serveral friends have continued to BF after returning to full time work at anywhere from 6 weeks to 1 year (two are still BF at 2+) so it is doable

I second not using family if they're not going to be reliable, part of my choice of nursery over a CM was the fact that nursery will never go on holiday or call in sick. Good reliable childcare is worth it's weight in gold

I hope you and your DH can strike a good work life balance, and please trust me you and your DS will be fine.

At the end of the day, as the saying goes you gotta do what you gotta do, be that staying at home or going out to work, and life would be very miserable if we spent all our time regretting the choices we made

They can't attack my pov because they know deep down I'm right

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

And what's more....

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Jasmine is funny!

Personally I think perhaps you need to value yourself a little more and not be such a martyr. I'm baffled by people who think it's a good idea to teach children that they're the most important thing in the world. The world will give them a rude awakening soon enough.

I actually don't think Jasmine is right. I think it's rather neglectful towards your children and rather irresponsible to confine them and you to a constrained and somewhat inward looking domestic life, focused on the comfort and advancement of one family and one family alone, rather than making a broader and more holistic contribution to society. This seems particularly the case for graduate women, or those trained for a profession, I would contend, as often they have been trained at the taxpayer's expense to do rather more with their lives. But that is very much a personal view.

And god forbid her husband should ever leave or die. She will have nothing to fall back on in work terms, and will probably be unable to keep herself or her children in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

jasminerice, I suspect you are a regular who posts under different names on this subject...or there maybe more than one person who holds your point of view!

I do agree with you. In a perfect world all babies would spend all day with mothers who also want to be with them.

The world we live in is not perfect, though.

There are some great nurseries, and brilliant childminders out there. And some mums who would rather not spend anytime with their babies until they are at least 5. There are some babies who cope very well with nursery, and others who struggle being away from their main carer.

What makes me curious about such threads is that they are like a see-saw. The majority of posters will agree working is the best option for family...until a mother posts something like "I will be out of the house for 14 hours a day" and then Wham! Suddenly people are telling the poster than basics baked beans really are delicious 7 days a week.

OP, if you really thought your DC was going to have a hideous time with the lovely childminder, you would live in rags, and eat potato soup for every meal.

In your heart of hearts, you know your DS will be fine, because you are a good mum, and wouldn't leave him with anyone who wouldn't care for him properly. Finding that person can be hard work, though.

BoffinMum - I know of very few families who could keep themselves going in the style they are accustomed if one spouse died. Which is why many people opt for life insurance.

OP, with respect to your dh going part-time, if job security for you is a potential issue, in your new job you won't have unfair dismissal rights for 1 or 2 years ( this is changing to 2 years, not sure when), so even after the 3 month trial period they could sack you and you wouldn't be able to do much about it unless it was sex discrimination (which is covered from day one).

Also if your dh does go part-time he won't have any right to go back full-time later, eg if you did get made redundant or something, unless his employer agrees to this.

Not saying this to be negative, it just seemed to be something you're thinking about.

Lynette, think boffinmum's point is not just about death, it's very hard to insure for most of the most common things that keep people away from work or lead to job-loss, eg back pain, depression. And when relationships break down is difficult if one partner has been financially dependent on the other.

If god forbid, something happened to DH, the kids and I would be fine financially as we have other income besides DH's salary, due to my working in a well paid profession for many years before having DC's and making some wise investments which are now paying well.

I think if a mother cannot give her baby at least a year of her time, preferably longer, then she is selfish in the extreme.

My children are not constrained to domestic life either. I'm not in the least bit domesticated, I have a cleaner for that. My kids lead a full and richly varied life, because I have far more time to spend with them than my full time working contemporaries. And I know them inside out, due to spending so much time together. If you're spending 10-14 hours a day, 5 days a week away from your child, you cannot possibly know them as well as I know my kids.

What a horrinly judgemental person you are.

I am very judgmental about mums leaving their young babies in full time childcare. So yes, you're right, I'm being very judgmental on this thread. Whether I'm being horrible, that depends on whether you decide to leave your baby in childcare or not.

Been there done that - do understand how you feel. Have two boys and went back to work part time. I have always used a childminder as I felt that was the right choice for me. I wanted someone to have a similar environment as my boys would have had if I had stayed at home. I am not putting down nurseries though. The key thing is that you are there for all the important times and that - as mine have grown up they know that they come first and my work comes second. I had many tears but you do get through it and my kids coped well with it. Ask around, recommendations from others are good. Good luck with it all and keep us posted.

I think jasminerice you are giving us SAHMs a very bad name and I resent that. There is no wrong or right here, there is only what's right for you and your family.

I have good friends who had babies and found that they just weren't happy at home all the time with them, there is NOTHING wrong with feeling like that, it is completely normal and no one should judge any mum for taking a decision to return to work for her own sanity, as that will always be preferable for both DC and mum to staying home and resenting it.

I also have friends who have, much like the OP, been forced to return to work and really didn't want to. They suffered in much the same way and struggled to find the right childcare, but in the end they all did and for nearly all it has worked out really well for both DCs and mums. I have one who never really got over it and after a couple of years she gave up and stayed home and is now constantly budget watching but is happy - she was lucky in that her DH got a better paid job though.

I myself returned to work after my DS1 and found a fantastic nanny and was very happy. After DS3 was born I became a SAHM because I was exhausted (DS2 was mildly SN) and fed up with work and my DH got a promotion so I was LUCKY enough to be able to choose to SAH.

What I am saying is that it's all ok, if you are a good mum (which the OP sounds like she is) you will always find a way to make your DC happy because that's what your job is and there are many different ways to do this. At the moment IF you are in a position to choose to be a SAHM and that's what you want to do then you are a very LUCKY person and should not judge others for not being in that position. It's rude and offensive to do so. I really don't get this SAHM/WM war that goes on here, it's so destructive why do women have to bash each other over the head with their choices? Each to their own I say.

I think if a mother cannot give her baby at least a year of her time, preferably longer, then she is selfish in the extreme.

Oh yes, I can give my dd my time - but i'm not sure i'll have that long left if I don't eat for a year....

I'd rather give my dd a comfortable loving home, with food and stimulating toys for her then become a SAHM. Some of us have to work to live.

Jasmin - do tell me how I am to provide for my family, if i'm not allowed to work, and use childcare?

well done you (and your dh) for having such a cushy situation I think you are very closed minded, and should perhaps consider other peoples situations.

Are you of the opinion that I should attempt to live off the state? Or do you think I should never have had my baby, if I wasn't rolling in money. If I decide to work, should I be thinking about putting my dd up for adoption?

I detect more than a whiff of trollery when people like Jasmine start saying 'oh and of course if dh should fall ill or die or lose his job then everything will be hunky dory; I've got all sorts of investments from my previous high flying career' (investments which of course are magically untouched by the global recession!!!)

Jasmine or whatever other names she goes by clearly needs validation for her choices through putting other mothers down. She has to try to convince herself that she knows her children 'better', that they will turn out smarter/happier/ better than children of mums who work. She's the sort of mother who must seethe inwardly with resentment when the children of working mums turn out just as confident and happy. How sad, to live your life with such negativity and resentment

There are mums on this thread who put their babies in childcare at 12 weeks. I don't believe anybody needs to go back to work at 12 weeks. That is pure selfishness in the extreme. Going back at 12 months is a very different situation.

Maternity leave used to be 12 weeks Jasmine. Didn't you realise that? My baby was in childcare from 12 weeks because that was when people returned to work then. I guess that makes 'me selfish in the extreme!

My baby is now a very confident happy and successful 'young person btw, and I have a great relationship with her. That must really piss 'you off